Leaving Paradise
What did you do when your entire world imploded? When nothing felt like it was real?
Amanda stumbled through the front door of her cabin. She closed it hard, leaned against it, and took raspy, deep breaths. That sick feeling was back, bile flooding the back of her throat. She swallowed hard, forcing it back down. Her stomach clenched so hard it was impossible to feel anything but pain.
Here she was, alone again. Right back at the starting point, in the same spot she was in when Phil kicked her out. Except now there was a baby growing inside of her.
Jason wanted her to leave. He hadn’t given her an hour to get out, like Phil had, but he’d been pretty damn clear on what he wanted.
The cabin was cool even though the day had been swelteringly hot. She felt nothing. Not the hot, not the cold. She figured she was in shock. Soon it would wear off and she’d be left with the lonely grief she’d experienced before.
She had nowhere to turn. She thought again of her mother. She could always call. Always reach out and try…
Her phone was in the top drawer of the dresser in the bedroom. She hadn’t turned it on for weeks. She finally understood what Jason had once said about not using his. She never needed to.
Amanda stumbled over to the bed. She sank down and switched the phone on, stared blankly at the screen as it changed from black to bright white. She was shocked as her messages downloaded. Thirty-three missed calls. Fourteen texts. She didn’t even check her emails. She noted that most of the missed calls were from Phil. At least twenty odd calls, dating back as far as two weeks ago.
She checked her texts, a small shiver of hope flaring in her chest. Hope that she wouldn’t be on her own. Hope that maybe, just maybe Phil would be willing to help her find a place to stay, for old time’s sake if nothing else.
Amanda leaned back in shock. If her stomach had felt knotted before, it was a mess after she read Phil’s messages. He wanted her to come back. He said he was sorry. He needed to know where she was, if she was safe. He wanted her to call.
Her hand trembled so badly she almost dropped the phone. She didn’t really want to go back to Phil. She’d realized, over the past weeks, that their relationship had never truly been right. She’d seen the uglier side of Phil, the harsh, erratic side that rose easily to anger. She didn’t like it, especially not when it was directed her way. She’d been warned and she’d plowed ahead, heedlessly.
She thought of Jason’s gentle touch, how he’d awaked passion inside of her, real, true passion. He’d touched her in a way Phil never had. Touched her body, her spirit, her soul. Phil had never reached that far. He’d never cared to truly know who she was.
She didn’t truly want to go back, even to the house, but at least it was a place to stay for the night. The irrational hope, that perhaps he could help her, rose inside her chest. Phil wasn’t a bad person. He could be hasty or even harsh, but he wasn’t evil by nature. At least she could try. He had a guest room that she could stay in, even for the night, until she figured out what her next move was. She had a little money left, but she needed to save it for what lay ahead, not squander it paying for hotel rooms for nights on end.
In the end, Amanda dialed Phil’s number. Her hand was back to shaking again by the time she hit the call send button. She raised the phone to her ear and waited. The phone rang, once, twice. Her heart thundered in her chest. This is a mistake. She was about to hang up and call her mother instead, but Phil’s voice, so familiar, came over the other end.
“Amanda! Thank god! I was so worried about you.”
“I’m sorry,” she sighed. “I didn’t have my phone on.”
“For weeks?”
“For weeks.”
“Where are you?”
There was no way she was going to tell Phil where she was. It wasn’t any of his business. The last thing she wanted was for him to get some idea about Jason in his head. Phil could be merciless, ruthless, even, towards those he viewed as an enemy.
“It doesn’t matter. I… I read your messages.” She didn’t want to give him hope that they could be a couple again. That was never going to happen. She couldn’t go back to him again. Not after Jason, the way he’d touched her, the way he made her feel, the way he’d changed her entire world.
“I- I made a mistake,” Phil stammered, more humility in his voice than she’d ever heard before. “I was hasty, irrational… I- you know it’s not easy for me to apologize, but I love you, Amanda. I want you to come home.”
Home. She knew there was no such place in the world for her. Not at the moment. Maybe though, just maybe Phil could help her. He did sound sorry. Sorrier and more genuine than she’d ever known him to be.
“I- Phil… I can’t come back. I’m sorry.”
He let out a long, hard breath into the phone. “I understand. I never treated you like you deserved to be treated, Amanda. Even before what I did. It wasn’t right, for me to say what I said about your art. I’ve always believed in you. I made some calls to a few people I know in New York. They have contacts and I got you a gallery show. Your very own if you want it!”
An irrational seed of hope planted itself in Amanda’s belly. She didn’t want it there, didn’t want it taking root and sprouting. She knew better than to trust and to hope. She knew how quickly everything could come crashing down.
“I- even if we weren’t together, would you help me get it?”
“Yes, of course. I would do anything to prove to you that I’m truly sorry for what I did and how I acted. I had no right to tell you to pack your things and leave. This house is as much yours as it is mine. You have every right to hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Phil.”
“Even after what I said to you?”
“Yes.” She hesitated. She didn’t want to trust Phil. Didn’t want to take him up on the offer of a gallery opening. She couldn’t really believe it, because it was the break she’d thought would never come. How could she not take the chance though? It was an offer, a very good offer, when she needed one most. It wasn’t just her now. Much sooner than she thought, she was going to have a newborn to look after and that took money. What would she do when she couldn’t work? She had to take a chance on this. “Phil… I need a place to stay. For a couple nights. I’ll be gone after that- I just- you know I don’t have a lot of money. I’m not asking for a hand out and I don’t want you to think this would be anything more than doing me a favor when I need it most…”
“Of course.” He answered too quickly, too willingly. It raised a thousand red flags in Amanda’s brain, but she had to trust one more time. Just once more. At the very least, if the gallery thing turned out to be fake, she would have a couple more days to work up the courage to phone her mother. Maybe even convince her mom to let her come home.
“Really? Do you really mean that?”
“Yes. Of course. Come home, Amanda and we can talk.”
She winced. She didn’t want to talk. Not about them, which was what she sensed Phil really wanted to do. He probably thought he could convince her to come back, but how could he? And how could they ever work when she had another man’s child in her belly?
“Alright,” she finally relented. “I’ll be there in a couple hours.”
Phil said something in response before he hung up, but Amanda didn’t even hear it. She felt lost. Entirely and utterly lost. More lost and afraid than she ever had in her life.
She threw her phone down on the bed and glanced around the tiny bedroom. This had become hers. She’d started to think of this place as home, even though it was far too soon. It was all too much, too soon. She never should have got involved with Jason, yet she couldn’t quite bring herself to regret it.
No, what he’d given her, she’d remember for the rest of her life. He was that person that came along and wrecked you, made sure you weren’t ever the same after, just by being who he was. By loving her, just that little bit. She was sure there was no one else in the world like Jason, at least not for her. What she felt with him… that couldn’t be duplicated or fabricated with another person.
It made Amanda infinitely sad to pack her suitcase and gather up her art supplies. She made her way out to her car and very carefully began to stack her art back into the trunk and back seat. She took everything except the one painting that she’d made of a cabin in the woods. Jason’s cabin. In these woods. She’d been planning on showing him in a few days, but that was before everything changed. It wasn’t quite finished, just like them, but she wanted him to have it.
She wrote a quick note, just an address, on the back of an old envelope and left it in the middle of the table, because she couldn’t bring herself to give up altogether. There was still a tiny, irrational part of her that hoped if she let Jason know where she was, he would come for her. Afterwards she stood staring down at her neat writing. A fresh wave of pain in her chest, followed by the hard numbness she needed to dull it out. She turned and her feet, heavy, so very heavy, carried her out onto the cabin’s tiny porch.
I’m going to miss this place. Her whole world had changed here. She’d changed. She wasn’t the same person who had arrived here though it had only been a month.
There was nothing more to say or do and staying any longer just made leaving that much more painful. With one last long sigh, Amanda turned and walked to her car.