The Hard Truth
Back in the safety of his cabin, where everything seemed more rational, Jason wondered how the hell he could have done it. He’d asked himself that question all the way home. He didn’t know which was worse, the fact the tortured agony he felt before he’d had Amanda or the regret he felt after.
“Sit down.” Jason indicated the couch in his living room. His voice wasn’t commanding. It was strangely hollow even to his own ears.
Amanda, luckily enough, sat. They hadn’t exchanged one single word on the way home and she could only guess what he was thinking. He didn’t sit. He couldn’t be anywhere near her. Already, only fifteen minutes after he’d taken her by the side of the road like an animal, a stag in rutting season, he already wanted her again. The need for her crept up in his blood, spiking hot and hard, defeating his defenses once again.
“I… I’ll drive you somewhere. You can have a bath and clean up and then I’ll take you into the clinic in Dinane. The doctor can give you something, unless you’re already on the pill?
“No, I’m not on the pill.” She carefully avoided looking at him. Instead her deep green eyes studied her pale hands, which were folded on top of pale knees. He imagined those legs wrapped around his head, his waist, anywhere and his pulse raced. “I don’t need to go to the clinic though. You pulled out.”
“That’s never a sure bet. I can’t promise… uh… that it was perfectly on time.”
She shrugged, which was maddening. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the exact opposite. She paused and her eyes flicked to his face for an instant before settling back on her hands. A flush rose on her pretty cheeks, visible even though her face was turned down. “I don’t like to talk about things like this- things from the past, but in this case I have to. I was with someone for a long time. We tried to get pregnant. For years. It didn’t happen. He said it was me, and since we both went to the doctor to- um- well check, I guess it is me. So- you don’t have anything to worry about there. I’m infertile.”
Amanda raised her head and Jason wasn’t exactly surprised to see a sheen of tears in her beautiful eyes. That was a big blow to a woman. He could never know how that felt. He’d never wanted children. He knew he’d be a shit dad just like his dad before him. He couldn’t imagine being responsible for and raising a life, but he knew some women needed that. To some women, having a womb that didn’t exactly work was heartbreaking or even shameful.
“Oh… uh- I’m sorry. I guess you’re right- uh- sorry.” Damn it! He had no words for a situation like this.
Jason didn’t think about what he was going to do. He just did it. He knelt in front of Amanda and took her hands in his. She looked up at him and a few tears spilled down her cheeks. He wanted to kill whoever hurt her, because it was clear that someone had. Over her not being able to bear a child, he was sure of it. What asshole would let her go? Lead her to believe that she was anything less than perfect?
“It’s not your fault.” She tried to laugh off her pain. She tugged a hand free and swiped at her cheeks.
“What happened back there on the road, that was my fault. It was my fault because I couldn’t control myself. I… I’ve never been like this before. I think it’s best if you go. Go back to the city or wherever you want, just go. Go far away from here.”
Amanda’s lips slowly pursed. A frown deepened her brow. “Why would I ever want to do that?”
“To keep yourself safe from me. I can’t promise that it won’t happen again.”
She leaned forward and her gentle touch, a caress on his whiskered cheek, nearly knocked him back on his heels. “Why would I ever want to do that?”
He shook his head slowly. “You mean, you feel it too then?”
“Yes. Of course. Couldn’t you tell that I enjoyed it?”
“Enjoying something in the moment and regrets later are two very different things.”
“You didn’t force me. You asked me twice, if I wanted you to stop and I didn’t.” Her hand never left his cheek. Her skin was warm, warm and so very soft and smooth, dainty, feminine. “I still don’t want you to stop.”
“You came out here because you were fleeing something,” Jason protested. He hadn’t meant to voice that thought out loud, but once he had, it hung in the air between them.
“I- well- I wasn’t exactly fleeing. I left the city for a change of pace,” Amanda admitted eventually. “I am fresh out of a relationship, I’ll tell you that, but the more days that pass, the more I’m starting to realize maybe it wasn’t right. I- what happened today- I’ve never felt like that before.” She took a shaky breath. “But you have a past as well. You’re out here, hiding out here, all alone. It’s not really normal, is it?”
A flood of emotion trickled into Jason’s chest. He didn’t even know what to feel. Of anything in the world, the one thing he never discussed was his past. That was off limits. He was living out in the woods, alone, for a reason. A reason Amanda never had to know.
“I take your point,” Jason ceded. “You don’t want me to ask about your past because I’m not willing to talk about mine.”
“Everyone has issues,” Amanda whispered. “I think that if we enjoy each other, maybe we should just go with that.”
“Amanda… are you sure?” Everything about what she was saying seemed wrong. The desire he felt for her was wrong. He shouldn’t feel like that. Not this much. Not this soon.
She finally nodded. “Yah. I like being here. It’s peaceful. I can paint every evening. I like the quiet and the beauty out here.”
“Watching me swim in the creek…”
Her lips quirked up in a small smile. “Yah. I like that too. We can do this. Be adults. Enjoy each other. I think if we eventually decide not to, we can both be mature about it. Just give me some notice so I can find somewhere else to live.”
The mere mention of her ever leaving hurt Jason’s chest. It was like taking a bullet straight to his heart. Which made absolutely no sense. The strange urge he felt, the urge to protect her, to keep her safe, rose up hard, nearly choking him.
He did the only thing he could do, since words weren’t possible in that moment. He pulled her forward and wrapped her in his arms. She melted against him, her enticing curves melding into his hard ridges, joining in perfect, utter perfection.
He already knew he wasn’t letting her go anywhere. Not if he had a choice.
It was the most dangerous realization in the world.