Home At Last
There was never a more welcome sight than that winding dirt road, tall pines giving way to a narrow, winding driveway and two quaint little cabins nestled in the heart of the clearing.
Amanda’s heart leapt with hope when Jason shut off the truck and came around to open her door for her. He extended a hand and she took it, her insides knotting painfully at the feel of his warm, calloused skin against her own. She never thought she’d see him again, let alone be able to feel the gentle reassurance of his touch.
He led her into his cabin and pulled out a chair at the table. Amanda sat. She watched while Jason disappeared with the kettle then came back a minute later with it full of water. He built up the fire swiftly, with much more skill than she was ever able to muster.
Soon the kettle was boiling away. Jason fixed them each a cup of tea. He set one, black, with cream and sugar in front of her. He’d just assumed that she liked it the way she took her coffee and he was right. The fact that he knew her, that he just somehow understood her, nearly made her eyes tear up.
As soon as Jason sat, Amanda started talking. She couldn’t keep the words pent up inside her any longer.
“I… I’m sorry that I went back to Phil. It was the strangest thing. After we fought and you told me to leave, I didn’t have anywhere to go. I turned on my phone to maybe get in touch with my mom, even though we haven’t spoken to each other in years, and there were all these missed calls from Phil. Texts too. He sounded so sincere and sorry. I thought maybe he would be willing to let me stay in the guest room for one night so I didn’t have to pay for a hotel. I don’t have a lot of money and I didn’t want to waste two hundred dollars of money I was going to need, especially if my mom refused to let me come home. He said that he had a potential job opening for me, a gallery show in New York. I needed a job, to support myself and be set when this baby comes. I called him and asked if he’d let me stay the night, but I was very clear that nothing would ever be between us again. I asked him if he’d help me get the gallery show even if we weren’t a thing and he assured me he would. I should have known better. He can be very convincing when he wants to be. Really he just wanted to get me back in the house. He thought he could fix everything with an apology.”
“An apology that sure as hell didn’t look sincere to me.”
Amanda sighed. “I can’t believe he reacted that way. He was pushing me to get back together, to stay. I don’t even know if the New York gallery was real or not. He was badgering me and I felt that the only way to make him understand why we couldn’t have a future, other than the fact that I didn’t want to, since he wasn’t listening to that, was to tell him why. I thought if he helped me get to New York then he’d find out sooner or later anyway, since those people were his contacts. Or so he said. Who knows.”
“So you told him you were pregnant.”
“Yes. And he told me that he’d lied about his test results. Yet he kicked me out of the house, calling me infertile and barren, knowing full and well that he was the one to blame.”
Jason’s brow knitted into a tight frown and his eyes flashed with anger. “Why would he do that to you?”
“He said he was ashamed. He never wanted me to find out so he made me leave. He didn’t count on actually missing me.”
“That man is a fool,” Jason snarled. “But then again, so was I.”
“You told me to leave, so I did.”
The anger in Jason’s blue depths faded away and was replaced by something much softer and deeper. Amanda’s throat closed up and her hand trembled on the table top. Jason reached over, took it and wrapped it in his much stronger palm.
“I never meant for you to leave. I know I said that. I said those words, but I didn’t truly mean them. I was angry and irrational and I blurted the first thing that came to mind. I went out for a drive to clear my head so that I could come back and actually have a rational conversation. I never thought you’d actually leave in the hour I was gone. I thought I’d come back and we’d talk it out and figure out what we were going to do.”
Tears gathered in Amanda’s eyes. She blinked and they spilled down her cheeks. “I wish you would have said that then. I truly thought you wanted me gone. I didn’t want to stick around to see you one last time. I didn’t hold out much hope that you would change your mind.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that again. By the time I got back I was going to tell you that you could stay as long as you wanted, even if you didn’t want to raise that baby with me. Even if it didn’t work out between us, I was going to tell you I’d look after you, in one way or another, even if that just meant sending you money every month. I was going to leave it up to you, what you wanted to do.”
It was like there was a damn in Amanda’s chest, blocking off the tide of emotion from flowing out. A hole burst in that thick wall, just a tiny hole and water began to trickle through. She knew it wouldn’t be long before those walls crumbled altogether and a flood of emotions hit her hard. She just wasn’t sure what to feel at the moment. Relief? Joy? Anger?
“You don’t want to be a part of the kid’s life?”
Jason’s lips pursed and that line etched into his brow carved itself a little deeper. “I don’t know, Amanda. I was going to leave that up to you, if you wanted to keep it. I’m not the kind of person a woman would want to spend the rest of her life with. I’m not the kind of man who would be a good father. You would have to take that into account when you decide whether or not I deserve to know my child. I’d be alright with just getting a letter or a phone call once in awhile, a picture maybe, if you don’t want to stay here.” She had never heard him this vulnerable before.
Amanda reached out with her free hand. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was doing, she just knew she needed to touch him. Their hands, locked together on the table top, wasn’t enough. She gently caressed the angle of his jaw. She closed her eyes and just felt the soft rasp of beard underneath her fingertips and the unexpected softness of his cheek as her hand trailed higher.
She let her hand rest there for a moment. The sound of their breathing filled up the tiny kitchen. Finally she opened her eyes.
“I do want to keep the baby. And I do want to stay. I think, when a child comes into the world, it changes everything. We, as parents, have an obligation to try and give it the best future possible. I don’t want to wait around and see if this is going to work. I want to make this work. I don’t just want to try, I want to really, really try, with the goal in mind that we are going to raise this baby together, because it’s going to make us happy-”
“Amanda…”
“No, wait, let me finish.” She kept her hand on his cheek, which oddly enough, seemed to comfort them both. “I know it’s only been a month and that’s crazy. Some people wait years and years before they get to this point or before they want to get to this point, but we don’t have a choice. I actually never believed I’d get this opportunity. Phil made me think I was the problem and I gave up hope of having kids. This was so unexpected… but there was never a doubt in my mind that I wanted it. I do want this baby. And I want you. I want this place, this sweet little cabin and the woods and the chickens and that stupid hand pump that kills my arm every single time. I want to make this work, whatever that means, until we’re either absolutely sure we can or we’re absolutely sure we can’t.”
“And until we get to that point?”
“We keep trying to get to that point. Hopefully to the place where we’re sure it’s going to work.”
“Is anyone ever sure of that?” His brow raised in good natured humor.
“Yes. I think so. I think if people try, every single day to make it to that point, then they can if they want to.”
Jason sighed. He surprised her by reaching up and capturing her hand. He moved it, slid it down his face, down his neck, until it ended up right overtop his heart.
“I can’t promise I would be a good father. In fact, I’m sure I would be the exact opposite, but if this is what you want, then I’ll try. I’ll try because I never expected to feel anything close to what I feel about you. When I realized you were gone, I thought I was going to go crazy. I thought I’d never see you again. That, out of everything in my life, would be the one thing I’d regret the most. And believe me, there is a lot I should regret. I went through all the options; hiring someone to find you, searching for you myself, praying you would contact me eventually, but then I went into your cabin and found your note.”
“I had to leave it,” Amanda whispered. “I had to. In case you ever changed your mind, I needed you to know where I had gone, at least as a starting point.”
“When I saw that address, I knew exactly where you’d gone. I never believed you were going back to him though. Not to the man who threw you away. I thought you couldn’t. Not after what we- uh- what we’d shared.”
“You were right.” She squeezed his hand hard. “I’m glad you didn’t think the worst and decided not to come at all. Honestly, if you hadn’t, I’m not sure where I would have gone. I would have figured it out though. I don’t just give up. That’s not an option any longer.”
“You’re right. I’m so sorry for what I said, about you trying to trick me into having a baby. I never really thought that. It just came out and I can’t take it back.”
“We can’t take any of it back,” Amanda assured him. “But there are far more good things than there were bad. Far, far more.” Her body heated to think of all the many good things. Of all the intimate moments that were shared between them, one soul melding with another, moments that had nothing to do with the physical connection they’d also shared.
“You’re right, now that we created a life, this isn’t about just trying half way. If this is what you want, the cabin and- uh- well me, then I’m honored. I’ll give it everything I have to succeed, like you said. I don’t truly know anything at all other than the fact that I want you in my life and I’m willing to work for that and do whatever it takes.”
“And the baby?”
“Poor kid, stuck with me as a dad.” Jason’s gaze faltered. He couldn’t look her in the eye and she was reminded that they really knew so little about each other. She wondered what had happened. What in his past, made him believe he couldn’t or wouldn’t be a good father? “But I guess I can try and make that work too. Hopefully he or she doesn’t wind up hating me.”
“Don’t all kids eventually wind up hating their parents?”
Jason actually let a small chuckle escape his throat. “Probably.”
“Well then. We have nothing to worry about on that count. We’ll just try as hard as we possibly can and hope for the best. I think that’s all anyone can do. Love their kids. Love them like crazy.”
Jason swallowed hard. “That’s not a word I ever thought I’d use. I don’t even truly know what it means.”
“It’s a lucky thing then, that maybe we can learn what it means together, because I’m not sure I’ve truly ever loved another person either. Especially not the way a parent loves their child.” Amanda swallowed hard. “It makes me want to call my mom and tell her that. That I love her. But I don’t think either of us are ready for that.”
Jason stroked her hand gently. “One day. Babies change everything. I’ve heard that somewhere before.”
Amanda smiled. A real, genuine smile filled with relief and hope and joy. Her heart was flooded with light. She was still afraid, afraid of the future and all that it held, but everyone was. She didn’t know a single person who had it all figured out.
“Well if you’re willing to stick it out with me and try and make it work, then I only have one other thing you need to do.”
One dark brow rose a fraction. “I’m almost afraid to ask.”
“Kiss me. Right here, right now, kiss me like you well and truly mean it.”
A slow grin spread over Jason’s face. His eyes sparkled with warmth, with life, with laughter. “That should be easy,” he chuckled. “Because I always, always mean it.”
The End