Episode 19: “Love feels like a lose-lose situation.”
So, I guess it was a day or two after I’d spotted Ollie and Amelia having dinner together.
Well, apparently, it was a business dinner, but yeah, some time had passed.
[sighs]
And what had happened in that short amount of time?
Well, my next two Dear Ex-Boyfriend letters had gone live, and both had been well received by readers. And not only that, both Mac and Ronnie had commented on the posts themselves.
Mac commenting was one thing.
But, Ronnie? Current convict Ronnie?
Yeah, to say I was a bit shocked was an understatement.
I mean, who knew you could comment on shit on the internet from the slammer?
It was definitely news to me.
I guess pop culture is more prevalent in prison than I was aware.
[laughs]
To be honest, both their responses had been similar to Josh’s.
Not angry. Or mad. Just…kind for the most part.
If anything, I’d gained even more closure on the past from their words.
But that closure didn’t feel as poignant since my relationship with Ollie was pretty much a fucking mess.
Speaking of him, surfing article number two had also gone live.
It revolved mostly around Ollie and how he’d taken the time to teach me how to swim…and sort of teach me how to surf.
Everyone loved it. Especially his horde of female fangirls.
And truthfully, I didn’t know if Ollie had seen it.
Probably because I’d yet to spend any alone time with him…
[short pause]
For the most part, I’d kept really busy.
The Silver Surfer Pro in Huntington Beach had officially kicked off, and it was the biggest event I’d attended since I started the assignment.
The men’s and women’s competitions had collided and were spread out nearly a half mile across the beach.
It was quite the sight.
The sand was littered with male and female surfers, journalists and media from all across the world, and fans. So many fans. Huntington Beach was a surfer’s wet dream, and the local support was, hands down, the best I’d ever seen.
Honestly, it should have all felt pretty damn epic, seeing the badass female surfers of the world out there crushing waves like they were made to do it, but my mood had taken an all-around nose dive after I’d interviewed Sage Gilmore and Amelia Erickson.
Things hadn’t been the same since.
And like I mentioned before, I hadn’t had a chance to spend any time with Ollie.
Well, I guess that’s kind of bullshit, huh?
I’d had time, but I’d avoided it. Which, looking back on things, I know wasn’t necessarily the best approach. If anything, it only added more complication to the already confusing situation.
I should’ve talked to him. But ever since I’d pushed pause on our relationship—whatever our relationship was—I couldn’t seem to find the play button. I couldn’t seem to do anything except evade him like I’d committed some sort of crime and he was the damn cops.
And it wasn’t that he hadn’t reached out.
He had.
Even that morning, when I was heading down to the beach, he’d texted me.
I miss you, little fire.
And I had texted back.
I miss you too.
Because the fact remained, I did miss him.
I liked him.
Hell, who am I kidding at this point, huh?
I more than liked Ollie. And I hadn’t just fallen for him. I’d gone kamikaze-style, thrown caution to the wind, and let my heart get involved.
But my matters of the heart weren’t the priority of the day.
I had interviews, I had event coverage, I had my fucking job.
I was at the event for a reason, and I had to force myself to focus on that reason.
And my concentration stayed strong for most of the event.
I took some amazing photos for my articles.
I chatted up a group of young female surfers about the challenges of being a woman in what used to be a mostly male-dominated sport.
And I even had the cutest interview with an eight-year-old fan wearing a Sage Gilmore T-shirt. She had dreams of being just like her female surfing idol when she grew up, and my heart warmed at the light in her eyes when she watched Sage take to the water and receive the highest scores from the judges.
All in all, it had been a good day.
Until, well, everything I’d been fighting so hard against slapped me straight across the face.
I’d headed toward the tent to grab a bottle of water. And just before I stepped inside, I spotted them, Ollie and Amelia, standing inside the tent near the media section, while a journalist from Surfing World asked them questions about the competition.
From my viewpoint, I could see and hear everything.
And from my current overthinking headspace, instead of going on about my business, I stayed put and eavesdropped.
[sighs]
Definitely not my proudest moment, guys.
But that’s what I did, and I can’t exactly take it back now…
“How is Sage feeling today?” the journalist asked, and Amelia smiled.
“She’s good. Focused. And taking this competition one event at a time. I’m extremely proud of her and all that she’s accomplished thus far.”
“What do you think about Sage Gilmore?” He redirected the question to Ollie. “Do you think she’s someone to keep watching over the next few years?”
“Of course, I do. She’s a bloody good surfer and—” Ollie grinned and nudged Amelia playfully with his elbow “—she has one hell of a coach. One of the best out there, in my not generally humble opinion.”
The journalist smiled at them, his gaze volleying back and forth between Ollie and Amelia, and I knew his next question would be focused on that very fact.
My breath caught in my lungs at the anticipation of it all.
“It’s been a while since the world has seen you two together,” he noted, and his lips crested up with a knowing smile. “Is it safe to say the past is in the past now?”
Amelia looked at Ollie, and Ollie looked at Amelia, and eventually, he took the lead on the question.
“Amelia will always hold a special place in my heart,” he said and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “We’ve been through a lot together. Seen each other at our best and our bloody worst, but we will always be close. We’ll always have each other’s backs.”
The journalist looked toward Amelia, and she smiled.
“I couldn’t have said it better myself.”
[deep sigh]
Amelia will always hold a special place in his heart…
They will always be close…
Yeah, those words cut like a knife.
They sliced open my insecurities, which tumbled out in big, soul-crushing waves. Not to mention, the realization of the depth of my feelings for him hit me straight in the chest.
I was in love with him. Present tense.
By that point in the interview, I had to walk away.
The sight of them together. Their familiarity. Their secret smiles. His words. Her words. It was just too much.
My eavesdropping had clued me in to things I very much didn’t want to hear.
To an unbiased outsider, it might not have seemed like such a big deal. I mean, Ollie hadn’t said anything that indicated he was still in love with his ex; he’d purely showed admiration for her. He’d acknowledged that they still cared about one another. And she’d done the same.
And, hell, maybe you’re thinking that very same thing right now as I tell you this.
But the fact remained, it was torture for me.
I’d opened up my heart to him. And the possibility of having my heart torn to shreds wasn’t something I wanted to entertain. In fact, I would do just about anything not to feel it.
[deep breath]
God, is it just me, or does love feel like a lose-lose situation?
When you give yourself to someone, when you let them into your heart, they hold all the power. They can either love you right back, or they can destroy you. And even if that someone loves you right back, there is no guarantee.
I had what felt like a never-ending list of past relationships that had ended in destruction.
Not just the ex-boyfriends, but my mother too.
She had loved me with everything she had, yet I’d had to live without her since I was sixteen. Even as time passed, even nearly twelve years later, the void from her presence never diminished. It still ached. Every. Single. Day.
[sighs again]
Love was a real bitch sometimes, folks.
A real fucking bitch.
And I had planned on giving you more of this story today, but…
[shaky breath]
Well, I just need a minute before I can go on.
Be back soon.