Episode 22: “I don’t know what the future holds.”
Did you guys know, so far, I’ve published nearly fourteen hours’ worth of me pouring my heart out to you?
Fourteen hours of romance, sarcasm, pithy remarks, and calamity.
Oh, and probably ten too many f-bombs, too.
I’m sure it was entertaining for you, but fourteen hours is a lot when you’re the one who’s already lived it.
[sighs]
When I started recording this podcast a few weeks ago, I was fresh off one of the hardest heartbreaks I’ve ever experienced.
Ollie, quite literally, wrecked me.
Our big blowup at dinner with his sister was the last time I saw him, and a part of me still isn’t convinced that’s a good thing.
Because there are unspoken words left to say, untold truths left to admit and, likely, a whole lot of unrealized agony to suffer when I finally close the book on him.
[deep exhale]
But I hardly think seeing him in person now is the way to go. It maybe could be, if I were a stronger woman, one with a harder heart and less chips in her veneer.
So, for now, I’ve been focusing on other, equally important things.
My best friend, for example.
I eventually talked to Allie and let her know what was going on.
She was pretty shocked by all of it, and even a little hurt that I hadn’t told her the truth from the start.
I can’t really blame her.
But trust me, there is no easy way to explain to your best friend that you slept with her brother, and in the process, went ahead and fell in love with him too.
[laughs]
Talk about a debacle.
Thankfully, I think once I explained it all to her, she understood. That’s what best friends do, especially ride or die, bury that shit in the backyard instead of calling the cops, in it until the end kind of gals.
I’m glad our relationship is on the mend, really, I am, but it hasn’t been all roses. Along with reliability, the best of friends are known for one other thing: being pains in the ass. And my Aussie, blond, foul-mouthed version is no different.
Allie really wants me to talk to Ollie.
But I just…can’t face him yet.
My heart is too sad. The wounds too raw. And the cruel words he said still play over and over inside my head like a broken record.
When I left the restaurant that night, I needed to get it all out somehow, but what happened between us felt too damn big to put into a regular Dear Ex-Boyfriend letter.
And so, this podcast was born.
Hell, I don’t even know if I can consider him my ex-boyfriend.
I mean, we were never official, but yet, somehow, someway, he meant more than any other man in my life ever has.
We only made love once, but the feel of him still lingers in my bones.
[pauses]
I’ll be leaving for France next month, and after that, I’ll be on to Portugal and Hawaii as I finish up the last events of the surfing competition.
And yes, as far as I know, Ollie will be there.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, but maybe, when I get back in November, I’ll do another series of podcasts and let you know. Hopefully, by that point, I’ll have found the closure I need.
[laughs manically]
Or maybe, I shouldn’t even bother.
I mean, what good could you guys get out of a podcast that doesn’t include some kind of happy ending?
Because I can’t promise you one.
I can’t sit here and pretend everything will get sorted, and we’ll ride off in some fucking pumpkin carriage like the prince and princess of the podcast world.
We probably won’t. At least, it isn’t looking too probable from where I’m sitting.
But I guess we’ll see. Life’s supposed to be some big mystery anyway, right?
[laughs]
Anyway, for my final podcast, I’m going to stick to what I know.
And I know that if I don’t get this out, it’s going to eat me alive.
So, here it is. One last Ex-Boyfriend slash Ex-Lover slash Ex-Jerk letter to wash all the past away.
And this one, friends…
This one is to Ollie.
[deep breath]
Dear Ollie,
I know I’m bad at love, but you know what?
I think you’re bad at love too.
You’re childish and egocentric and self-serving, and to be honest, I think women have always come too easily for you.
I believe pride of ownership—care of something—is directly related to the work you put into getting it.
I take great pains in my job because I scrapped and struggled to get it. I may not save lives or impact the greater good, but it means something to me, and as a result, I nourish it.
For you, it’s the waves. Not the job or the company or the fame—I know that now—but the waves that garner your respect.
You work hard to assure the competitions are judged fairly, and you work even harder to bring a sport that brings you so much joy to people like you.
Even I can see that, and I’m not really in the mood to focus on the positives.
But what we both bring in spades to those areas of our lives, we neglect to even consider in our personal lives.
You accused me of being incapable of falling for someone, but I think it’s who I fall for, and the way I respect it, that’s the problem.
Case in point: I fell for you. Hard.
You…the guy who insulted me at first glance and taunted me from that moment on.
You…the guy who had the attention of many and weren’t looking for the attention of one.
You…the guy who has enough commitment and isn’t looking for more.
I know we can’t choose who to love, but from this point forward, I think it’s best that we both try.
I need to find the guy who can give me everything, and you need the girl who doesn’t need much.
[audible sigh]
You should have been honest with me about Amelia—about everything—but I don’t even think that’s really the biggest issue here anymore.
Sure, it was a catalyst for our demise, but in truth, it was situational at best.
Because you and I aren’t meant to be.
We both made mistakes, but we made them because they’re ingrained in us.
We made them because we’re not a match.
We made them because love doesn’t conquer all.
I know I’m probably still not handling it the best, but you hurt me, Ollie.
You broke my heart, with your actions and your words, but just like always…I’m the only person left to put myself back together.
I miss you. And I probably always will.
But those are my crosses to bear, and I’ll eventually find closure with it all.
One day, I’ll be able to wake up without you being the first thought in my mind. And if you’re even at all worried about it…one day, you’ll be able to wake up without thinking of me too.
Love,
Little Fire
[inhales a shaky breath]
I love you guys.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your kind messages.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for everything.
And who knows, maybe you’ll hear from me again in a few months…
THE END?
NOT EVEN CLOSE…
Surely, you’re ready for the rest of Lucky and Ollie’s story!
Don’t worry, the conclusion of their story releases on October 25th.
And this time, you get to hear Ollie’s side of things.
Prepare yourselves, things about to get real swoony, Aussie-style.
today!
And keep reading for an exclusive sneak peak into Ollie’s mind!
2018 has been the start of ALL THE FUN THINGS.
Find out why everyone is laughing their ass off every Monday morning with us.
Max Monroe’s Monday Morning Distraction.
It’s hilarity and entertainment in newsletter form.
Trust us, you don’t want to miss it.
Stay up-to-date with our characters, us, and get your own copy of Monday Morning Distraction by
You may live to regret much, but we promise it won’t be this.
If you’re already signed up, consider sending us a message to tell us how much you love us. We really like that. ;)
Follow us online: