Dress shopping with Charlotte had been easier and more fun than I’d expected, but I’m still not sure I can survive Jake’s party. The last party I went to was the one that claimed Spencer’s life. It was even at Jake’s house.
I’m on thin ice with my friends, and my mom is relentless, but the thing that finally makes me get in the car is the smile on my sister’s face when she comes downstairs, ready to go. I know how desperate she is to go to this party. I want to lecture her about how being popular isn’t everything, but I can’t because she’s been so nice to me all day. She’s been acting like she used to before the accident—like she looks up to me. I can’t let her down.
I take the long way to Jake’s house, avoiding the street where Spencer died, but it doesn’t help. As soon as I pull up in front of the house, see all the people milling about, and hear the music blasting, it’s as if I’m back in that night, like no time has passed at all.
My hands shake as I turn off the ignition and stare up at the house. I’m wound so tightly that I let out a startled yelp when Julia breaks the silence. “It’s going to be fine, Bailey,” she promises tentatively. “You’ll see. As soon as you go in there, your friends will help you relax.”
She’s wrong. Trisha and Liz are in there waiting to push me into Chase’s ready arms. When I don’t say anything, she tries again to make me feel better. “You came dress shopping and hung out with Charlotte and that was nice, wasn’t it? You had fun today, right?”
“That was different,” I whisper. “The last time I was here was…”
In a show of sisterly affection I haven’t seen from Julia in nearly a year, she reaches out and takes my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You can do this. Don’t give up now. Please? At least give it a chance.” I meet her pleading gaze, and she gives me a small smile. “I’ll stay with you until you feel better, if you want.”
She’s been waiting to go to this party for weeks. I know she doesn’t want to spend it babysitting me, but she sounds sincere. I can’t do that to her even though that offer is tempting.
“I’m here, too, Bay,” Spencer whispers from the backseat. “I’ll stay with you the whole night.”
I hadn’t seen Spencer since I left the house. I wasn’t sure he’d come, seeing as how this was where he spent the last night of his life. I nearly cry when I hear his voice. I glance in the rearview mirror, and his answering smile gives me the courage I need. I shake my head at my sister. “You go have fun. You don’t have to babysit me. I’ll be okay.”
“You sure? It’s not a problem, Bailey. You’re my sister. If you need me, I’ll stay with you.” I’m touched by her loyalty. I didn’t think she cared about me this much.
I swallow back a lump of emotion, not wanting to ruin whatever this moment is. It’s been so long since we’ve acted like a family. “That was my polite way of saying I don’t want my dorky little sister hanging around cramping my style all night.”
I smirk to let her know I’m only teasing, and her eyes gloss over as she smiles back. She throws her arms around me, laughing. “Thank you for coming tonight. I know you’re only doing it for me, but it’ll be good for you, too, I promise. And I’ll stay close, just in case.”
We get out of the car, and as we head to the door, I decide to focus my anxiety on my sister instead of the party inside. “No alcohol, no smoking, no drugs. Don’t drink anything anyone hands you unless you open it yourself. Don’t wander off with any strange guys—or familiar guys, for that matter. Actually, no guys, period. This is an upperclassman party, and you’re only a freshman. Some of the guys might try to take advantage of that. Maybe you should just stay with me tonight. In fact, I shouldn’t have brought you. Maybe we should leave.”
Julia grabs my hand when I turn back toward the car. I expect to see annoyance, but she’s smiling at me. “I’ll behave myself, Bailey. I’m really only hoping to talk to Colin. He and his friends are sophomores.”
“He’s still a guy. And one related to Jake, no less.”
“I’ll stay in sight.”
I grab her hand and let her pull me through the front door. We’re fashionably late, as Julia had planned. The party is already in full swing, but a lot of the commotion stops as we enter. People are startled to see me. They whisper and stare, but they’re all quick to smile. They’re surprised but happy I’m here. I suppose that’s a good thing, but the knots in my stomach don’t disappear.
A group of my friends from orchestra wave me over. I’m a little surprised to see them here because they aren’t exactly popular, but from the looks of it, the entire junior class is here. “Go,” Julia whispers. She points to the other side of the room. “Colin and his friends are right over there. I’m going to go say hi.”
She gives me a shove toward my friends and wanders off. I join my friends, relieved at least that Chase hasn’t spotted me yet.
“Hey, Bailey!” Amelia and Henry both greet me as I join them. Amelia plays the flute and Henry is a cellist. Henry has been crushing on Amelia for years, but she’s too oblivious to notice, and he’s too shy to say anything.
“You got here too late,” Amelia says, pulling me close to talk over the blaring music. “You just missed the drama. Trisha is wearing this outfit that is, like, skank-central, and Max couldn’t stop staring at her chest, so Priscilla finally dumped him.”
I smile and am surprised to feel disappointed that I missed it. Max is a percussionist and a total weasel, while Priscilla is the biggest sweetheart I know. I’ve wished Priscilla would break up with him for a long time. “Good for her. She can do better.”
Both Henry and Amelia nod. “Oh, totally,” Amelia says. “I was just trying to convince Henry he should ask her out. Don’t you think they’d make a cute couple?”
I shouldn’t interfere, but I can’t ignore the look of longing in Henry’s eyes. He’s my friend, and I want to help him out, so I smile at Amelia and say, “Not as cute as you and Henry would be.”
Amelia and Henry both freeze, gaping at me in shock. I laugh at them as I scoot them a little closer to each other. “Why don’t you guys go dance? Maybe you could discuss homecoming. You don’t have a date yet, right, Amelia?”
Amelia looks a little sick, but I can tell by the blush in her cheeks as she stares at the floor that she’s not opposed to the idea. “Well—I—um, no…”
Henry is still staring at me, frozen in fear. I give him a meaningful look, nudging my head toward Amelia. The gesture snaps him out of it, and he clears his throat. “I don’t have a date yet, either. Would you like to go to homecoming with me, Amelia?”
Amelia’s head snaps up, and she stares at Henry with wide eyes. It makes Henry nervous. His gaze falls to his shoes, and he kicks the carpet, shrugging. “I mean, if you want to. You don’t have to, of course.”
Henry won’t look up. His face is bright red. Amelia looks to me for help, so I give her a big smile and nod toward Henry as if to say, What are you waiting for?
“I—um…” She looks at Henry again and gathers her courage. “I’d love to go with you, Henry.”
Henry meets her gaze, his face so full of hope that even Amelia realizes he has feelings for her. Her eyes grow wide, and she glances at me in shock. I laugh, placing her hand in his. They both blush, but neither of them lets go of the other. “My work here is done,” I tease. “You guys go dance.”
I give them a gentle push toward the middle of the living room where other couples are dancing. They smile shyly at one another and then follow my prompt. As they walk off, Henry glances back at me. He gives me a bright smile and mouths “Thanks.” I answer him with a wink and turn around feeling a little lighter.
“That’s my girl,” Spencer says with a chuckle. “Always with the matchmaking.”
I can’t answer him in a room full of people, but I roll my eyes. He refuses to let me shrug off the moment. “The world needs you, Bailey. Your friends need you. Henry has been in love with Amelia since eighth grade and probably would have graduated without ever saying anything.”
I glance across the room to where Amelia and Henry are now standing in a corner, talking to each other with stars in their eyes. They’ll be together by the end of the night, and they’ll be an epic couple. I can’t help but smile at them.
“Loser alert,” Spencer mumbles just as Chase places a hand on my shoulder from behind.
I give Spencer a “be nice” look, then turn to force a smile at Chase, making sure to step out from under his grip. If he notices, he doesn’t say anything. His eyes are trained on Amelia and Henry. “That’s what I love about you.” He points toward Amelia and Henry. “You’re nice to everyone, even geeks like them.”
I crack another smile when Spencer snorts. He had a hard time restraining himself from mocking most of my friends when people could see him. With his newfound invisibility, this is bound to be a very interesting night. Chase thinks my smile is for him. His face lights up at the encouragement, and Spencer snorts again. “You wish, buddy.”
“Hi, Chase,” I say quickly, throwing Spencer a glare because he almost made me laugh again—which would make me look absolutely crazy.
“Jake and I had a bet on whether or not you’d actually show tonight. I owe him five bucks, but I’m really glad you came.”
He reaches for my hand, but I slip my fingers in the pockets of my jeans before he can latch himself on to me. I shrug my shoulders. “Julia didn’t give me much of a choice. She’s got a major thing for Jake’s brother.”
Chase follows my gaze across the room to Julia and Colin with a smile. “I’ll have to thank her later.”
His eyes find mine again, and he opens his mouth to say something else, but before he can speak, Liz jumps on me. “There you are!” She grabs my arm and starts dragging me toward the kitchen. “You took enough time getting here. Geez.”
I shrug. “Just trying to being fashionably late.”
Liz rolls her eyes as she pulls us into the kitchen. “There’s fashionably late, and then there’s missing half the party. Everyone thought you were going to ditch us.”
I pull out of her arm, her annoyance making me angry. “Well, I’m here, aren’t I?”
She stares at me another moment and then breaks into a happy smile again. “Yes, you are, and there’s still plenty of time to have fun.”
She yanks me through the kitchen out on to the back deck where most of our clique is hanging out. Jake has gone all out. There’s food piled high on several pop-up tables and a couple of guys grilling all kinds of things on the barbecue. Jake is manning the drinks, while Trisha hangs on him sipping from a red plastic cup.
“Hey, everyone,” Liz shouts, “look who Chase found!”
A loud cheer erupts. I’m greeted with hugs from several girls and nods from the guys. Jake abandons the drinks and scoops me into a hug that lifts me off my feet. “The beautiful Bailey Atkinson has arrived at last!” he says, placing a sloppy wet kiss on my cheek before he sets me back on my feet.
He’s smashed, but he’s always been a very lovable drunk, and I can’t help laughing at the silly smile on his face. He seems genuinely happy that I’m here. Trisha, on the other hand, is not the least bit pleased. But that has more to do with the way Jake’s tucked me into his side and still has his arm around my shoulders. “Nice of you to finally grace us with your presence now that the party’s almost over.”
“Oh, stop,” Jake tells her. He grins at me again. “Trisha’s been extra grumpy tonight because she thought you’d bail on us, but I knew you wouldn’t miss my party. Come on, let’s get you a drink.”
I shake my head when he hands me a beer. “No thanks.”
He pushes it at me anyway. “Come on, you look like you’re terrified to be here. You need to loosen up. Have some fun.”
I push it back. “I don’t drink.”
Trisha scoffs, and Jake rolls his eyes. “Just one isn’t going to kill you,” he promises as he takes my hand and curls it around the cup. “It won’t even get you drunk. It’ll just buzz you enough to help you relax.”
Spencer sighs. “He’s definitely destined to be king of his frat house someday. Why do you hang out with these people, Bay? They’re all jerks. You don’t even really like them. Let’s get out of here. Let’s go hang out with Wes. I can show you where he lives, and I guarantee he won’t try to shove you full of beer and grope you to bad techno music.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Spencer’s driving me as crazy as Jake is at the moment. I try to tune him out and focus on answering Jake. “It’s not that, okay? Spencer died in a drunk-driving accident. I don’t drink.”
Trisha groans at the mention of Spencer. “Oh great, here we go. It only took her fifteen seconds. Spare us your Spencer moping.”
The insult stings. “I wasn’t moping. I just don’t want to drink.”
“Trisha!” Liz hisses.
Trisha glares at her. “What? We’re all thinking it. You were the one just saying you can’t stand how she always—”
“Chill, Trisha!” Chase interrupts before Trisha can finish her sentence. It’s clear he really doesn’t want me to hear whatever she was about to say.
I glance at Liz, startled to learn that she was talking about me behind my back. I’d expect it from Trisha, but not Liz. Liz won’t meet my gaze, making the knot in my stomach grows tighter. With a quick look around, I realize it’s not just Liz. None of my friends will make eye contact. I don’t understand. Do they all hate me? Why was it so important that I come tonight if none of them really want me here?
“Hey, you promised me a dance,” Chase says. I’d been dreading having to dance with him tonight, but when he offers me his hand, I gratefully accept it and let him drag me back into the house.
The music has slowed down, so Chase lifts my hands around his neck and pulls me close. He’s smiling at me as we begin to sway with the song, but I still feel awful. “I wasn’t trying to be a buzzkill. I just didn’t want a drink, and Jake wouldn’t stop—”
“Don’t worry about it,” Chase says. “Jake was being an idiot because he’s drunk, and Trisha’s just pissed that you actually showed up because if you start acting like your old self again, she’s not going to be queen bee anymore.” He chuckles. “I think she’s afraid that with you and me dating, she and Jake won’t be voted as junior class homecoming prince and princess.”
My stomach clenches again. “What?”
Chase laughs at my shock and pulls me even tighter against him. “Trisha’s horrible to people, and Jake has played half the girls in school. Who would vote for them when they could vote for us?”
I shake my head. “That’s not what I meant.” How can I say it without hurting his feelings? “Chase…you and I are really good friends, right?”
Chase’s gaze falls to my lips. “We could be more.”
I step back, sighing. Chase lets me put some space between us, but he holds onto my hand. He stares down at his thumb as he rubs it over the back of my hand. After a heartbeat of silence, he looks up and pins me with an unrelenting stare. “I really like you, Bailey.”
“I like you, too, Chase. You’re a really nice guy, and you’ve been so supportive this past year. It’s meant a lot to me.”
“So let it mean something even more. Go out with me.” When I start to refuse, he cuts me off. “It’s been a year. How much time do you need? I understand you’re probably scared to get into another relationship after what happened, but maybe if you just take the plunge, you’ll surprise yourself. Give me a chance.”
I close my eyes again because I can’t gather my thoughts while looking into his soft green eyes, so filled with determination. He’s being sweet, and it’s making this moment so much worse. Eyes still clenched shut, I shake my head. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”
“Why?”
With a pathetic attempt to smile, I take Chase’s hands in mine and give them a small squeeze that’s meant to be apologetic. “You’re not him,” I whisper.
Chase stiffens. I know how that sounds, but I don’t know what else to say. All I can offer him is a helpless shrug. “You’re a great guy, but I’ve never had those kinds of feelings for anyone but him. I know how long it’s been, and I know I should be dating again, but I don’t know how to make myself like anyone else.”
My speech doesn’t deflate Chase the way I expect it to. Instead, determination fills him. He leans forward to kiss me. I try to back away, but he reaches up and holds my face close to his. He’s confident but not aggressive. He’s not trying to force himself on me; he’s just not letting me run. “Please?” he asks. “Just try it?”
I decide to go for it. I relax and let him kiss me. I even make an honest effort to kiss him back. I know everyone—my friends, my family, Dr. Moscowitz, even Spencer—wants me to move on. They’d all be happy if I started dating again. Chase isn’t a bad guy. He’s hot, he’s nice, and he’s considerate most of the time. He’s always been faithful to his previous girlfriends.
I could do worse, so I try to be objective. I try to enjoy this kiss, but it feels wrong. I stop, and Chase pulls back instantly, a hopeful question in his eyes. I wish I could tell him what he wants to hear, but I can’t. There’s nothing there. Not even a hint of a spark. “I’m sorry.”
“Nothing?”
I shrug helplessly and shake my head. “Maybe I’m broken. I gave Spencer my whole heart. Maybe he took it with him when he left.”
“I’m so sorry, Bay,” Spencer whispers. His voice is clouded with emotion. “I never wanted to hurt you. Don’t give up. Chase isn’t the answer, but you’re not broken. You’ll figure it out.”
Spencer’s words make my eyes sting, so I close them again and turn my head away from Chase. “I’m sorry, Chase. You’re a good friend, but we can’t be anything more than that.”
I hate the look on Chase’s face. I’ve hurt him—embarrassed, rejected, and disappointed him—but he takes it in stride and doesn’t lash out. “I should go,” I murmur when he doesn’t say anything.
His eyes darken and his jaw clenches. “Whatever,” he finally mumbles. “I’m going to get a drink. I’ll see you later, Bailey.”
He stomps off toward the backyard, pushing anyone aside who doesn’t get out of his way fast enough. I don’t blame him for being upset. “That could have gone a lot worse,” I mutter.
“True,” Spencer agrees. “I expected more drama than that.”
“He’s not a bad guy,” I whisper.
Spencer rolls his eyes. “He’s a tool. You deserve more. Come on, let’s find Julia and get out of here.”
I give him a subtle nod. He’s right. It’s time to go. I spot Julia on the other side of the room. She’s sitting on a couch next to Colin, and he’s got his arm around her, leaning in really close as they talk. She looks so happy that I don’t have the heart to ruin her night. There’s only an hour before we have to leave to be home by our curfew, so I find an empty chair and settle in to wait it out.
Spencer sighs when he realizes what I’m doing. “I hope Julia knows she has the coolest big sister in the world.”