I don’t sleep well, and school the following day goes by in a blur. After I finish detention, I head over to the hospital. Wes and I aren’t scheduled to come in until tomorrow, so I’m hoping I can get in and out without seeing him.
Regina is at the nurses station when I arrive and greets me with a warm smile. “Hey, sweetie. I heard you and Wes came to see Rosie last night. How are you today?”
I can’t fake a good mood, so I don’t even try. “I’ve been better,” I mumble.
Regina’s face melts with sympathy, and she pulls me into a hug. “Rosie’s was a particularly hard loss for all of us. I’m sorry, honey.”
I hug her back, grateful for the compassion, and have to wipe away a rogue tear when I pull away. I sort of wish she wasn’t the one who’d found me today, because I’m here to quit, and I know it will disappoint her. But she’s been my mentor and is by far my favorite nurse here. She deserves a proper good-bye and an explanation.
Steeling my nerves, I clear my throat and hand her the forms from the school I’ve brought with me. “What’s this?” she asks.
“Um, well, my forty hours are done, and I need a signature on this form to get the credit for school.”
“Oh, sure!” Her face lights up with a bright smile, and she quickly scribbles her name on the paper.
“Um…Regina?”
“Yeah?”
“I…uh…I’m not going to stay.”
She gets it immediately and sags her shoulders as her eyes pop wide. “You’re leaving?”
I swallow hard and nod. “Thank you for all you’ve done for me, but—”
“Is it because of Rosie?” she asks, wrapping me in her arms again. “Death is unfortunately part of the job around here, but there are so many wonderful things, too. You don’t have to quit.”
I shake my head. “It’s not Rosie. Well, it’s not only Rosie.” Glancing around the bustling hospital floor, I shrug. “This isn’t the right place for me. It’s been a great experience, and I’m glad I did it, but I know I don’t want a career in the medical profession. I’m a distraction for Wes—who does want to be a doctor someday—and honestly, this internship is such a great opportunity, it should go to someone who could really use it.”
Regina takes a minute to digest that and then offers me a small, understanding smile. “You sure there’s nothing I can do to change your mind?”
“Yeah. I’m sure.”
I’m rewarded with one more hug—a tighter one this time. “Well, we’re sure going to miss you around here, honey. Thanks for sticking it out this long.”
“Miss you?” I cringe at the sound of Wes’s voice. I’d really, really hoped I wouldn’t see him today. Or ever again. “You’re quitting?”
All I want to do is glare at him. I manage an indifferent shrug, but I don’t say anything because I don’t trust myself not to say something that would start a fight and have him spout off about my questionable mental state in front of Regina and everyone else on the floor. Gossip spreads like wildfire among the nurses, and my seeing Spencer would get back to Dr. Moscowitz for sure. That is not something I want to happen.
When Wes realizes he’s not going to get more out of me than my shrug, his jaw clenches and he rubs the back of his neck as he glares at the ground. I’m about to leave when he finally looks at me again, and I’m surprised to see no anger in his gaze. His stare is intense, but he’s not mad. “You don’t have to quit because of me.”
He might not be mad anymore, but I’m still upset. “I’m not quitting because of you.” I hold up my signed school form. “We hit forty hours.”
His eyes narrow on the paper. “That’s it? Your forty hours are up, so you’re just done?”
“This is your thing,” I told him, waving my hand at the hospital around us. “Not mine. It never was. I only agreed to this in the first place because I needed the community service, and because of Spencer, and because I thought maybe you and I could fix whatever went wrong between us. Obviously we can’t, so there’s no reason for me to stay.”
His jaw ticks. His calm attitude was short-lived. I don’t give him the opportunity to argue with me. I force a smile at Regina, who is watching us with a sad and helpless expression. “Thanks for everything, Regina.”
Knowing there’s no point in arguing or trying to convince me to stay, she nods slowly, resigned. “Bye, Bailey.”
I look at Wes one last time. “Bye, Wes. Tell your mother good-bye for me, too. And good luck in the future. I hope the best for you. I really do.”
His face softens, instantly cracking some of my resolve. I jam my finger on the elevator call button and thank the heavens when the doors open right away. I step inside and hit the button for the main lobby, never looking back. I don’t dare. I can’t face his softer side. I’m not strong enough to resist it, and I swore to myself last night that I wouldn’t let him hurt me anymore.
. . . . .
For the second night in a row, I toss and turn until my alarm goes off in the morning. I’m exhausted, and I’m feeling a little empty knowing that I would normally be heading to the hospital after school today, only now I’ll have nothing to do.
The hospital hadn’t been for me, but it did make me realize that I should be doing more with my life. But what? I spend the whole morning thinking really hard about this question and am determined to come up with an answer. Or at least a possibility or two.
Wes knows he wants to be a doctor. He’s already working on his general college credits even though he isn’t done with high school. He’s going to graduate with an associate’s degree at the same time as he gets his high school diploma and will hopefully be accepted into Columbia’s premed program. He’s even going to try to get scholarships and grant money to help pay for it since his family has racked up so many hospital bills.
“Bailey.”
He has a plan. Even though he’s been through the same loss as me—more loss—he doesn’t let it beat him. He hasn’t fallen apart and given up on life.
“Bailey.”
Seeing him live and deal with everything so maturely makes me feel pathetic. I don’t want to be that weak anymore.
“Earth to Bailey!”
I blush and offer a sheepish smile to my sister. I hadn’t even realized she’d joined Charlotte and me in the lunch line.
“Are you okay?”
Charlotte nudges me gently with her elbow. “She’s been like that all day.”
Julia’s brow creases with worry. “Oh, Bailey, please don’t do that. Don’t zone out again.”
Her words strike guilt into my heart. “I’m not,” I promise. “I’m just tired. I haven’t slept much the past two days.”
Her worried frown deepens with disbelief.
“I’m okay,” I insist. “I promise I’m just exhausted and I have a lot on my mind. Waking up from a living coma is a lot to process. You know that pins and needles feeling you get when your foot falls asleep and it starts to wake up again?”
Both Julia and Charlotte cringe. “I hate that feeling,” Charlotte says with a shudder.
“That’s kind of what this feels like,” I admit. “I haven’t dealt with anything since Spencer’s death. I shut down and closed myself off from everything because it hurt too much to deal with. I’ve been asleep for a year. Now I’m waking up, and it’s all hitting me at once. It’s a lot, but I finally realize I have to deal with it. Maybe I’m a little out of it, but I promise I’m not going to turn into Zombie Bailey again.” I hold my fist out to my sister with my pinky finger extended. “Pinkie swear.”
Julia narrows her eyes at me as she hooks her pinkie through mine, sealing my promise for good. In her eyes, there is no greater power than the pinkie swear. That’s okay, because I don’t intend to break it. She relaxes once the oath is complete. “Okay. Good. Because I need you. And not just for your popularity.” She hesitates and then says, “Okay, at the moment I need you for your popularity, but I also need my big sister.”
I roll my eyes and she shrugs, chagrined.
“Explain,” I say as I reach the front of the lunch line. Unwilling to gamble on the school’s so-called spaghetti and meatballs, I opt for the cold lunch choice and accept a ham sandwich and a bag of potato chips.
Charlotte wisely avoids the hot meal, too, and grabs a salad. Julia is either very brave or very stupid, because she grabs a tray filled with the questionable red mush. “I need to sit with you and Charlotte today, and if you know any cute older guys you could introduce me to, I would love you forever.”
Relieved to see Julia acting like her normal self, I chuckle. “What happened?”
She frowns. “You were right about Jake’s brother. He’s a total player. I thought he liked me. He asked me out, even, but when I wouldn’t make out with him on the first date, he asked Shelly Dupree to homecoming instead of me.”
“Jerk,” Charlotte says.
I nod in agreement. “Tools, both of them.”
“Right,” Julia agrees. “But, see, now all my friends are, like, feeling sorry for me and pitying me because I got played and dumped or whatever. I need a hot date to the dance with someone either older or more popular than Colin so that people will stop talking about me.”
I hate that Julia is so obsessed with popularity and what people think of her, but at the same time I can understand her wanting to save face in front of her peers. I decide to throw her a bone. Maybe I’m still feeling guilty about ignoring her for the past year, or maybe I just want to help my baby sister feel better. (Or maybe I’m just a hopeless matchmaker.)
“Okay, I’ll help you find a date—on one condition.”
Julia’s eyes get wide. “Yes. Anything. What?”
“You don’t worry about the popularity thing, and go on the date because the guy I want to set you up with is a really nice guy, and I think you could have fun together.”
“Who?” Charlotte’s eyes gleam with excitement.
Julia groans. “Oh, come on. He’s a nerd, isn’t he? Of course he is. This is you we’re talking about. What is it with you and Mom and your love of geeks?”
I glance around the cafeteria and quickly find my orchestra friends. There are a few empty seats at their table—which is perfect. “He’s a geek,” I agree. There’s no use in trying to deny it. Julia will know the second I introduce them. “But he’s a cute geek. And he’s really sweet. And he’s smart, and creative. And he’s a junior…”
Julia’s eyebrows fly up. “A junior? You’d let me go out with a junior?”
I shrug as I lead Julia and Charlotte toward my friends. “He’s a young junior. He skipped a grade. And he’s pretty shy and really nice, so I’m not worried about him treating you badly. But yes, he’s a junior. Which I believe will work as a decent compromise and still help with your dilemma.”
Julia studies my face for a minute, considering the deal, and reluctantly agrees. “Fine. But if he turns out to be totally lame, you’re helping me find someone cool to date after the dance.”
I’m smiling when we reach their table. Julia is going to love Yuri as long as she gives him a chance. But then I remember everyone is mad at me when I see their wary faces, and my confidence falters. I can’t back out, though. I promised to help Julia, so I force a smile onto my face and say, “Hey, guys. Do you mind if we join you today?”
Everyone at the table looks from me to Charlotte, and their eyes get big. Our friends may be mad at us, but we’re still doubtlessly two of the most popular girls in school, and we’ve just asked to eat lunch with them. I never even did that when I was dating Spencer. As much as I liked my orchestra friends, we always just sat at my table with Trisha and crew.
It’s Henry who speaks up finally. “Yeah, go ahead.”
I try not to let my relief show as the three of us sit down, but I do give Henry a grateful smile. He and Amelia are sitting together, and the way he’s got his arm around her, I know their relationship has become official since I gave them a not-so-subtle nudge at Jake’s party.
“I’m really glad to see things are working out between you guys,” I say when they both notice my grin. “I knew it would.”
Both Henry and Amelia blush. I don’t want to embarrass them, so I keep the conversation going. “Have you guys all met Charlotte? And my sister Julia?”
As introductions are made, I emphasize Yuri’s name and point out some of his finer qualities as well as his single status. I then point out Julia’s awesomeness and explain to the entire group that she has unfortunately found herself dateless for the dance. I don’t even have to suggest anything to Yuri, because he’s already sneaking contemplative glances at Julia.
She checks him out, too, and I can see that she’s surprised. Yes, Yuri is labeled a dork because he’s in the orchestra and skipped a grade, but if high school were even remotely fair, he’d be one of the cool kids. He’s more of a hipster than a nerd, and he really is cute. I can so see him running a trendy advertising agency or something someday. He’ll be perfect for someone as obsessed with world trends as my sister.
While they strike up casual conversation, I finally dig into my lunch. After a minute, Amelia’s hand comes down on mine. I look up to meet hers and Henry’s shy smiles. “Hey Bailey, um, we’re really sorry about the party,” she says quietly.
She bites her bottom lip while Henry ducks his head, cheeks pink with shame. “We shouldn’t have believed Trisha about you and Wes. Spencer was our friend, but so are you.”
“We know you wouldn’t have cheated on him,” Amelia says. “And of course we don’t blame you for his accident. Whatever really happened that night, we know it was a misunderstanding.”
My nose tingles, and my eyes start to sting. I’m so touched by their apology and relieved by it. Charlotte’s been my savior since Jake’s party, but I really don’t want to go the rest of the school year with no other friends. “Thanks,” I choke out around a lump in my throat. “That means a lot to me.”
“Well, you mean a lot to us,” Amelia says. “You’re a great friend, and we’ve really missed you this past year.”
“It’s good to see you smiling and talking to people again,” Henry adds.
My chest fills with warmth. “It’s good to be smiling and talking to people again.”
Charlotte’s arm comes around me in a friendly hug. I smile and lean into her, gratefully accepting the show of support. When I look across the table at Amelia and Henry, my eyes mist over. “I’ve really missed you guys, too.”