It doesn’t take Liz long to find me. She’s buzzing with so much anger when she barrels through the crowded living room, dragging all of our friends behind her, that everyone stops to watch the scene. Someone even has the nerve to turn down the music. “What did you do?” she demands as the crowd parts the way for her.
“What do you mean? I didn’t do anything.”
“I mean Chase. He’s outside, drinking himself into oblivion, and snapping at anyone who comes near him.”
I stand up, hoping that we can take this conversation someplace private, but she’s not having it. She folds her arms and plants her feet right in front of me—not going anywhere. “You blew him off! Didn’t you?”
I don’t understand why she wants to humiliate me, but it’s clear that she does. The way she’s yelling, I know she means to make everyone in the room hear this entire conversation. She wants to cause a scene.
“I didn’t want to hurt his feelings,” I say, pleading for understanding. “I was as nice as I could be about it.”
“Chase really likes you. He’s liked you forever. He wants you to be his girlfriend. How could you break his heart like that?”
I’m shocked, I’m hurt, and I’m too stressed out to keep my temper under control. “I don’t want to be his girlfriend!” I snap. “What was I supposed to do? I talked to him. I let him kiss me. I tried to be open-minded about the idea, but I just don’t like him that way. I’m not ready to date anyone yet.”
Fire flashes in Liz’s eyes, and she clenches her hands into fists. “That’s it!” she screams. “We are so done with you! Ever since Spencer died, you’ve become the biggest freaking drama queen, and everyone is sick of it. You’re too absorbed in your own problems to care about your friends anymore. Oh, poor me. Spencer this, Spencer that. I’m so depressed. My life is over. Everybody pity me. You think you’re the only one who was hurt? You think you’re the only one who cares about him or misses him? You aren’t. We all liked him. But life freaking moves on. Spencer’s been dead for a year, Bailey. Get over it!”
Trisha pushes Liz aside so that she can have her turn getting in my face. “She can’t get over it because it was her fault.”
Her words make my blood freeze. It was my fault, but nobody knows that. The only reason she’d even think to say something like that is if she somehow knows the truth. But she couldn’t know. No one knows besides Wes and me, and there’s no way Wes told anyone what happened that night.
My worst nightmare comes true as Trisha pushes me in the chest and says, “You cheated on him. I saw you that night with Wes.”
The whole room gasps in shock. My deepest, darkest secret has finally surfaced. She doesn’t have the whole story, but she has enough. My silence is enough to convict me in the eyes of everyone in the room.
Trisha calms down a little now that she’s dropped her bomb, but it’s not out of compassion. She’s satisfied that she’s managed to hurt me. She’s not finished, either. “Spencer got drunk and drove off that night because of you. You were cheating on him with his best friend.”
I shake my head. “No, I wasn’t. Wes and I would never hurt Spencer like that. You don’t know what you saw that night.”
“I saw enough. I saw you with his tongue in your mouth.”
There’s another round of gasps, and this time people start whispering. None of them bother to hide their disgust. Trisha and I both look around the room at all the shocked and angry faces, and then she glares at me with her mouth twisted into a cruel smile. “You always thought you were so much better than everyone else, but your perfect relationship with your stupid nerd was a big, fat lie. You’re just as shallow as the rest of us. Only you’re worse. You’re a fake. A poser. You’re a hypocrite.”
“I’m not. That’s not what happened. You don’t understand,” I say, though I know there’s no point in defending myself. No one will ever believe me. They don’t want to believe me.
Worse than anything is the fact that Spencer is standing right next to me, hearing all of this. He hasn’t said anything since Trisha brought up my kiss with Wes, but it has to be hurting him.
“You act like you’re so devastated because you loved him so much, but you just feel guilty for killing him. You broke his heart, and now he’s dead because of you.”
She stops talking and looks at me as if waiting for me to deny it, but I can’t defend myself. She’s right. I did love him, more than anything in the world, but I know the reason I’m so broken over his death is because I caused it. I will live with that guilt all my life.
“Bailey, that’s not true,” Spencer finally whispers. The urgency in his voice brings me to the brink of tears. “It wasn’t your fault. I was the one who—”
“It was my fault!” I scream at him. I glance around the room, eyes finally glistening, and shake my head at everyone judging me. “I wasn’t cheating on Spencer. I loved him more than anything, but he is dead because of me.” I glare at Trisha and lower my voice. “You’re right. I can’t get over it, because I shouldn’t. I deserve to feel like this. Are you happy now?”
I can’t stand to be here for another second, and I’m pretty sure none of them want me here, either, so I do a walk of shame and leave Jake’s house without another word. I don’t look at anyone as I leave, and no one tries to stop me from going. Nobody says a word.
As I start my car and take a deep breath, Julia slides silently into the passenger seat. I’d forgotten she was even here. I feel terrible because I’ve probably just ruined her reputation as badly as I’ve destroyed my own. “I’m sorry.” The apology isn’t enough, but I don’t know what else I can do.
Julia’s face is ashen, and when she speaks she can barely manage a whisper. “Is it true? Did you and Wes…?”
It hurts that she’s not sure. “It’s not what she thinks, but she didn’t lie about anything.”
“What happened?”
I can’t answer her. Everything is too raw to talk about right now, too close to the surface. “It doesn’t matter,” I say as I start the car and pull away from Jake’s house. People are still watching out the windows. They stare until I drive around the corner. “I can’t change anything.”
“I know how much you loved Spencer. You would never have been unfaithful. Whatever happened, I’m sure it wasn’t intentional.”
“Intentional or not, what happened, happened.”
“But people might ease up on you if they understood.”
I shake my head. “No, they wouldn’t. They’ll hate me no matter what.”
“What makes you think that?”
I look my sister straight in the eye and tell her the truth. “Because I hate me. Wes hates me, too. It was my fault.”
Julia doesn’t say another word the rest of the way home, though she sneaks worried glances at me. Spencer tries to console me, but his assurances that it wasn’t my fault, that he doesn’t blame me, and that he loves me only make me feel worse. I try to ignore him, and when I get home, I go straight to bed.
. . . . .
I have nightmares all night long. I relive that night a hundred different times before my alarm goes off the next morning, and then I oversleep. I have to rush to get to the hospital on time. When I get there, my hair is tied back in a still-wet ponytail and I’m not wearing any makeup, but I’m on time. Wes and Regina are standing at the nurses station waiting for me. Regina’s smile leaves her face when she sees me. “Everything okay?”
“I’m fine. I just slept in. Sorry.”
Wes isn’t convinced. “Bailey, what is it?”
“I’m fine! I just didn’t sleep well last night.” As if the dark circles beneath my eyes haven’t already informed them of that fact. “What are we doing today?” I ask to break the awkward silence. “Please, please, please, no giving shots.”
Regina forces a nervous chuckle, but Wes continues to watch me with a frown on his face. “You’re in luck,” Regina says. “We’re on lunch duty today.”
“Lunch?” I frown. “It’s only nine thirty in the morning.”
Regina chuckles again, this time feeling more comfortable. The awkwardness has officially passed. “Lunch is a process here. Nearly every patient is on a special diet. First, we’ll go room to room collecting the patient’s menu cards, and I’ll show you how to check them with their charts for any dietary restrictions. Then we’ll go down to the cafeteria and put together the trays. Trust me, it’ll be lunchtime before we’re ready to deliver any food.”
“Wow. Complicated.”
“It’s not the most exciting job you’ll ever do, but it’s not bad work, either. There’s no blood, no needles, and hopefully no vomiting.” Regina laughs at my startled expression. “Chemo meds and eating don’t always mix very well, but we’re just dropping the food off, so we should be safe.”
I let out a breath. “That doesn’t sound so bad. I can handle that.”
“You’ll be fine. I promise. It’s actually kind of fun. You get to say hi to everyone, and they’re generally happy to see you. Plus, it makes the time fly by.” Regina gathers up her clipboard off the nurse’s counter and nods toward the long hallway of patient rooms. As she walks off, she grins at Wes and gives him a wink. “Come on, I promised Rosie we’d start with her.”
I follow Wes and Regina down the hall, beyond curious to meet this Rosie person that everybody loves to tease Wes about so much. The way he squirms every time her name is mentioned is the most adorable thing in the world. Whatever little girl here has completely fallen for him, I can’t blame her.
Rosie’s hospital room door is open, but Regina gives a soft knock and waits for an okay before entering. “Rosie?”
“Come in!”
The voice is weak but in good spirits, and it’s not as young as I’m expecting. I lag behind a little as Regina and Wes step up to Rosie’s bedside.
“Wes!”
“Hey, Rosie.”
Rosie is not the six-year-old I was imagining. I can’t tell exactly how old she is, but it’s very close to my sixteen years. And she’s pretty. She’s pale as death, bald, and too thin, but she has sparkling pale blue eyes and a beautiful smile.
Beaming at Wes with a look of utter infatuation, she scoots over even though the action looks painful and pats the edge of the bed. Wes doesn’t hesitate to sit. “I got your note,” she says, flushing. “I was bummed I missed you.”
Wes lets out a breath. “I didn’t want to wake you. Your mom said you’ve been having a rough week.”
Wes lifts the statement into a question, probing for information. He’s genuinely worried about this girl. I suddenly wonder if she’s his girlfriend. He clearly cares about her. Maybe that’s why everyone in the cancer ward knows him. Because he comes to visit his dying girlfriend like a faithful, loving, devoted boyfriend should. The thought endears me to him and leaves a sick feeling in my stomach at the same time.
When Rosie closes her eyes and nods, Wes takes a deep breath and forces some cheer into his voice. “Well,” he says, “Nurse Wes is on the job now, and I’m going to have you feeling better in no time.”
I stifle a smile, but Rosie giggles freely. “Nurse Wes?”
“I’m in the scrubs, aren’t I?”
Rosie looks him over again in his hospital uniform, and another blush spreads across her cheeks. “Yeah, you are.”
Wes smiles. “That makes it official, then. And as your nurse, our first order of business—you’re going to eat for me today.” Wes reaches over and plucks a small white paper from the bedside table and gives it a quick scan. “What do we have here? Looks like chicken and rice or the turkey sandwich.” When Rosie scrunches up her face, Wes flicks her on the end of her nose. “Don’t look at me like that. You need to eat, even if it makes you feel sick.”
He’s so sweet that my chest constricts just watching him. Now I can see the Wes I grew up with—the one that Spencer adored and admired. Why can he be like this with everyone except me? How could such a good guy hate me so much just for being his best friend’s girlfriend?
Before I really lose myself in misery, Rosie lets out a sigh. “I can’t. I’m fasting. I have to go do some scans in a little while.”
Wes’s smile vanishes. “Scans?”
Rosie’s eyes start to shine as she gazes up at him. “I got some test results back yesterday. It’s not good.”
“Oh, Rosie.” Wes wraps her up in a hug, and she clings to him. “Whatever it is, I’m here, okay?”
Rosie nods, letting a few tears escape onto his shoulder. I’m uncomfortable watching this, but I don’t want to draw attention to myself by stepping out of the room. Regina must feel the same way, because she shuffles her weight from one foot to the other and clears her throat to get Rosie and Wes’s attention.
Wes’s gaze drifts to her and then over to me as if he’s only just remembering I’m in the room. He quickly looks away, frowning. I can’t tell if he’s embarrassed or just annoyed that I’m here to get a glimpse into his mysterious personal life.
“Rosie, when do you have to go for your scans?” Regina asks.
“In about ten minutes.”
“Who’s taking you down?”
“Melinda.”
Regina nods her head at Wes. “Would you like Wes to go with you?”
Both Wes and Rosie glance up at Regina, surprised. Rosie’s eyes double in size. “Can he?”
Regina’s answering smile is proud. “Sure. He’s an intern now. Staff.” She taps her ID badge. Wes and I both received our own on our first day. “Escorting patients is part of his job. I’m sure Melinda won’t mind showing him the proper procedure.”
Rosie turns to Wes with a hopeful expression. “Will you go with me?”
“Of course I will.” He glances up at Regina again. “If it’s really okay. You don’t need me?”
Regina throws her arm over my shoulder. “I think Bailey and I can get lunch started on our own.”
Rosie’s head snaps in my direction. “Bailey?” She turns to Wes. “Spencer’s Bailey?”
I’m startled by this girl’s familiarity with me. As she studies me through narrowed eyes, I look to Wes for answers. “I talk about Spencer a lot,” he mutters. He can’t hold my gaze and looks away as he reaches up to rub the back of his neck. “It’s hard to tell a story about him that doesn’t include you.”
“More like impossible,” Rosie grumbles, shooting me a nasty look. Her sweet disposition has turned to barely concealed hostility. This girl does not like me. Not one bit. She takes note of my scrubs, and her jaw falls open. “She got an internship, too? You have to work together now?”
“Rosie, what the hell?” Wes mutters, glancing up at me with a floundering expression.
I stumble backward, feeling as if I’ve been steamrolled. I can only imagine the kinds of things he’s said about me to make a total stranger hate me so much when she’s never even met me. I did not need this today. After the party last night and then the endless nightmares, I have no patience left. “Yup, that’s me,” I say to Rosie with a bitter smile. “The evil girl who stole Spencer from Wes and then got him killed. Thanks for reminding me.”
Wes’s face drains of all color, and he jumps to his feet. “Bay, wait—”
“Don’t call me that!” I can’t bear hearing my nickname from him. My eyes start to burn, and I whirl around to face Regina. “I’ll meet you outside.”
I hurry out of the room before anyone can respond and lean up against the wall. My eyes drift shut, and I do nothing but breathe deep, slow breaths until I can get a grip on my emotions.
“Bailey?” Regina stands next to me with her hand outstretched, as if she wants to touch me but isn’t sure she should.
I try to smile at her. “I’m sorry. That was so unprofessional of me. I promise it won’t happen again.”
“It’s okay. I don’t know what got into Rosie. She’s usually really cool. I’m sure she’s just stressed out about her tests today. It’s not looking good for her.”
“That makes me feel even worse about losing my temper.” I let out a heavy breath and scrub my face with my hands. “Maybe you were right about Wes and me. Maybe we shouldn’t work together. I obviously can’t deal with it.”
Regina sighs. “Wes’s going with Melinda to take Rosie for her scans—I’m sure she won’t mind keeping him for the rest of the day—but I don’t think you need to be separated permanently.”
She laughs at the disbelieving look on my face. “You’re obviously dealing with something big right now. You had a bad night, and I’m sure what happened in there is not normal for you.”
“It’s not,” I promise. I’m still horrified by the outburst. I snapped at a dying girl.
She smiles again. “I don’t know what’s going on between you and Wes. He’s being uncharacteristically tight-lipped about it.”
My jaw drops in dread. “You asked him about me?”
“After that first encounter? Are you kidding?” She laughs, shrugging shamelessly. “How could I not? I’ve never seen Wes act like that before. I think everyone on the entire floor has tried to get the secret out of him, but he’s not talking. Not for anything.”
I blanch. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I’ll never be able to face anyone here at the hospital ever again.
“The only thing I do know about it,” Regina continues, ignoring my distress, “is that whatever the problem is, Wes is miserable over it. I can’t stand to see him sad about anything. He has enough to deal with. He doesn’t need to be beating himself up over you on top of it. Whatever is going on, you guys need to work it out, and that’s not going to happen if I split you up. Dr. Moscowitz brought you both here for a reason.”
I’m stunned all over again. “What does Dr. Moscowitz have to do with any of this?”
It’s Regina’s turn to be confused. She blinks at me and frowns. “He was the one who asked if he could have the two of you come here. He had to pull some major strings to get you guys here.”
I rear back a little. “That can’t be right. I know he recommended us for the internship program, but—”
Regina shakes her head. “There was no internship program through the school. The hospital created the positions just for you guys as a favor for Dr. Moscowitz.”
“They what?”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s not a problem. The hospital always needs volunteers. We’re all very happy to have you guys here. Dr. Moscowitz just didn’t think either of you would come if he simply asked you to, so he made everything official with your school to give you incentive. If you ask me, you both really lucked out. Volunteering is one thing, but receiving an official internship will look so much better on college applications. We’ll probably keep the program running after you both leave.”
I have to sit down. I fall back against the wall and slide to the floor as I process this information. “He set us up?” I blink up at Regina. “Dr. Moscowitz went through all that just to get Wes and me to spend time together?”
Regina grins as if she thinks the devious plan is the most ingenious thing she’s ever heard of. “That’s the latest gossip in the break room, anyway. And if it’s true—which is likely, considering we’ve never had high school interns here in the cancer center before—then it must be really important that you and Wes work out your issues.”
She gives me another brilliant smile and adds, “Take today to get through whatever it is you’re dealing with, but I’m not splitting the two of you up. You’re a big girl and Wes is a big boy. You guys can handle it.”
She gives me a minute to get over my shock and then holds out a hand. “Come on, lunch isn’t going to prepare itself.”
I let her pull me to my feet, and that’s the last we have of that conversation for the rest of the morning.