I race up to my room, so distraught that I stumble up the steps several times. As I pass the second floor, Julia’s and Charlotte’s voices call out to me from Julia’s bedroom. Slamming my bedroom door shut, I fall to my bed, burying my face in my pillow. I clutch my stuffed bear to my chest and my sobs hit all over again.
It only takes a second for my bedroom door to open. I don’t acknowledge Julia and Charlotte as they join me on my bed. Their presence, for some reason, only makes me cry harder.
Charlotte sits near my feet with her back against the wall, but Julia lies down next to me and curls herself around me. Her arms trap me in a tight hug, and she buries her face in the back of my neck. After a minute, Charlotte’s hand clasps onto my leg in an I’m-here-for-you-too gesture.
Neither girl speaks until my crying calms down. When I’m no longer openly sobbing and am more weeping softly from pure exhaustion, Julia starts stroking my hair the same way our mom has always done.
I roll over to face her, and she gives me a soft, encouraging smile as she continues to caress my hair, pushing strands away from my forehead and tucking them behind my ear. The simple affection is more than soothing; it feels like it’s healing my battered soul. It’s as if Julia, just being here for me while I hurt, is somehow mending the gaping hole in my heart.
Closing my eyes, I breathe in deeply and rest my forehead against hers. She gives me another good five minutes before she gently whispers, “Do you want to talk about it?”
I’ve never been one to open up to people about anything, but right now my sister feels safe. I open my eyes, see her loving ones staring back at me, and then look over my shoulder at Charlotte. She’s still sitting in the same spot, still resting her hand on my leg, supporting and comforting me with her presence and her physical touch. She smiles at me in the same gentle, sad, yet loving way Julia did, and I know I can trust her.
I sit up and scoot next to her, leaning against the wall and pulling my knees up to my chest. Julia joins us on the other side of me, and suddenly I just start talking. I spill everything. I start with that dreadful night last year that ended Spencer’s life and left both Wes and me damaged beyond repair. Then I explain to them how Spencer showed up. I don’t even hesitate. I don’t worry that they’ll think I’m crazy. Even if they don’t believe me, I know they won’t judge me. They care about me, love me, and I need to get this secret off my chest. I don’t want to deal with all of this by myself anymore.
I tell them everything. I talk and talk and talk. It’s the most therapeutic thing I’ve ever done in my life. And they listen. They don’t interrupt, don’t ask questions, don’t call me crazy. They just let me get it all out, and then we sit in silence again. Charlotte is the first to break it. There’s a smile in her voice when she says, “I knew he was in love with you.”
I choke on a startled laugh. “After everything I just told you, that’s what you focus on?”
Julia and Charlotte both giggle. “It seems the most relevant at the moment,” Charlotte says. “What you told us about Spencer is a little fantastical, but it sounds to me like he’s only here to help, and that he won’t be here much longer. So, whether he’s really appearing to you from the other side or he’s a figment of your imagination that you’ve created to help you get through this, either way, he’s all right in my book. The rest of the stuff you told us is in the past. There’s nothing to be done about everything that happened; you can only do something about the here and now, and girl, that’s Wes.”
I suck in a deep breath. “But can I forgive him? Can I love him after he admitted being relieved Spencer was gone because it meant he finally had a chance with me?”
Julia grabs my hand and quietly asks, “Do you blame him for Spencer’s death now that you know everything?”
My response is automatic and certain. “Of course not.”
“Do you think he’s a horrible person?”
I shake my head. Wes is the furthest thing from a horrible person there ever was. He’s kind, selfless, and caring. Watching him with Rosie and all the other patients in the hospital was proof of the type of man he’s becoming. He wants to become a doctor. He wants to try to save lives, not destroy them.
“We all have errant thoughts, Bailey,” Charlotte says, leaning her head on my shoulder. “We can’t help our feelings or our gut instincts. You said yourself he was sickened by those thoughts.”
“He was,” I murmur. “You should have seen the look on his face. He was disgusted with himself. I don’t think there’s a person in the world who hates themselves more than Wes.”
“Well, then,” Julia says, as if this is an open and shut case and the answer is obvious. I glance at her, and she offers another small smile. “I don’t think there’s anything to forgive. I think Wes was going through a very difficult time in his life, and he was coping the only way he knew how.” She looks at me then, with a serious gaze. “You know a little something about that, too, don’t you?”
After the last year of withdrawing from the world and hurting my friends and family in the process, yeah, I’d say I definitely understand. I’m not perfect any more than Wes, and I’m as much to blame for everything that happened that night as he is. I can’t be angry with him for any of that.
And Charlotte’s right about not being able to help your feelings. I was completely in love with Spencer. I was the happiest girl on the planet. And yet, when Wes kissed me, I couldn’t help the feelings it sparked in me. I hadn’t wanted those feelings, but I’d definitely felt them. What I’d done was actually worse than the feelings Wes had admitted to feeling after Spencer died, because I’d acted on my feelings. I’d kissed him back. I’d lost myself in the moment and enjoyed every second of that kiss, until I heard Spencer’s sharp intake of breath and reality caught up to me. Wes may have felt happy to finally have a chance with me because Spencer was out of the way, but he’d done all he could not to follow through on those feelings.
Julia is right, too. There’s nothing for me to forgive where Wes is concerned. I’m not mad at him. I’m not even upset by his feelings anymore. They were natural. He couldn’t help them.
I sigh as another weight is lifted off my chest. Both Charlotte and Julia recognize that I’ve found acceptance. “So what are you going to do?” Julia asks.
I shake my head, having no clue where to go from here.
Charlotte startles me with her next question. “Do you love him?”
“I…” My heart falters, missing a beat and then speeding up as if trying to make up the difference. “I don’t know. I guess I’ve always loved him, in a way. But it’s not like Spencer.”
Charlotte smiles patiently. “Of course it’s not like Spencer. Wes isn’t Spencer. Love is as individual as snowflakes. It’s all snow, but when you separate it and break it down, it’s unique. People are different, and you’re going to feel differently about each and every one. You’re going to love them differently. But just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s not love. It doesn’t make it not real.”
I like her analogy and wonder if she’s so insightful because she’s struggled with her own feelings. She must have had a hard time recognizing that she was different from most other girls. I can imagine she had to really sort through a lot of confusion and decide that just because she loved differently, it didn’t make her feelings any less real than straight people. “You’re right,” I whisper, feeling stronger simply by seeing her courage. “I do love him. It’s not the same as I love Spencer, but it’s love.”
Charlotte throws her arm over my shoulder and gives me a gentle hug. “Then I guess it’s settled.”
“What is?”
“I’m going to have to come all the way out of the closet.”
“What?”
Charlotte laughs at my confusion. “Yuri asked Julia to homecoming, and now you’re going to have to go with Wes, and I am not going stag alone. So it looks like Raquel is going to have to buy a dress before Saturday.” She grins. “Not that she’s going to complain about that.”
“Wait.” My heart is doing that erratic beating thing again. I can feel my panic returning. “I don’t know about that. I mean, admitting how I feel about Wes is one thing, but I don’t think I can do anything about it.”
“What? Why?” Julia frowns, as if I’m the biggest idiot she’s ever met. The look makes me laugh—this is the side of my little sister I’m used to.
“It’s just complicated.” More like terrifying. “Wes and I…we have too much history. Too much baggage. You didn’t see him the other day. It’s like it hurts him to be near me. I don’t know that we could ever put everything behind us enough to have a functional relationship.”
“You won’t know if you don’t try,” Charlotte insists.
I shake my head emphatically, still fighting the surge of fear that a relationship with Wes instills in me. “I don’t think so, you guys. I’m just not ready for that.”
They both sigh. “Well, I’ll make Raquel buy a dress anyway. Just in case. And considering she only has a couple of days, I should probably go make that call now.” She gives me another hug. “You okay? I won’t go if you still need the company.”
My heart softens even more toward this amazing girl and her rare friendship. How I got so lucky to find her and fix things with my sister, I’ll never know. Maybe God really is looking out for me. He did send me Spencer, after all. “I’m okay now,” I promise, giving her a big hug. I squeeze Julia next. “Thank you, guys, for listening and not thinking I’m completely crazy.”
“Oh, no, we think you’re totally nuts,” Julia teases. “But we love you anyway.”
Laughing, I push her away, nearly knocking her off the bed. She gets up with a stretch and pats her stomach. “I’ll walk you out, Charlotte. After all that girl talk, I’m in need of some chocolate, and I think there’s still a few chocolate chip cookies left from the batch Mom made yesterday.” She grins at me. “You want to ruin your dinner with me?”
I shake my head with a laugh. After everything, I’m more ready for a little peace and quiet. “Actually, I think I want to play for a while.” I pick up my violin case. “I’ve neglected this poor thing too much over the last year.”
“Your loss. I’m not saving you any cookies.”
“That’s assuming there’s any left for you after I eat them all,” Charlotte teases her, and then dashes out of the room.
They’re laughing and shrieking as they race down the stairs. I grin widely and shake my head as I check to see if my violin is in tune. It’s good to hear laughter in the house again, and I’m glad Charlotte has befriended Julia as much as me. Julia has needed the TLC as much as I have lately. Sharing a friend and being able to hang out together more often will be good for us.
I’m still smiling as I pull my bow across the strings, and it’s like my good mood is magic for my playing. I start with a few of my favorites and then progress into one of the harder pieces I’d been learning before Spencer’s accident when I quit my private lessons. The song is challenging, but I find I love the struggle. That itch to master the notes hits me with full force, and I begin the piece again with determination I’ve never had before. It’s not perfect, but I get through the song with only a few fudged spots. My chest burns with pride and relief. It’s been a year since I’ve really poured my soul into my playing. I’m definitely a little rusty, but I haven’t lost my knack for it, or my love, either.
“You are truly amazing, Bailey Atkinson,” Spencer says with a lovesick sigh. I turn to see him lying on my bed, grinning at me. “An angel sent from God to bless this world with your musical genius.”
“You’re calling me an angel sent from God? You’re the one who is literally on leave from heaven right now.”
His grin grows so wide it looks painful, and I laugh at his goofiness. I join him on the bed, sitting against the wall with my legs crossed, and elbow him when he moves to sit next to me even though I know he won’t feel it. “What’s the matter?” I tease. “Didn’t want to stalk me from the tree house this time?”
Spencer flashes me a wicked smile and wriggles his eyebrows. “No need. This whole spirit thing lets me be a creeper from right here in your room without you ever knowing I’m here. I’ve been listening to you for an hour.”
If it wasn’t Spencer and I didn’t know for certain that he’s not really a creepy stalker, I’d be freaked out by that. But he’s teasing, so I roll my eyes and say, “You better not have spied on me in the shower, mister, or you’re a dead man when I get to heaven. Well, a deader one.”
Spencer snorts but then cuts me a sideways glance and sighs. “Oh, I wanted to, but it’s against the rules. I’d have been booted back to the afterlife in a second.”
His expression is so forlorn that I burst into laughter. “Pervert. Creepy stalker perv.”
My taunt only makes him puff up his chest and smile proudly. “Only when it comes to you, baby.” He winks.
I don’t want to encourage him, but I can’t stop myself from laughing again. We giggle together, and when the laughter dies, Spencer sighs sadly. “I heard your conversation.”
“With Julia and Charlotte?” I ask, surprised. “You were here?”
He gives me a sad smile. “I’ve been with you pretty much the entire time since I got here. I just like to stay in the background when I can. I don’t like to interfere too much.”
I snort softly. “Unless it’s an opportunity to make me look crazy in front of people.”
He shrugs sheepishly. “Sorry. But yes, I was here while you were talking to Julia and Charlotte…and I was at the hospital with you and Wes.”
I let that sink in. I’m not sure how I feel about it.
“It wasn’t your fault, Bailey.”
I pinch my eyes shut as a sudden pain assaults my chest.
“It wasn’t Wes’s fault, either.”
My eyes are still shut. I can’t seem to open them and make myself look at him. When I shake my head, he speaks again, sounding more serious than I think I’ve ever heard him.
“I chose to drink that night. I chose to drive. Those were my decisions—my selfish choices—that I made of my own accord. You and Wes have got to stop blaming yourselves. No one is responsible for what happened to me except me. Believe me, I know. I got quite the lecture when I reached the other side.”
I finally look up, startled, and he shoots me another wink. I can’t tell if it’s an I-was-just-teasing wink or if it’s an it’s-okay-I-deserved-it wink. After he’s gone, I’m going to have a lot of soul-searching to do where God, heaven, and the afterlife are concerned, but for now, I’m just grateful that he was able to come back, even for a brief time.
I get where he’s coming from with the taking-the-blame thing, but I’m not ready to place it all on him. “We still hurt you,” I mutter. My eyes mist over. “We didn’t mean to. You have no idea how sorry we are.”
“Yes, I do,” he whispers. When I meet his eyes, he gives me a soft smile. He lifts his hand and brushes it alongside my face. I’m not sure who wishes we could feel the touch more. “I know exactly how sorry you both are. I’ve watched you both self-destruct for the last year from your guilt. Why do you think I was so desperate to come back for you?”
“For me?” I gasp. “I thought you came back for Wes.”
He looks at me like I’m insane. It’s actually very close to the look Julia gave me a little while ago.
“That time capsule,” I insist. “Making me take the internship. The zoo suggestion—which I still don’t get—those were all for Wes.”
“Were they?” Spencer challenges.
I know I’m missing something, but I don’t understand what he’s trying to tell me. He waits for me to put the pieces together, and when I don’t, he chuckles. “Bay, you were both my unfinished business. I destroyed both of your lives with my terrible choices.”
“Then why—”
“Because you need Wes, and Wes needs the green light.”
Realization hits me hard. “You were setting us up this whole time?”
Spencer gives me another proud smile. “Coming up with the idea for the internship and planting the thoughts in Dr. Moscowitz’s head was one of my more genius accomplishments, if I do say so myself.”
My jaw falls to my lap. “ARE YOU SERIOUS? THAT WAS YOU?”
Spencer laughs, but it quickly morphs into another sigh. “I can’t be there for you anymore,” he says. “We had two of the most amazing years together—a relationship of legends—but it wasn’t meant to be for us.”
My throat closes up, and I choke out his name. “Spence…”
He smiles. “You have a long life ahead of you. Please don’t spend it sad and alone and pining after me.” His smile falls crooked. “It’ll make me feel really guilty when I start dating all those hot angel babes in heaven.”
I bark out a slightly hysterical, incredulous laugh, and a few tears escape me. “Spencer, if anyone deserves a hot angel babe for eternity, it’s you.”
“And you deserve Wes,” he counters.
I try to breathe evenly, even though my heart is suddenly pounding.
“Give him a chance, Bailey. He needs you as much as you need him. You’ll be really good for each other. I know you will.”
“But I love you,” I say stubbornly.
“You love him, too.”
I know I’d already admitted this to myself, but having Spencer say it makes all of my guilt come back.
As if he can read my mind, Spencer shakes his head and smiles. “It’s okay for you to love us both. It’s okay for you to move on. Keep me in your memory, but make room in your heart for him. I want you guys to be happy.”
“Are you giving me the green light?” I ask wryly.
Spencer laughs. “The green light. My blessing. My heart…” He sighs. “I’m going to miss you.”
My stomach rolls. I know where this is leading. “You have to go now, don’t you?”
He nods. “It’s time. I’ve done all I can here, and you need to move on. You can’t do that if I’m still hanging around.”
I want to be strong, but a couple of tears fall down my cheeks. “I’m going to miss you, too. Thanks for coming back.”
“Thanks for believing me and helping me once I got here.”
As if I’d ever deny him anything. “Will you be okay now? When you go back, I mean? Are you going to be able to rest peacefully or whatever?”
His answering smile is small but sincere. “Don’t worry about me. I got what I needed from this. And hey, I met Rosie. She’s a pretty cool chick.” He grins at the look of shock on my face. “She’s a redhead.”
Laughing again, I shut my eyes and take a deep breath as I try to get control of my tears. “That’s good, Spence. Tell her hi for Wes and me.”
“I will.”
We fall quiet, and I feel time bearing down on us. I know this is it. He’s going to leave any moment, and I’m never going to see him again. My stomach is sick at the thought of saying good-bye, but I feel a strange sense of peace wash through me, and I know things are going to be okay. This is right. It’s how it’s supposed to be. And it’s more closure than I ever dreamed I’d get.
“If this is it,” I ask, “does that mean you’re going to turn solid and kiss me one last time?”
Spencer sucks in a breath and pierces me with a longing look. He lets the air out of his lungs and slowly shakes his head. “I think that only happens in the movies.”
That’s probably for the best. I don’t think I’d ever be satisfied with just one more kiss. Feeling his lips on mine one more time would only make this harder. Impossible, even. I nod in understanding and hold up my hand to him instead. His face softens as he lifts his palm to mine. Neither of us feels the touch, but the connection is there anyway. “I love you, Bay.”
“I love you, too, Spencer.”
I meet his eyes, and he gives me one last smile before fading out of existence. “Bye,” I whisper to the empty air. He’s not here, but I have a feeling he still heard me.