Chapter 12

Sunday

I tightened my grip on James' hand.

The wand swept across my stomach once again. Dr. Nelson shifted in his seat and leaned closer to the monitor.

I looked up at James.

He gave me a tight smile. No fake optimism. No promise that everything was okay.

The silence was unnerving. Where were my son's heartbeats? Where was that tiny thudding noise that put a smile on my face? If I gripped James' hand any tighter my nails would surely have drawn blood. Would he notice? Would either of us notice a pain greater than this silence ever again?

I looked back at the monitor and counted my own heartbeats echoing in my ears. Could they beat for him? Please, please, baby boy. Please be okay.

Silence.

It felt like my whole world was slipping away. He was healthy. How could he just...stop? I felt the trickle of a tear run down my cheek. Now I was begging for his kicks. Begging for any sign that his tiny heart hadn't given out. Please.

"Oh, there we are," Dr. Nelson said.

I breathed out a sigh of relief and let my head flop down onto the pillow.

James placed a kiss on the back of my hand.

"A nice steady heartbeat. The baby is fine." He removed the wand from my stomach and handed me a towel to wipe off the jelly-like substance left behind.

"So he's okay?" I asked.

The doctor nodded. "You're both perfectly healthy."

"The nurse that came in said her heart rate and blood pressure were elevated. She mentioned that Penny might need medication for that."

"Well, that nurse was mistaken. Any medication we put her on would be dangerous for the baby. Everything is fine."

The word fine was starting to sound jarring to my ears.

"Dangerous for the baby, but how dangerous is this condition for my wife without treatment?"

Dr. Nelson looked down at his clipboard. "You're still taking those vitamins I gave you, right Penny?"

I nodded.

"I think that's enough. But let's double the dose every day just to be safe."

"You think?" James released my hand. "Can I please have a word with you in the hall?"

"Very well." The doctor took his clipboard and tucked it into his side. "I think maybe I issued bed rest prematurely. Go out and get your mind off everything, Penny. Sitting around thinking about it isn't helping anyone." He lightly patted my shin. His hand was so cold that it made me shiver. That was one of the things I disliked about Dr. Nelson. His hands were always freezing. And he always wore black scrubs instead of the pale pastel colors all the other hospital staff wore. I had been thinking about that Harry Potter movie that had scared Scarlett so much that Dr. Nelson was actually starting to resemble Professor Snape. And it wasn't just the black scrubs. It was the long gray hair that was always slightly messy looking. And the prominent nose. He really did look like an older version of the actor that played Professor Snape. I almost laughed out loud, envisioning him in a robe instead of scrubs. For some reason, it made me miss Dr. Jones. And his warm hands. And kind smile. And blue scrubs.

I shook the thought away. Dr. Nelson was great. I shouldn't have compared him to my last OB-GYN. Besides, I couldn't go back to Dr. Jones. He was retired. And James was thinking of suing him. God, I really hoped he didn't go through with that.

I watched the two of them walk out into the hall. As soon as the door closed, I could hear their heated exchange through the thin walls of the hospital room. I climbed out of the bed and started getting dressed, trying to ignore their words, but I couldn't.

"She said she had chest pains," James said.

"Which is ridiculous. You can't feel a heart murmur getting worse."

"Getting worse? Who said anything about it getting worse? Is the leak growing?"

"Mr. Hunter, it isn't getting worse. It would still be classified as moderate. I just meant that the condition can't be physically felt."

"Are you calling my wife a liar?"

"No, I didn't..."

"If she said her heart is hurting, then her fucking heart is hurting."

"And I just told you that such a thing is theoretically impossible."

"So you are calling her a liar."

"I'm just saying that bored housewives sometimes need attention!" Dr. Nelson snapped.

I bit the inside of my lip. Bored housewife? I smoothed my dress back into place. I actually had thought that the pain was in my head. It had only started after I was aware of my heart murmur. Was I really going crazy? I placed my hand on the center of my chest. So why did it hurt right now? I grabbed my purse off my chair. Bored housewife. Dr. Nelson's words echoed around in my head. I wasn't sure any combination of words had stung so badly. And it wasn't true. I was a wife and a mother and an author.

The taste of blood filled my mouth. I had bit the inside of my lip so hard that I had pierced the skin. Bored housewife. That's what people saw when they looked at me. It was basically what Jen had said to me just a few hours earlier today. What else was I going to do with my time if I didn't hang out with them? Well, I had things to do. I surely had new rejection letters to open. And agents turning me down via email. Fuck Dr. Nelson. And fuck everyone else too. Bored housewife my ass. I wasn't some young trophy wife like the tabloids claimed. Clearly. People who got rejected as much as me weren't trophies.

I pushed the door open and almost ran right into James. I could almost feel the heat radiating off of him from the way he was fuming.

Dr. Nelson plastered a smile on his face and turned to me. "Just keep taking the vitamins, Mrs. Hunter, and the rest of your pregnancy will go smoothly." He glanced at his watch. "Now, I have a tee time I need to get to. Good day to you both." He nodded curtly and walked away.

"Great. Everything is fine." I cringed at my use of the word fine.

"I'm going to make another appointment with the cardiologist," James said and reached for his cell phone in his pocket.

I grabbed his arm to stop him. "Really, James. It was just a false alarm. I'm sorry about ruining your afternoon."

"Ruining my afternoon?" He ran his hand through his hair. "You're not ruining anything. Your chest hurts. We're going to go see someone who will listen."

I felt the pain. I truly did. But that didn't mean that my mind wasn't somehow causing it to happen. If I thought about it enough, of course it would hurt. In the back of my head I knew that Dr. Nelson was right.

"Does it hurt right now?"

Yes. Maybe if I ignored it, the pain would go away. "James, the baby is okay. That's all that matters."

He lowered his eyebrows. "I didn't ask if the baby was okay. I'm asking about how you feel."

"I think Dr. Nelson is right. I'm thinking about it too much."

"God, don't listen to that prick." James lifted his cell to his ear and turned from me. "Yes I need to make an appointment for my wife."

"James." I put my hand on his bicep. "I don't think that's necessary." He shrugged away from my grip.

"She's been having chest pains," he said into the phone.

"James." He was being exasperating.

He put his hand over the receiver and turned toward me. "Penny, does your chest still hurt or not?"

I wasn't going to lie to him. "Yes, it hurts."

He gave me that stern look that always seemed to silence me and continued his conversation on the phone.

I tuned out his harsh words and leaned against the wall. I felt bad for the person on the other end of the line. The tone he was using could make someone feel like ice. I put my hands on my stomach and took a long, slow breath. We're okay.

When James was done on the phone, he turned back to me. "They couldn't fit you in for an appointment until Wednesday. I'll make a few calls and find someone a little more accommodating."

"Dr. Wells is the best cardiologist in the city. It's why we saw him in the first place. If he thinks this issue can wait until Wednesday, I'm sure it can."

"He told us that we should go to the ER in the meantime."

"And we did." I gestured to our surroundings. "Now we can wait until Wednesday."

"I don't..."

"Please, James. I'm tired. I just want to go home." I hated this hospital. Being here reminded me of when James was hurt. It reminded me of the feeling of almost losing him. The sterile smell in the air put a picture of Isabella in my mind. Her cold stare. Her taunting words. The gun in her hand. I swallowed down the lump in my throat.

James pressed his lips together, like he had something to say but was holding himself back.

I looked up into his brown eyes. "Please."

Something in his eyes seemed to soften. He nodded and wrapped his arm behind my back. We slowly walked out of the hospital and into the sunshine.

For the first time this summer, I was happy for the heat. It was the only thing that could take the cold feeling of the hospital out of my bones.