Chapter 8

Saturday

Scarlett's head was resting on my lap as the party drew to a close. She had fallen asleep over an hour ago, but whenever I'd try to carry her to bed, she'd gotten those really big puppy dog eyes and said she didn't want to miss out on anything. How could I deny her? Especially when I was tired anyway. A little nap before bed sounded heavenly. Besides, Daphne and Sophie were already curled up on the couch. And it was way past my bedtime.

Right when I was about to drift off to sleep, hushed voices startled me awake. I was about to slip out from underneath of Scarlett's head to join the conversation when I picked up on a small piece of the discussion.

"I have every mind to sue him," James said. "It has to be malpractice."

"I'm sure you could sue him if you wanted to," Rob said calmly.

James sighed. "Spit it out. I know that there's a but coming."

I looked down at my daughter. She was still sleeping peacefully. And so were Daphne and Sophie. James and Rob thought I was asleep too. Or I was certain they wouldn't be talking about this. I should have gone into the kitchen and joined their discussion. I should have at least let them know I was awake. But instead, I closed my eyes and stayed perfectly still.

"I was looking it up the other day," Rob said. "Pregnant women get heart murmurs all the time. Something about extra blood flow or something. They usually go away after the birth."

"Yeah, I know. And if that was the case it'd be fine. The cardiologist we went to for a second opinion said she'd eventually need surgery, though. That if it got any worse she'd need medical intervention if she wanted to live a long life."

"Shit."

They were both silent for a moment. Yeah. Shit. That was the best way to describe it. I ran my palm along my stomach. The doctor had said that extra stress on my heart would make it worse. That maybe I'd had a mild heart murmur my whole life that went undetected. But that my pregnancy made it worse. That my heart was beating faster and working harder to make up for the leak. And that the wear and tear were now irreversible.

"Suing him won't help, though," Rob said. "Him losing his license won't mean anything."

Of course it would mean something. Dr. Nelson would lose his job. He had a family. This conversation was ridiculous. James could not blame an OB-GYN for not finding my heart murmur. That wasn't his specialty. Maybe he could freak out if our son had a heart murmur and he didn't find it. But this wasn't Dr. Nelson's fault.

"What am I supposed to do? Sit here and continue to blame myself? I can't...I can't do that. I'm going fucking insane." James was quiet for a moment. "I brought up the idea of having another kid. It's my fault. If she dies, it's my fault. That baby effectively turned her into a ticking time bomb."

I swallowed hard. No, James shouldn't blame Dr. Nelson. He shouldn't blame himself. But he most certainly shouldn't blame our baby. Our son was good and pure and perfect. I quietly slipped out from underneath Scarlett's head. She moaned peacefully in her sleep.

James and Rob both turned toward me when I entered the kitchen. James looked guilty, like he knew he had been caught talking about me behind my back again. But Rob plastered a smile on his face.

Yup, I was right about Rob. He was great at keeping secrets when he needed to be. "Cut the crap, Rob. I know you two were talking about me. James, you can't sue Dr. Nelson," I said and turned to him. "And you can't blame yourself for wanting another kid. I wanted another kid too. If you hadn't brought it up, I would have soon. And you most certainly can't blame our beautiful baby."

"I'm not blaming any of them."

"What? You just said you were going to sue Dr. Nelson."

"No one said anything about Dr. Nelson. I want to sue Dr. Jones."

"My last OB-GYN? Why on earth would you sue him?" James' brilliant plan was to sue the doctor that delivered Scarlett. Flawlessly. A retired doctor with one of the highest successful delivery rates in the state. The practice that Dr. Jones started was still the most prestigious one in the city. The only reason I had gone to a new OB-GYN from a different practice was because after Dr. Jones retired, Dr. Nelson was the best doctor left in New York. The two had even had the same graduate and post-doctorate training. What was James thinking? He'd never win that lawsuit. Truly, he'd never win a lawsuit against either of them.

"Because apparently Dr. Jones had notes about you developing a heart murmur while you were pregnant with Scarlett. And he didn't tell us. The only reason I even know about it is because it was in the health records I requested from Dr. Nelson so I could look at everything for myself."

"What do you mean?" There was no way that Dr. Jones knew. He would have told us. I shook my head. That didn't make any sense.

"That's why Dr. Nelson didn't deliver the news with any tact. He thought we were already aware of the risk. He probably thought we were being incredibly irresponsible. If Dr. Jones had told us about it in the first place, you'd still be healthy. We could have seen a cardiologist sooner and discussed the risks of getting pregnant again. None of this would have ever happened. Your heart murmur would still be mild. You'd still be healthy."

I put my hand on my stomach. "None of this would have happened? Are you saying you regret getting pregnant again?"

"That's not..." his voice trailed off as his eyes landed on my belly. "I'm saying that if we knew ahead of time, we never would have tried for another kid. It's just making it worse."

"It? It? Are you serious right now?" My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. I wanted to slap him, but my body was frozen. How could he say that about our son? How dare he?

Rob cleared his throat. "Tread lightly, man. You don't want to upset a pregnant woman. Hormones and everything."

I was going to kill both of them. "Do you regret having Scarlett too? For possibly giving me the heart murmur in the first place?"

"I never said..."

"How could you?" I was having trouble keeping my voice low. Scarlett was sleeping in the next room. We still had company over. But I couldn't seem to control myself. And the thought that Rob was right and that my hormones were taking over made me even madder. Screw both of them.

"I didn't..."

"You're lucky that our couch is comfortable. Because you're going to be sleeping on it." I stormed out of the room and almost ran straight into Daphne.

"Is everything okay in here? You're going to wake the girls."

"Everything is fine minus the fact that we're married to assholes."

Daphne laughed.

"Daphne, you're supposed to be on my side."

"I have no idea what the three of you are arguing about. But if you ask me, they look very sorry." She looped her arm through mine and made me turn around.

Rob had his bottom lip out like he was the saddest man on earth. James, on the other hand, was just staring at me with an expression I was all too familiar with. Those same sad big brown eyes that Scarlett flashed me whenever she was upset. Everyone said that Scarlett looked exactly like me. But I knew better. Those damn eyes. The eyes I could never say no to. He looked so dejected. And he should have been. He had said he never wanted our son. What was he expecting me to say? That I wanted to turn back time and never get pregnant? I loved our son with every ounce of my being. I was, after all, risking my life for his. I was aware of that. I wasn't an idiot.

"Well, maybe you can take both of them home with you tonight. I want nothing to do with them." I walked past Daphne into the living room and scooped Scarlett up into my arms. God, my baby girl was getting so heavy. I ignored the fact that she was definitely over the weight limit of things I was allowed to lift now. I carried her up the stairs without looking back.

James could sue whoever he wanted. I didn't care what he did with our money. Honestly, I couldn't care less. But he couldn't say he didn't want our son. Or Scarlett. I kicked the door shut with my foot. It slammed hard, waking Scarlett.

"Mommy, where's Daddy?" she said and yawned.

"You and I are having a slumber party tonight." I kissed her forehead and tucked her into the bed where James usually slept. I couldn't sleep alone tonight. And I didn't want James climbing into the bed in a minute saying he was sorry. I wasn't ready to forgive him yet.

"Slumber party? What is slumber?" She curled up to me as soon as I climbed into bed.

"It means to sleep. It's where best friends spend the night. And have fun hanging out."

"Best friends?"

"The people you want to spend the most time with in the whole wide world. Because you're happiest when you're together."

"You're my best friend, Mommy." She grabbed my hand and held it to her chest like she was hugging one of her stuffed animals.

Tears pooled in my eyes. That had to be the sweetest thing she had ever said to me.

"You're my best friend too, baby girl." I kissed her forehead. "Now get some sleep."

She sighed lightly and her eyelids drooped shut again.

I watched her drift asleep in just a few seconds. She was so energetic all day. But as soon as her head hit a pillow, she was always out cold. Maybe when you had no worries in the world, sleep came easily. I hadn't been sleeping well ever since Dr. Nelson had delivered the news. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he had been rather tactless, just like James had said. None of it mattered, though. I didn't regret getting pregnant again for a second.

I felt a sharp kick in my ribs.

I'm on your side, baby boy.

He kicked me again.

Ow. I winced. Every day he was getting stronger. It wasn't like I wasn't aware of what was happening. Because every day I felt just a tiny bit weaker. It terrified me. But I was not angry at him. How could I possibly be angry at him?

 

***

 

"Baby?"

I slowly opened my eyes. The most handsome face in the world was just a few inches from mine. With those sad brown eyes. I had put the sadness there. The thought made my chest ache. Why couldn't I have a normal conversation with him? One where one of us didn't end up getting upset. Did my hormones really make me that insane? I felt like I had an anger hangover. I blinked, helping the room come into better focus. He was kneeling on the ground next to the bed. He was literally on his knees begging for forgiveness, when it should have been me groveling. "James, I'm so sorry."

He put his index finger against my lips. "You and Scarlett are my whole world. There's not a day that goes by that I don't realize how blessed my life is. My life revolves around my girls."

"James..."

"And I do not, for one second, wish anything had gone any differently. But I can't pretend that I'm not..." his voice trailed off, like he was searching for the right word.

"Scared?" I stared into his eyes. James always had trouble admitting his weaknesses. I knew how hard that was. How vulnerable he felt.

He nodded. "I'm utterly terrified."

"I'm scared too. And I'm sorry I freaked out. I just can't believe you said you wished we never got pregnant."

"I never said that." He shook his head. "I said if we had known, we probably would have done things differently. But we didn't know. And now this baby is a part of our lives. I don't regret that. I'm sorry if I made you feel any differently. I was upset, but I do love this baby. I love every piece of you." He put his hand on my stomach. "And now I feel like I need to ask our baby for forgiveness too."

He pushed the sheets off of me and put both his hands on my stomach. "Hey, beautiful girl," he whispered.

"Boy."

James looked up at me. "I'm trying to have a private conversation."

I smiled. "By all means, please continue."

"Hey, beautiful girl," he said again.

I shook my head and stared down at the side of his face.

"I love you," he whispered. "With all my heart. I know you already know that." He kissed my belly. "But I need to ask you a favor. Please calm down with the kicking. You're hurting your mother."

I laughed.

James kissed my stomach again. "I can't wait to meet you," he said and ran his hand across my stomach. He looked up at me again. "Do you forgive me?"

"I'd already forgiven you." I reached down and ran my fingers along the scruff on his jaw line. "Do you forgive me?"

"I was never upset with you. Maybe I'll be a little upset if you really do force me to sleep on the couch though. May I come to bed now?"

I patted the bed beside me. He climbed up and wrapped his arm around me.

"She's the best thing we ever did." He reached behind me and pushed a strand of Scarlett's hair off her face.

"Yes. She is. And just think." My eyes wandered back up to his face. "If I had been a second earlier to that door in the coffee shop, you never would have run into me. We never would have started dating. We never would have had that beautiful little girl. Everything happens for a reason, James. And we're going to get through whatever happens next together. I promise."

Something flashed across his eyes. Pain maybe. It was too fast for me to be able to read him.

"I told you I didn't want to change a thing," he said. He put his hand on the side of my face and took a deep breath, like he was breathing me in. "But if you think me hitting you with that door was our only chance at starting this, you're crazy." A playful smile formed on his face. "I thought you were a believer in fate?"

"That doesn't mean I don't realize how lucky we are."

"Hmm." He shifted even closer to me. "Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be this lucky."