Chapter 39

Monday

"We're going home," I said and pulled Scarlett off the floor where she was coloring.

"Is Mommy going to be at home?"

"No, pumpkin."

"But I want Mommy."

"I can go fetch whatever you need," Ellen said and bustled over to us. "Let me be of some use."

"No, that's okay. Scarlett's tired. I'm taking her home."

"I'm not tired, Daddy."

"We'll be back later," I said to everyone without looking at them.

"No! I want Mommy!" She squirmed out of my grip and plopped back down on the floor with her arms folded across her chest.

"We're leaving," I said more sternly.

"I want my Mommy!" She started crying. "Where's Mommy?"

Rob and Daphne were staring at me. My dad was staring at me. Penny's parents were staring at me. I took a step back. I couldn't do this. I couldn't comfort them. I was barely holding on.

Twitch.

I turned around and pushed through the doors to the stairs.

"James!" Rob called after me.

I started running.

Twitch.

God, I needed something to hold on to.

With each step, I knew I should turn around. I knew everything that mattered was back in that hospital. But for some reason, I couldn't hold on to my family and friends. I needed air. I tried to breathe in the stale air of the city, but it was stifling.

 

***

 

"How is she?" Porter asked as soon as I stepped out of the elevator in our apartment building.

"I need you to bring me the surveillance footage from when I was away."

"Okay. But, James, how is she?"

Could I trust him?

Twitch.

No. Someone had poisoned my wife. I had no idea who it was. "She's on life support."

Porter pressed his lips together and shook his head. "And what about the baby?"

What about the baby? That baby was part of the reason why my wife was lying in the hospital unresponsive. "Just get me the footage." I brushed past him and opened the door to our apartment.

I closed my eyes as soon as the door closed and breathed in the smell of our home. I could imagine Penny lifting her head from the book she was reading in the kitchen. A smile spreading over her face as she dropped it on the counter. Me pushing her back, taking her against the granite.

My eyes flashed open and I quickly walked through the foyer, kitchen, and hall. I pushed open the door to her office and closed my eyes again. It smelled more like her than the rest of the house. It was almost like she was here with me. The memory came in a flash.

 

"James, I'm writing," Penny said and tried to swat me away.

I continued to kiss the side of her neck. I knew exactly what she had been writing about. I had been reading every word in the other room. She was writing about me fucking her against a tree in the middle of the golf course. It made me hard just thinking about it.

She hadn't started to show yet, pregnant with our second child. Her hair was in a knot on the top of her head and she was biting her lip as she concentrated. So fucking beautiful. I kissed the side of her neck again.

"James, I need to focus. I've barely written a thing today. And Scar will be home soon."

All of that was true. But she had just written about my cock fucking her sweet pussy. And reading about it didn't do it justice. I needed to feel her. I wanted to reminisce too.

"Baby, I'm so fucking hard for you."

She laughed. "Can't you wait a few hours until we've put Scarlett to sleep?"

I ran my hand down the front of her tank top and hooked my fingers around her waistband.

She tried to slap me away again.

"Baby, I don't want to wait." I moved my hand lower, brushing my fingers against her clit. "And it doesn't really feel like you want to either."

She moaned.

"What exactly are you writing about? You're so fucking wet." I bit her earlobe.

"James."

I slid a finger inside of her.

"Fine, you win." She tilted her head back and gave me that smile that always seemed to stop my heart. "Scar's going to be home any minute, though. You better get busy."

I laughed. "I'm five seconds ahead of you." I pushed the papers off her desk, grabbed her waist, and placed her on top of the desk. I pulled her shorts and thong down to her knees, not bothering to drag them all the way off, and thrust inside of her.

"God!" She spread her legs and leaned back slightly, knowing perfectly well what angle I liked best.

I reached my hand under her tank-top, pushed aside her bra, and grabbed a handful of her perky breast. "Baby, you have no idea what you do to me."

She wrapped her legs around my waist, pulling me closer. "I think I have some idea."

I pinched her nipple and she moaned again. I had been in the mood to fuck her. But now that I was buried to the hilt, I wished we had more time. I wanted to kiss every inch of her. I wanted to show her how much I loved her.

I groaned as she tightened around me.

"I love you," she whispered, as if she could sense my change of mood.

I leaned down and kissed her.

She ran her fingernails down the back of my neck, deepening the kiss.

I wanted to freeze time.

But I knew that wasn't possible. Time seemed to be speeding by. Our daughter was already two. But I could make this moment a little more memorable. I lifted Penny off the desk, carried her over to the wall, and pressed her back against it.

And I fucked her. Just like I had against that tree on that golf course so many years ago. Just like I had when we were first falling for each other. Back when we were wrong. Back when nothing we did made sense.

"James!"

"I love you, baby." Time changed us. It brought us closer together. We were a family now.

"I love you too," she said against my lips.

I grabbed her perfect ass firmly in my hands and slammed into her hard.

She screamed my name again as she came.

And I relished the feeling of her tightening around me. The feeling of being whole. The feeling that I knew was love. I exploded inside of her, a slew of curses leaving my lips. "Fuck, Penny."

She laughed, tightening around me again.

"God, you know how much I like when you do that."

"What?" she asked innocently, running her fingers through my hair.

"This," I said and tickled her side.

She squealed, trying to wiggle out of my grip, but I was still buried inside of her. And I had no intention of moving.

"We need to get dressed," she protested through her laughter.

"Or we could just stay like this." I dropped my fingers from her skin, knowing she was right. We were running out of time.

She sighed and pressed her forehead against mine. "James Hunter, you're impossible. Our daughter is going to run in here and see you with your pants around your ankles."

"She's three. She'll forget."

"Time is flying by too fast."

I gently eased her off the wall and placed her on her feet. "Then let's make sure to steal more moments like this."

She smiled. "Promise?"

"I promise."

 

I opened my eyes and stared at the empty chair.

Twitch.

That was the thing about time. It could change everything in the blink of an eye. She had been my student once. Then she became my wife. I opened up my eyes. Now she was slipping away.

I ran my palm along the back of my neck, remembering her fingernails digging into my skin. The room felt empty without her. Much more like a lonely library than her office.

I walked toward her desk like I was in a trance and sat down in her chair. I wasn't sure what I was looking for exactly. A sign that my lawyer was full of shit? That the doctor was wrong to point blame at her? She wouldn't try to kill herself. She just...wouldn't. We had come so far together. She wouldn't leave me, or Scar, or the new baby. I turned on the computer as I tried to ignore the image of my son that popped into my head.

A Word document was open. I stared at the last line she had written:

 

"Because life without this feeling, the feeling that you give me, isn't a life that I'm interested in at all."

 

I blinked, staring at the screen. I had said that to her when I proposed. And I had this awful feeling that maybe this was how she was feeling right before she started bleeding. Except, not in the optimistic way I had said it.

I made her feel loved. But if she thought I was cheating, she wouldn't feel that way anymore. Was she not interested in living her life because she thought I didn't want her anymore? Was this the fucking proof that my lawyer was right? That the doctor was right?

No. She was just writing about us. Remembering. Right? I put my elbow on her desk and placed my forehead in my hand. Just before I closed my eyes, I saw that my elbow was placed on an envelope. An envelope with my name on it.

My hands shook as I picked it up. This couldn't be the amendment to the will that my lawyer had talked about. That whole conversation was ridiculous. Everyone was just trying to mess with my head.

So why did it have my name on it? Why was it sealed? I tore it open and unfolded the page. It wasn't a will. I sighed. It was just a letter. She had probably written it and was going to mail it to me in London. But then I told her I was coming back. She wouldn't have had time to send it. I started reading her words.

 

James,

If you're reading this, we both know what happened. I don't need to say it. And all I can say is that I understand what you're feeling. Like your heart hurts. Like you don't know if you'll ever smile again. Like the world has stopped. Like the only thing you can see for miles is darkness.

You see, I almost lost you once. I know that feeling. My mother found me falling apart in a bathroom stall at the hospital. And she told me something that really stuck with me. She told me that you have to keep living in order to keep the memory of those you love alive. And I'm asking you to do that for me. Remind Scarlett of who I was. Tell stories to our son. Don't let me disappear to our children. Don't let them forget how much I loved them.

Maybe that seems like the hardest thing in the world. But what I'm about to ask you to do, it may just be harder. I need you to keep the memory of me alive to our children. But I need you to let the memories of me with you fade. Because I need you to keep your heart open. Keep loving. Keep living. I need you to let me go.

All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. And even though it feels like the world has stopped, it hasn't. Because despite what you think, there is so much light in this world. There's so much light in you.

Remind Scarlett that I love her. Tell our son I wished I could have met him. And find a new love for yourself. You've always been stronger than you realized. But it's okay to lean on your family and friends. Let them help you. Let them in. Don't shut out everyone who cares about you. Because despite how it feels, you are not alone. You're strong. You're good. You're whole. You're loved. You are so loved, James.

Now smile,

Penny

 

 I couldn't breathe. Smile? Are you fucking kidding me? I crumpled the piece of paper in my fist.

I hated that it felt like tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. How dare she compare this to what happened to me? How dare she pretend to understand what I was feeling? I got shot. That was an accident. She did this on purpose. This letter put all the pieces together. Suicide. Intentional. I stood up and shoved the piece of crumpled paper into my pocket.

My wife had tried to kill herself. I didn't know if she had succeeded. I didn't know what the lab tests would show. Organ failure? Would they ask me to pull the plug?

Twitch.

Why would she fucking do this? My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and put it up to my ear. "What?" I said as I walked out into the hall.

"I pulled the footage," Porter said. "I'm emailing it to your computer now."

I walked out into the hall, closing the door to Penny's office. I was furious with her. But I wanted to preserve the room. Her smell. Our memories. "Don't bother." I clenched my jaw.

"But it's all ready."

"I'm not going to sit here and watch my wife kill herself." There was no reason to hide the truth from him now. He hadn't poisoned Penny. She took her own life.

There was a pause on the other end. "What are you talking about?"

"Penny poisoned herself. There were traces of it in her bloodstream and in her stomach. I'm not going to watch the video footage leading up to her decision to take her own life. Delete the footage from the past two days. I don't want to ever see it."

"Mr. Hunter, Penny wasn't suicidal. And you use all organic products. There isn't even any poison in the house, she couldn't..." his voice trailed off.

I stepped into the foyer. "What were you going to say?"

"Exterminators were here this morning. Penny was worried about the snakes that Scarlett kept mentioning. They didn't find anything. But they had brought all their equipment in. " He let his sentence hang in the air between us.

"Is there poison in pesticide?" I asked. But I already knew the answer. Of course there was.

"I'm not sure." There was a brief pause and the sound of computer keys typing. "Yes. There are several different poisons in pesticides."

"Destroy the footage."

"But shouldn't I look to see if..."

"No one knows about this but us. Scarlett will never know that her mother tried to take her own life. My family and friends will never hear about this. Not even the other members of the security team. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

I hung up and slid my cell phone back into my pocket. My fingers brushed across the crumpled piece of paper. Smile? Seriously? Fuck you too, Penny.