Chapter 30

Sunday

I remembered James' proposal like it happened yesterday. I hated being away from him. And most of all, I hated having to sleep without him. I was terrible at sleeping alone, constantly reaching out for him, being jarred awake by my hand touching empty sheets. So I had skipped ahead in the book I was writing. To one of my favorite moments. Him proposing. But now I felt as jarred as when I touched empty sheets.

"Because life without this feeling, the feeling that you give me, isn't a life that I'm interested in at all."

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the line. Maybe I remembered it wrong. Maybe I was paraphrasing and missed some important aspect of that sentence. I bit the inside of my lip. Smile again. That's what he had said to me on the phone earlier. Like he had been walking around London in a foul mood because I wasn't beside him. This line fit with that. Really, everything he did fit with that.

It was tempting to call him. I glanced at the time in the corner of my computer and quickly calculated the time difference. It was 4 a.m. in London. If I called, he'd be worried something had happened. And although I hadn't been hungry for anything but ice cream, and therefore hadn't eaten all night, I felt fine. I still felt better than I had a few weeks ago. There was no reason for him to worry.

I reached for my mouse, with the intent of shutting my computer down. Instead, I opened up a new document. Ever since I had found out about my heart murmur, I had meant to write a will. And now that I didn't feel sick, it didn't seem as horrid of a task. It didn't seem final. It just felt like something I needed to check off a to-do list.

Nothing in this house really belonged to me. Maybe you could say our wedding presents were technically half mine. But besides those and a few things I had kept from college, everything was James'. I didn't have anything to leave anyone. Staring at the blank screen made me realize exactly what I wanted. And it had nothing to do with divvying up material things. I took a deep breath and let my fingers fly over the keys.

James,

If you're reading this, we both know what happened. I don't need to say it. And all I can say is that I understand what you're feeling. Like your heart hurts. Like you don't know if you'll ever smile again. Like the world has stopped. Like the only thing you can see for miles is darkness.

You see, I almost lost you once. I know that feeling. My mother found me falling apart in a bathroom stall at the hospital. And she told me something that really stuck with me. She told me that you have to keep living in order to keep the memory of those you love alive. And I'm asking you to do that for me. Remind Scarlett of who I was. Tell stories to our son. Don't let me disappear to our children. Don't let them forget how much I loved them.

Maybe that seems like the hardest thing in the world. But what I'm about to ask you to do, it may just be harder. I need you to keep the memory of me alive to our children. But I need you to let the memories of me with you fade. Because I need you to keep your heart open. Keep loving. Keep living. I need you to let me go.

All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. And even though it feels like the world has stopped, it hasn't. Because despite what you think, there is so much light in this world. There's so much light in you.

Remind Scarlett that I love her. Tell our son I wished I could have met him. And find a new love for yourself. You've always been stronger than you realized. But it's okay to lean on your family and friends. Let them help you. Let them in. Don't shut out everyone who cares about you. Because despite how it feels, you are not alone. You're strong. You're good. You're whole. You're loved. You are so loved, James.

Now smile,

Penny

I wiped away the tears on my cheeks and pressed the print button. The printer whirred to life. And then I was left with one sheet. One sheet that felt like it held the weight of the world. My family's future and wellbeing all depending on James listening to this. I folded the paper, put it in an envelope, and sealed it. I wrote James on the front and set it back down on my desk.

I had asked him to keep living once. He had denied my request. Then I had begged him to not move on. He had accepted my request. I just hoped that him reading this would nullify anything else we had talked about. That he'd be able to read this and know it's what I truly wanted. He had to know.

I stood up from my computer and stretched. Tomorrow, I'd deliver the letter to our lawyer. He could file it away. And hopefully James would never have to read it. I wandered out of my office and up the stairs, exhausted, yet knowing that sleep wouldn't come. I struggled when James was gone. It was hard to sleep without his arms around me. Without him whispering he loved me before bed. I tried not to think about the roles being reversed. And how hard it would be to keep living without him. Because, honestly, I had given up on life when he almost died. I thought my heart would stop beating the moment his did. Even though I was pregnant. Even though I wanted to keep the memory of him alive. I just hoped to God that he was stronger than me.

 I crawled into bed, pulled the covers up to my chin, and stared at the ceiling. The smell of James on the shirt I was wearing just made me more aware of the fact that he wasn't beside me. I rolled over onto my side. My son immediately started kicking my ribcage. Ow. The time on the alarm clock stared back, mocking me. Sleep wasn't going to come like this. I pushed the covers off of myself and made my way back downstairs.

A shiver ran down my spine as I stepped off the bottom stair. For some reason the image of Rob lying unconscious at the base of the staircase popped into my head. The pool of blood. Isabella holding the gun. I swallowed hard and made my way into the kitchen. Maybe Axel was right. Maybe it was scary down here. Or maybe my mind was too preoccupied by killer snakes.

"What's wrong? Are you hungry?" I said into the nothingness. "Is that why you won't let me sleep?"

I opened up the fridge and stared at the contents. But I wasn't hungry. Ow. I put my hand on the center of my chest. No, not this again. I closed the refrigerator door. It's just in my head. I made my way back up the stairs, clutching the handrail whenever the sharp pain returned. I'm okay. When I finally reached the bed, I curled up on James' side.

"We're okay," I said into the silence, even though pools of tears were forming in my eyes. It felt like it had the night James and I had fought about dishes. When I had fallen asleep on the floor because it hurt too much to reach the bed. It's just in my head. I curled into a ball. We're okay.