Arms circled my waist as I placed the hot casserole on the stovetop and for a nanosecond, I imagined that it was Charm, turning my insides turned to mush. Thankfully, the rational side of my brain kicked in to inform me that I was an idiot.

I slowly turned around to face Joker. His eyes were shiny, as if he was about to cry, and he pointed at the various signs on the wall. He touched his chin and then the palm of his other hand.

Thank you.

I smiled. I knew he’d love it. “You’re welcome—ahh!” He picked me up and spun me around in a circle, before gently setting me back down and checking me over.

“I’m fine. I’m fine. You just surprised me.”

The look on his face—I hoped that I never forgot it. I thought only children were capable of expressions like that. Joy and innocence. I imagined that he’d always looked like this and it wasn’t hard to see why his friends had risked their own wellbeing to help him.

The journal hadn’t mentioned what had become of his father, but any other references to Matt were generally positive, given the circumstances. That was the thing about reading Charm’s writings—he was always so quick to help his friends, often sacrificing his own happiness in the process. It said a lot about his character and made those lustful thoughts I had that much more difficult to get rid of.

“Neve!” Charm growled and I jumped out of Joker’s arms guiltily. He followed me out of the kitchen and into the dining room where Charm was scowling at the signs on the walls. “What the hell is this?”

There are points in space with so much gravity, that not even light can escape. They’re known as black holes.

I would know—I was staring directly into one.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I—I just thought it would be good for everyone to learn sign language.” I pointed to Joker. “That way we can communicate with him, um, better.”

Gunner leaned over the railing upstairs, a grin on his face.

Jerk.

He was probably the one who told on me.

Charm sat down at the head of the table and leaned back, one leg casually crossed over the other. His hands rested on his thighs, making it impossible to determine if he was upset or getting ready for a power nap. “Neve, look around. This look like a fuckin’ elementary school to you? You gonna get a blackboard next? Post the damn alphabet up on the ceiling? Maybe the lyrics to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?”

I clenched my hands into fists and almost smiled as I did it. He’d done it. The bastard had cured me of my little infatuation. In fact, I could picture myself calmly walking back into the kitchen and picking up the butcher knife I’d used to chop vegetables. I could even see myself plunging it into his chest while reciting nursery rhymes.

And if ever there was a case where the left and right hemispheres of the brain could function independently of the other, Charm was it. What other explanation was there? He was so absolutely perfect at times that he melted my heart, but before I could get used to it, the cold exterior was back.

The man was a walking contradiction.

I opened and closed my mouth several times, while my brain worked to get my thoughts in order. “Noted, you friggin’ black hole,” I bit out before walking out the back door and slamming it shut behind me.

I walked until I came to the ledge and then I did the only thing I could, given the situation. I screamed until my throat was raw, before sinking down onto the smooth rock in tears.

Damn him and his black hole tendencies.

Damn the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde act.

“You alright, Neve?” I spun around and Guardrail took a hesitant step backward; he’d probably been warned about my fighting skills. It was humorous to see such an intimidating man frightened by someone like me.

He had to have been six and a half feet tall with jet black hair that fell past his gauged ears. His beard was so long that it rested on the collar of his cut-off. He was built like a bear—in fact, I wouldn’t have been a bit surprised to find out that he killed small woodland creatures with his hands. He was older than the other guys and acted as the voice of reason; well, when he was sober anyway.

I waved him off before turning back around. “I’m good. Go on in and eat. I just need a minute.”

“He means well—it’s not easy being the Prez. Definitely not a job I’d want.” He came closer to me and sat down. “Luck wasn’t exactly the easiest person to get along with and this club is nothing like what it was when he ran things.”

Boy, was that the understatement of the year.

I somehow managed to keep a poker face. “Oh, so Luck was a better Prez?”

He shook his head. “Not even close. My mama taught me not to speak ill of the dead, but I think I speak for almost everyone here when I say that not many tears were shed when he went to ground.”

Went to ground…as in killed?

We watched the sky grow dark as we sat in silence. “So, Charm took over then?”

Guardrail nodded. “He took over, tried to turn the club around—we lost seventy-five percent of our members. A lot of men liked the club the way it was before—so they left, joined up with other chapters.”

It made sense. I wasn’t entirely familiar with MCs; my only knowledge was based on television shows and brief interactions through Clint—but even I knew that this was the cleanest group of outlaws in existence.

“Well, that explains there not being any club whores around. I guess it also explains why I’m not referred to as ‘bitch,’ which I greatly appreciate, by the way.”

Guardrail closed his eyes and nodded. “He’s got a lot to manage and he’s just doing the best he can to handle it all. The club was on the brink of financial ruin when Luck died. Charm pulled out of some deals, losing allies in the process, just to get the club back on solid ground. It cost him a lot to get us here.”

I watched the older man, as he sat with his eyes closed, reliving a past I knew little about. “Wanna tell me what really happened to Doc’s eye?”

He eyed me warily. “Not especially. I like my teeth in my mouth, thank you very much. All you need to know is that it’s club business.”

Of course it was. “Fair enough.”

The biker patted my leg. “Let’s go in and eat. As much as I’d love to sit out here and shoot the shit, I’m starving and exhausted.”

I sent him on ahead and stared into the dark for a few minutes longer. Being friends with Charm wouldn’t be easy, but it was necessary to ensure that I got to stay. I also knew a little about what it was like to have the world resting on your shoulders. I’d spent a good portion of my life afraid of letting the people I loved down. So, I’d placed unreal expectations on myself, always needing to be seen as the go-getter.

Well, I’d gone and gotten myself right into trouble with drugs. And the saddest part was that I hadn’t seen it coming. I’d convinced myself that the work I piled on myself was making me stronger. The truth was that I’d gotten burned out by the time I hit eighteen, but the trap had been set and I’d become too afraid to speak up.

I needed a long-term plan, but with no identification and no money, there weren’t a lot of opportunities for me. I dusted my pants off and made my way back toward the house.

“You should do yourself a favor and keep your nose out of club business.”

My head turned toward the voice. Gunner was leaned up against the side of the lodge, smoking a cigarette. I refused to make eye contact with him and instead focused on the plumes of smoke.

When I tried to pass by him, he moved in front of the doorway, blocking me. “You hear me, Neve?”

I nodded. “Got it. Can I go now?”

Gunner blew smoke right into my eyes and they began watering. “You’re not one of us. You’re nothing but an outsider, and it won’t be long before Prez wises up and sees that. Then, you’ll be right back in the woods where you started.”

I laughed, even as his words struck terror into my heart. It was the very thing I feared. “Thanks for the pep talk, Grumpy—I mean, Gunner. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got things to do.”

I bumped him with my shoulder as I went inside, hurting myself a lot more than him in the process. It seemed that everything always hurt me worse in the end.

When Charm called for church, I snuck past Axel and retrieved the journal before retiring to my room. I’d grown bolder over the last month and had resorted to taking it any chance I got.

I flipped through it until I found the incident with Luck that Guardrail had been referring to, and once again, I was left with emotions I couldn’t decipher and an ache in my chest that wouldn’t go away. Something awful had happened and it had changed everything.