Charm was right—things did look different that next morning. For starters, he was gone…again. The days turned into weeks, but my escape plan was still nothing more than a wistful idea.

I simply wasn’t sure how to put it in motion and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. These men were no longer my begrudging rescuers, but brothers. I didn’t know when the shift happened, but I was dreading the day that I’d leave Kasselhessen—and them—for good.

Guardrail was slowly starting to get up and moving again. After Doc confirmed my diagnosis of a sprain, we’d taken turns helping out with his care. I’d braced myself for the drinking—had even written several statistic-laden speeches in my head, but I couldn’t bring myself to lecture him for his coping mechanisms. After that night, it was obvious that I could barely manage myself.

 It was inevitable; he was going to go right back to it as if nothing happened, and I was going to bite my tongue in keeping my opinion to myself, knowing he might not be so lucky the next time.

I’d mentally prepared myself as best I could, so when I saw the note in his familiar chicken scratch, I damn near fell over in shock.

Hey Doll, can you pick up some O’Doul’s at the store?

I’d considered swapping out his beer with the non-alcoholic stuff, but the desire to remain alive had me rethinking the entire idea. Maybe he’d actually taken some of my ideas to heart. There was no doubt in my mind that he was still getting the real stuff, but it meant a lot to me that he’d at least try.

Charm eventually deemed it safe to come back to the clubhouse, but managed to remain elusive. Gunner acted as his personal bodyguard, ensuring that I never got within ten feet of him. I searched fruitlessly for the rare moments when he wasn’t on the phone barking orders or out on some mysterious club business, but it never happened.

Never a moment to talk about what had happened between us when we went cliff jumping or even the aftermath on the porch.

Charm had gone back to regarding me with something akin to indifference, yet still found the time to thank me for cooking and cleaning when he came in at night. He hadn’t been upset to find me asleep on the couch either when he got in early this morning; he’d just quietly woken me up on the way to his study.

It was what I’d wanted from the beginning…friendship. Now, I found myself suffering from Liberosis—which technically wasn’t even a real thing, but I had this desire to care less. To revert back to how I was when I arrived.

I needed a how-to manual for managing my emotions while sober.

PD rode along with me one more time, but after that, I was on my own for shopping trips. “I’m not getting dragged into another one of yours and Amber’s yoga classes,” had been his exact words. It was refreshing to see that not everyone took my advice as gospel—god forbid, I suddenly get cocky. I was always able to count on PD and Gunner to do the opposite of what I suggested.

Despite my desire to see PD reconnect with Ali, I relished the freedom to do what I wanted; even if it was only for an hour or two a week.

Amber was always willing to drop whatever she had going on to sip a five-dollar cup of coffee while trailing after me down every aisle in the store. Sometimes, we went to yoga. Other times we went and tried on clothes. To an outsider, our activities were nothing out of the ordinary; but to an addict like me, it was a normalcy I hadn’t known since high school.

I’d really taken to exploring Kasselhessen; I’d pack the groceries down in an ice chest in the back of the truck and then drive around until something caught my eye.

Yesterday, I’d passed a historical sign and learned that the town had been founded by German immigrants during the Pike’s Peak Gold Rush of 1859. The small mountain community had been at the center of the region’s mining district before losing half of its populace to the Civil War. Kasselhessen was an oddity though—they hadn’t disappeared when gravel mining dried up and their population was low—no, the town had just turned to hard rock mining and kept the town running.

Now, it had a biker gang.

I found a small, family-run thrift store not long after and it had proven to be my favorite stop so far. I’d been sifting aimlessly through a bin while an older couple nearby bickered over a ceramic reindeer figurine when I found the coin. The year was wrong, but the message was the same regardless. I purchased it for a quarter and tucked it into the pocket of my jeans.

This morning, Twitch joined me on the ledge to watch the sunrise. I’d been coming out here ever since the night of Guardrail’s accident; needing to atone for the cravings I’d experienced. They just kept popping up at the most inopportune times—leaving me feeling weak and ashamed.

I was usually alone, but found that it hadn’t bothered me. It gave me a chance to work through the storm of thoughts and memories in my head. I’d carried the guilt of my parent’s deaths for over a year and, no matter how much I tried to combat it, coke would always be my first choice for coping.

Twitch sat silently beside me—we hadn’t encountered each other much since the night he confused me for Rae. I knew that I wasn’t going to get another opportunity, so I kept the coin hidden in my hand until the sun lit up the sky and then gently placed it in his. He turned it over in the morning light, studying the words written on it.

The medallion was white with gold trim, nothing fancy. It had a small hole near the top so it could be worn on a chain. ‘Out of the Ashes of Addiction Comes Recovery and Growth,’ ‘Just for Today,’ and the words ‘Serenity’ and ‘Peace’ were written on one side. The other side featured the Serenity Prayer with the words, ‘God, Gratitude, Hope and Healing.’ In the center, it said ‘Miracles Happen.’

“I wanted to get you something for helping me a few weeks ago. It’s not much, but I thought you could carry it with you as a reminder. You know, on days when you can’t see the sunrise.”

Twitch’s jaw clenched as he stared ahead, lips mashed together. He nodded and managed to get out a rough, “Thanks,” before he jumped up and took off, leaving me alone again.

“What the hell did you do to Twitch, Darlin’?” Rooster drawled out as he walked up.

I laughed nervously. I’d wanted to surprise the biker, not send him on a bender. “Nothing. He had somewhere to be, I think.”

Rooster laughed. “He took off like he’d been shot out of a fuckin’ cannon—thought you might’ve scared him.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yep…all sixty-three inches of me are pretty intimidating.”

He laughed, but headed back toward the clubhouse, no doubt going after Twitch. I brought my knees up and rested my chin against them, defeated. I’d been able to show four of the men my gratitude, but I still needed to think of something to do for the others. Minus Gunner, they’d all gone out of their way to make me feel welcomed and accepted, and I wanted to return the favor.

Unfortunately, everything I touched turned to shit. One bad decision had turned my life into this and it didn’t matter how hard I tried, Gunner had made it abundantly clear that I would always be an outsider. I would spend the rest of my life wishing that I could’ve changed the past.

“You are pretty intimidating.”

I jumped at his voice, ignoring the flush that crept up my neck. “I didn’t know you were out here.” My voice cracked and I tried to mask it by clearing my throat.

Charm took the last remaining steps until he was next to me. “Yeah—I’ve got a lot of shit to get done today, thought I’d get an early start. So, you scaring my men?”

I smiled. “Yeah, you know it. Listen, I’m glad you’re out here. I wanna talk to you about what happened that night on the porch—”

Charm held up a hand, stopping me. “I already told you that we were good. I actually just came out here to let you know that we’re going to host a few other clubs here in a few days. I’m gonna need your help to pull it off. I’m thinking we’ll have close to a hundred. I can get you some help in the kitchen, but it’ll be a lot of work. You think you’re up for it?”

My heart sank. I wanted to tell him that I said what I did before I figured out that Rae hadn’t pulled through. I wanted to tell him that I was afraid I’d never live up to his expectations. Most of all though, I wanted to tell him that I was afraid to hurt him.

Loving me was nothing short of a death sentence.

Instead, I answered distractedly, “It might be hard, but I think I can handle it.”

He clapped me on the shoulder. “That’s what she said.”

My mouth dropped open in shock. “You—but I? You—” I sounded like a broken record, skipping over words.

He winked and walked away, calling out over his shoulder. “I’ll let the guys know to get you whatever you need.”

In that moment, he could’ve knocked me over with a feather.

Who was this man and what had he done with Charm?

 

I sat at the large metal island in the kitchen with a notebook in my hand, but completely lost in thought. I had to come up with a menu to serve a hundred people; there wasn’t time to dwell on Charm’s reasons for going after Luck when Rae died. I couldn’t fathom how he connected her death to the club. Unless, she had lung cancer brought on by being around bikers who smoked. Although, if that had been the case, I couldn’t imagine that Twitch would’ve remained a smoker.

I stared back down at the blank notebook and tapped my pen against it. I had to come up with something. Charm was taking care of the tables and chairs, but there was so much work that needed to be done with only a few short days in which to get it all accomplished.

“How’s it going, Darlin?” Rooster poked his head in.

I held up the notebook. “Well, if I could come up with a menu, I’d be doing a lot better. Did you guys take care of alcohol?”

He grinned slyly. “Oh, we took care of the booze. I think we might need another building to store it all.”

I laughed and went back to tapping the pen against the blank page. I really needed some inspiration right about now.

Rooster sat down across from me. “What about brisket or chicken? We’ve got that big ass smoker just begging to be used.”

I thought it over. If we did a barbecue rub on them, then I could pair it with potato salad and baked beans. “Okay, that could work. If he’s planning on a hundred, then that means we’d need to look at roughly six to eight ounces of meat per person—I’m going to go with the higher number since the majority will be men. Eight hundred ounces—that puts us at fifty pounds. Maybe we could split and do twenty-five pounds of brisket and twenty-five pounds of chicken. I might need to add a couple of pounds in to account for water weight.”

Rooster’s mouth hung open. “Did you just do all that in your head?”

I nodded. “Doesn’t everyone?”

He shook his head. “No one I know.”

Doc came in and Rooster filled him on my ‘impressive’ calculating skills. He rubbed his hands together gleefully. “Okay, ninety-seven people want to drink. If we bought twenty-four cases of beer, will that be enough?” When I gave him a confused look he added, “I’m trying to make it harder for you.”

I grinned. “Well, a case of beer is twenty-four bottles. If you bought twenty-four cases, that gives you five hundred seventy-six beers. That means, out of the ninety-seven people coming, each person would get five point nine three beers. And with a hundred people, that leaves you with five point seven six beers per person. I don’t know about your friends, but if they drink like you guys, that’s not going to be enough.”

“Charm, you hearin’ this?” Rooster looked over into the doorway and I stopped talking.

“You always been this good with numbers?” His eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

I nodded. “Yeah, I love numbers—especially for stuff like this. It’s like a puzzle…”

Seeing the astounded faces, I self-consciously tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and looked away.

“Fifty-two crates.”

His voice was so quiet that I had to lean forward. “Excuse me?”

Charm looked me right in the eye. “Fifty-two crates. Let’s say that’s what I’ve got—figure I can make twelve thousand on each one.”

I didn’t ask the obvious question—which would’ve been, ‘What’s in the crates?’

No, my inner mathematician came out. “Fifty-two crates at twelve thousand each? So, you’d be looking at six hundred twenty-four thousand. Split eight ways, it’d still leave you with seventy-eight thousand per person. Although you probably wouldn’t just split it evenly eight ways—that’d be a little too simple. With you being ‘the Prez,’ surely your cut is bigger. So maybe we’re looking at twenty percent for you—one hundred twenty-four thousand eight hundred dollars. Still, the other guys would walk away with seventy-one thousand, three hundred fourteen dollars, and some change. Oh, but I didn’t factor in giving some back to the town—I’m probably completely off—”

Charm’s mouth hung open in shock and he held a hand up to stop me from continuing. “That’s insane.”

I shook my head. “No, it’s easy—you just multiply and divide. Anyone can do it.”

He laughed bitterly. “Not usually without the help of a calculator. Jesus, Honey. How’d some genius like yourself end up here?”

I shrugged. “I wanted to be the best. I found that I’d have to forfeit sleep in order to do that—got hooked on blow instead and well, here I am.”

Numbers had always been easy for me. It was like the problem was drawn out in front of me—I could see all the numbers and then it just became a matter of moving them around as needed to get my answer.

Charm clicked his tongue against his teeth and a flood of heat washed over me again. There was just something about him that left me feeling completely undone.

“Alright, let’s get back to work. I think Neve has this completely taken care of—might even save me a little money too.”

I found that I wanted to save him more than money; I wanted to save the parts of him that had obviously been lost when Rae died. While there had been brief glimpses of the man he was before, Charm had obviously hardened himself after losing her.

Rooster hung back. “Hey, I had a question for ya. You mentioned before that I was too obvious.”

I jotted down a few more party notes before answering. “I did say that.”

He spun around on the stool and reached for my hand, demanding my full attention. “Well, say that some chicks show up at the party. How can I avoid coming across like that?”

I grinned. “Are you coming to me for female advice, Rooster? Things must be bad then.”

He glared down at me. “C’mon, Neve. Tell me what to do.”

I shrugged. “Do you know how to dance? A lot of women love a man that can move on the dance floor.”

He pressed his lips together before answering. “I’m not sure what kind of party you’re thinking this is gonna be, but we don’t usually dance.”

“Why not?”

He gestured to his cut-off. “Because we’re bikers, Darlin’.”

I pointed the pen at him. “That’s your problem—too concerned with your image.”

When he jumped off the barstool and left the room in a huff, I had to fight the smile that kept creeping onto my face. If I knew Rooster, he was hunting down music so I’d teach him how to dance.

I wasn’t wrong.

Ten minutes later he stormed back in with his phone in hand. “Alright Neve, here’s what I’ve got.”

He turned on some fast-paced rap music and began moving around the kitchen as if he was having a seizure. I gave up on remaining silent and burst out laughing.

“What? What’s wrong with this?”

I shook my head and dabbed at my eyes. “Nothing if your goal is to end up on YouTube. If you want to impress the ladies, you need something slower.” I took the phone from him and scrolled through his music, finally deciding on some Luke Bryan.

“You know we won’t be playing anything like this at the party, right?”

I turned the volume up. “Why not? This is good music.”

His head moved along to the beat of the song. “Hell yeah it is. Doesn’t mean Charm will let us play it.”

I slid off my stool and grabbed his hands. “Okay, put this hand here.” I placed his right hand on my hip. “And this one goes here.” I held his left hand with my right. “Now, we’ll start slow so you can get the hang of it.”

Luke Bryan crooned about dancing on tailgates, while we swayed back and forth in the kitchen.

“Now, let’s do the steps. You’re going to lead, okay? Two steps forward and one step back.”

Rooster started off a little rocky, but by the third time the song played, he’d gotten the hang of it—only stepping on my feet twice. We moved around the kitchen to the beat of the song and, as he got it down, added in a couple of spins.

Joker tapped me on the shoulder before signing that he wanted to be taught as well and I winced as he hopelessly stomped across my toes throughout the song. When PD cut in, I gave a silent prayer of thanks. His arms were stiff, as if he was afraid to move and it took several turns around the room before he loosened up.

The kitchen had become our dance hall and bikers streamed in, happily awaiting their turns. Axel had obviously been taught by Amber and moved gracefully around the kitchen, while Guardrail’s moves were jerky and robotic; making the lack of a female presence completely apparent.

A throat cleared just as he dipped me backward, nearly taking my feet out from under me. “You givin’ lessons?” Charm leaned against the door frame, running his thumb against his beard.

Guardrail pulled me back up and I let go of his hands guiltily. “Why? Do you want to learn?”

He nodded and cut in between us. My heart beat a little faster as he gripped my waist with one hand and my hand with the other. He led effortlessly and I began to suspect that he knew exactly what he was doing. In fact, he could’ve taught every man here, with the exception of Axel.

Whereas the other men and I had probably looked like a couple of junior high kids dancing, Charm’s body was so close to mine that it was impossible to ignore the way his muscles brushed against me as we danced.

He leaned down next to my ear and whispered, “I may have done this a time or two.”

I grinned like an idiot as my face turned cherry red before murmuring, “I noticed.”

He moved even closer and his breath tickled my ear as he said, “I didn’t mention it before now, but if you wanted to go into town and get some clothes for the party, you can.”

“Okay. This doesn’t mean you’re my man though, right?” I laughed easily and licked my dry lips, high off of every inhale and exhale. His fingers tightened on my waist at the words and I bit back a moan.

Keep it together, Neve.

He frowned before tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “I got zero interest in being your man, honey.”

The music ended and I realized that Rooster was the only one still in the room, sitting on a barstool, watching both of us curiously.

“Charm.” Gunner walked in. “Got something you need to see.”

I waved at him and he scowled in return, giving his full attention back to his Prez.

Charm stumbled as he backed away. “Yep. Let’s go. Neve, you good here? Got everything you need?”

I nodded and waited until they left before letting out a heavy exhale of disappointment. It wasn’t like a relationship with Charm was even a viable option, but finding out that he had zero interest in being my man still stung.

I had to pull this party off.

They were all counting on me.

I just hoped that I didn’t let them all down.