"Come on, dude," Liddy says, running up alongside him on the path. "Do you know how many details I gave you on my first real relationship with a girl?"

Jake's lip curls. "Too many."

"Exactly. So give me too many details!"

He frowns. "It's not really any of your business, Liddy." He pulls ahead, pushing his legs to run faster and to lengthen his stride putting distance between them. He's more of a sprinter anyway, and Liddy has always been more endurance. She bides her time and eventually his pace slows, allowing her to catch up.

"Okay, so I know it's not technically my business, but you've made it my business for the past couple months. You always make it my business. You talk to me about these things because you like to, and you don't feel like you can with your dude-bro friends." She barely sounds out of breath, and Jake's chest aches as he heaves each inhale. It's not fair.

She also has a point, and he hates it. He can't talk about this with his other friends, and he desperately wants to talk about it, but he's afraid to. Talking about it makes it real, and Jake is scared of what that might mean.

His words sound stilted and heavy as he pants. "It's just..." He groans, tossing his head back as he runs. "It's complicated."

"Okay, pull over for a stretch break." Liddy nudges him off the path toward a patch of grass, both of them slowing to a jog until they walk off the path. Jake immediately starts rotating his arms across his chest and rolling his shoulders while Liddy grabs her ankle and pulls it back. "Okay," she says, balance wavering as she hops around on one foot. It's amusing enough to lighten the atmosphere. "Now that you can breathe and think, tell me what's up."

Jake groans again, stretching his arms high above his head. "It's just... weird, okay? Kyle isn't really in the closet, but he's not really out of it either? Like... he knows he's gay, and he's pretty open with me about being gay, but he doesn't really want other people to know. Which... yeah, fine, I get it. He explained it to me, and I get it, but that doesn't make it any easier. Especially when we haven't really talked about us? Like, we meet up, and hangout, and go on dates, and make out, and we fuck, but I have no idea where we stand."

Liddy lets out a long, low whistle, switching to her other leg. She reaches out, putting a hand on Jake's shoulder to help balance herself. "That's rough, buddy. But you're enjoying fucking him, yeah?"

He snorts, rolling his eyes, but he smiles when he looks at her. "That's all you're interested in?"

She grins. "No, but I'm trying to sound like a bro to put you more in your element. How's the sex?"

He sighs. "Fucking amazing. He's so goddamn cute, and ridiculously sexy without even trying, and I have a hard time holding myself back, but we go at his pace and it's still so good."

"He enjoy it?"

Jake laughs. "Oh yeah, from what I can tell? Definitely."

"Well, that's a good step."

Jake drops to the ground, stretching his legs out in front of him and leaning for his toes, eyes on the ground as he mumbles, "Too bad I can't tell if he enjoys being with me."

Liddy spreads her legs shoulder width apart and leans over to stretch down one leg. "To be honest, Kyle seems like a really sweet guy, but, you know... your first is always complicated and never really lasts. In relationships in general, but especially in your first gay one." She switches to her other leg, a wry laugh on her tongue. "I mean, I dated several girls who were just experimenting or whatever. Like, sure Kathrine. You're three fingers and a tongue deep in my pussy, but you're completely straight. I believe that." She glances over, eyes sparkling and a smile on her lips as she hopes to share a laugh with Jake. But his face is anything but amused, and her smile fades. "Oh, but like... you guys are probably the exception to that rule, you know? Kyle knows he's gay, so that's a step above my experiences. He just needs some help stepping out of the closet. You guys might have something that lasts."

He knows what she's doing. He's not stupid. She's trying to make him feel better by saying the things he wants to hear and by encouraging him. Sometimes he needs a dose of blunt reality, and sometimes he needs hope. Turns out, right now, neither is making him feel better.

He leans back, pulling his knees up and resting back on his hands behind him. He stares at a spot in front of him, lost in thought and unable to meet her eyes. He doesn't want to see her pity or her sympathy. "Honestly, I'm... not really sure that's the track we're on."

"Oh?" She sounds surprised by that, and she sits down next to him with a light groan. Facing the same direction, staring down the path at other runners and joggers, she nudges his shoulder with hers. "Tell me about it."

"It's just...," he sighs, running a hand through his hair, feeling sweat make it stand up on end. "I like him, Liddy. Like... a lot. I have feelings for him, like... real, strong, deep feelings." He groans, fingers twisting into his hair and pulling at the roots. He falls back, lying on the ground and letting his arms fall out as he glares up at the sky. "I hate this. I haven't felt like this with any of my ex's before. No offense."

"None taken."

"But I've never felt... this much for someone. I've found them hot and fun, yeah, but not... like this? I know I'm not making any sense, but it doesn't feel like it makes sense. I think... I think I might love him? I dunno. Maybe. I don't think I've ever really loved someone, so who the fuck knows. I'm trying to be patient, because I know he's not ready to come out, but... maybe it doesn't matter, you know? It just feels like... he's holding me at arm's length. Not physically, but emotionally. On the inside? Fuck, this makes no sense." He runs his hands over his face, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes.

Liddy chuckles, and he feels her hand come down on his shoulder, rubbing and squeezing comfortingly. "Man, I didn't know you were such a girl."

He spreads his fingers, glaring up at her through them.

She grins, reaching out to playfully press a finger to his nose. "It's not a bad thing. It just means that you're in touch with your emotions, and it's what a lot of guys are afraid to do. I've always known you were sensitive. You feel a lot, and you let yourself feel. Some of your dude-bro friends could learn a lot from you."

Jake swats her hand away, throwing his arms up over his head as he sprawls out on the grass. "Feeling my feelings sucks."

She chuckles, pulling her knees up and wrapping her arms around them. "Yeah, it does. But it makes you a better person. It makes you human. And hey, if this thing with Kyle doesn't work out, at least it was a good step for you. Maybe you'll learn to broaden your horizons and try again."

"Yeah, maybe..." He eyes her through narrowed eyes, lips tight. "When did you get so wise?"

She grins, preening as she lifts her chin. "I've always been wise, thanks for noticing."

He snorts, rolling his eyes. "Is that why you once challenged me to a habanero pepper eating contest?"

She kicks him lightly. "Which I won, by the way."

"We burnt off half our taste buds!"

"But I won."

They laugh, and she stands, holding out a hand to help him back to his feet. They start off down the path again, jogging back towards campus. Liddy rambles between panting breaths about her girlfriend and her classes, just to fill the space. Jake makes the appropriate and expected noises of acknowledgement, but he's not really paying attention.

He's realized, through that conversation, that he's already started to think of him and Kyle as broken up, which leaves a sour taste on the back of his tongue and his gut twisted up in knots. The worst part is, he's not sure if he can consider them broken up if he's not even sure if they were together to begin with.

It's not a conversation he wants to have, but it's one he knows he needs to. He needs to know if they're officially together. He needs to know if Kyle is worth fighting for, or if they really are just drifting apart before they ever had a chance.

* * *

They meet up later that night to study. Jake had been on his way to Kyle's dorm when Kyle had texted him, asking if they could meet up in the student union instead. His roommate was there, and Kyle doesn't like the ideas his roommate has about them. Jake tries to ignore how much that stings.

They find a secluded small lounge area on the third floor. It's an area that's rarely crowded during the day, but here and now, well after class hours, it's even more empty. It's quiet and private, yet Jake feels like there's an ocean between them.

Kyle sits across the table, his laptop out and open, and a notebook sitting next to him. Jake's book and notebook are out, but he's not looking at them. His pen idly taps the page as he leans on the table, cheek resting against his open palm and elbow resting on the table. His eyes are on Kyle.

Kyle has barely looked at him since they arrived, and he's as fidgety and flighty as he has been for the past week or so. He looks nervous and shy, which is something that Jake had thought they were long past. It reminds him of their first couple of study sessions, but even then, the tension was different. Then it was a new kind of uncertain tension, but now it feels harsher, more nervous, and it makes Jake's stomach twist itself into knots.

They should be past this by now.

"So...," he starts, aiming for slow and casual. Kyle's eyes flicker up out of reflex, but then snap back down to his computer screen. Jake frowns. "This Saturday we have a practice match against a nearby school." Kyle raises a brow, humming lightly, and Jake takes that as reason enough to continue. "It's not a big deal. Just a game for fun before the real season starts next semester. It'll be here, but they're not like... selling tickets or anything. Anyone is welcome to come, though it's mostly friends, family, and... partners."

He sees Kyle freeze and hears the rhythmic typing stop. Slowly, his gaze lifts, carefully blank as he stares at Jake. Jake smiles, trying to go for casual and encouraging. He doesn't want to push. He knows from experience that when he does, Kyle tends to back away. But he needs to get this out in the open.

"I was thinking... maybe you could come?"

Kyle's eyes narrow slightly, brows pinching as his lips press into a thin line. "As your... friend?" He asks cautiously.

Jake's smile is sheepish as he tilts his head. "Well, yeah, kinda... though I was thinking more like... boyfriend?"

Kyle stares at him for a long moment, silent and tense. Jake can feel it thick and choking, suffocating him and forcing him to take shallow breaths. His stomach rolls, and his heart feels like it's lodged itself in his throat. All he can do is stare and wait.

The anticipation feels like there's an axe hanging over his head.

Kyle sighs, reaching forward to close his laptop with a finality that feels like the axe falling.

"Actually... I've been thinking about that..." He trails off, busying himself as he closes his notebook and sets it neatly on his laptop. He then leans forward, resting his elbows on the table and rubbing his temples with his fingers, closing his eyes. "I don't think I'm... ready for that. To be... gay." He whispers it, glancing around nervously as he lowers his voice. "I mean, I am. But I don't think I'm ready to be open with it."

Jake tries for a smile, but it feels shaky. His pulse hammers in his veins, making him feel dizzy. "That's fine. We don't have to come out about it yet. We don't have to tell anyone."

But Kyle is already shaking his head, leaning back and putting his hands on his notebook and laptop, fingers splayed wide. There's a stubborn determination there that makes Jake's heart sink into his stomach. He knows that look, and he doesn't like it in this context.

"No, Jake, I mean... Maybe we would be better off if we just... called this off?" He waves a hand in the air, lips pursed as he looks everywhere but at Jake. "You know... us? I like you. I really, really do. I... can't deny that. You're really great, and you deserve so much, but I don't think I can be the one to give it to you."

Jake feels himself tense. Heart like lead in his chest. His breaths shallow, and his blood static in his veins. He's heard this all before.

It's not you, it's me.

You're a great guy, but I don't think we fit.

I like you, I really do, but we should break up.

He's heard it so many times, but it's never hurt like this. He feels like he can't breathe. There's a ringing in his ear, and his limbs feel tingly. This can't be real. This has to be a bad dream. Not real, not real, not real—

"I'm sorry," Kyle continues, oblivious to Jake's panic. He's already packing up his things, movements quick but stiff. "I'm really sorry, but with school and my game and your sports... I just think it's a bad time. We should focus on other things. I asked around, and I found another tutor who can help you. I already emailed them your information, so they can start teaching you from now on—"

"Wait," Jake croaks, voice cracking. He can't bring himself to care. He sits up straight, eyes wide as he gapes at Kyle. "You're not going to tutor me either?" He can't tell if he feels offended or hurt. Probably both. Hurt is underlying everything at this point. "You don't want anything to do with me?"

Kyle zips up his bag with far more haste and force than necessary, stiffly getting to his feet and throwing the strap over his shoulder. He holds onto it, staring at the ground. "I just... think this is for the best. I'm sorry, but... You'll find someone better. To tutor you, and to be with."

He turns to leave, already scurrying away. Jake leaps to his feet, nearly tripping in his haste and scrambling after him. He grabs Kyle's wrist, jerking him to a stop. Kyle doesn't try to pull away, but he doesn't turn around either. He keeps his head bowed, body stiff.

"Kyle," Jake says, keeping his voice low. There's an urgency there, but he tries his best to sound reasonable and soothing. He can't let Kyle walk away. "Come on, just... think about this."

"I have." It sounds cold and indifferent, and a shiver runs down Jake's spine.

"I don't want someone else."

Kyle's body heaves with a sigh, shaky and wavering. "Just because you're pretty doesn't mean you always can have what you want." He turns then, pinning Jake with a watery gaze. His eyes are red rimmed and glassy, but there's an unwavering determination there. His lips purse into a tight frown. "Just..." He speaks softly, almost pleadingly. "Don't make this difficult. Don't follow me. Just... let me go."

He turns then, and when he tugs on Jake's grip, Jake lets him go.

He's left standing there long after Kyle is gone, eyes distant. Breathing is hard, and each breath threatens the well of emotions further up his throat until he's choking on a sob.

His stomach is twisted, and his skin buzzes with static. He's pretty sure his knees are shaking, but he still stands there, afraid that if he moves, it'll make this moment real. It's stupid, really, the idea that if he stays still, it won't be real.

He doesn't know what to do. He feels frantic and manic. Energy buzzes beneath his skin, but it has no focus and no direction.

He had been expecting this. He hadn't wanted to accept it or face it, but deep down, he had been expecting this. He had already been considering them broken up. He's broken up with people so many times before, but like with everything else, Kyle is different. Kyle has always been different.

It's through blurred vision and with shaking hands that he calls Liddy. She's the only one who will understand.