"So he does know how to answer the phone!"

Kyle sinks lower in his desk chair, pulling his feet up onto it and his knees to his chest. He wraps his free arm around them, resting his cheek on his knee as he sighs. "Hi, Mom."

"I haven't heard from you in ages!" Her voice is teasing but happy. It makes his insides twist with guilt. It hadn't been that long... had it?

"Well, I'm here now." He picks at the seam of his jeans. "How've you guys been?"

"Oh, same old, same old. Your dad's been working himself into the ground because he can't say no when people need him, and nothing has changed at the bank for me. The dogs are doing well; Mickey learned how to jump onto the counters, so that's a pain."

Kyle hums, a soft smile tugging at the edges of his lips. He misses them. He really does. It's not easy being here on his own. Especially not after everything that happened last summer. He knows his parents aren't fairing much better, but it's hard to talk to them. They call him constantly, and most days he just can't find the energy to answer the phone. He's trying not to think too much about it. Forcing himself to move on. But every time he talks to them, he feels like a ghost is hanging over the conversation. An elephant in the room that is clearly there but no one wants to address it.

Still, he hasn't answered one of their calls in a while, and he can only go so long before the guilt starts to claw at him and tear him apart from the inside out. He grits his teeth and bears it, if only for now. She called while he was waiting for Jake to show up for a study session, so at least he has an escape if he needs it.

"Enough about us, though. How are you? You've barely told us about anything. How's college life? What's your roommate like? How're your classes?"

"It's fine. He's good. We get along fine. Classes are classes. Mostly boring, but I'm passing," he mumbles. He doesn't really want to get into it, and he doesn't want to think about it. College is just something he has to do and something he has to get through. Even if it sucks, and it— no, he's not thinking about it. Everything is fine.

His mom hums, but she's losing her high energy. He can hear it leaking out of her. When she speaks again, he can hear how tired she is. He can hear everything she's trying to hide and everything she doesn't want to say. "I'm glad things are going okay. We just... we worry about you."

He feels his chest tighten. His fingers dig into his thigh and curl around his phone. "Mom—"

"We just... we miss you, Kyle. We know you can't come home, but we'd like to hear from you more often. Just to know that you're okay. Even if you have nothing to say, we'd like to hear your voice."

"I know, Mom, I just—" He has to stop and swallow the lump in his throat. He can hear how thick his voice has become, and he clears his throat. "I'm just really busy with school, you know? It's more work than high school, and with everything I'm doing— I don't have a lot of time."

It's not entirely untrue. He is really busy. He needs to hurry up and graduate as soon as he can. He needs to pass all of his classes with flying colors, just like his brother would have. He has to finish his game, just like his brother would have wanted him to, he has to—

There's a sharp knock at the door, and Kyle jumps, head whipping around to look at it. It takes a couple seconds before his mind can catch up.

Right. He was waiting for Jake.

"Hey, Mom, I gotta go—"

"Was that a knock I just heard? Do you have a friend coming over?" She sounds so surprised and hopeful, breathless in her shock and glee.

He can't bring himself to disappoint her. "Uh, yeah, so I gotta go. I'll talk to you later."

"Alright! Tell me all about them later, okay? Love you."

His voice feels tight and his words sound thick as he says, "Love you, too, Mom."

He hates how relieved he feels when he hangs up.

By the time he gets to the door, he's more put together, but his chest still feels tight and his breaths are straining. And judging from the way his pulse jumps and his stomach flips when he opens the door, he knows it doesn't entirely have to do with talking to his mom.

"Hey," Jake sounds sheepish, hands shoved deep in his pockets and shoulders hiked up to his ears.

"Hey," Kyle says, trying to sound as neutral as possible as he steps aside to let Jake in.

"You okay?" Jake asks, brows pinching as he looks Kyle over.

He looks away, closing the door behind him. "Uh, yeah. Just got off the phone with my mom."

"Ah, gotcha." He sounds distracted. Kyle watches as he paces as far into the room as the small dorm will allow before spinning around quickly and abruptly. His hands fly out of his pockets, going up in a defensive gesture. "Look, I'm really sorry about the other night. I didn't think my roommates would come home so soon, and I definitely didn't think they'd be assholes. I told them off once you left, and they promised not to mess with you anymore."

Even as his limbs feel like they're buzzing with energy, Kyle feels his stomach flip and his insides melt. His shoulders slump as tension he hadn't realize he was carrying leaks out of him. He hadn't realized how much he needed to hear that. He hadn't realized how relieved he would be to hear Jake apologize and look completely genuine about it.

He hadn't expected this much, and the fact that he got it unprompted means a lot.

The ghost of a smile touches his lips. Not a full smile, but the brief beginnings of one. "Thanks, Jake."

Jake's body sags, bag falling to the floor as he smiles, wide and relieved. "No problem, man. You're with me now. No one is gonna mess with you on my watch. Especially my friends."

They take up their usual seats on the beanbags on the floor, their bags and books spread out around them. Kyle shifts, sinking into the seat and pulling his knees up to get comfortable. He pushes his sleeves to his elbows, his glasses up his nose, and pulls the textbook onto his lap to flip to the right chapter.

"So, uh, I was wondering..." Kyle's page turning slows as he glances up, curious. Jake sits in his beanbag, legs stretched out in front of him, bent slightly. He lounges back, arms spread out across the puff of the beanbag. His notebook and textbook sit on his lap, untouched. His gaze is locked in front of him, fixed on the shelves of video games, but his eyes are too still to be reading the titles. "I was just curious, you know? About you— and like, it's no big deal. I just got to thinking— not that you gotta answer me if it's too personal, I just—"

"Jake." Jake's mouth snaps shut as he turns to look at him, and Kyle just levels him with a flat look. Judging from the way he looks abashed, Kyle has a feeling Jake knows he was rambling. He doesn't think he's ever seen Jake this nervous. Not even when he was working up to apologize. "Just spit it out."

Jake lets out a long breath. "Right. I'll just ask it then." His hands slap at the beanbag's side where they hang. He looks away again, eyes wandering the room. "And you don't have to answer if you don't want, I was just really curious, like... you're not really into sports or anything like that, and you don't seem to be really interested in girls— at least I've never seen you check out girls the way my friends do, even when there's a really hot one standing next to you, so like, I was wondering, are you like..." He waves a hand around vaguely. "You know? Do you like dudes? Not that it really matters to me. I don't care if that's what you're into. It's not a big deal— Kyle? Kyle!"

Kyle hears him as if through a fog. His voice sounds distant and his understanding of words is fuzzy around the edges. His room seems to zoom out, perpetually stretching and blurring at the corners. He stares at Jake, but he barely registers him. Barely sees him. His limbs feel tingly, and his fingertips feel numb. He thinks his mouth is hanging open, and he only knows that because he can feel the coolness from each stuttered breath on his lips.

Hazily, distantly, he realizes he's having a panic attack.

His chest is tight— too tight. He can't breathe. His stomach is hard and clenched and rolling, and he can't breathe. There's pain in his fingers, but it's distant. He thinks he's clenching his hands. Everything seems to fade in and out, and his mind is on a mental repeat.

No. No. He can't know. He's not— He can't be. No one can know. No. No. Nononononono—

"Kyle."

Hands are on his cheeks, warm and strong. Calloused and rough. Firm, but so, so gentle. Kyle's gaze snaps to focus on Jake's face. He's closer than he was. He fills up Kyle's vision, eyes holding onto his and refusing to let go.

"Calm down. It's okay. Breathe with me okay? In, out. Yeah, just like that. Follow with me. In. Out. In. Out. You're doing great, buddy. Stay with me"

Kyle focuses on the feeling of his hands as a grounding point, holds onto his gaze for focus, and breathes with him. Listens to his voice, warm and low, rich and smooth like honey. Slowly, oh so slowly, he calms down. Feeling comes back to his body. His breaths even out. His mind slowly settles back into his body.

He closes his eyes, breath shuttering out in a long sigh. "Thanks." His voice is strained and cracked.

He opens his eyes as Jake pulls away, hating that he already misses the touch. Jake's smile is small and apologetic. "No problem. Sorry about that. I didn't think— I just didn't think. We don't have to talk about it. I get it if you don't trust me."

Kyle looks down, mindlessly flipping to the chapter they need to work on. He's never been great at conversation, and he doesn't even know how to approach what just happened. He doesn't know what to say at all, so he goes for a hard segue. "So about the homework we were assigned..."

Thankfully, Jake lets him have it and easily takes the hint.

They spend the next couple hours going over their work. They're getting ahead of the game, going over the chapter they're set to cover in class for the upcoming week. Kyle's plan was to get Jake starting ahead so he understands the lesson before their professor goes over it in class. Hopefully then he can follow along and understand the assignments a little more.

Kyle immerses himself in it, helping Jake read and decipher the over-worded text into something more approachable and understandable. Jake is already getting better at seeing through the complex wording to the heart of the matter, able to spin it into his own words. He does it with lackluster confidence, forming it in the shape of a question and waiting for Kyle's approval and confirmation. The smile he gives whenever Kyle says he's right is blinding. It makes Kyle's stomach flip and butterflies flutter in his chest.

It's... stupid. All of it is stupid. Of course, if he's being honest, Jake is attractive. He's always known Jake is attractive. He's never shied away from that truth. But there's a difference between acknowledging someone is attractive and being attracted to them. He realizes that he's starting to dip into the latter, and he needs it to stop. It's stupid, and it'll go nowhere. Even if Jake is telling the truth and it's no big deal that Kyle... likes... you know. Jake is still straight, and Kyle knows better than to crush on a straight jock.

When they're done for the evening, Jake packs up his things quietly and quickly. There's a tension in the air, and it's not until then that Kyle realizes how relaxed the atmosphere is when they're alone. He's gotten so used to Jake's easy presence, how warm and inviting and relaxing it is, he’s never realized how much he appreciated that until it's gone. He’s never realized how much he enjoys Jake's mindless and idle chatter as he packs up his things. How much just listening to his voice puts Kyle at ease.

It's stupid, and he knows he should just let it go, let Jake drift away, but he can't.

He scrambles to his feet after Jake and grabs his arm as he reaches for the door. Jake freezes, looking back and blinking owlishly at Kyle's hand tugging at his sleeve. He follows the hand to Kyle's face, and he blanches. He hadn't thought this far ahead, but now he has to say something.

He bites his lip and looks away, down at his feet and his mismatched socks. "I, uh, just wanted to say... sorry... about earlier. I didn't mean to... freak out like that."

Jake's hand touches Kyle's, enveloping it in warmth. He shivers at the touch, at how rough his hands feel against Kyle's own. "Hey, man," he says, voice low and soothing. "It's no problem. It happens."

Kyle stands up a little straighter, lifting his chin a little higher. He breathes in deeply, closing his eyes, willing his heart to settle and his nerve to be strong. His words come out in a rush when he exhales. "I don't really know what I am, I— I've never dated anyone, but I don't think... I want to date... girls..." He trails off and cracks his eyes open. Jake's expression is hard to read. He looks... surprised, but also not? Gentle and encouraging but also... guarded? There's something else there, something that Kyle can't put his finger on. He feels lightheaded with the quickness of his pulse. "I'm not out, and no one knows, so please don't tell anyone. I just— I just wanted you to know that... I do trust you."

He's surprised by how much he means it. He hadn't intended to admit that, but now that it's out in the open... it's true. Kyle isn't sure when he decided to trust Jake, but he does. He's not sure if it's smart or not. Trusting Jake gives him the power to hurt him, but it feels exhilarating to say aloud. All of it. He hadn't told anyone this secret other than his brother.

He's trying to decipher the conflicting look in Jake's eyes. His smile is there, but it's strained in weird ways, and his eyes look kind of glassy, and then—

Then Jake is pulling him into a hug. Kyle finds himself pressed against Jake's broad chest, tightly enough that he can feel the solid strength of him beneath the softness of his shirt. Arms wrap around him, thick and strong. He's so... big. Kyle is enveloped and wrapped up and he feels... safe. His nose brushes Jake's collarbone, and he smells really nice. He buries his face in Jake's chest and hesitantly lifts his arms to wrap around his waist, fingers curling into the back of his shirt.

He breathes in deep and lets out a shuddering breath. He's never been held like this. It's hard to breathe, but not because Jake is squeezing him too hard. It's been a long, long time since he's felt the physical comfort of someone else, and it has his skin tingling. But more than that, he's acutely aware of every point of contact and every shift of Jake's body against his own. Far, far too aware.

Jake's cheek rests atop his head, and he can barely repress the shiver that runs through him. "Thank you for sharing with me," Jake says, mumbling into his hair. "No one's gonna give you a hard time, okay? Not while I'm around."

Kyle sighs, body relaxing into Jake's hold. His fingers clench tightly in his shirt. "Thank you," he says, voice muffled by Jake's chest.

Even after Jake leaves, Kyle finds himself short of breath, heart pounding, and the lingering warmth of Jake's body buzzing across his skin.