After that night, the days began to bleed together. I kept going, but every day was a struggle.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had always been nervous that I wouldn’t be enough for Gavin in some way. I just never knew that a baby would be the issue. Maybe it was an easy way out for him. Maybe he wasn’t as committed as he’d led me to believe.
Every day the depression got worse, which was only exasperated by morning sickness and a lack of energy. My pale reflection showcased the physical representation of how I felt inside. Even my lips were pale.
My heart was broken, my dreams shattered. It took everything in me to get out of bed and get dressed.
Barely two weeks had passed, but it felt like months. I hadn’t heard from him. Not a single text or phone call or even a second look if he saw me at the office.
I felt like I’d done something wrong and I wanted to beg forgiveness, but I hadn’t. The only thing I was guilty of was not insisting he always wear a condom.
I woke up sweaty in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep. The summer heat was unbearable, and my little window air conditioner couldn’t keep up. It left me staring at the ceiling with nothing but my heartache.
I missed him.
Even after what happened, I didn’t hate him. Sure, I was mad at him, but I still loved Gavin. That didn’t mean if he showed up at my door to take me to a nice, cool place to sleep I’d let him sleep next to me, but I’d hear him out.
As tired as I was, I still couldn’t fall asleep. The fatigue was strong, but not enough to send me off to dreamland. It didn’t help that I felt like I was coming down with bronchitis or something. Probably a summer cold.
Julianne granted my request for overtime so I could save up money while on maternity leave. At least I was thinking ahead of things, even if I hadn’t gone to the doctor yet. My appointment was set for Thursday afternoon.
“I wish you’d be there,” I said to the darkness, my fingers drawing circles over my abdomen. Tears began to slide down my temples and into my hair.
I’d had to extend my lease, which came with yet another price increase. Thankfully, the landlord hadn’t rented it out yet. The budget reality was depressing, especially knowing I wouldn’t have any income for at least a month after the baby came, and then there was daycare.
Sadly, staying where I was seemed to be the best option I could find. Even if I was willing to pay more rent, I could only find people looking for roommates, or too far out, or no better than what I had. Which left me right where I was—a place haunted with memories of him. Of happy times.
The temptation to sell the jewelry he gave me was strong, because I needed the money. It would all go toward his baby anyway. But every time I opened up my jewelry box and stared down at the pieces, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t wear them, either.
My parents didn’t know. All they knew was that my boyfriend and I broke up. I just couldn’t tell them.
I couldn’t tell anyone, couldn’t talk to anyone. I had no one in my life anymore to talk to.
That wasn’t true. I did have Josh and his wife, Ava, but they had a baby and a life of their own. I didn’t want to bother them too much with my problems; they had plenty of their own. Plus, they were being nice and friendly, but it was a new friendship that I didn’t want to abuse, even though Ava was the one going to my doctor’s appointment with me.
As weird as that was going with a virtual stranger, I was unbelievably happy to not be going alone.
After another hour of lying there, I managed to gather enough strength to get up and take a shower. The cool water felt refreshing as it hit my skin.
By the time I was dressed and ready, it was only six, leaving me two hours before start time, but I could go in as early as seven. Better than staring up at my ceiling for an hour. At least I’d get paid.
There were only a few cars in the parking lot, and I was able to get movie-star parking—right by the elevators. Luckily the little coffee shop in the lobby opened at six and they had food, so I was able to grab some granola topped with fruit and a decaf coffee.
When seven rolled around, I headed up to my desk, making sure to get a refill before I left. I was just sitting down, stuffing my purse into a drawer, when a rich, deep voice hit my ears, and I froze.
The blood pumped loudly in my veins as my heart hammered in my chest.
His voice. Gavin.
He was walking, his voice moving. I kept still, and stayed bent over so maybe I wouldn’t be seen.
“Can I get those reports by noon?”
“Noon? You’re not asking for much,” Julianne said.
“Noon,” he stressed.
There was a pause before Julianne let out a sigh. “How long have you been here?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does. Did you sleep here? I swear you wore that tie yesterday. Plus, you’ve been a moody asshole lately.”
There was a whispered, “Fuck,” before he sighed. “It’s personal.”
The dichotomy inside me was ripping me apart. On one hand, my body sang at the feel of him so near, but on the other, I broke more knowing he wouldn’t care.
All I wanted was his arms around me after I slapped him for his behavior.
“Your girlfriend?” Another pause. “What’s going on? You look like hell.”
“I feel like it, but it’s just something I’m trying to work through.”
Work through? There was nothing to work through. He’d refused to talk to me and moved out. Pretty concrete to me.
I let out a shuddered breath as tears slipped down my cheeks. As much as I wanted him, if he didn’t want us, I wouldn’t force him. All I wanted to know was why, so that I could tell our child when they asked where their daddy was.
Because I still had no clue what had happened.
“Thank you so much for coming with me, Ava,” I said.
I couldn’t go to my first appointment by myself, and Ava had volunteered. No amount of thank yous could cover how much I needed a friend to hold my hand. She met me at the doctor’s office and sat with me as I filled out all the forms.
“You’re more than welcome. I can’t imagine going alone, so let me know and I’ll be here whenever you need me.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
The paperwork at the doctor’s office was tedious. So much information was needed about my health as well as my family’s. It was giving me a headache.
“It’s your birthday today?” Ava asked as she looked down at my form.
I blinked at her, then at the current date. Sure enough, it was my birthday. That was probably why my mom had called. I’d have to remember to call her later, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk to her, especially not when she was going to drill me about my boyfriend. All of that would lead to me telling her I was pregnant, and I just wasn’t ready to do that. Mostly because I had no answers about why Gavin and I had broken up.
“I guess so.”
“We should go out to dinner to celebrate,” she said.
I shook my head. “We don’t need to celebrate.”
“Look at me, Emma.”
I raised my head, our eyes meeting. With all that was going on, celebrating my birthday wasn’t high on my priorities.
“This isn’t the end of the world,” she said. “I know you’re hurting something awful, but you need to still be able to celebrate you.”
“Emma?” a voice called out from the door, thankfully ending the conversation.
“Yes,” I said as I stood, Ava right behind me.
The nurse took us back to an exam room and immediately set up to draw blood.
“Why do you have to take so much?”
“We will do a pregnancy test here as well as send out a full set of laboratory tests to check for a multitude of other things,” the nurse said as she wrapped a tube around my upper arm.
My eyes went wide. “Other things?”
“Everything will be fine,” Ava said as she squeezed my other hand.
It wasn’t that I was scared of needles, but I didn’t necessarily like them. I distracted myself my looking at Ava, but desperately wished she were Gavin.
He should’ve been the one beside me.
A tear slipped down my cheek, and Ava rubbed my hand as she offered me a small smile.
The nurse left, taking half my blood with her, and with a promise that the doctor would be in shortly.
“You’re doing great,” Ava said.
It was only a few seconds later that the door opened again.
“Emma? I’m Dr. Carmichael,” a woman said as she entered. She had a soft, friendly smile that somehow put me at ease.
“Hi. This is my friend, Ava.” I gestured beside me.
The doctor smiled at Ava. “Hello.”
“Hi.”
“Let’s start with the basics, okay?”
I nodded as she went through a standard list of questions, the biggest being when my last period was.
“How are you feeling?”
I blew out a breath. “Nauseous. Tired. Nervous.”
She nodded. “That’s typical at this time. Your body is going through a major change.” She looked over to her computer. “Looks like your date of conception was probably June eight.”
When she said the date, I froze. It was one I would always remember—the day I was fired. That morning Gavin had pulled me back into the shower.
“Emma?” Ava whispered.
“It’s nothing. I just . . . remember it.” I remembered the cold of the tile, the hot, crackling energy that always moved between us, the way he filled me. I also remembered him pulling out, but not until after his cock pulsed once inside me.
“That would make your due date March second.”
March. Nearly eight months to get everything ready.
She pulled away from the computer and stood, then handed me what looked like a thin paper sheet. “I’m going to go get a nurse to help me. While I’m gone, take off everything below the waist, put this on, and sit on the table, okay?”
“Okay.”
She headed out, and Ava turned around to give me some privacy. It wasn’t until I was undoing my pants that I noticed just how much the waistband was pressing against my skin when it hadn’t a few weeks prior, which then led me to the realization I was going to need more clothes. It wasn’t a lot, but enough that the interior button left an imprint on my skin.
Once done, we waited only a minute before she was back with a nurse pushing a screen on wheels with some other gadgets.
“Go ahead and lie back for me,” she said as the nurse pulled out the stirrups.
The stirrups seemed odd, but I did as she asked. My ass felt like it was on display. Technically it was, along with everything else. It wasn’t something I was comfortable with, but was probably going to have to get used to.
The doctor held up a long rod on a cord and I stared at it, confused, as she lowered it.
“Wait, that’s going where? I thought they just ran it over the tummy.”
She smiled at me. “This early, we do a transvaginal ultrasound. We can get a good picture this way.”
The thing was huge. “At least it’s wearing a condom.”
Ava giggled beside me, and I caught the smile on the doctor’s face along with the nurse.
I stared up at the ceiling as she pushed it in. It felt so strange to have someone sticking something inside me, then came an odd sensation. There wasn’t much discomfort as it was just a lot of pressure.
“There’s your baby,” Dr. Carmichael said.
I whipped my head over to look at the screen. There, in the middle of a dark, black spot, was a little white peanut shape. Tears slipped from my eyes as emotion took over. A baby. Our baby, and Gavin missed it.
“Why is there no heartbeat?” I asked, and a sudden panic overwhelmed me.
“The heart has just developed and the sound waves aren’t loud enough, but don’t worry, give it another week or two and you’ll hear it loud and clear.”
I looked to Ava, who smiled. “It’s amazing, isn’t it?”
I nodded and looked back to the screen. There were no words to describe the feeling that took hold as I stared at my baby. My baby. The timing and situation weren’t ideal, but that didn’t matter. I fell in love instantly and completely.
“You’re progressing well, but I want you to get on a prenatal right away,” Dr. Carmichael said as she pulled the sensor out.
After I had my clothes back on, she loaded me up with information and a promise to pick up some vitamins. I was to return in a little over a month, and I hoped Gavin would come with me.
At least I had a picture of our little peanut, if I ever saw him again.
The days following my appointment were rough. I did as the doctor advised and got some prenatal vitamins, but I had a feeling something other than my pregnancy was to blame for my fatigue.
I had pinned the ultrasound picture to my cube wall. A reminder of why I was working so hard—my peanut.
“How’s the bean doing today?” Josh asked when he came in.
Every day for weeks I’d been early, but today was late, arriving just as the clock struck eight. I barely had the strength to get out of bed.
“Another day.”
His brow furrowed as he looked at me. “Are you sure?”
“Are you trying to say I don’t look so good?”
He nodded. “You should go see the doctor.”
I kind of hated that he was telling me what I knew but didn’t want to admit. “Breathing is a bit more difficult.”
“Emma, if you’re sick, you need to see the doctor. Breathing issues aren’t good.”
I nodded in agreement. “I’ll make an appointment.”
There was no way I was calling then, so I decided to wait until my lunch break. The problem was that the longer I was there, the worse things seemed to get.
Every hour that passed, the heavier my body seemed to get. It wasn’t that it was much worse from the morning, just more noticeable.
Until my vision blurred. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t focus. Added to that was that the shortness of breath and my heart hammering in my chest.
Something was wrong, and it was getting worse.
“Emma, are you okay?” Josh asked.
My head was swimming as I stood. A drink. That would help.
Just as I turned to look at Josh, everything shifted. I felt myself falling, but before I even hit the ground, everything was black.
One last thing rang out in my mind. The one thing I needed.
Gavin.