I woke up next morning with a pain in my head like a jackhammer pounding through concrete.

I turned over, looking for Steph, then remembered she never showed up last night. Paul must have told her what I’d done. What an asshole I’d been. I’d be lucky if anyone wanted to talk to me for a while.

To be honest, I was glad Steph wasn’t there. Sure, I fucked her from time to time, but I never felt good afterwards. I never liked waking up next to her. I always hated myself. Being with anyone but Carolyn still hurt like crazy and made me feel like a piece of shit. Using Steph didn’t make me feel good either.

I looked at the clock next to my bed. Six a.m. on the dot. I was so set in my routine I didn’t need to set an alarm anymore. I woke at the crack of dawn each morning and caught the early morning surf.

It took a long time to get like this though. For months, getting out of bed was a struggle. Getting back into the ocean took even longer.

The accident shook me to my core. Robbed me of everything and everyone I’d ever loved. If I’d had the courage to kill myself, I would have. I honestly don’t know what kept me from doing it. Other than surfing that is.

I went to the back deck to get a wetsuit off the clothesline. It was another perfect, cloudless day and it was already warming up. I came back in the house and noticed the crumpled up picture of Carolyn next to my keys and wallet on the kitchen table. Proof that the shit show last night hadn’t just been a bad dream.

I flattened the picture and put it up on my fridge next to the other pictures of Carolyn and her daughter, Tamara. I paused to look at them but quickly walked away to get changed before I got sucked into another pit of depression.

I loved getting on the water early in the morning because not many people were out yet and it was peaceful. The best spot to surf wasn’t far down the highway. It was a gorgeous spot and always had perfect waves. I grabbed my things, got in my Jeep, and headed there.

The parking lot on top of the cliff was empty when I pulled up. A steep, winding trail led down from the cliffs to the beach but before heading down, I went to my lookout point. I always went there before my surf. It’s a patch of grass covered with wildflowers on an outcrop of rock hidden by trees. I go there and look out at the ocean, the morning mist rising off the water, and try to find some sort of peace inside.

Memories of Carolyn and Tamara playing and laughing in the wildflowers flashed through my mind. The girls loved it there. It was our weekly tradition to pack a picnic and come here to eat dinner and watch the sunset. Carolyn was an amazing cook and an even better mother. Sometimes, she’d make crowns for her and Tamara out of the wild flowers. Tamara fell over laughing when Carolyn made one for me too.

I never knew Tamara’s father. Carolyn was single when I met her. I’d heard about him though.

I heard about the time he threw Tamara’s puppy off a two hundred foot high bridge just to see what would happen when he hit the water. I heard about the time he held Carolyn’s head under the water in the bathtub until she almost passed out. I saw with my own eyes the bruises, scars, and cigarette burns on both Carolyn and Tamara.

Tamara was four years old when Carolyn finally decided she couldn’t take the abuse any longer. She was terrified to leave, but she was more terrified of the kind of life her daughter would have if she stayed.

One night when her ex was passed out drunk on the couch, she packed up the car and left with Tamara in the middle of the night. She drove for hours and didn’t have any idea where she was running to. She had no one to turn to and no where to go. It was pure survival instinct that kept her going.

She didn’t stop until she reached the ocean.

That’s when I met her. I’d just finished my morning surf. I was soaking wet and carrying my board up the path to the parking lot. This is the exact spot I first laid eyes on her. She was glowing in the morning sun like an angel, her little daughter asleep in her arms. She smiled at me and in that moment I knew she was the woman I’d been looking for all my life.

From then on, we were inseparable. I helped Carolyn get set up and start her new life here in Pismo Beach. She literally had nothing with her, no clothes, no furniture, and no money. I insisted they stay with me while they got settled. Days grew into weeks, and weeks grew into months and they never ended up finding their own place. I didn’t want them to. I loved having them in my home with me. I spent all my time with those two girls. When I was with them, I felt whole.

It didn’t take Tamara long to warm up to me. I never thought I wanted kids until she came into my life. The way she looked at me, the way she laughed when I threw her in the air, or clung to me when I tried to send her to kindergarten, made me feel like she was my very own flesh and blood. And that’s how I loved her, like she was my own.

One night, about a year after they moved in, I walked past Tamara’s room as Carolyn was tucking her in for the night. I heard Tamara say she wished I was her real dad, and Carolyn said she did too.

That was the only time in my life I ever cried from happiness.

The next morning I asked Tamara for permission to marry her mother. I was nervous, even though I knew she’d say yes. We planned my proposal together, taking extra care to make sure it would be as romantic as possible. Tamara insisted we make her breakfast in bed and hide the ring in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Of all the places to put an expensive engagement ring, that was about my last choice, but who was I to argue with the romantic imagination of the cutest girl in the world?

I could tell Carolyn knew something was up when she caught me nervously watching her take a bite out of the sandwich. I was half nervous about asking her, and half nervous she’d choke on the damn thing. Although my nerves didn’t give it away as much as Tamara did when she leapt to her feet on our bed and asked if the ring was in her mouth yet.

We all laughed and within seconds Carolyn’s laughter turned to tears of happiness when she opened the sandwich and found the ring.

I took it from her and cleaned it off before putting it on her finger. I told them both how much I loved them, and how my life only became complete when I found them. I promised I would never do anything to hurt them. I swore I would always protect them and keep them safe. They’d been through enough pain and suffering, and I vowed to keep them from it always.

Carolyn said yes, over and over, and then we kissed passionately. Tamara wrapped her little arms around both of us and giggled in happiness. They were my family, and everyday I thanked God for bringing them into my life.

I felt my body tense and my fists clench as I stared out at the ocean. I took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. It was hard to think that terrible things could happen in a world as beautiful as the one before my eyes. I bent down and picked the two most beautiful wildflowers in the patch and headed back to my jeep to grab my board.

The ocean water was always cooler in the morning, but that’s the way I liked it. The cold hit me in a cleansing, refreshing way. I held the flowers between my teeth, climbed on my board, and paddled out into the waves, following the path of light toward the rising sun. I sat up on my board, holding the wildflowers in my hand. Softly, I said the prayer that Carolyn, Tamara and I said together every single morning.

Dear Lord,

Please keep your loving arms around our family. Keep us always protected, secured, loved and blessed.

Amen

I put the wildflowers in the ocean in front of me. They drifted away as I watched the first wave of the morning rise up before me. I paddled hard, caught the wave just as it was taking shape, and let the ocean take control.