Go back to where I came from?

If only I could.

I don’t have a home anymore.

I slouched in the booth and continued to sob. What was going on with me and everyone around me? Maybe he was right. It felt like all I had done since I arrived in Pismo Beach was cry. I was getting all kinds of attention since I got there, but all the wrong kind.

It was like the universe had it in for me.

“Oh sweetheart. I’m so sorry. What just happened? Kane came over here to apologize to you, what went wrong?”

I was startled when Sandra sat down in the booth with me. I was so embarrassed, but there was something comforting about her.

“That guy is awful,” I said. “For some reason he seems to be out to get me. Every time I bump into him it’s a disaster. I don’t even know what I said.”

“Trust me. It’s not you. He’s been through some heavy things and he doesn’t have the best handle on his emotions.”

“You can say that again.”

Sandra sighed. “I know. I can’t make excuses for him, but he’s a complicated guy.”

“Everyone’s got their issues,” I said. “What makes him so special?”

“Well, you want the long version or the short?”

I looked at Sandra with an expression that said I wanted to know why this guy seemed to be trying to singlehandedly ruin my life.

She took a deep breath.

“A couple years ago there was a tragic accident in town that shook everyone, but it destroyed Kane.”

“What kind of accident?” I said, thinking about the ways Kane had acted around me and trying to make sense of things.

“He had his heart broken in the worst way imaginable. I shouldn’t say more though. He’s very private. You saw that for yourself already. He’d be livid if he knew we were talking about him. Especially what happened that day.”

“Yeah, I mentioned I saw him surfing and he flipped out.”

“Well, trust me on one thing, Meadow. It’s not you. Try not to take his behavior personally.”

“It’s kind of hard when he’s calling me fat, blowing up in front of me, losing his shit.”

“I know. I know. You’ve really seen the worst side of him, but he’s actually got a good heart.”

“I’ll have to see it to believe it,” I said, and knew I sounded harsher than I felt.

“Actually, he’s got one of the best hearts I’ve ever known,” Sandra said.

That made me feel kind of bad. It’s never a good sign when a guy with a good heart seems to hate your guts. It made me wonder if maybe he was right. Maybe it was me who was the problem.

“Well, I’ll have to take your word for it,” I said. “Because clearly he’s not making an effort to show me that he has a heart at all.”

I forced myself not to cry any more. Sandra had already put up with enough emotion from me. She hardly knew me and was being so kind. I poked at the food on my plate and gave her a weak smile.

“You really seem to be have having a rough go. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it? I don’t mean to pry, but it seems like maybe you could use a friend.”

I looked at her. I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about things, especially with someone I’d just met. She was kind, she had trusting eyes, but I’d been through a lot with Matt and it was a long story. I didn’t want to burden her with my tale of betrayal, crushed dreams, and a broken heart.

Why would she care? I was just a random customer.

“I’m sorry, Sandra. I really didn’t mean to create a scene in here this morning. I already feel bad enough about what went down at the brewery last night. Let’s just say, it’s been a very interesting couple of days for me.”

Sandra nodded but said nothing, leaving a silence between us that, combined with the kind look in her eyes, made me feel safe enough to say more.

“I wouldn’t even know where to start, honestly. Yesterday, I walked out on my cheating husband and just started driving. I had no plan. I didn’t know where I was going. I still don’t know where I’m going. But I know I can’t go back. I refuse to. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that I deserve better than the life I had with my husband. Kane told me to go home, but the reality is I don’t have a home.”  

Sandra reached out and put her hand on my shoulder.

“Wow. No wonder you’re feeling so emotional.”

I nodded.

“I can’t help but notice the giant engagement ring on your necklace. You keep playing with it.”   “Nervous tick,” I said. I stopped fidgeting with my necklace and clenched the engagement ring in a fist. I hadn’t even noticed I was playing with it. She caught me off guard by bringing it up. In the whirlwind of the last twenty-four hours, I didn’t realize I still had it around my neck. I had given the wedding band off my finger to those bikers, but I didn’t give them my engagement ring.

Had I really forgotten about it in the rush of the moment?

Or had I subconsciously held onto it because I didn’t want to believe the marriage was actually over?

Did I still have it around my neck because deep down, I hoped I’d end up back with Matt? Was it my way of staying attached to him? I’d been married to Matt for so many years. The engagement ring was all I had left to show it had ever even happened.

Sandra looked at me like she was worried she’d gone too far with her questions.

“I hate cheaters,” Sandra said. “Getting news like that is the worst pain the world. It must have been such a shock.”

I nodded. “I guess I’d known for years, but I never fully admitted it to myself until yesterday.” “I’m really sorry, Meadow.”

“I just feel like such an idiot, you know? I should have left him years ago. The marriage was over almost before it even started. What does it say about me that I stayed with him so long?”

“It says it was a difficult decision to make.”

“I threatened to leave before, and I meant it. Last time I caught him I was sure I was done with him. But he begged me to stay. He begged and begged. He made so many promises, gave me so many gifts, even said we could start a family. That was when I stopped wearing my engagement ring. I was too upset with him. I kept the wedding band on, but I put the engagement ring around my neck. I said it would stay there until we had a marriage I could believe in again.”

“Your poor heart. You deserve better than that. Good for you for leaving him.”

“He betrayed me, he broke all of my trust. He broke my heart. He broke me, Sandra. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fix myself.”

I could feel my eyes begin to fill with tears again. Sandra took my hand in hers.

“The first time I caught him, we were just newlyweds. I never told him I knew. I kept it a secret and tried to forgive him because we were young and I was desperate to be a good wife. But he did it over and over and I started to wonder if it was my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Meadow. Don’t believe that for a single second.”

“I thought about leaving him for years, but I could never find the courage to do it. I had become so dependent on him. I thought I needed him to survive.”

A bell rang above the door and Sandra looked up.

“Shoot. I’m sorry. I have to get back to work. We’re so short staffed. It’s only me running the place today. I want to hear the rest of this, Meadow. I really hope you stick around. Don’t listen to Kane. Pismo Beach is a great place for you to start over, and you have as much right as anyone to be here.”

I smiled. It was nice to feel wanted for a change.

“Oh, and don’t worry about the bill. This one’s on me. And not because I don’t think you can take care of yourself!”

I laughed. She was making a joke, but the truth was, I really was scared of proving I could fend for myself without Matt. I’d never in my life earned a single dollar. I wanted to think like Sandra, I wanted to believe that Matt was wrong about me, but I was scared.

I thanked her and packed up to leave. Before walking away, she stopped and asked one more question.

“I have to know, Meadow. What was different about yesterday? What finally gave you the courage to leave?”

I paused to think about it for a moment.

“I guess you could say I finally felt I had protection. Matt cheated on me with a girl who had something I never had. She had a Brotherhood of guys who were willing to stand up for her. They opened the door to a new life for me, and showed me I had the strength and courage to walk through it.”