“Sebastian.” Tess’s voice washes over me from behind, and I instantly feel like I’ve been sucked under a tidal wave. Water whips around me, pulling me further under the weight until I feel like I’m suffocating.
My skin prickles, my body all too aware of her nearness. I try to move, try to speak or even think, but the pressure continues to hold me under. It takes several seconds for me to find my way to the surface, able to suck in a deep shaky breath before turning to face her.
The second those blue eyes hit me, all the air leaves my body a second time, only this feels a million times worse than just hearing her voice. Seeing her face, seeing the pain and hurt so clearly etched in every single beautiful feature and knowing I put it all there is almost more than I can bear.
“I’m late for work.” I hear my voice but it doesn’t sound right. It’s too forced, too panicked to come out as anything other than desperate.
“Oh.” She seems surprised by my excuse, her eyes full of apprehension.
Fuck, why does she have to be so fucking beautiful?
All I want to do is reach out and touch her perfect skin, tuck a piece of her silky hair behind her ear the way I always used to, kiss those soft pink lips that have always been my undoing. All I want is her, and yet I insist on denying myself.
It’s for her own good. It’s easier this way.
But is it really? She looks so sad. How can any of this be good?
Because you crossed a point of no return, my inner voice continues to argue. I put her in danger, I hurt her, I did things I swore I’d never do, and now I have to suffer the consequences.
I’m not good enough for Tess, I never was. Staying with her will only result in me hurting her even more. Staying with her will eventually soil all the things I love about her until there are no parts left of the young innocent girl I fell in love with.
Pissed off at myself, I slam my locker closed and take off down the hallway without so much as another word.
I don’t expect Tess to follow me. I expect her to let me walk away the same way I’ve been doing for weeks. So needless to say, I’m not prepared when she rounds on me again just as I reach my Jeep in the back row of the parking lot.
“You’re a coward, you know that?” Her voice is eerily calm and when I finally turn to face her again her expression has morphed into something I never expected to see when she looked at me—hate.
She should hate me—I deserve it—but seeing the emotion so prominent on her face makes me realize how much I had hoped she never would.
“Tess.” I sigh, running a hand through my hair.
I don’t know how much strength I have left. I can feel myself caving more and more with every second that passes.
“No,” she cuts me off. “Don’t’ you dare. Don’t you dare blow me off with some lame ass excuse about working. God.” She throws her hands up in exasperation. “How stupid do you think I am?” Her voice breaks at the end, and it takes everything in me not to pull her into my arms.
When I fail to say even one damn word she quickly continues.
“Tomorrow is your last day here.” She gestures behind her to the school. “This is it. This is all we get. You’re leaving in two weeks, Sebastian. Two weeks. Is this really how you want our story to end? After everything we’ve been through? You’re just going to walk away after one incident and never speak to me again?”
I can see the tears brimming her eyes, but she manages to push them down. Thank fuck. I don’t think I could handle her tears right now.
“I don’t get it,” she continues. “I don’t get how you go from the sweetest guy I’ve ever met to the biggest asshole in the world overnight. Newsflash—I didn’t do anything to you. So why are you treating me like I’m public enemy number one?”
I try to fight down my emotion, try to hold it in the way I have been since everything fell to shit, but I feel it boiling to the surface. I feel every ounce of anger and sadness locked inside threatening to pour out of me, and I’m not sure I have the ability to contain it any longer.
“Because I have to, Tess.” My voice explodes between us, but she doesn’t budge an inch, doesn’t even flinch like somehow she knew it was coming. “Don’t you fucking get it? I can’t be around you. I can’t talk to you or look at you without wanting to be with you, and I can’t be with you. I can’t.”
“Bullshit!” she calls right back, her voice just as loud. “You CAN be with me. You’re the only thing keeping us apart, Sebastian. You.” She points at my chest. “You can make all of this stop—all of it—it’s all in your hands.”
“I’m not good for you, Tess,” I start but am immediately cut off.
“Don’t give me that I’m not good for you bullshit. You are good for me. You’ve always been good for me. So you made one mistake. So what! You’re human. You’re allowed. That’s no reason to deny yourself the ability to be happy.”
“You just don’t get it, Tess. I could’ve killed you.”
“But you didn’t. God, why do insist on making this situation so much worse than it is? You didn’t do anything to me. I’m alive and well. See! Do you see me?” she screams, eyes wide and voice strained as she gestures to herself. “What you’re doing now—what you’ve been doing these past few weeks—is a million times worse than what you did that night. Maybe if you weren’t so hell-bent on punishing yourself you’d see that.”
“I don’t want to see it, Tess.” My tone is borderline crazed, my hands shaking uncontrollably. “I don’t want to look at you anymore. I don’t want to hear your voice or think of you every time I smell lavender. I don’t want to see your eyes when I close mine or feel your smile against my neck like you used to do right before you’d kiss it. I don’t want you to be the last thing I think of when I go to sleep or the first thing that crosses my mind when I wake up. I just want you to go away, Tess. I want you to leave me alone and let me forget you. Because it’s fucking killing me. It’s killing me.” I stress the last sentence, not aware of the tears swimming in my eyes until I feel one trickle down my face.
“Sebastian,” she chokes, her voice clogged with emotion.
“I can’t do this, Tess. I can’t. Your mom was right.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “She trusted me with your safety, and I betrayed her—and you. But it’s not just about that night. It’s what that night made me realize.” I take both of her hands in mine. “You loved me so much you were willing to give up everything to be with me, including Columbia. And, Tess, I would’ve let you. I would’ve let you follow me around and live my dream never once considering what you were giving up for me. I refuse to do that to you. You deserve more, Tess. You deserve so much more, and even if it kills me I’m going to make sure you get it.”
“I just want you,” she sobs, the action splintering my already cracked heart.
“And I just want you. But I can’t let you give up everything you’ve worked so hard for. I won’t. I love you, Tessa Wilson. I love you like I’ve never loved another person in my entire life. But I have to let you go. I have to. I just need you to let me go, too.”
“I don’t know how,” she whimpers, her shoulders shaking as sobs rake her body.
“Neither do I,” I admit. “But I choose to believe that this is not goodbye forever. You are a part of me now, Tess, and no matter where life takes us or how much time stretches between us, that is one thing that will never change. You showed me what it means to be loved and to love someone—really love someone—and for that, I will be eternally grateful. I’m just sorry I couldn’t say all this to you weeks ago, but I’m saying it now. I love you, Tess. I love you so fucking much.”
I lose the battle not to pull her into my arms. Within seconds she’s against my chest, her tears soaking the thin fabric of my t-shirt as she clings to me like her life depends on it, and damn it if I don’t let her. Because I feel it too, knowing that the moment she lets go my world is going to be a hell of a lot darker, and I’m just not sure I’m ready for that yet.
This isn’t how I intended for it all to go down. In a way, I think I hoped by shutting her out she would grow to hate me which would make leaving her that much easier. Now I see how wrong I was. Having her hate me was never the solution. I should’ve just been honest with her from the start, told her the truth about why I pushed her away, but honestly, I don’t know if I would’ve had the strength before now.
I’m not sure how long we stand there, wrapped in each other’s arms, saying a silent goodbye that neither of us really wants, but I think both acknowledge that we need.
By the time we finally pull apart the parking lot is almost empty and there’s a sudden heaviness around us, like the weight of everything has leaked into the very air we breathe.
Without a word, I help her into my Jeep and we make the quick drive to her house in silence. I make sure to park a few houses down when we finally reach her street, not wanting her mom to see her with me.
Tess stares out the window blankly for several long moments before she finally speaks, not once looking in my direction. “I don’t think I can do this, Sebastian,” she admits, her voice weak.
“You can, Tess. We can,” I reassure her, not sure who the hell I’m trying to convince.
“I’ll miss you every single day.” She chokes on another sob working its way out of her throat. “Every day,” she repeats, taking a deep shaky breath and letting it out slowly, her eyes still fixed out the window. “I love you.” The last part is a strangled cry as she quickly climbs out of the Jeep and takes off down the sidewalk not once looking in my direction.
I watch her walk away, letting go of the emotion I’ve been fighting to keep in from the moment her voice sounded behind me. I cry for the girl I love, for her pain, for mine. I punch my steering wheel and curse myself until my voice is hoarse, and my eyes feel so heavy I don’t know if I can manage to keep them open any longer.
I cry until I simply have no tears left to fall, and then I do the only thing I can do; I take one last deep breath and drive away. Leaving behind the only girl I’ve ever loved, praying like hell I made the right choice for not just her, but for me as well.