“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” I’m on Sebastian’s heels seconds after he steps out on the sidewalk.
“Just leave it, Tess.”
“Leave it? You show up here announced after three years, lay all that on me back there, and then you just walk away?” I grab his arm, forcing him to stop and look at me.
“Tess,” he warns, eyes anywhere but on me.
“Tell me what you want, Sebastian,” I plead.
“You!” he screams. “Fuck, Tess, I just want you.”
“But only the way you want me, right?” I bite back. “It’s been three years, Sebastian. Three years,” I stress. “You can’t just show up here and demand that everything go back to the way it was. Life doesn’t work that way.” I soften my voice. “Did it ever occur to you that I miss you just as much as you miss me? That this has been just as hard for me? That I too always look for you first when anything happens? I still love you, Sebastian. I’ve never stopped. Not for one single second. But things are different now.”
“Because of him?” he drags out.
“Because of me.” I look down at where my hand is still on his arm, having not realized I hadn’t pulled it back once he stopped.
I stare at our point of connection, my hand tingling all the way up my arm like an electric current that runs through him and into me. When I meet his gaze again I know he feels it too, and that makes what I’m about to say a million times harder.
“If you were moving to New York it would be a discussion I’d be willing to have. I’m not saying one way or the other, but I wouldn’t rule it out entirely. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. But you’re not moving to New York, Sebastian. You’re going home, to California. And even though you might be willing to walk away from it out of desperation and fear of losing me, we’re still in the same place we’ve always been. One of us not willing to let the other give up what they really want. I won’t be the reason why you turn down a job I’m sure doesn’t come around every day or the reason you stay in New York when all you’ve wanted for years was to go back to California.”
“But it’s just a state, and it’s just a job. There are other places I can live, and there will be other jobs, Tess. But there’s no other you.” When he reaches out and cups my cheek, I swear every single emotion I’ve kept bottled inside comes rushing to the surface.
Love.
Anger.
Fear.
Pain.
They all bleed together in the most overwhelming concoction, and I can’t seem to swallow them back down no matter how hard I try.
“I love you, Tess,” he whispers, his other hand sliding around to the small of my back as he guides me toward him, pulling me flush against his chest.
I give myself one minute. That’s it. Just one minute to breathe in his scent, to remember what it was to be held by him, to listen to his heart beating against my ear. Just one minute and then I know I have to muster the courage to say no.
I don’t want to, though.
I wish I could say Bennett makes it easier, that knowing I have him makes the choice bearable, but it simply does not. Because Sebastian and Bennett are divided in my heart and in my mind; neither play into the decisions I make about the other because they are loved by two sides of me that will never touch. The part of my heart that beats only for Sebastian and then the other half that finally believes it’s possible to love another, maybe not in the same way but no less just the same.
When I finally pull back, managing to put a few inches between us, tears are forming at the corners of my eyes. I blink rapidly hoping I can fight them down, but one look up at Sebastian and they topple over. I can feel my heart breaking all over again—the pain almost too much to bear—and a sense of panic washes over me.
I don’t want him to leave.
I don’t want to wait another month or year or longer to look at his face and feel what I feel looking at him now.
I don’t want this to the end.
And yet, at the same time, I know it would never work.
I know he can read it all over my face, but it doesn’t make the words any less difficult to force out.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
When he blinks tears pool in his eyes, but not a single one falls.
“Go to California, Sebastian. Take your incredible job offer, and go home. Find happiness. Find love. Find peace. I want all of those things for you.” And while I mean every word, the thought of him loving someone that isn’t me is damn near crippling.
He takes a deep breath in and then slowly lets it out, resolve spreading across his face.
“Okay.” The word is barely off his lips before his hands come up to cup my face on both sides. “I’ll go to California. I’ll take the job, and I’ll live my life. But do not for one second think that this is me walking away again. I know what I want now, Tess. In fact, it’s never been clearer. I’ve grown up a lot over the years, and I’ve learned some very valuable life lessons—as I’m sure you have as well. We’re not the same kids we once were, and yet when I look at you, it’s like I’m seventeen all over again; neither time nor distance has lessened my love for you. I’ve made my choice, Tess, and I choose you. I don’t care if I have to wait five more years—
you are my girl, and I will wait as long as I have to.”
“Don’t do that,” I croak. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You don’t know what the future holds. You don’t know where you’ll be come that time. You might move to California and meet the girl of your dreams.”
“I’ve already met her,” he cuts me off. “And she’s the most fucking beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Sebastian.”
“I’m serious, Tess. You are mine. You’ve always been mine. I don’t care what you tell yourself or your boyfriend—facts are facts, and deep down you know who you belong to. This.” He slides a hand to my chest and splays his palm on top of my raging heart. “This knows who it belongs to. And when it’s ready, when you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”
With that, he leans forward and presses a soft kiss to my cheek. I hold my breath, waiting, hoping that his lips will find mine next. I know I shouldn’t want it. I know how wrong it is. But I can’t help it.
Disappointment settles in my chest the instant he pulls back, followed by an immense wave of guilt.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I’ve finally found someone new, someone who makes me happy, and here I am willing to throw it all away for one kiss that will likely only succeed in hurting me further.
I know Sebastian says he’ll wait, but I’m not entirely sure what he’s going to be waiting for. I don’t know what the future holds or where my life will go. And he can’t promise me that he does either.
“Until then,” he finally murmurs before stepping away.
I feel the loss of him everywhere, and it’s deafening. My body pleads with me to bring him back. To pull him close and never let him go because he’s right—
it knows where it belongs. I know where I belong.
But things aren’t always so black and white.
I open my mouth just as Sebastian turns away, but nothing comes out. I watch him shove his hands into his pockets and tilt his head toward the ground, and for what feels like the hundredth time, I watch him walk away.
With each step he takes I want to call out to him, to stop him. But words and actions fail me.
Maybe it’s because I’m afraid. I’m afraid to go there with him again only to have it all fall apart.
Maybe it’s because deep down I know it would never work, and I don’t think I could survive the loss of him a second time. In fact, I know I wouldn’t.
Maybe it’s because of the happiness Bennett has brought to my life over the past few months and that I’m not ready to walk away from him yet because what we have could be incredible—could being the operative word.
Or maybe it’s a combination of all of these things that has me rooted to the spot, unable to stop Sebastian from walking away.
***
“I can’t believe you told him where to find me,” I seethe, repeating the same statement I’ve said several times since finding out Courtney is the one who gave Sebastian the address to my dorm. “You’re supposed to be on my side here.”
“I am on your side,” Court objects.
“Then how could you just let him show up here and not even give me the slightest heads up about it?” I pace back and forth inside my small dorm room, unable to shake the nervous jittery feeling I’ve had since the moment Sebastian arrived.
“Because I didn’t think he’d actually do it,” she cuts in.
“And you didn’t think I deserved to know that it was even a possibility? He showed up here to find me with Bennett, Court. Do you have any idea the position that put me in?”
“I’m sorry, okay? I just…”
“You just what?” I snap, directing my frustration at her when I know it’s not her fault.
“I didn’t want you to get your hopes up,” she says almost apologetically.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that even though you don’t talk about Sebastian anymore, I know you still love him. And no matter how much you wish you could deny it, had I told you he was coming and then him not shown up, a part of you would’ve been devastated.”
I know she’s right. Of course, I do. But that doesn’t erase the sting I feel finding out after all this time that Courtney and Sebastian have been in contact behind my back. The fact that they’ve spoken at all since we parted ways leaves me with a sick sense of betrayal—even though neither of them really did anything wrong.
She claims it was just so she could tell Sebastian how I was. That he would call or text every few weeks just to check in. She says he always only ever talked about me, and he wanted to know everything I was up to each and every time they spoke. She said she could tell how miserable he was without me—how much he missed me—but she also said that eventually, the calls became less frequent.
What started as once a week turned into once a month and then once every three months to six months, and then he just stopped calling all together until recently.
I think that’s the part that bothers me the most. The why he stopped calling.
“But he did show up, and yet I’m still devastated. So what did you really accomplish other than keeping something from me that you knew I’d want to know?”
“I really am sorry, Tess. I was just trying to help.”
“Well, maybe next time you’ll see that what would really help is knowing that I can count on you to have my back.”
“Come on, Tess, don’t be like that. Of course, I have your back. Why do you think I even took his calls to begin with?”
“I honestly don’t know,” I admit truthfully.
“Because I knew you’d want me to,” she answers simply. “You loved him so much—hell, you still do. I knew the last thing you wanted was for him to worry about you, to be sad, and god, Tess, he was—he was so sad. So I did what I thought you’d want me to do. I tried to give him some peace. I tried to reassure him that you were doing okay and that you were getting by. I tried to help him heal, Tess. Can you honestly say you would’ve rather me turned my back on him?”
“No.” I let out a loud breath, knowing she’s got me there.
“Exactly, because at the end of the day all you’ve ever wanted is for him to be happy. How could I have turned my back on that knowing how much it meant to you that he find peace and move on? I knew that even if you didn’t know I was talking to him that deep down you would’ve approved. I didn’t just do it for Sebastian, Tess, I did it for you.”
I don’t really know how to respond to that. Luckily, Courtney isn’t finished yet.
“Look, if you need to be mad at me, be mad at me. I get it. I should’ve given you a heads up that he asked for your address. I can see now that it would’ve been better for you to have been prepared and then disappointed rather than totally fucking blindsided. That’s my bad. I really was just trying to help.”
“I know.” I sigh, my anger quickly dissipating.
“So tell me again everything that happened.” I can hear the smile in her voice, knowing that I’ve forgiven her so easily, just she like she knew I would.
“I’ve already told you.”
“No, you yelled at me and rambled off some nonsense about Sebastian and Bennett and having no idea what you were going to do, and then you yelled at me again.” She chuckles.
“I did not yell at you.”
“You did so,” Court says matter of fact.
“Okay, maybe I did.” I smile, shaking my head. “But you deserved it.”
“That may be true, but it also doesn’t change the fact that I still have no real clue what the hell happened. Stop leaving me in suspense and spill, woman!”
And just like that, it’s as though nothing happened between the two of us. Courtney has this innate ability to know exactly what I need even when I don’t. She also knows how to explain herself in a way that makes me feel like I’m the one doing something wrong, which certainly doesn’t hurt her case when she’s trying to talk herself out of a corner.
I guess at the end of the day it really boils down to the fact that I know no matter what the circumstance, Court wouldn’t do something if she didn’t truly believe it was the right thing for me. And I trust her. Sometimes it takes me a minute to get there, but she always has a way of making me see it in the end.
So, after taking a deep breath and sorting my thoughts, I start at the very beginning. Knowing if I have any hopes of processing what happened here today, I’m gonna need my best friend.