My heartbeat is the only thing I can hear. The constant thudding against my ribcage echoing through my ears, making everything sound distorted and far away.
I don’t know how it happened. One minute Bennett is down on one knee, the next my head is nodding yes. I don’t think I even processed what he was asking before just reacting the way I thought I should have, given that every single set of eyes were on us.
Did I really just say yes?
My stomach twists violently and suddenly every single thing in my stomach threatens to come back up.
I quickly look for an escape, my eyes darting toward the house; only the house never comes into view. Instead, they land on the last person that I would want to witness what is currently taking place in the middle of the backyard.
The minute his hazel eyes find mine—the shock and anger so evident—it steals my breath. My legs wobble, and I nearly lose my footing.
I want to go to him but before I can move even a muscle, Bennett is pulling me into his arms, and applause breaks through the static in my ears.
What the hell is happening right now?
I feel so disoriented I can’t seem to process a single moment of it. I’m in my mom’s arms next, followed by Bree who squeezes me excitedly. The second she releases me I immediately turn back to where Sebastian was just moments ago, only this time he’s nowhere to be found.
Did I just imagine he was there?
It isn’t until I catch sight of Courtney’s face that the reality seems to catch back up to me. She looks torn between crying and vomiting which sends off warning bells in my head.
Bennett steps up next to me, dropping his arm around my shoulder making me feel weighted to the ground. I keep my gaze focused on Courtney, learning everything I need to know just by the expression on her face.
Suddenly I feel like I’m on verge of suffocating. I can’t pull enough air in, and tears prick the back of my eyes.
Knowing I need to hold it together, at least for a little while, I fight down the panic I feel clawing its way up my throat and force the best smile I can muster.
***
The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach only intensifies over the next hour. Courtney doesn’t say a word about Sebastian, and neither do I. I know with complete certainty that she had a hand in his being here, I just don’t know why yet.
And then there’s my mom. While I know she really likes Bennett and she seems genuinely happy about this entire ordeal, I can sense something is off with her and yet I can’t pinpoint what.
With her eyes constantly on me, as well as Bree’s and Courtney’s, it’s like they’re just waiting for me to breakdown, like they know it’s coming. I feel scrutinized and on display, and yet a part of me feels like maybe it’s just all in my head. My mind twisting reality to match the guilt and uncertainty in my heart.
The same question I keep going back to over and over is if Bennett had asked me when it was just the two of us, would I have said yes? The fact that I can’t answer that with complete certainty is nagging at me, and I can’t seem to swallow it down no matter how hard I try. And the one thought that plagues me over and over again is becoming harder to ignore.
I have to get out of here.
With each moment that passes, I feel more on edge, more tense, more emotional. I feel like I’m seconds away from splitting apart at the very seams which hold me together.
“I’m gonna run to the bathroom,” I finally say to Bennett, who has yet to leave my side since the whole proposal fiasco. “I’ll be right back.” I force yet another smile before ducking out from underneath his arm.
Before anyone can say anything, I take off into the house. I stumble through the kitchen, my feet feeling like they’ve been weighted by heavy cinder blocks. Each step feels harder to take than the last, but I still manage to propel myself further.
The next thing I know I’m through the front door and out onto the front porch, leaning forward with my hands gripping my knees as I struggle to suck in air. I’ve never had a true, full blown panic attack before, but I have very little doubt that this is exactly what is happening right now.
My senses feel under attack, my lungs unable to pull in enough air, my heart beating so erratically I feel on the verge of a heart attack; the smell of copper strong in my nose and the taste of it heavy on my tongue.
When I look up to see someone sitting on the curb directly in front of the house, I know instantly that it’s Sebastian. I can tell by the width of his broad shoulders and the sun-kissed blond hair that blows in the light breeze.
The panic starts to recede the instant I realize he’s still here, and while the thought is unsettling as to why that might be, I can’t pretend it’s not true. Without thinking I find myself walking toward him. One small step and then another until I’m standing just a foot behind him, watching his shoulders rise and fall with each breath he takes, his knees pulled up and arms draped over them.
“I thought you left.” My voice sounds small, weak, and I hate every second of it.
“I’ve been sitting out here waiting for you, but I gave up that you were coming out about twenty minutes ago,” he responds, his tone flat, eyes fixed straight ahead; not seeming the least bit surprised by my appearance. He lets out a slow exhale and then adds, “I’m waiting for my cab to get here to take me to the airport. Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your way shortly.”
“You’re leaving?”
He lets out a laugh, but it’s not the carefree sound I’m used to. There’s something sinister about the sound, something dark.
Without saying anything else, I slide down next to him, mirroring his posture. He makes no attempt to look at me, and I try my best to keep my eyes directed forward as well. I would guess a good ten minutes have passed before I finally get the nerve to speak again.
“Why did you come here, Sebastian?”
“You know why.” He glances at me out of the corner of his eye. “I meant what I said to you outside of that coffee shop. I’ve been waiting for you. Though it would appear I’ve been alone in this venture.”
“You knew I had a boyfriend,” I weakly argue.
“Trust me, I’m all too aware of your boyfriend. But I’m also aware that you said you loved me; here I thought that was still true.” His voice shakes slightly and only then do I realize how distraught he seems, though he’s doing his damndest to hold it together.
“I do love you.” I lay my hand on his forearm, jumping slightly when he pulls away from my touch.
“If you loved me you wouldn’t have said yes.” He shifts inward to face me straight on, and the hurt in his eyes knocks the wind right out of me. It’s like taking a punch to the stomach; I will the air in, but my lungs have no capacity for it.
“That’s not fair,” I finally manage to croak out.
“I don’t give a fuck what’s fair anymore, Tess. It’s always been an excuse. I’m starting to realize you’re never going to stop making excuses, and I’m just simply wasting my time at this point,” he seethes, quickly pushing to his feet.
“Don’t do that. You know that isn’t true,” I object, resisting the urge to reach for him when I stand as well.
“Bullshit, Tess.” He spins on me. “You’re never going to forgive me, are you?”
“What are you talking about?” I question, confused by his words.
“I’m talking about the fact that five years ago I broke your heart and your trust, and deep down you’re still holding onto that. If you weren’t you wouldn’t have turned me away when I showed up at your prom. You wouldn’t have denied me when I came to you last year. And you sure as hell wouldn’t have just agreed to marry another man. Admit it, Tess, you just can’t let it go.”
“That’s not true, Sebastian.”
“Don’t fucking lie to me!” he roars, causing me to stumble backward slightly. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Tess,” he repeats more calmly. “I know I fucked up. I know letting you go was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. But fuck, Tess, I was just a kid. A kid who was trying like hell to do what was right by you. It wasn’t until that night at prom that I realized how stupid I’d been.”
“You mean after you realized that I was going to prom with another guy. Or do you think I’m so blind I can’t see where your actions are stemming from? It’s jealously, Sebastian. That’s the one thing that’s always fueled you. You don’t want me. You discarded me so easily, and yet the second you see me with someone else it’s like you can’t live without me. So what is it, Sebastian, huh?”
“This has nothing to do with anyone but you and me. Yes, realizing that you had a date to prom—that you were going with someone who wasn’t me—was a hard pill to swallow, and maybe I didn’t handle that situation the way I should have, but that’s not why I came for you that night. And it sure as hell isn’t why I showed up at your dorm last year. I didn’t even know you were involved with anyone. I know I’m the one who started all of this when I let you go the first time, but the only person who’s been keeping us apart is you. I tried to keep my distance, fuck—for years I tried. But I kept coming back to you, Tess. You are it for me. You’ve always been it for me.”
“Sebastian,” I try to speak but he quickly cuts me off.
“I want you to think long and hard about what you say to me next, Tess, because this is it for me. I’m done. I’m done chasing you. I’m done putting my life on hold waiting for you to decide you want to be with me. I’m done with this game, Tess. I’m just done.”
“I’m not playing any games, Sebastian.”
“You know what, I honestly believe that you believe that. I can tell by the way you look at me that you still love me. But you’ve put up this guard. I broke your heart, and so you’ve built a wall to keep me from it.”
“The timing just wasn’t right, we agreed.”
“No, I blamed it on timing once when I was trying to do what I thought was right. After that you ran with it, and it’s been your crutch ever since. Now, when you finally have the ability to choose me—to be with me—you agree to marry another man.”
“I’ve been with Bennett for almost two years. It’s not just you and me. There’s another person to consider here. A person I care a great deal for. It’s not as black and white as you seem to think it is.”
“But it is, Tess. It is black and white. Either you love me or you don’t. Either you choose me or you don’t.” He throws his hand up in frustration. “I can’t fucking do this anymore, Tess. I can’t keep running to you only to have you push me away again. I need to know now—without question—do you truly intend to marry that man?” He gestures toward the house where Bennett and all my other friends and family are gathered out back, completely oblivious to the life-altering decision staring me right in the face.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” I fight back the tears I feel burning the back of my eyes.
“I want you to say no, Tess. I want you to tell me that you don’t want to marry him. I want you to tell me that you want to marry me, that you love me.”
“I do love you,” I choke, emotion thick in my throat.
“But you love him more, is that it?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.” He shakes his head. “You saying yes was all the proof I needed.”
I want to argue it. Tell him I only said yes because he put me on the spot and I didn’t see a way I could say no, but I refrain because truthfully a part of me really did want to say yes. Bennett is a wonderful man and unlike Sebastian, he’s never hurt me. He’s supportive and reliable and all the things I had hoped to find in a person one day.
But the one glaring problem, the one thing that has always kept my heart at bay is that he’s not Sebastian.
“I just need some time,” I plead, my heart and my head clashing against one another.
My head says Bennett—he’s the smart choice, the safe choice.
My heart says Sebastian, knowing there’s no way anyone will ever make me feel the way he does. But I know what comes along with loving someone so intensely—you lose a part of yourself in the process.
“I’ve given you years, Tess.”
“Sebastian.”
“No,” he immediately cuts in, “I can’t do this. I can’t fight my way past a wall that you keep building faster than I can tear it down. Either you tell me now that I’m who you want—that this is what you want,” he gestures between the two of us, “or I’m going to walk away, and you’ll never see me again.” He waits a long moment before adding, “choose.”
“I can’t. I can’t just make a spur of the moment decision that will not only effect my life but the life of a man who is completely innocent in all of this. Bennett doesn’t deserve what you’re asking me to do, not like this. Please just give me some time.”
He stares at me for a long moment, the anger long gone, the sadness a distant memory, all that seems to remain now is acceptance. And that’s how I know there’s nothing more I can do.
I either choose him or I choose Bennett, and truthfully, I’m not ready to choose either. I’ve never felt so split, so torn between two things in my entire life. It’s like I’m two completely different people. The girl who loves Sebastian and the woman who loves Bennett.
No matter what choice I make, no matter what I do—someone loses. I lose. I can’t see a clear path, and yet I also can’t deny that out of the two there’s only one person I can’t see myself living without for the rest of my life, and that person is standing right in front of me, asking me to choose him. And yet, for the life of me, I can’t force the words out.
“I really hope the two of you will be happy together, Tess.” He lets out a slow breath, struggling to meet my gaze.
Seconds later a cab pulls up onto the curb next to us, slowing to a stop. And only then do I realize that this is really it. This is the moment that will define my entire future. And while the magnitude of what is happening is not lost on me, I still can’t seem to force out the words I know deep down I want to say…
Stay.
He reaches for the car door, throwing one last look over his shoulder—his eyes meeting mine for a fraction of a second before he’s uttering the words I’ve heard more times than I care to admit, and yet their effect on me never lessens.
“Goodbye, Tess.”
I don’t remember him climbing into the car. I don’t even remember the car driving away. All I know is that when Courtney yells at me from the front porch what feels like several minutes later, I’m still standing on that curb, watching the love of my life drive away as if the car is still in view—knowing this time Sebastian has no intention of ever coming back.