Fisher

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I held Jade late into the night, until the sun started to cross the horizon, listening to the sound of her deep, even breathing, wondered at the state of things.

I wasn’t a person who believed in blessings, but what else could I call the fact that I had found Jade?

She’d brought something to my life I had never had, something I hadn’t even known I was missing. For that, I would always be grateful.

But at the same time, she was also a curse. Because now that I had had her, started to feel these things that were so foreign, but so welcome, I didn’t know how I would make it without her.

I didn’t even know if there would be an after without her. Everything was so up in the air, including what I planned to do.

Did I soldier on, fulfill this decades-long vendetta, risk my life in the process?

Or did I quit, stop because I knew it was what Jade wanted? And if I did, would that change anything?

I didn’t know, and there was no way to find out. That uncertainty left me in an awful position, one that I couldn’t see a way out of.

Because for the first time something mattered, my life mattered, all because I had something to look forward to. So much of my time, my energy, my focus, had been consumed by vengeance. Jade was the first thing to exist beyond that, the first thing that was in a realm that didn’t involve this world, the Murphys, anything but happiness.

But it was also out of reach.

Ironic that the minute I found a reason to live was the same moment I realized I would never have that reason.

Kind of a mind-fuck when I thought about it, but when had my life ever been anything but?

I kissed Jade softly, then carefully removed myself from the bed, stepped into my discarded pants, and walked to the kitchen.

I had to do something, but I didn’t know what.

I was preoccupied, my mind swirling, but not so distracted that I didn’t feel the eerie sensation of someone watching me.

I turned, wasn’t all that surprised when I found Patrick Murphy standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

I’d seen him in pictures and from afar, but the reality of being in his presence was different than I had expected.

I waited for that visceral hate that I felt, the automatic response that usually came up when I even thought of him to emerge.

And it did, to an extent, but even more than that, my mind turned to Jade. I made a concerted effort not to look in the direction of the bedroom, hoping that this would be over before she emerged.

That confused me.

The thing that I had been working toward for so long was close to fruition, but instead of thinking of it, relishing in it, I was thinking of her.

That didn’t surprise me, not really, not with how much she had consistently been in my thoughts. But I still found it somewhat disconcerting.

Looking at Patrick was a close second.

I glanced at him, hating the fact that I could see traces of myself in him.

I had no doubt he could see the same, but if he was having any reaction to my presence, he wasn’t showing it.

“What took you so long?” I asked.

I hated to be the first one to break the silence, but I couldn’t let this linger and risk Jade coming out.

“I didn’t know I was looking for you,” Patrick said.

“Then you should have been paying more attention,” I responded.

He walked into the kitchen, looking around, taking everything in.

I took that opportunity to move, making my way to the kitchen door. I felt better that way, knew that I could intercept Jade before he could if it came to that.

I also noticed that he didn’t seem worried by the shift in our position.

Technically, I had him blocked in, at a distinct disadvantage, but he didn’t seem remotely worried.

Of course, he probably had no reason to be.

If I were him, I would have every angle of this house covered before I came inside, and I didn’t underestimate him, knew that he undoubtedly did.

“You’re right. I should’ve been paying more attention. Please forgive the oversight,” he said.

“You think there’s something to forgive?” I asked, my voice angry.

“The question is, do you?” Patrick said.

I didn’t respond, but instead studied him. He was wearing a white button-down shirt, a pair of expensive black slacks. It was what he often wore when he was attempting to portray the role of respected real estate magnet.

What a fucking joke.

Venom, bitter acid roiled in my throat. The rage that I had been expecting before came then, delayed, but no less intense. I stared at him, resentment making my sight begin to blur at the edges.

He had everything laid out for him, every advantage. Of course he could pretend to be a real estate magnet and yet keep his foot in the underworld. Build a life for his brothers, his family. Why shouldn’t he have been able to?

There was no answer for that. But knowing that didn’t do anything to relieve the anger.

Part of me had wondered if it was reflexive, a habit, but as I looked at Patrick now, saw his calm, saw that he had the upper hand even if he didn’t know it, I was sickened with myself.

“You’re not going to ask who I am? Why I’m here?” I asked.

“You think I don’t know those things?” he asked.

His expression was unmoving, not betraying anything, but I saw through the facade.

I lifted one corner of my mouth in a smile.

“Nice try, but if you knew who I was, you wouldn’t be here.”

“What makes you think that?” Patrick asked.

“Call it a hunch. You don’t strike me as a man to leave things to chance, and coming here is a risk. One you’d only take if it was worth it, and I’m certain knowing who I am is worth it,” I said.

I went quiet then, my chest heaving with my breath, emotion threatening to overtake me.

To my surprise, Patrick nodded.

“You speak the truth. You do very good research,” Patrick said. “It’s a shame. You’re obviously skilled if you could get that close to me. If we’d met under different circumstances, I might have found a place for you.”

“You think I would ever work for you?” I said, my voice a venomous hiss.

“Your reaction tells me that you wouldn’t have, and it also tells me that you have a problem with me. I’m afraid you have me at a disadvantage. Because I have no idea who you are,” he said.

I looked at him, could see that he was being honest. And for some reason, that hurt more than anything.

I had never considered it before, but with Patrick standing here in this rented kitchen that had come to feel like home it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had spent years, the bulk of my life hating him, plotting his downfall.

He hadn’t given me a second thought, not a first either. Like always, I was a nonfactor. Those familiar feelings, anger, loneliness, came back in an instant.

I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that, though. “Why don’t you take a stab at it?” I said.

“A stab at what?” Patrick said.

“A stab at figuring out who I am. Think hard. I’m sure something will come to you,” I said.

“I have no interest in thinking hard. I just want to know who you are and what you want,” Patrick said.

“You don’t recognize me?” I asked.

That got a bit of a reaction from Patrick. “I see some familiarity. Are you Aengus’s bastard or something?” he asked.

In an instant, the rage that had only momentarily been banked came back full force.

“I—”

I cut off at the feeling of a hand on my wrist, the touch from Jade enough to calm me instantly.

That calm was short-lived, for a second later I was filled with panic.

I didn’t look at Jade, but instead looked at Patrick.

He could only see her hand, and he watched, his expression curious. The curiosity turned to shock when Jade stepped under my arm and put her body in front of mine.

I glanced away from Patrick quickly, saw that she wore my shirt and nothing else. Still, she looked every bit the stern warrior that she was, and she stared at Patrick, her gaze unerring.

Patrick, for his part, was genuinely taken aback.

“I would ask if you’re okay, but that would be a stupid question,” Patrick said.

“Not necessarily,” Jade said.

“So I’ll ask then. Are you okay?” he said.

“I’m fine. How are you?” she responded.

“I’m not fine, Jade. In fact, I’m pretty fucking pissed. You see, I’ve been having a rather rough week, and I think your…companion is behind that. Is there any particular reason why you’re here?” he asked.

His voice maintained calm, but I could see the rage clouding his expression. I had no doubt that Jade could too, but she didn’t allow it to influence her and instead kept her eyes on Patrick, not moving, not even blinking.

“He asked for my help. I was in a difficult position but I decided to give it to him,” she said.

“Your help?” he said.

Jade shook her head. “I’m sorry, Patrick. I can’t answer any of your questions unless I have some assurances from you. I trust that you’re still a man of your word,” she said.

Patrick considered Jade for a long moment, appeared to be thinking. I found myself intrigued by how he would respond. Was he a man of his word? I wasn’t sure, but I would soon find out.

“I am,” he said. “But what makes you think you have any leverage here?”

“I don’t. I’m just asking,” she said.

“No. Whoever he is, and trust me I’ll find out before this day is over, he has things to answer for. I’m going to see that he does.”

Patrick sounded so confident, and he had reason to be, at least in one sense. I would answer for what I’d done, but I wouldn’t give Patrick any information I didn’t want to. I was confident in that.

Jade looked at Patrick, and I glanced down at her, and though I could only see her in profile, I couldn’t miss the anger, the fear in her expression. Seeing those emotions in Jade, especially the fear, hurt me more than anything Patrick could do to me. More than anything I wanted to soothe those emotions away.

“I never had any illusions about you, but that sounds like a threat,” she said.

“It’s not a threat, Jade.”

“A promise then,” she said.

Patrick nodded. “Most assuredly it is a promise. He has things to answer for, and I’m going to see that he does.”

“You’ll have to get through me first,” Jade responded.

She didn’t turn her head, but lifted her arm and reached back, closed it around my waist. My attention was focused on Jade, but I didn’t miss the flash of displeasure that crossed his face.

“Jade, don’t be ridiculous,” I said, making my voice stern.

That got her attention. She shifted slightly, then tilted her head to look up into my face. “Shut up, stupid, I’m working here,” she said on an urgent whisper.

This wasn’t the time for humor, but I felt some, looked at Patrick and would have guessed that he did the same.

“I don’t know who you are, but I can already see I don’t respect you. You’re having her fight your battles?” he asked.

“She’s not fighting anything,” I said, trying not to take Patrick’s bait and very nearly failing.

“She is standing right here, and she wants to be heard,” Jade said sarcastically.

“No.”

Patrick and I had spoken simultaneously, and Jade looked both surprised and annoyed.

She shook her head. “You fucking Murphys. So stubborn.”

Patrick had heard what she said, probably took it as confirmation of what he thought.

I didn’t care. It didn’t make a difference. Who I was wouldn’t change this, though I was sad that at the very least I wouldn’t make Patrick have to live with the question of who I was, maybe wonder if I’d be back, or somebody else in my stead.

Jade kept her arm wrapped tight around my waist, extended the other out to the wall as if to block Patrick.

On instinct, I leaned down and placed a kiss at the top of her head. Then I anchored my arms on her hips and lifted her.

“Fisher, what are you—” She cut off quickly, perhaps having realized that she said my name. Patrick had heard her. I didn’t look at him, but didn’t have to to know that he had heard.

Still, I continued to ignore him for a moment and pushed Jade behind me. I risked turning my back to Patrick and looked at her.

“I appreciate what you’re doing. But don’t,” I said.

The sun had started to rise and when I looked in Jade’s eyes I saw disbelief and concern. It warmed my heart that she felt it for me, me who was so unworthy. But I was happy I’d had it for at least that moment.

“No. I’m not going to let this happen,” she said.

“You can’t stop it, Jade,” Patrick said.

I looked away from Jade and glared at him.

“Don’t talk to her,” I growled through clenched teeth.

“Fisher, you must think that you have something to say about this. You don’t.” Then, he looked past me to Jade, who had shifted to my side in the kitchen doorway.

“Jade, I’m really disappointed. I thought we had some kind of understanding, but it looks like I was mistaken. You betrayed me,” he said.

His voice didn’t sound bitter, and in fact he sounded saddened.

“What are you saying, Patrick?” she asked.

“I’m saying I don’t want to have to tell my wife and my daughter that I had to kill their best friend and godmother. So you need to go,” Patrick said.

Jade flinched, her eyes widened, and were this a different situation, I would have thrashed him.

Instead, I stayed quiet and reached out, gripped Jade’s fingers.

“What is that supposed to mean?” she asked after she had regained her equilibrium.

I respected the fact that she hadn’t lost her cool, but knew that there was no middle ground here.

Something that Patrick confirmed. “What I’m saying is you need to leave and now.”

“Where am I supposed to go?” Jade asked.

For the first time, Patrick showed impatience, though he quickly schooled his features.

“I don’t care. But it needs to be far, and you can’t ever come back,” he said, his voice lowering an octave.

“What, you think I’m going to just do what you say?” she said.

Stubborn as always, something I still admired, but this wasn’t the time or the place. I had no doubt that Patrick would follow through with his unspoken threat, and I couldn’t even abide the possibility.

I didn’t turn my back to Patrick but looked at Jade.

I reached up, stroked my fingers along her jawbone, then gripped her chin with my hands.

“Go,” I said.

I hoped she heard the longing, the urgency in my voice, though I tried to whisper.

My time was coming to an end, but Jade had a lifetime to live, and I couldn’t bear to be the thing that kept her from it.

She didn’t respond, and instead studied my gaze, her eyes searching mine, hoping for some other answer I thought.

There wouldn’t be one.

“Go,” I said.

Then I kissed her hard, released her chin, and turned to face Patrick.

I felt her standing behind me, could practically feel her push, feel her desire to fight against this.

But there was no way out for me. There was the one for her, and that was what mattered.

“Go,” I said yet again.

I didn’t look at her, but I listened, all of my senses, my entire body attuned to the sound of her.

She waited, waited even longer, and then finally I felt her leave.

I stayed still as I listened to her move through the house. A few moments after she had initially left the kitchen I heard the soft swish of her skirt approaching, felt her hand on the back of my arm as she squeezed.

And then she was gone, and she took my heart with her.

But I wouldn’t need it anymore.

I waited a moment longer and then locked eyes with Patrick.

“Where were we?”