Jade

---

I was completely adrift.

I felt like I was floating through a nightmare, a sea of all the horrible things I ever could have imagined.

Because that, Fisher alone with Patrick, a Patrick who I had seen was hell-bent on vengeance just as Fisher had been, was certainly one of them.

Again tears began to well, and yet again I ruthlessly pushed them down.

My tears wouldn’t help Fisher, and that was what I needed to focus on.

He had been alive when I left, and I had to continue to think he was now. I waited for the recriminations to come, my anger at myself for having gotten involved with this in the first place, but it never did.

Because as much as I hated to admit it, as much as it sickened me, I would never be sorry for this.

I’d be sorry to lose Nya and Siobhan, beyond sorry that Fisher was gone. But I’d never be sorry for the time we had together.

I tried to pinpoint exactly when it happened, when I had fallen in love with him, but I never came up with a good, definitive moment. I suspected it just happened over time, one infuriating, annoying, stubborn conversation at a time. So many of those conversations had been chased by the physical connection that was beyond any I had thought was possible for me.

Add in the emotion, and I knew that I would never feel for anyone what I had felt for Fisher.

That it would end badly, or was well on its way to ending badly, didn’t mean I could bring myself to regret it, couldn’t bring myself to be sorry that he had ever come to me. He had given me so much more than he had taken, and I would be forever grateful for that.

I walked aimlessly, my mind still reeling, but as the minutes ticked by, a certain measure of calm came over me. And then realization.

I was here, stumbling through the streets in the very earliest morning lamenting the loss of the man I loved. But he wasn’t gone yet. Which meant there was still something I could do.

I didn’t know what, or how, but I knew I couldn’t sit here and wait, couldn’t let Fisher die while I felt sorry for myself.

I stopped, considered sitting on a park bench, but then quickly reconsidered.

I tried to think of something I could do, anything, but nothing came to mind.

Except, well one thing, which was the one thing I knew I couldn’t do.

Or rather the one thing I knew I couldn’t do before Patrick had grabbed Fisher.

I had no resources, nothing to go on but a hunch, but I stuck with that hunch and made my way to Nya’s parents’ house.

The walk had taken about forty-five minutes, each of those minutes with me going at maximum speed.

By the time I arrived I was winded, sweaty, and certain that I looked insane.

I didn’t care.

I wasn’t even sure if they were up, but I rang the doorbell anyway. I would apologize later, profusely, but for now I needed to do this.

I waited for a moment, heard someone approaching, and then waited, considering how I would explain to Nya’s mother why I was here at a time like this, looking like I did, asking about Nya’s whereabouts.

I was certain I could come up with something convincing, and at the very least, I had known the family so long I hoped her mother would trust me.

Yet again me playing on someone’s trust for my own gain, but there wasn’t much I wouldn’t do for Fisher.

All of the thoughts, the explanations that I had concocted proved to be unnecessary.

“What are you doing here, Jade?” Nya said when she opened the door.

---

Jade

---

The last fifteen minutes had been excruciating.

After I had recovered from the shock of Nya opening the door, begged for a few moments of her time, she had relented and allowed me in.

And then promptly went about doing everything but talking to me it seemed.

Siobhan had been changed and shipped off to the backyard with her grandmother, while Nya had made a cup of coffee for herself and tea for me.

Now we sat at the kitchen table, Nya seeming content to enjoy a leisurely cup of coffee. I hadn’t touched the tea, knowing that my stomach was so knotted that anything I put in it would come out almost instantly.

“You don’t even trust my tea,” Nya said.

I frowned, then realized what she meant. “It’s not that. I trust you,” I said.

Nya took the final sip of her coffee and then sat the mug down. It felt strange, looking at my best friend like this. She was looking at me like I was a stranger and not a well-liked one.

Seeing that ripped at my heart, but I couldn’t let it dissuade me, not when so much was at stake.

“You trust me. But I feel like maybe there’s a reason I shouldn’t trust you,” she said.

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

Nya laughed, the sound her usual musical voice, but her eyes cold and sharp as ice chips.

“Don’t play games with me, Jade,” she said, her voice razor-sharp, one that she had never used with me.

“I’m not trying to play games,” I said.

“Then why are you here?” she asked.

“I’m here to ask for your help,” I said.

Nya didn’t look surprised, which told me Patrick had tipped her off.

“You would do such a thing, after what you did?” Nya asked.

She was still angry, but I could clearly see the hurt.

I felt even lower than I already did, knowing that I had put it there, that I had betrayed our relationship with no thought as to what it might do to her.

But I reminded myself that wasn’t true. I thought of little else but Nya, at least at the start of this. That would have to count for something.

“Nya, just hear me out,” I said.

She looked like she wanted to argue, but she didn’t say anything, so I took the opportunity to fill silent space.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want things to turn out like this. But know that I did this with nothing but your best interest in mind. Siobhan’s too,” I said.

“But not Patrick’s or Michael’s or Declan’s or Sean’s. Not Eden’s, or Grace’s or Jess’s and Jake’s. None of their well-beings mattered to you,” she said.

“That’s not true. I—”

“Don’t try to defend yourself. You betrayed him, which means you betrayed me,” she said.

Her voice had a lethal edge in it that I had never heard before, one that sent a chill down my spine. But I would not be dissuaded, not when there was still a chance to help Fisher.

“I betrayed you, but know that I did so with the best of reasons,” I said.

“There’s some kind of saying about the road to hell being paved with good intentions, but it escapes my mind at the moment,” Nya said.

I knew she would be angry, but she was enraged, and as I looked at her face, I felt hatred aimed at me.

But I ignored that, pushed on, hoped and prayed that something I said would get through to her.

“Why did you do it, Jade? Just tell me that?” Nya said.

Her voice was still enraged, but underneath I heard the twisting agony of anger and disappointment.

And it was all my fault.

I hated to confess that, but there was no way around it.

I had done this, I was responsible, and finally, I was going to come clean.

“For many reasons,” I said.

“Explain,” Nya responded.

“I did it because I wanted to protect you as best I could.”

“You said that already. What are the other reasons?” she asked.

I breathed out hard, my heart feeling like it was dancing in my chest.

But I didn’t care about that and finally said the words.

“Because I was jealous,” I whispered.

Shame wouldn’t allow me to say the word very loudly, but Nya had heard it.

“Of what?” she asked.

“You really have to ask that?” I asked, my own brows furrowing.

“Yes, I really have to ask, Jade,” Nya said.

“I mean look at you, look at your life. You have a husband, a baby, a life. What do I have?” I asked.

I sounded pathetic, and I wasn’t surprised when Nya called me out on that.

“You’ve got to be kidding me! You’re telling me you betrayed me because you were jealous that I have a husband and the baby?” she asked.

“Yes. And I was losing you,” I said.

Adding that had been even worse than confessing that I was jealous, but I knew that was the heart of the matter.

“What do you mean, losing me?” she asked.

“I mean for so long it was just the two of us, partners in crime but that’s not the case anymore and it took me a little while to adjust. Or a long while, as a matter of fact. I feel awful about it, Nya. Like telling you this makes me want to flog myself.”

“Jade, if you felt that way why didn’t you say something?” Nya said.

I looked down into my full teacup, the weight of my embarrassment making it impossible for me to look at Nya. But after she spoke I looked up, met her eyes. The anger was still there, but there was also affection, hurt.

She quickly wiped all trace of emotion off her face, but I had seen it nonetheless.

And felt even worse for having done so.

Even after what I had done to her, after what I had confessed, she was still concerned about me.

I had never been worthy of her friendship.

“There’s no way I can explain it. And there’s no good reason. I know that I have a lot of shit going on in my head, and I tried to lay that on you. And I apologize for that,” I said.

I took a deep breath, then looked up at Nya again. “You’ve been nothing but a friend to me. The best possible friend I could have. I don’t want you to forgive me, but I want you to know that I did what I thought best. And I will always be grateful for your friendship,” I said.

“That’s not all, right, Jade?” Nya asked, looking skeptical now.

“No. It’s not,” I said. I took a deep breath and then forced myself to go on. “I shouldn’t ask you this. I have no right to ask you but I can’t stay silent.”

I looked at her, but she didn’t speak, which I took as my cue to continue.

“Fisher, he’s the one who is behind this trouble Patrick has been having, I love him, Jade,” I said.

It felt weird to tell Nya before I told Fisher, but it felt even weirder to say the words out loud. But strange as that was, I had no doubt of the truth. I loved Fisher and always would, and I would do anything I could for him.

“I must say, I’m quite surprised,” Nya said.

“Not as surprised as I am,” I responded.

Nya chuckled, seeming to forget herself, but she recovered quickly, again put her stern mask in place.

“So what. You love him. What does that have to do with me?” she asked.

“Patrick has him, and I don’t think he’s going to meet a good end,” I said.

“Are you trying to poison me against Patrick? Because it’s not gonna work,” she said.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I’d never do that. And I know it wouldn’t. But I also know that Patrick would do anything for you.”

“I don’t interfere in his business, Jade,” she said.

“I know. And I wouldn’t ask you to, but—”

I broke off, my voice cracking and then fading.

I stayed quiet for a moment, breathing, but that didn’t help. The tears, the ones that I had been holding back came rushing free. They poured down my face, out of my throat broke a sob that reminded me of the cry of a wounded animal.

Something I supposed I was. Because the thought of losing Fisher, the thought of him no longer being on this earth made it impossible for me to do anything else.

Nya looked at me, her expression twisted, and even through my teary eyes I could see the confusion on her face. She’d never seen me cry, and I told her more times than I could remember that I never would again.

I’d been wrong.

Because I cried then, sat at the table and cried all the tears I had never allowed to fall.

I heard the scrape of a chair against the floor, and then listened as Nya sat beside me and then wrapped her arms around me.

I didn’t hesitate to return the embrace, crying on Nya’s shoulder, letting out all the emotion that was inside.

And cried until I had no more tears to give, and then broke the embrace.

Nya handed me a napkin from the caddy on the table and I took it to wipe my eyes. I knew I looked a frightful mess, but I didn’t care.

Instead I looked at Nya, my eyes locked with hers, silently begging, imploring.

She shook her head.

“I’m sorry, Jade. I truly am. But whatever happens, it’ll be okay,” she said quietly.

“Not without Fisher it won’t be,” I whispered.

And then I gave myself to the tears again.