Ripley
After grabbing the files I put together for our new patients, I stick them in the tray so they’re ready to go when they come in for their consultations tomorrow. I began working as a file clerk at Plastic Surgeon Associates three years ago through a temp agency. After my contract was up, they hired me as a full-time benefited employee right away, which is great because of Alex. This past year, he had to have his tonsils and adenoids out because he kept getting strep throat, and I shudder to think what those bills would’ve been had we not had the good coverage we do.
As a receptionist, I do it all, including filing, checking patients in, and running insurance checks. This wasn’t the career path I wanted to take, but I flunked out of Western my freshman year. After that, things just sort of spiraled out of control.
Thank God for Jonah and his fiancée Jessica, who also happens to be my co-worker. I set them up and it was love at first sight. They’re an amazing couple, and so good to Alex and me. My sweet boy has always referred to Jonah as Uncle Jonah, and lately has been calling Jessica Aunt Jess.
Something’s up with Jonah though, and I don’t know what it is. Yesterday Jessica and I met him and Alex for lunch, and he was acting edgy and nervous. Jessica dragged him outside at one point, maybe to grill him, and when they came back, he was fine; it was weird. Then, last night, Alex went on and on about having seen a dog the size of a horse when he and Jonah went to the pet store before meeting me for lunch.
Jonah’s been such a good friend and it’s sad it killed my friendship with Kat. She never approved of my friendship with Jonah, never believing he had changed, or not wanting to believe he had. She did move back here after college, but any time we’ve seen each other, she’s ignored me. I even tried to introduce her to my son, but she blew us off. I will say that after my dad died, she sent flowers, but they were for my mom.
We’ve been doing okay since he passed. At first, we weren’t. It was a huge shock when he had the massive stroke, and he was gone before the ambulance got there. I had to be strong for my mom and for Alex. He was only three and a half when it happened, but he knew his Papa was gone and not coming back. My dad loved Alex so much, and Alex loved him just as deeply.
My mom has a group of ladies she socializes with and they’ve been a big support system for her, which I’m grateful for. It doesn’t hurt that she’s got the most adorable grandson in the history of grandsons, and he can make anyone smile.
We don’t live with my mom, but we live close by in a two-bedroom duplex. It’s not the nicest place, but it’s our home.
“Ripley?”
I turn to Dr. Roberts. “Yes, I’m sorry. Did you need something?” He’s a nice man to work for, and always understands if I need to take time off for Alex.
That little boy has been my reason behind every decision I’ve made since I knew he was coming. That first year was so hard, and I really struggled mentally and emotionally. Before, I had my life all mapped out, and every piece of it had Brock in the equation. Alex was supposed to be a child Brock and I created out of love. So many nights I’d lie in bed with Alex sleeping next to me and wish he were Brock’s child so I’d always have a little piece of him.
“Ripley are you okay?” Ugh, I spaced out again.
“Yes, sorry Dr. Roberts. What did you need?”
He hands me reports to fax over to the hospital and some labs to scan into the electronic charts of the patients. Once that’s done, I make a few follow-up calls, and before I know it, it’s four o’clock and I’m off work for a nice long weekend. I took tomorrow off because Alex has his four-year-old well-child checkup and Lucy, the pediatrician’s receptionist, already warned me that he’d probably get his shots that are due before kindergarten. If that’s the case, afterward I’ll take my little man out for pizza at his favorite place, Ed’s Pizzeria.
When I pull up into the driveway of my duplex, the front door opens and Alex runs out. “Mommy, Mommy you’re home!” I scoop him up in my arms.
“I missed you, you little monster! Were you good for your uncle?” Jonah is so great with him and loves my little guy so much. He’s actually the unofficial best man when Jonah and Jessica get married, and I’m his best woman, which cracks me up.
“Yep I was. He took me to the store and bought me a new moo-bie.” Of course he did—he spoils my kid rotten.
“Well I hope you told him thank you.” Jonah greets me at the door. “Another movie?” My son has an arsenal of movies, but his favorites to watch over and over are Monsters, Inc. and Monsters University. He loves to roar like Sully while he runs through the house.
“What can I say? I can’t seem to tell that boy no.” I can only shake my head.
“Thanks again for keeping him today, Mr. Big-Time Sports Blogger.” Jonah went to school for journalism and with his love of sports, he started a blog that has become pretty popular. He’s gotten to talk to and interview some pretty big sports stars, and it seems that everything he touches turns to gold.
He could’ve played for the NFL, but at the beginning of his sophomore year, he blew out his knee and couldn’t play again. Without football, he focused on school and kept on track to graduate. I thought for sure after everything that went down the summer after our freshman year in college, he’d move on and quit talking to me. I was too prone to drama and he always swooped in to help. Instead, our friendship grew and grew.
Luckily, with time, I got my shit together, mentally and emotionally. I feel stronger than I have in a very long time, and it feels so good. I’m thankful I had my shit together before my dad passed away; I’d have hated for him to go feeling like I wasn’t going to make it. I never meant to hurt and disappoint them. Even when I was at my worst, they still loved me like crazy, and then when Alex came along, they loved him even more.
Alex sometimes stayed the night at my parents’ house, and he and my dad were the best of buds. Since the day Alex was mobile, he followed my dad around everywhere he went.
I shake off the thoughts of my dad as Jonah starts to speak. “Ha! You know me, I’m the real deal. We had a good day.”
“He hasn’t stopped talking about the huge dog you guys saw.” Jonah turns away from me. Strange. I place my hand on his arm. “What’s up with you? You’ve been acting strange today. Do you not want me to ask you to watch Alex?”
He turns around to me. “God no. You know I demand to watch him whenever I’m able to. As a matter of fact, I wanted to see if we could keep him Saturday night. Jess wants to take him to see that troll movie, unless of course you wanted to take him.”
“No, that’d be great. He loves staying over. Maybe we could meet for breakfast Sunday morning?” Without Alex home, maybe I could go see my own movie or go get a massage, maybe even clean the house and do laundry—I’m such a party animal.
“Sounds great, and I’ll let you know when we’ll be here to get him.”
“Awesome. You better go, Jessica said she was making you dinner.” He kisses my cheek, his familiar scent of Old Spice Swagger fills my nostrils. The scent is Jessica’s favorite on him, and buys it for him all of the time.
He calls for Alex. “Hey buddy I’m leaving. You be good for your mommy okay?”
Alex throws his arms around Jonah’s neck when he squats down to Alex’s level. “I will Uncle Jonah. I lub you.” He gives Jonah a kiss on the cheek.
“I love you too. I’ll call tomorrow.” I shut the door after he walks through it and watch my son give me a goofy smile before running back to the trucks he was playing with. While he plays, I run upstairs to grab laundry. How I can have so much for just two of us—especially when one of us has clothes that are a third the size of the other’s—is beyond me.
After throwing it in, I head back into the living room and sit on the floor to watch Alex drive his trucks all over everything. When my dad died, I was afraid Alex was going to miss out on having a positive male role model in his life, but then I realized that he had two: Jonah and his dad, Jeffrey. Yes, they have lots of money, are members of a country club, and his mom gets a new car every year, but they are honestly the nicest people I’ve ever met.
They’ve welcomed me and my son into their family. Jonah’s mom, Trina, has even become friends with my mom. They don’t hang out a whole lot, but occasionally they’ll go to lunch, or my mom will take Alex over for a visit.
“Baby are you hungry, or did Uncle Jonah feed you?” He snuggles in my lap.
“I’m starbing.”
“It’s starving, not starbing.” He still has trouble with the V sound. “How about I cook us a couple turkey dogs with a side of fruit and yogurt?”
“Yes!” he shouts before running into the kitchen. I get up and chase after him.
“How did he do?” my mom asks in my ear as I buckle Alex into his car seat.
“He did great.” I climb into the driver’s seat. “He cried a little with the second set of shots, but other than that he did great. Alex is in the eightieth percentile for both his height and weight, and now we’re going to go have lunch at McDonald’s so someone can get a happy meal, and then we’re going to go to the park.”
“Okay honey, well kiss my boy for me and have fun.” I hang up and then we head to get him some lunch.
After he eats his happy meal and plays for a little bit in the tubes, we make our way down to the park that’s at one end of the bike path. As soon as we’re out of the car, I chase after Alex as he runs to the swings. “Mommy push me!” He definitely isn’t letting some shots slow him down.
I lift him up onto the swing. “Hold on tight baby.” Placing my hands over his, I start moving his swing back and forth, then I let go of his hands and lightly push him. I’m not pushing him very fast, but his excited squeals would make you think otherwise. When he gets going pretty good, I come around the front and take a couple pictures of him. His smile is wide and joyful, just like my dad’s was.
His attention span is very short so it’s not too much longer before he wants down. He pumps his little arms as he runs toward the jungle gym. “Alex be careful.”
“I will Mommy!” He climbs up the stairs and I watch him disappear into a tube, then I move around until I spot him sliding down. He runs past me again and then goes right back up the stairs. He does this a few more times before he runs around the jungle gym and I hear his excited squeal. I run around the corner and spot him petting a huge dog, who’s licking his face.
“Alex, baby.” The man with the dog stands up to his full height and when he looks at me, I feel the park start to spin. “Brock?” I trip over my feet and fall hard on my ass.
“Mommy! Mommy!” I jerk to my feet and find people staring at me.
“Alex?” I look around, trying to avoid looking at Brock.
“He’s right over there.” A lady stands over me. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I turn to see Alex next to the huge dog with his arms wound around the animal’s neck. “Come here, honey. Mommy’s okay.” I turn to the woman. “I’m okay, I promise.” The whole time I ignore the fact that Brock is standing right next to me.
His familiar scent wraps around me, one I used to take comfort in, but now the wounds I thought were healed are ripping open. I need to get out of here before I lose it. On wobbly legs, I rush to Alex and wrap my arms around him. “I’m okay baby, I promise. Let’s get going so we can go to Ed’s okay?” He kisses the dog on the nose and then grabs my outstretched hand.
“Ripley, wait.” I hear Brock calling after me, but I keep moving. My car is a hundred yards away and as I move toward it, it seems like it keeps getting farther and farther away.
“Mommy what’s wrong?” I realize I’m dragging him behind me and I stop, taking a deep breath to get myself under control.
I pick Alex up and hug him close. “Nothing’s wrong, baby. Mommy’s just so hungry and wants to eat some pizza.” I set him back down and we walk toward my car. When I reach it, I look behind me and see that Brock is gone—why does that hurt? Was I expecting him to run after me? What was I really expecting since he’s the one who left me? Pain sparks in my chest, but I push it away. I’ll keep it together until Alex is in bed sleeping and I’m alone.
When I go to stick the key in the ignition, I realize my hands are shaking. I shake them out and try to shake off the unsettled feeling that washes over me. What if I hallucinated the whole thing? No, it felt too real to not be, and I can still smell him.
By the time we reach Ed’s, I’m somewhat calmed down. I’ve been coming to Ed’s since I was a girl. Ed and his wife Gloria don’t do much of the cooking anymore—it’s mostly in the hands of their kids—but they’re always there and usually stop by to chat. They absolutely love Alex, which makes sense because he is pretty lovable. Usually Gloria brings him a cookie after we eat.
We step inside and as the familiar scent of pizza sauce washes over me, my stomach immediately growls. Alex’s little laugh makes me smile, and Brock is soon forgotten . . . sort of.
Gloria’s standing by register and when she sees us, she comes rushing over. “Ripley! How are you, beautiful girl?” She hugs and kisses my cheek before bending down. “Hello Sir Alex.” Ed knighted Alex one night, and it was the cutest thing. Now they call him Sir Alex.
“Hi Miss Gloria. Mommy brought me for pizza since I was a big boy when I got shot today.” Gloria looks at me with wide eyes.
“He had his well-child checkup and had to get a few shots. You did so good buddy.”
Gloria grabs Alex’s hand and leads us to our usual table. She tells us she’ll grab our drinks and will be right back. Alex colors on the paper tablecloth, and I love times like this when he concentrates hard on something because his little tongue peeks out between his lips. She brings me a Cola and brings Alex a glass of milk—he’d drink milk all day every day if I let him.
Our waitress comes and I order us a large pizza with everything. I’m very thankful that my boy is a good eater. If I put it in front of him, he’ll eat it. He continues to color and my eyes don’t leave his little blond head. Guilt plagues me when I think about the fact that I had almost had an abortion when I found out I was pregnant with him.
I shake those thoughts off. I prefer to leave the past in the past; it does me no good to think about that stuff. Our pizza comes and I get Alex a piece, cutting it into manageable pieces for him and making him wait for it to cool. “Do you want cheese?”
“Yes please.” I sprinkle the parmesan cheese on top of his pieces until he tells me when.
“Such good manners, baby. Good job.”
“Grammy says if I have good manners I get treats.” Of course my mom gives him treats. This boy is spoiled, but with so much love, it makes my heart swell.
We both dig into our pizza, and the crust, sauce, cheese, sausage, and veggies taste like heaven in my mouth. I keep my eyes on Alex because sometimes he tries to shovel too much in. About six months ago, he started choking on a piece of bread, and I panicked and didn’t handle it right. Stupidly, I reached into his mouth, but luckily I was able to grab the bread. After that, I made sure I knew how to deal with it if he chocked again.
Alex has eaten three pieces by the time we’re done. His face is covered in pizza sauce and he’s got a milk mustache. I grab the wipes out of my purse and lean over the table to clean his face off. My boy hates it and tries to pull his head away. “Alex stop, you’ve got sauce all over your face.”
“I don’t like it, it hurts.”
“Oh it does not. You’re fine.” Our waitress brings us a box for our pizza and I pack it away. Now we’ll have lunch for tomorrow, though knowing Jonah, they’ll pick him up early so they can keep him all day.
Hand in hand, we walk outside to my car. I set the box on top while I get Alex settled into his seat and buckled in, then I grab our pizza and we head home.
I kiss Alex’s forehead before turning on his nightlight and leaving his room. Downstairs, I grab a glass of water and settle in on the couch. I pick up my phone and send Jonah a text message.
RIPLEY: Why were you acting weird yesterday?
It doesn’t take long before he answers me.
JONAH: I wasn’t’t acting weird.
RIPLEY: You saw him too, didn’t you?
Instead of receiving another text, my phone rings. “Hey.”
“Rip, where did you see him? What happened?” I close my eyes and rub the pain in my chest.
“T-Today at the park, Alex saw the big dog, and I saw who he belonged to.” I suck in a deep breath. “Why is he back?” The pain I feel is making my voice sound hoarse. “When I saw him, I tripped and fell on my ass.”
“Jesus Ripley, I’m sorry you saw him, or at least that it happened the way it did. He told me his mom finally left his dad, so he must be home for that. Are you okay? Do you need us to come over?” He’s the best.
“No, I’m okay, I promise.” I’m such a good liar.
“I want to start singing ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire,’ but I won’t.” He’s quiet for a minute. “I’m here for you, whenever you need me. You know that right?”
My throat aches and tears fill my eyes. “I know.” My voice is quiet. “I love you, Jonah.”
“I love you too honey.” Jonah’s fiancée is amazing, and there are no jealous feelings between her and me. She knows the love Jonah and I feel for each other is the type of love close siblings share. “We’ll be over around eleven to get little man tomorrow, okay?”
“I’ll have his bag ready.” We hang up and I lie back on my couch, staring at my bookcase and the tiny frame that sits towards the back.
Kat took the picture of Brock and me during a class trip to the zoo. We were on the train that goes through the exhibits, and he grabbed me and put me on his lap. We both wore cheesy grins.
Brock looks different now . . . older. I know it’s been six years, and I tried to avoid looking at him closely, but it didn’t get by me that he’s lost any softness in his features. He was always lean and muscular, but now those muscles are more defined. He almost reminded me of a predator. It doesn’t matter though, because I am just going to try to steer clear of him, and hopefully he’ll be gone soon.
Up in my bedroom, I change into my nightgown then move into the bathroom. I brush my teeth and lean forward, looking at myself in the mirror. What did he think when he saw me? Did he think I looked older too? Maybe heavier? Even though I did lose all the baby weight, I still have curves that weren’t there before. My boobs are still perky but they’re smaller now, which is disappointing. I breastfed Alex for the first year of his life and thought for sure they’d stay big, but nope, they shrunk up right away.
My hair is in desperate need of a cut since it’s down to the middle of my back now. Alex’s hair is the same ash blond as mine, his eyes are a deeper blue, and he’s got the same peaches-and-cream skin tone as me.
After rinsing my mouth, I step into Alex’s room and sit down on the side of his little racecar bed that Uncle Jonah insisted he needed. I stroke my hand over his head and smile as he settles deeper into his covers. Leaning over, I bury my nose in his hair, inhaling his little boy scent. My lips graze the top of his head before I stand up and move across the hall to my room.
As I stare at the ceiling, I pray that I have a dreamless night. I stopped dreaming of Brock every night a long time ago, and I have no intention of letting him invade my dreams again.