I sit with my knees drawn up to my chest and my arms wrapped around them. I’m hunched forward, hugging my legs like I’m trying to protect myself. Like I’m trying to build some kind of shell to keep me from getting hurt.

But you’re hurting them instead.

Wincing, I try to push the thought away. I can’t let myself go through the pain of another break-up. When Bill and I got together, it was more for convenience than love. We were both pilots interested in building businesses. He wanted to do drop-offs out in the bush and I got a contract to do maintenance on the weather station equipment around the state.

The sex was unimaginative and, most times, I had to dig out my favorite purple rabbit vibrator to finish the job he couldn’t once he drifted off. Our conversations were almost exclusively about the business. In a lot of ways, we were more like roommates than husband and wife. Half the time I wouldn’t even really consider him a friend.

That’s why, when I caught him humping Jenn, in the same boring missionary style he always wanted with me, I almost felt relieved. I mean, I was angry, sure. Who wouldn’t be? But the real loss I felt was knowing I could never be friends with Jennifer anymore. Her betrayal stung so much more than his.

And if leaving him tore me up as much as it did, I can’t even imagine how I would get my life back to normal if things didn’t work out with Ace and Razor. That would shatter me. I would splinter into so many tiny pieces that no amount of time or work or meaningless distractions would ever help me become whole again.

It would destroy me.

My hands are shaking like the last fall leaf clinging to an old oak tree in a windstorm. That’s it, isn’t it? It’s not that I’m afraid to move in here. It’s not that I’m worried about getting rid of my apartment or changing things with work, not really. It’s the fact that I already care about them so much, if I did agree to stay and it didn’t work out, I know I’d never recover.

I’ve already fallen for them. Both of them. And I’m so scared of losing them that I’d rather push them away on my own terms than get tossed to the curb like a bag of trash.

An explosion of pins and needles tingles my scalp as I fully realize what I want. What I need to do. I always try to be such a tough girl, sometimes I forget that the thing about having an unbreakable shell is that no one can hurt you, sure. But you also never let anyone in. You never have to suffer, but you never experience the simple beauty of sharing your life either.

Breathing in a shaky breath, I ball my hands into fists and nod my head. I know what I need to do.

I get out of bed and walk into the living room. In the kitchen, Ace is starting to pan fry some burgers. He doesn’t bother to look up at me when I walk toward him. I can’t say I blame him.

I nervously tuck my long hair behind my ear and clear my throat. “So, I’m sure you know I’m going to get a new plane with the insurance money for Qilaq, right?”

Ace jerks his head up and his face knots with confusion, like he’s trying to figure out a riddle. “Okay,” he answers slowly.

“Well, I would need a place to store her. The new Cessna, I mean. I couldn’t just leave her out in the open, letting ice buildup on her wings.” I wave to the darkening window.

Wow, it’s getting late. I didn’t realize the sun went down.

Ace frowns. “Don’t you have a place like that in Fairbanks?”

“Also, I would need a landing strip. Taking off and landing out here is hard enough without some even pavement to put her down on,” I continue, ignoring his question.

“Out here?” He raises his eyebrows. “Wait, are you saying that you’re gonna stay?” Ace tilts his head and narrows his gray eyes.

“I’d love to.” I finally admit it out loud and am surprised by the flood of relief that washes over me.

“Really?” He drops his spatula into the greasy frying pan and rushes to my side. Before I know it, I’m being spun around the room in a dizzying circle and laughter is erupting from me.

“Really,” I squeal.

“You have no idea how happy you’re making me. Razor’s gonna flip. We can build you some storage, Caitlin. And we’ll figure out a landing strip too. Nothing is impossible.” He sandwiches his hands on either side of my face so hard that my cheeks squish up and my lips stick out and he kisses me on the forehead.

Woof! Woof!

The barking is deep, even for Gunnar. Frantic scratches at the door make us rush over and open it right away. From the darkness, the black dog emerges and prances at our feet.

“What is it, boy? Where’s Razor?” Ace looks out the door for a sign of him.

Gunnar rushes back out into the snow and then inside only to bark loudly and head back out again.

“Fuck!” Realization crests over Ace’s face.

“What?” I don’t understand what’s going on. Why is Gunnar acting so strange? Where’s Razor?

“He wants us to follow him.” Ace jerks his head toward the big dog and starts getting his coat on. “There’s something wrong with Razor!”