Chapter Ten
Sinner: Feeling really shitty right now.
Lola: Why?
Sinner: Miss you so much, and just, remembering stuff. You had every right to leave to do whatever it is you need to do.
Lola: What is going on?
Sinner: Just realized that life is way too fucking short right now.
Lola nibbled her lip and wondered what else to say. The text had come through really late, which she didn’t mind. She loved hearing from him. It was one of the highlights of her day.
Lola: Do you need to talk about it?
Her cell phone rang. “What’s wrong, Sinner?”
“I just really needed to hear your voice.”
“Are you crying?”
“No. I’m not crying. I’ve just spent most of the night out in the fucking cold, and I just got into my hotel room. I was spending time with Lucius, and we got talking, and drinking. Is it too late to talk?”
She glanced at her clock to see it was the early hours of the morning.
“It’s fine. Talk away.”
“Did you know Lexie was pregnant again?”
“No. I didn’t.”
“Devil’s here. So are Pussy, Ripper, and Death. They came on a manhunt to make sure I hadn’t died.”
“Good. I’m glad. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“We were having a little party with the other Nomad club members. There’s a few of them, and then there’s Lucius and Roxy. Let’s just say shit got real too fucking quickly.”
She listened as he explained the relationship between Lucius and Roxy, and also Roxy’s medical problem.
“That is awful.”
“Yeah, Lucius isn’t in the right fucking place right now. In fact, I’d say he’s in a dangerous place. Kind of scary as well.”
“Angel called me,” she said when there was a lull in the conversation.
“She did?”
“Yeah, there’s a erm, they’re planning a get-together this Christmas. Some of the Chaos Bleeds and The Skulls. I was thinking of going. What about you?”
“You’d be there?”
“Yes, that’s what I said. I would be there, and I’d love for you to be there as well. We could make a thing of it. You know, catch up? I’ll get you a present as well.”
“Call it a date, babe. I will be there.”
“I’ll let Angel know, or you can tell Devil. I really don’t know how this all works. Will you even be allowed there as part of the Nomad Chapter?” she asked.
“I’m still me. Nothing has changed.”
She smiled. “I’m glad to hear that.”
“I’m sorry for calling you so late or so early.”
“It’s fine. I’ll get up. Go for a walk or something.”
They said their good-byes, and she lay back in her bed, thinking of Sinner, of his kindness, and his love.
It was strange. She had gone from being kidnapped by a monster, to finding solace with a bunch of men known for doing monstrous things. There was just something about The Skulls and Chaos Bleeds. They lived by their own code, and she had felt safe with them, safer than with anyone else.
****
The days passed without any event for Lola. Sarah was in fact a charming person when she wasn’t being a bitch, but then any woman could be like that. Work continued to be exactly that, work. There was nothing inspiring about it. Clients phoned up, she handled their queries, sold them stuff they needed, and then helped them work through their mishaps.
The end of the day would roll around, and she would go and try something new. She had gone to different clubs with Belinda and Sarah. Had been the fifth wheel in a date. Had awkward moments when their dates brought dates.
She did her best to be upfront with the men. They were there because of their friends, and she was there because of her friends. Her heart, her body, and her mind were with Sinner. They talked often on the phone, and she knew he was going through a rough time right now. Being on the road and with Lucius wasn’t being as much fun as she had hoped it would be for him. Roxy, the girl he had talked to her about, was not getting better, and was getting worse.
Even though she had yet to return to Piston County or even to Fort Wills, that didn’t stop the regular visitors, including Whizz.
“You left that building looking really fucking bored,” he said. They were sitting in café near where she worked. It was late, and she was tired, and hungry.
“It is a boring place. You’d look down your crooked nose at it. You wouldn’t like it at all.”
“Neither do you. You’ve got a shitload of potential. Why here?” he asked.
“You know why here, and you know that it’s working, so stop trying to confuse me with your questions.”
The waiter came to them, and they ordered their food.
“That is an improvement,” Whizz said.
“What is?”
“For a long time, you allowed me to order for you. Now you ordered for yourself.”
“A lot is changing. You probably don’t really see it, but it’s happening.”
Whizz chuckled. “I see it.”
“So, is Lacey alive or did you hide her body behind your tool shed or something?”
He sighed. “I got angry. She was still in the house. Sally and Daisy were out. I lost my temper, but I would never hurt her. We argued. That was all.”
“Poor Whizz,” she said.
“Yeah, poor me. She can’t cook, and yet she keeps on trying.”
“She just wants to look after you. One day Sally is going to fly the precious nest, and then who is going to cook your precious dinner?”
Whizz frowned. “Damn, I hadn’t thought of that.”
“Have you thought about who might take Sally away?” she asked, curious.
“First, no guy is going to be taking my girl away from the nest, not unless she wants to be taken,” Whizz said. “Secondly, fuck, I’ve got to figure out how to find a decent cook.”
She chuckled. “It’s always fun being with you. Are you staying around for long?”
“Just long enough to try to convince you to get rid of this job. You don’t need it. We both know you’re better than this dull mundane crap,” he said.
“You mean coding the website for Old Ladies MC clothing line?”
“That could be one thing, and another could be hacking. That can still be a lot of fun. You could be in control of all of Chaos Bleeds security rather than leaving it to me.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re exaggerating.”
“I’m not. Why do you think I’m always visiting, huh? It’s not that I don’t like you, Lola, but I’ve got a life, too, and it’s not at Piston County. I work hard for my club, and they’re where my loyalties lie.”
“What about when Simon and Tabitha grow up, get married, and have babies? Our clubs are coming together. You’ve got to see that.”
“Two clubs, two different places, still need two of everything. Now, they already have two of everything.”
“What about Butch?” she asked.
“What about him?”
“When are you going to stop punishing him, and you know, grow up?”
Whizz rolled his eyes. “None of your business. Butch has a life for himself in Vegas. That was long before you got involved with the clubs.”
She blew a raspberry.
“You know that you’ve got shitloads of potential and you’re wasting it on shitty businesses that will be closed down within the year. I could be training you. I could be helping you, and clean up those edges that make you sloppy.”
“Hey!”
“I practiced.”
“I know. Lacey’s told me that she thinks you get turned on by computers rather than by her.”
“She said that to you?”
Lola shrugged. “Does it?”
“No. Computers are life, okay? They’re everything. Anyone who fights them is a loser.”
“A loser?”
“Yeah. You can blow raspberries, I can call people and things losers.”
It was always fun with Whizz. He never made her feel less of herself, or think about her own past.
“I want you to think about it.”
“I will.”
“I’m not asking you to try and lure you back to Piston County, or because anyone else has asked me to ask you. I’m asking because I know it’s important. I know you can do it, and you love both clubs. We work together to protect each other.”
“Sarah found out that information about me. Did you leave it for her to find?”
“There was media coverage over what happened, Lola. I can’t control everything. There would be something somewhere. I didn’t leave anything for anyone to find. This what you’ve got out here, this is all you. This is all that you’ve accomplished, no one else.”
She smiled. “Well, I have to say, that does make me feel proud. I was wondering if you guys had been helping.”
“Nope. I can guarantee that your sucky little life is all your own doing.”
She rolled her eyes. “What exactly would you need me to do?”
Whizz leaned forward, and she followed him. “You’d be dealing with security. Checking Chaos Bleeds financials, dealing with companies, handling possible stock markets. The Skulls have taken several hits. Now that we don’t deal with Ned Walker anymore, we have to bring in income. You could use your knowledge to help expand the website with the clothes thing.”
“It’s called fashion,” she said.
“It’s boring.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, computers are the future.”
“They’re the present, you know that.” Whizz chuckled. “You really do like to pretend you don’t know what is going on, but you do.”
“How is life at The Skulls?” she asked. Her entire world had been about computers. Her parents had gotten her a computer at the age of seven. That very first computer had been huge. There was no other word for it. She had gotten all As in her tests, and had even taken extracurricular classes to get it. One of her teachers had also told her parents that she excelled at computers and that it may even be worth the investment to get her a computer. Everything had been perfect. If only she had known that right at that moment, it would lead her to this moment.
It’s not all bad.
You have The Skulls.
You have Chaos Bleeds.
You’ve got more friends and family than you’ve ever had in your entire life.
Without this path, you wouldn’t have Sinner.
Just the thought of being without him in her life was enough to make her feel the pain. Every second of being in Andrew’s torture was worth being with Sinner.
“It’s fine. Lash is turning out to be a damn good Prez. He knew how to bring us out of all the illegal shit. We’re legit, we’ve got income, the markets are doing fine. I keep an eye on them, and if there’s anything that goes wrong, we can recover. It’s only a small segment of our income, but it’s enough to bring us in a nice little profit.”
She nodded. “That’s great.”
“Have you gone and seen your parents yet?” he asked.
Her mind went completely blank.
“You haven’t, have you?”
“It’s not something I’ve been able to do yet.”
Whizz stared at her for the longest time. “Do you even talk to them?”
“Yeah, I do. On the phone, you know. I don’t want them to expect too much from me.”
“You’ve got to forgive them.”
“There’s nothing to forgive.” She forced a smile.
Whizz kept staring at her.
“What?” she asked.
“They’re your family, Lola. They were out searching for you just like us. It’s not like you didn’t have anyone.”
“The whole time I was with them, they were staring at me like was some bug under a microscope. I wouldn’t have gotten such detailed looks if I was a monster in a fucking zoo,” she said. It had hurt her more than she had let anyone know. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she was angry with crying. She didn’t want to cry.
Crying was a weakness, and she was sick of it.
Wiping away her tears, she looked anywhere and everywhere but at him.
“It hurt?”
“Of course, it did.” She laughed. “My own parents looked at me like I was a freak.”
“You ever thought that they may have been looking at you out of fear.”
She frowned. “What? I wasn’t going to do anything to them. They had nothing to fear from me.”
“Or maybe they were scared that if for a second they turned their backs on you, you’d take matters into your own hands.” He gave her a pointed look, and she frowned. “Lacey had a lot of bad shit happen to her.”
She knew what had happened to Lacey. They had spoken openly to each other late one night not long after Lola had recovered and left her parents. Lacey had been ganged raped, beaten, and nearly killed. She had been a young child, not even a teenager yet.
“I know about Lacey,” Lola said.
“Lacey tried to end her life multiple times,” Whizz said. “For a long time, she couldn’t handle the memories. I’m not saying she was weak. We all deal with this stuff in our own way. Me, I pressed weights. I threw myself into my work. You, you hid from it. It was like you pushed it to the back of your mind, and slowly, you’re processing it. Like a computer.”
She smiled. “I’m mechanical?”
“No. If you were mechanical, you would have shut down already from being overloaded.”
“What do you think I should do?”
“I think you should give your parents a chance. They still love you, and you love them.”
“I’m not ready,” she said.
“Then you’ve got to give yourself more time. You’re stronger than you realize. I only hope that you can see that.”
****
“There is way too much pussy here, and none of them are Sasha,” Pussy said, taking a large gulp of his beer.
“You’re not even interested?” Sinner asked.
In the past, Pussy had been all about fucking, sex, and licking pussy. If there was a woman willing, Pussy would be there. Now though, he was epitome of monogamy.
“Not at all. I tell you, Sasha is all mine. No other man has been with her, and I fucking love her. Besides, she’d probably beat me with a cast iron skillet if I stepped out on her, not that there is any chance of that,” Pussy said, laughing. “My dick has one name, and one name only, Sasha.”
Sinner laughed along with him, and took a drink of his beer. Ripper was in fact on the dancefloor with Roxy. The two had hit it off, and were getting along really well.
What Sinner had come to see was that Roxy was one of those women that drew people to her. It wasn’t sexual. She was simply a nice woman, a kind woman. He liked her, and after witnessing Lucius’s breakdown, he knew that it would affect his friend greatly. Glancing down the bar, he saw the man in question drinking straight from the scotch bottle. They had been riding up and down the coast for the past couple of weeks, and he still hadn’t changed. Every time they settled down, he drank his way into oblivion.
No one could reach him, and after the first night, no one even tried.
“You have some serious moves,” Ripper said, collapsing against the edge of the bar. “My wife would adore you. Maybe one day you could stop by Piston County and meet her.”
The smile on Roxy’s face slipped a bit. “Yeah, maybe one day that would be fun.”
“Excellent. I’m just going to go and check in on her and our kids.” Ripper pulled out his cell phone, and made his way out of the club.
“Can you believe how different we all are?” Pussy asked.
“How do you mean?”
“Years ago, we would have had several of these bitches eating out of the palm of our hand. Now, it’s all different. The only woman I want is Sasha. You’re taken. We’re all taken in our own little way.” Pussy took a long drink of his beer.
“Do you ever miss it?” Sinner asked. “Do you ever long to take one of those women around the back of the bar, and fuck her until she can’t remember her own name?”
Pussy shook his head without even looking at the dancefloor. “None of them are like my Sasha. She trusted me when no one else would, and to me, that’s better than anything in the world. I love her more than anything. Just thinking about her, I can’t stop smiling.” And there was indeed a smile on his face. It was a large one as well, kind of scary. “Think about it. Sasha couldn’t see a fucking thing. She was blind. There was no way of her knowing who she was marrying. I could have been fucking ugly, evil to the core, and yet she would touch my face, and I would feel utterly different. She trusted me out of everyone in her life, and that, I will never forget.”
“Hey, what’s her mother doing lately?” Sasha’s mother had been addicted to drugs, booze, and prescription meds while her then-husband, Sasha’s stepfather had been hurting her. When Chaos Bleeds learned the truth, they’d helped her, got her into rehab.
“She’s seeing some rich millionaire out in England, last I heard. Sasha writes to her, and I listen to the letters. I don’t think there is much love lost between mother and daughter.” Pussy’s phone blinked, and Sinner watched as he pulled it out, and the smile on his face was so endearing. “They can’t wait for me to come home.” He tilted his phone for him to see the picture of a cake, Sasha, and Shay getting bigger by the day. The smiles on their selfies was so endearing that it made Sinner pause, and wish that was what he was getting.
“I’ve got to go and take a leak,” he said.
Finishing his drink, he made his way out of the bar, around the back toward the darkened alley. Grabbing his cell phone, he dialed Lola’s number. They were both on this journey together, but it didn’t stop him from loving her, not one bit. Their time apart was essential, but he missed her so much.
Moments like these when he had his club brothers with him who were sharing pictures that he wished he had, he missed her. The house, the kids, the life, he wanted it all.
She picked up on the third ring. “Hello.”
In the background, he heard a lot of noise. “Where are you?” he asked.
“Oh, sorry, it’s a party. Only it’s a house party. I thought it was going to be a small event, but it’s feeling more and more high school. Hold on a sec, I’m just grabbing my jacket and heading out.”
Even though she was at a party and not at home, he couldn’t help but smile. She hadn’t been able to handle the Chaos Bleeds parties without freaking out.
“It’s so cold,” she said. He heard more noises that sounded like her putting on a jacket, and then she was walking. The noise soon went quiet. “There, all better. Hi, Sinner.” She giggled. “How have you been?”
“I’m doing great. Believe it or not, I’ve just come out of my own party. Well, it’s a nightclub, but several of the guys are here. You started a Sinner hunt.”
“Really? Who’s there?”
“Devil, Ripper, Pussy, and Death. They must have already been on the road by the time that I called you.”
“I cannot believe him. He told me that you had your own life to lead, and that he couldn’t keep track of you.”
“Ah, the thing about Devil is, he pretends not to care, but deep down, he’s a big softie. Of course, you betray him, and he will shoot you in the head, merely for the fun of it.”
“Right, I must remember that.”
“Yes, you must.”
Again, she laughed. “It’s so good to hear from you. I know it has only been a couple of days, but I really like hearing your voice.”
“I miss you, too, baby. It was really weird to be honest. I was sitting at the bar chatting with Pussy. Asking if he missed chasing around women—”
“Do you miss it?”
“No. Not at all. I’m more than happy with what we’ve got, babe. What about you?”
“I never chased boys. I’ve got one man I’m interested in, and I’m speaking to him right now.”
The smile was not coming off his face anytime soon. “So anyway, I was asking him if he missed it, and being Pussy, of course not. Let’s face it, he’s completely devoted to Sasha. If he was ever going to step out on her, it would have been years ago, when they first got together, and he realized how hard it was for her. Then a picture came on his phone. Sasha and Shay. They had made him a cake, telling him they were excited for him to come home, and it got me thinking, do you want kids?”
“Do I want kids?”
“Yeah, little Lolas and Sinners running around.”
“I hadn’t thought about it. I didn’t know you wanted kids?”
Just the thought of Lola swollen with his kid had him hard as fucking rock. He couldn’t help it. The two of them, together. “We’d have to move out of our apartment, you know. Get a nice big place. Maybe something near to Devil and Lexie. Our kids could play.”
“They wouldn’t be short of partners and playing.”
“No, they wouldn’t.” He chuckled, thinking about the next generation of Chaos Bleeds. Everything was changing, and he never thought he’d enjoy how fast it was moving, but he did. He didn’t want to get off that train of movement and change. He wanted to jump right back on, and be there with Lola and with his club.
“Boys or girls?” she asked.
“Either. I wouldn’t care. Do you think I’d be a good dad?”
“You’d be the best, Sinner. Everything you do, you do in the best possible way. You shouldn’t doubt yourself one bit.”
He heard her sigh, not a heavy one either. She sounded happy. “Are you okay, babe?”
“I had a talk with Whizz. It was … hard.”
“You and Whizz conversed and you found it hard? How is that even possible?” He wasn’t jealous of Whizz and Lola’s relationship. When they had first rescued her, she had needed someone to talk to. Someone who knew exactly what she was going through, and that hadn’t been him, or anyone else. Whizz understood her, and he had been able to reach Lola, and bring her back into herself, in a way that Sinner hadn’t been able to.
“He thinks I need to go and see my family.”
“What do you think?”
“I think there’s a reason I didn’t go and see them, and I don’t want to go and see them.”
He knew all about the reasons why she didn’t want to see them, and it broke his heart. She avoided them as much as possible.
“This is about you growing, and about you finding yourself once again, babe. You and I both know what you need to do.”
“I know what I need to do. It doesn’t mean that I like it.”
He laughed. “So, you’re going to go and see your parents?”
“One day. Not yet. I’m not ready. I’m not sure at all. Ugh, why do I have to do this? I don’t want to do this, not at all.”
Sinner knew she was going to do it. Every time she hated something, she would list a million and one reasons as to why she hated it, and yet she would go and do it anyway.
“You’re laughing at me, aren’t you?”
“Just a little, but that is only because I think you’re cute.”
She blew a raspberry. “I wish you were here.”
“Funny you should mention that, because I was wishing that you were here.”
“I love you, Sinner.”
“I love you, too, babe. I’ll let you go take care of stuff.”
She sighed. “Okay, fine.”
He disconnected the call. Just hearing her voice made him feel better.