I could probably pry myself off this couch and do something productive. I’m sure I could, actually. I don’t feel too bad physically, besides a little iffy in my stomach from anxiety.

It’s mental exhaustion that has me down for the count. If not, lying on this couch for the past three hours should’ve revived me.

Closing my eyes feels good for about five seconds, just long enough to quiet everything in my brain. All that does is allow everything to kind of reboot and start from scratch, and I have to work my way back through it from the beginning.

Besides Ford, I now have my dad to worry about. He promised this morning when I called to check on him that he was okay. There’s something in his tone that worries me. He’s too calm, too sure he’s going to be fine.

My stomach twists and churns. I lay a hand on top of my belly button and listen to it actually gurgle. It’s gross.

Deciding to try to force myself to take a nap, my eyelids don’t touch before a knock sounds on the door.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I mutter, throwing off the fleece blanket and getting to my feet. Stumbling to the entryway, I call out, “Who is it?”

“It’s Ford.”

It doesn’t go unnoticed that my nerves quell just a little as I unlatch the lock. He hears it and opens it himself.

Stepping inside, he does a quick once-over.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, tugging my t-shirt down.

“Just checking on you. You haven’t called me back from this morning.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you,” I say as he bends and kisses my cheek. “I got busy and I haven’t felt good today. I came home early and couched it.”

“You should’ve called,” he says, taking my hand in his. “I would’ve brought you some soup or something and couched it with you.”

“I’ll be fine. Just tired, I think.”

He leads me to the living room and sits. Before I can take a spot next to him, he pulls me on his lap. I don’t argue. Instead, I curl up against his chest and listen to his heartbeat, steady and strong.

My body relaxes, my shoulders softening, and I sink deeper into him. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.

“I was going to make you get all dressed up and take you dinner,” he whispers. “I wanted to show you off.”

I grin against his shirt. “Not tonight.”

“I’m okay with sitting with you like this all night. No complaints from me.”

We sit quietly, the only sound coming from a talk show on the television.

“I talked to Danielle today,” he says. “She loved the idea of partnering up with Halcyon on a back-to-school fundraiser in the fall.”

“Really?”

“Really.” He kisses the top of my head. “I told her all about you and she can’t wait to meet you.”

Fisting his shirt in my hands, I squeeze my eyes closed. “Do you really think that’s a good idea, Ford?”

“What? You meeting Danielle? Yeah. You’ll get along great.”

I pull away and scoot off his lap. “I’m sure she’s fabulous. And thank you for mentioning Halcyon to her. That means a lot to me.”

He pulls his brows together and takes me in. “What are you getting at?”

“I just … I think we’ve been going a little too fast.”

I flinch when he laughs. It’s not what I’m expecting. Not at all.

“Fast? Are you kidding me right now?” he asks. “Hell, I’ve been doing everything I can to slow this down.”

“I didn’t realize you didn’t want—”

His index finger lies against my lips, silencing me. “If I had my way, you’d be moved in with me already, beautiful.”

I beg my heart to behave and not start swooning. I can’t. Not this time. This time, I have to be an adult and think.

“Ellie? What’s wrong?”

“I, um, I just think we need to take a step back.”

“Why in the hell would we do that?”

“We’re just barreling along here, being complete hedonists, and not thinking about the ramifications later,” I say, the words spilling out quicker than I can keep up. “We are on such different pages in our lives and there’s no sense in keeping this up when we can see if we’d just look that we can’t—”

His mouth is pressed against mine, his hand palming the back of my head. The words are scooped up with his tongue as I sigh the rest of them in his mouth.

Not having a choice to kiss him or not is a relief. I’d have said no, but maybe I wouldn’t have meant it.

This is where I’m happy. This is where I want to be, wrapped up in his arms, breathing him in. It just doesn’t mean it’s the best place for me.

He breaks the kisses, tapping one on my nose, before pulling away. “Let’s try this again. This time, without a hundred-word ramble,” he grins.

I clear my throat, my lips still stinging from his delicious assault. “Okay. What I was trying to say is that I think we need to not press this thing between us any farther than it already is. Not right now.”

“And … why would we do that?”

“We want different things, for one,” I sigh, standing up. Making my way to the mantle, I figure it’s far enough away from him to think. “You want … I don’t even know what you want,” I admit. “That’s a problem.”

“I want you. How hard is that to wrap your head around?”

“You say that, but then you tell me you want to get married, have kids, get a dog …”

“I have a dog and she’s epic. If I tried to replace her, it would hurt her feelings.”

“You know what I mean,” I say, rolling my eyes. “You want this cookie-cutter life, and I just don’t know that I want that.”

“Why not?” He scoots to the edge of the sofa, resting his elbows on his knees. “You love me. I love you. Maybe we haven’t said those things yet, but it’s as fact as the day is long.”

A soft smile tickles my lips and I sit on the edge of the fireplace stoop to stop the shakiness in my legs. “You say that, and then you say you’re going to go trekking all over the country. That’s not really conducive to a family lifestyle, Ford.”

“I said I might do that,” he groans. “Might, as in maybe. Possibly. Not definitely.”

“I can tell you I definitely don’t want to live that way. I want to live here, with my father, my business, my roots. I don’t want a long-distance relationship. I have no interest. Zero.” I pick up a magazine and roll it in my hands. “But I know you have to go with your brother.”

“I don’t have to do jack shit.”

“But you will. Because that’s who you are. Because that’s the man I adore.”

He leans back against the cushions and puts his hands on his face. “Why do I feel like you’ve just shoved a mile away from me?”

When I don’t answer, he finally looks at me. There’s fear etched on his face. I see it, too, when he forces a swallow.

“Ellie, baby, don’t do this.”

“I’m not doing anything,” I promise. “I just … I’m between a rock and a hard place here.”

“Why do you think that? I don’t get it.”

“If I give in to you and just go with the flow, follow my heart …”

“You don’t trust me.” It’s more of a question than a statement, a phrase uttered with disbelief. “You don’t, don’t you?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just … what happens if in a year from now, I’m sitting here alone with a baby and you’re off God knows where doing God knows what? Then what, Ford? Do you think that’s the life I want?”

His jaw hangs open as he exhales, narrowing his eyes like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. I just sit on the stone fireplace and watch him.

“You know it’s not. After all, isn’t that one of the reasons you claim to have left me the first time? You wanted the freedom to do things and felt like it wasn’t fair to make me wait on you or follow you around?”

He runs a hand through his hair, tugging briefly before letting go. “For fuck’s sake, Ellie. What do I have to do?”

“I’m not asking you to do anything. I’m just saying that until we figure out where our paths are going, maybe we shouldn’t be getting too involved.”

He springs off the couch, his body vibrating with irritation. “We shouldn’t be getting too involved? You really just fucking said that?”

“You know what I mean.”

“You know what? I don’t. I don’t get a word of this bullshit.”

“Think about it,” I say, standing up so I don’t feel so vulnerable. “Taking a step back gives us some breathing room.”

He’s across the room and inches from me before I can take any precautions otherwise. His chest rises and falls so hard, I think it’s going to slam into mine.

“What if I don’t want breathing room?” he asks.

“I do.”

He nods, a look of skepticism on his face. “Tell you what—you can have some breathing room if that’s what you want.”

Even though it’s what I said I wanted, my heart crashes anyway. He’s still standing in front of me, and I could call this off with one little word, yet I already miss him. I already ache for him. I already crave him and feel the void he’s instantly carved in my life.

Tears fill my eyes, but I blink them back. This is what I wanted. I have to remind myself.

That’s easier said than done when I see the emotions he’s wearing on his shirtsleeve.

“This doesn’t change anything,” he warns me. “This doesn’t change how I feel or what I want.”

I can’t blink fast enough. A solitary tear trickles down my cheek.

“I love you,” he whispers, his eyes shining with emotion. “I love the hell out of you.”

My words barely come out over the lump in my throat. “I love you too.”

“Then don’t you see how stupid this is?”

“It feels stupid,” I admit. “But I just want to be careful.”

A kiss comes quick and soft, his hands cupping the sides of my face. “I’ll call Violet and have her bring you some soup,” he says.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I told you this doesn’t change anything for me.”

He holds my gaze for a long moment, and then, with a hefty sigh, he drops his hands. He may as well have dropped my heart as he walks out the front door.