“You look like crap.” Heath makes a face as he breezes by me and falls dramatically in the recliner. “And I thought I was having a bad hair day.”

“That key was for emergencies,” I tell him. “That’s the second time you’ve just barged in. I’m going to take it away.”

“Would you rather have dragged your sorry butt off the couch? I could’ve knocked,” he points out.

“He’s been this way all day,” Violet sighs, picking up my legs and sitting on the end of the sofa. She drops my feet on her lap. “How ya feeling?”

“Meh. I feel like I’ve been lit on fire and stomped on.” Rolling over to my side, I look at Heath. “The yellow polo shirt looks good on you.”

“Thanks,” he grins. “I thought I looked pretty banging in it.”

“Has Ford called today?” Violet asks.

I give her a look.

“He called me,” she offers. “He was worried when I told him you didn’t meet us this morning. I’m supposed to check in with him later. He said he had a meeting with his brothers later today.”

“Can you imagine that board meeting?” Heath asks. “It’s like a game of How Many Hotties Can We Fit in One Room?”

We all laugh. For the first time in the last two days, I don’t feel like I’m at death’s door. My stomach isn’t gurgling and my head doesn’t feel as stuffed with cotton.

I sniffle to be sure.

“You have the flu or what?” Violet asks. “I was in the bakery this morning and they were saying lots of people have come down with a nasty bug.”

“I guess. My dad has it too. I called him a few minutes ago and he said he’s been in bed since yesterday. Just feeling wiped out.”

Heath adjusts in his seat. “Is that how you feel? Wiped out?”

“Does it look like I’ve gotten off this couch in a couple of days?” I laugh. “I just want to sleep. But on the bright side, I think I’ve lost five pounds.”

His eyes snap to Violet’s. Something, not vomit this time, rumbles in my stomach. “What?”

Violet grins at Heath. “Is it possible … ?”

Heath laughs. “Oh, you know it’s possible, and if it’s not, she doesn’t deserve him!”

“What in the hell are you two talking about?” I say, scooting up on the pillow so I’m sitting.

Heath bends forward, his eyes shining. “Has it ever crossed your mind that you’re pregnant?”

The vomit is back now in full force. “No,” I say loudly. “I’m not pregnant.”

My mouth goes dry as the acid in my stomach that was quelled just a few seconds ago is now churning like a volcano ready to erupt. I can’t be pregnant. I mean, I can. I could be. Technically. But I can’t. Not really. That would just …

“Hey,” Violet says, her hand resting on my shins. “One thought at a time.”

“I have the flu, guys,” I insist. “It’s what my dad has. I probably caught it from him or the girls in the bakery this week. I mean, I …”

Breathing takes effort as what feels like the entire room caves in on me. There’s a franticness that I can’t control, a slew of reminders of feeling this way once before hitting me in waves.

“I’m going to be sick.” I leap up, holding my stomach, and race to the bathroom. As I spill the last few drinks of water into the toilet, I add in a few salty tears.

Violet takes my hair and pulls it to the side, her other hand rubbing small circles on my back. After I’m sure I’m done heaving, I look at her and laugh. It’s a sad, terrified sound, more like a crazy person than her best friend.

The wall is cool as I lean on it. Violet sits beside me on the bathroom floor. She doesn’t offer me advice or direction or tell me to get up and deal with whatever it is. We just sit there looking at the light blue wall.

“I have the flu,” I mutter. My mouth tastes like bile and it almost makes me get sick again. My face feels swollen, puffy, and I really wish that was my biggest concern. Laughing, I look at Vi. “Funny how things put other things in perspective. Now I just wish I was worried Ford might stop by and I’d look like shit.”

I look down at my stomach. It looks the same. But is it still the same? Or is it quietly harboring a secret I didn’t know?

Forcing a swallow, I look at Violet. She’s watching me patiently, the side of her lip starting to curve upward.

“I’m afraid to really consider this is a possibility,” I admit.

The room might be spinning. I find a toothbrush sticking out of the holder on the sink and focus on that to keep from falling over.

A series of emotions tumbles through me, and I don’t know which to grab on to.

“Breathe, Ellie,” Violet whispers.

“It’s harder than you think.” I blow out a shaky breath and refill my lungs. “I’m not ready for this. I mean, if that’s what it is.”

“It might just be the flu.”

“Maybe. I hope so.” Timidly, I rest my hand on my stomach. All I can feel is the gurgle from the acid that threatens to expel, but I close my eyes anyway.

Déjà vu strikes me hard in the feels. I was terrified then. I knew in my soul that I was too young to do it properly, to do it the way my mom did it. I was terrified then. But I may be more scared now.

Would I be ready for this now? Would I be ready to take on all the changes a baby would require? I’ve been telling Ford I’m not in a place to do those things and I don’t feel like I am.

I want to follow through the promises I made to my mother—to see things and do things and live a life that’s more than she did. If I have a child, I …

“I’m gonna be sick.” I heave again into the toilet, the tile floor biting into my knees. Violet kneels beside me and it occurs to me that in the moment I might find out I’m going to be a mother, I need mothering. Certainly this is evidence of failure on my part.

Taking the washcloth offered me, I wipe my mouth and rock back on my heels. “I need to know. I probably have some virus and this is all for nothing. But I need to know.”

Violet nods. “Heath ran to the pharmacy on the corner.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“We knew you’d want to know. And maybe we wanted to know too.”

“Of course this is about you,” I laugh. My tone is shaky and hearing that only makes me more anxious. “I don’t know if I can do this, Vi. What would this mean for Halcyon? What would it—”

“One thing at a time. Besides, this isn’t the end of the world if it’s true.”

“Your business partner is going to be a lot less partner-y.”

“Good. I’ll do what I want,” she winks. When I start to object, she laughs. “Ellie, babies are a blessing. Maybe it’s not how you planned it. Maybe it’s going to make some things harder, I’ll give you that. But I’ve never heard a mother say she wishes she didn’t have her child.”

My shoulders slump. “I had so many plans. I really feel like my life was just taking off. And now this?”

I close my eyes and try to find the happy place that Mallory teaches us to find at yoga. My center. My zen. Before I find it, Heath appears at the doorway.

“How are we doing?” he asks.

“Fork it over.” I extend a hand, palm up.

He flashes Violet a look.

“I know you have it so just give it to me,” I order.

With a sneaky grin, he lays a slender box in my hand. It feels like it weighs a ton. The weight of my future lies in this piece of cardboard.

As I ponder whether I really want to do this or not, my phone rings in the living room. Heath goes to get it. When he returns, it’s in his hand. “It’s Ford.”

“It’s like he has ESP or something,” I groan. “Will you answer it? Tell him not to come by here. Make up some reason because I don’t want to see him.”

“He’s going to want to check on you,” Violet chimes in.

“Tell him … tell him I have some errands to run today and am leaving in a minute. Tell him I’ll call him later.”

Heath beams, swiping open my phone and walking away. His tone, almost cooing in the line, makes me roll my eyes.

“You’re trusting Heath to talk to Ford?” Violet laughs.

“Only because I’m absolutely sure Ford’s not gay.” I struggle to stand, my knees wobbly. “That’s what got us here, after all.”

She laughs. I don’t.

I look in the mirror. My face is worse than I even imagined. Broken blood vessels in my cheeks from straining, puffy eyes, drained skin.

Violet’s face pops up next to mine. “Want me to stay or go?”

“Go. In the hallway. I’ll tell you when I know something.”

She squeezes my shoulder and disappears, closing the door snugly behind her.

The box feels like a bomb in my hand, ready to go off at any minute and blow up my world, one that I’ve been so careful with. As I open it and read the instructions, basically trying to figure out how many stripes mean what, I try to squash a flurry of eagerness trying to take over.

I think of anything I can except what I’m doing as I pee on the stick. Placing it on the counter while I wash my hands, I don’t look at it. I know that whatever it shows in a few seconds will change my life one way or the other.

After I’ve dried my hands so that not a drop of water remains, flushed the toilet, dried off the counter, and fixed my hair in the mirror, I look.

Two. Pink. Stripes.

The gasp isn’t completely out of my mouth when the door shoves open. I register it. I sense the movement of Vi and Heath coming in, but I don’t move. I just stare at this little piece of plastic in front of me.

“I knew it,” Violet gushes, pulling me in a hug. I don’t hug her back. I don’t even move my arms. I just hold the stick in front of my face and feel the hot tears slowly move down my cheeks.

Heath’s arms wrap around the two of us as we stand in the middle of my bathroom. No one says a word.

All I can think about is telling Ford and his reaction. I wonder how it will mirror the first time I had to tell him I thought we were having a baby.

The tears come harder as I’m flooded with so many emotions I can’t even begin to get them together. My friends hold me, rubbing my back, whispering things in my ear that I can’t hear over the sound of my own thoughts.

Once I simmer down and they release me, I set the test on the counter and splash cool water on my face. It’s only when I’ve pressed a towel to my eyes do I even try to speak.

“Well, there goes Wine Wednesday,” I attempt to joke. “That wasn’t funny, was it?”

“Do you have any idea how beautiful this child is going to be?” Heath gushes.

“She’s not there yet, Heath. Give her a second.”

Pulling the lavender cloth from my face, I look between my two best friends. “This is either a monumental fuck-up or the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m not sure which.”

I do know. I can feel it creeping into my heart, twisting itself around hopes and dreams that have scattered through my soul and binding them together. What comes with that? Blinding fear.

A family with a man like Ford is every woman’s fantasy. Maybe I didn’t want it now if I had the choice. Maybe I needed more time to get there. But the concept is something that has been the pinnacle of my wish-list for almost a decade, a pipedream I thought was unattainable. What happens if it gets ruined? What if it doesn’t work out? What if—

“Easy,” Violet laughs, bumping me with her hip. “I don’t know where you just checked out to, but I’m going to need you to come back.”

“I’m afraid to tell him.”

“Why? He’s going to be over the moon!” Violet looks at me like I’m crazy. “I kinda want to watch him find out.”

The faces she makes usually make me laugh, but it doesn’t even register now.

“What if I tell him … what if that’s like jinxing it or something?” I wipe my eyes. “What if he comes at me like I know he will, wanting to put some plan into place to do everything the right way, and I …” I close my eyes, a sudden dizziness rocking me.

“You don’t want to?” Heath crooks a brow. “I’d prepare myself for him going off the deep end in the sexiest way, my friend.”

My phone dings in Heath’s hand. He looks at it and then up to me. “You’d be smart to call your baby daddy back or it appears he’ll be showing up here.”

“What did he say?” I groan.

“The text reads, ‘Either call me back or I’m coming to see you. I need to know you’re okay. You have ten minutes, babe.’ He called you ‘babe,’” Heath gushes.

I roll my eyes. “Tell him … tell him I’m going into a meeting and I’ll call him in a little bit.”

“So don’t say congratulations or anything?”

“Heath, don’t you even joke about this!” I say, springing to my feet. My stomach flip-flops and I flash a look at Violet. “This sickness isn’t going away, is it?”

She laughs, tossing an arm around my shoulders. “Not for nine months, friend.”