Drayton needed a break. The two hours of silence in the car with Vann were deafening. “I’m pulling into this service plaza so we can stretch our legs and grab something to eat.”

He circled the busy lot, finally finding a parking spot. They exited the car and walked side by side to the doorway.

The moment they crossed the threshold, the constant buzz of chatter from the busy rest stop and the bouquet of scents from the various eatery spots assaulted his senses. He imagined Vann was experiencing the same sensory overload, but magnified. Vann stopped for a moment, his jaw firmly set and his eyes scanning the area. A woman quickly passed him on the right to chase her running child, triggering him to jerk his body to the left to avoid the contact. He crossed his arms and tugged on his T-shirt collar, his chest heaving with each rapid breath.

“You okay?” Drayton asked.

Vann quickly nodded. Too quickly. He tightened his arms across his broad, thick chest as his gaze ping-ponged from side to side.

“What do you feel like eating?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

Drayton pointed to the quiet restaurant in the corner, farthest away from the fast food stations. “Let’s go over there.” He steered them toward a booth, and they each took a seat opposite the other. The server appeared and handed them two menus, leaving when Drayton requested a few minutes to review the options. “What looks good to you?”

Vann shrugged.

Drayton sighed. He hated this, hated seeing the weight of the world lying on Vann’s shoulders. This wasn’t the same man who had beaten bullies for him. This man was different. He seemed broken, as if life had beaten him and kicked him in the gut one too many times and left a shell of a man to go through the motions. He sat across from Drayton, with his head lowered and his hands under the table, probably in his lap. His head was ducked as if reading the menu, but Drayton was sure he wasn’t scanning the printed text. “See anything you like?”

Vann shrugged again.

Drayton kneaded the building tension from his temples as the frustration seeped in. The Vann before him was very different from the cocky young man who always had something to say. The server arrived again, and he caved at Vann’s silence, placing an order for two cheeseburgers. They quietly ate, Drayton offering ketchup, napkins, anything he could think of to trigger some vocalized response as Vann picked at his food. 

Nothing seemed to work. They returned to the car and back onto the highway. 

After another hour of silence, his mind drifted to a memory.

 

“What’s the deal with your parents?” an almost fourteen-year-old Vann asked. “Why do you sit outside the club instead of going inside with them?”

“Easier…I guess.” A barely seventeen-year-old Drayton balanced the book in his lap as he shifted a little to the side to make space for his friend to sit.

“Why easier?” Vann asked, plopping himself on the ground next to him.

“Someone might see you sitting with me.”

“So?” Vann said.

“They might pick on you. I’m not worth the headache.”

“I’ll sit where I want to sit. If someone doesn’t like it, they can take a hike. So why is it easier to sit out here in the sun instead of being inside?”

Drayton fidgeted with the edges of the textbook, squinting at the bright sun as he thought of how best to formulate his thoughts. “All the kids from school get dropped off here. So it’d be weird if I didn’t come here.”

“And where are all those other fancy rich kids?”

“I don’t know. Probably inside.”

“Why don’t you go inside? Either with them or with your parents?” Vann asked, shielding his eyes from the sun.

Drayton shrugged. “No point. They always ignore me.”

“Why?”

Drayton shrugged again. “Because they can.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know, Vann. For the same reason other people either pick on me or ignore me. They don’t like me. I don’t care.”

Truth was, it stung like hell to not fit in. Regardless of how hard he tried, he never seemed to read people well enough to understand when his words would be misinterpreted. He aced any higher math and science test he had encountered, but—more often than not—failed at things relating to the human condition.

“You do care. And that’s going to hold you back. Ignore all that crap.” Vann paused for a moment. Every now and then, the undercover introspective side of Vann peeked through the bad-boy facade others usually saw. “You’re going to change the world and those fuckers know it. I don’t know how you’re going to do it, but I feel it and I’m pretty sure they all do too. You’re too damn smart for them to figure out, and they can’t sucker you into doing what they want you to do. You don’t need any of them and that terrifies them because they all need something or someone. For them, it’s easier to ignore you than deal with that truth.”

Drayton closed the textbook and set it aside. He brought his knees up and wrapped his arms around his legs, resting his chin on his knees. He’d give anything to be able to figure out people. “I don’t like being ignored.”

“No one likes that shit.”

Drayton looked over to his friend. “You don’t ignore me.”

Vann gave him a half smile. “I could never ignore you. You’re my best friend.”

 

Drayton blew out a frustrated breath as his grip tightened on the steering wheel. He recalled the memory easily and how much it stung to be ignored, but it didn’t compare to the ache caused by Vann’s present silence. “Are you going to ignore me the whole drive down?” he finally asked.

That seemed to grab Vann’s attention. “I’m not ignoring you.”

“Your mind’s going a million miles a second. It’s obvious you’ve got questions and we’ve got time. So ask.”

Vann rubbed his palms against his jeans. “Why did you pick me up?”

Drayton switched his focus between the road and his passenger. “Would you have preferred someone else?” He damn sure wasn’t going to deny that stung.

“I thought I was asking the questions,” Vann mumbled.

Drayton sighed. Dammit. This was not how he wanted their first day together to go. “I thought the one-on-one would be easier than getting stuck on a bus.”

“It is,” Vann said then quieted again.

They traveled for another half hour, the only sounds the occasional honk of a horn or the wind of the speeding cars driving too close and faster than what Drayton considered safe. Times like these he wished he’d taken up the suggestion to add some sort of sound simulator to the car. The lack of noise from the electric car simply punctuated the sudden distance growing between them.

“If you’re not going to ask questions, then I will. Why didn’t you answer my letters?”

Vann continued to stare out the passenger side window. “I did respond,” he whispered.

“I sent you a letter every week. You sent me two letters in ten years. Two fucking letters, Vann. Two.” Drayton ran a hand through his hair, slamming his hand back on the steering wheel. “Why didn’t you let me visit you?”

After a few minutes of silence, Vann finally spoke. “I…didn’t want you to see me like that.”

“You know I wouldn’t have cared about that.”

Vann sharply turned in his seat to face him. “I did!” He inched back in surprise, as if shocked by his own tone. He steeled his features and turned away again, focusing on the view of vegetation moving by in a fast blur out of the passenger window.

Quiet Vann was new. 

Quiet Vann frustrated him.

Quiet Vann pissed him the fuck off.

“We’re not doing this.” Drayton flipped on his turn signal, making his way to the right side of the road.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re talking,” Drayton said, pulling onto the shoulder.

“You can’t just pull off like this. The shoulder’s too fucking narrow.”

“Watch me.” Drayton slowed to a stop and shifted the car to park. He turned to face Vann, trying to control the slow building mixture of anger, frustration, and worry churning in his stomach. “Talk to me.”

Vann’s focus was sharply pinned on him. His nostrils flared with the contained emotion warring within. Was he angry? Was he scared? Hell, Drayton didn’t know how to handle this shit. Ten years waiting to see the man he loved, waiting to hear his voice, and now, he refused to accept this was how their reunion would unfold. He did the only thing his mind could focus on.

He unclipped his seat belt and switched off the car. He swung open his door and stepped out, ignoring the honk of the rigs and cars speeding by them on the highway.

Fuck the cars and fuck the fact that he’d pulled off onto the almost nonexistent gravel shoulder.

There was no way in hell he was losing Vann a second time. Especially now that he finally had him so close after a decade apart.

 

 

∞ ♥ ∞

 

 

Vann stilled in the car. Drayton was officially losing his fucking mind. He walked around the front of the car over to Vann’s side and swung open the passenger door, barely missing the metal guardrail framing the edge of the drop into the high trees.

“What the hell are you doing?” Vann yelled over the sound of the highway and the cars speeding by.

“Get out of the car.”

“You’re fucking crazy!”

“We’re talking. You don’t want to do it in the car, we’re doing it out here.”

Vann remained in the passenger seat, staring at this possessed version of Drayton he didn’t recognize. Over the course of their friendship, the lanky, cute-as-hell bookworm with the thick-framed glasses had transitioned into a lean, sexy smart-as-hell boyfriend who’d colored far too many fantasies when they were together. But it seemed Drayton had gone through yet another transformation during the last decade. He’d managed to fully develop that often hidden layer of confidence he had always been reluctant to show to others. He stood poised, exuded strength, and commanded attention. It was sexy as all hell and a bright flashing indication to Vann that Drayton had moved on and become the strong, independent man Vann always knew he’d become.

All without Vann at his side.

He couldn’t see how he fit in the equation anymore, and the striking confirmation of what he had suspected while doing his time had suffocated him from the moment he’d clicked his belt in place and they’d begun the long drive to the halfway house.

Drayton had moved on.

Drayton had moved on…without him.

“Get out of the fucking car. Now!”

Vann swallowed heavily. He unclipped his belt and pushed out of the car, standing in the small distance between the parked car and the metal guardrail offering the only protection from the steep drop into the trees that didn’t seem to look as nice now as they did when they were speeding by in a blur.

“Talk to me, Vann. Say something. Say anything!”

Vann crossed his arms and sneered at the honking car that sped by. If they kept lingering out here on the side of the highway, neither of them would be yelling or talking for much longer. Drayton yelled again and Vann finally mirrored his stance. “What do you want me to say?”

“Do you have any idea what it’s been like for me these last ten years?”

Vann scowled. “Do you have any idea what it’s been like for me?”

“No, I don’t have a fucking clue. You know why?” Drayton took a step forward when Vann didn’t answer. “Because you didn’t let me visit you and you didn’t write back! Ten years, Vann. Ten. Fucking. Years. You want to know what it’s been like for me? It’s been hell. A painful, lonely hell without you.”

Vann took a deep breath. “Ditto.”

Drayton planted his hands on his hips and quieted, shaking his head after a few moments. “I know it couldn’t have been easy. Why did you refuse to see me?”

“I…told you why in that letter. It would have been too hard.” He forced each breath in and out. There was so much he wanted to say but didn’t have a right to say any of it. He’d lost all rights to anything with Drayton the moment he had set foot in that prison. And even though Drayton hadn’t said anything, everything about him was different. He was more confident than ever and exuded success. He looked stunning, more striking as if that were even possible. All clear signs Drayton had found a way to move on.

“Bullshit.”

Vann clenched his jaw. “No, Dray. Not bullshit. You think it was easy for me to not see you? Do you think I wanted to do it on my own?” Do you think I wanted to give you up?

Drayton stepped forward, his mouth set in a straight, firm line. “Bullshit. What aren’t you telling me?”

“I killed your fath—”

“He was trying to kill me,” Drayton yelled. “You saved me!”

“I. Killed. Your. Father! I can’t ever take that back. I ripped apart your family because I was with you.”

Drayton vehemently shook his head. “We did nothing wrong. Nothing! He was the homophobic son of a bitch worried about what people thought. He was the one who came into my bedroom in the middle of the night swinging a nine iron. Had you not been there, I’d be the one dead right now.”

Vann quieted. He hated remembering that day. The memory always too vivid in his mind and impossible to ignore. Seeing Drayton, unmoving, covered in blood with his father hovering over him ready to swing again. He remembered the pain, the aching hollowness in his chest when he held Drayton’s limp body in his arms. He could still hear the echo of his yell, begging Drayton to breathe again.

“Vann! Are you listening to me?”

He shook his head, returning to the here and now and—what the fuck—craziness of standing on the highway shoulder that was barely the width of a car.

“I know my hell was different than yours. But I chose you!”

Vann scowled and swung his arms open in frustration. “What the hell does that even mean?”

Drayton looked up to the heavens as a growl tore from his lips. “Were you not listening to me? After that day, my mother forced me to decide…you or the family reputation and everything that came with it. I chose you.”

The sound of the honking horns faded into the sudden buzz in his head. Drayton walked up to him and cupped his face.

Vann gasped at the contact. No one had touched him that way in so long that every dormant neuron in his system took notice and sparked to life.

“Vann,” Drayton said with a sigh, brushing his thumb along his shaved jaw. “You were worth more to me than the family name and money. I never stopped loving you. Never. Not for a single second. Not when my mother disowned me, not when she stripped me of my trust fund, and not when she kicked me out of the house without a penny to my name. Not. Once. You’re always here,” he said, pointing the tip of his finger to his temple. “And here,” he added, placing his palm against his chest. “That’s never changed.” He stared, waiting for a response.

Vann couldn’t breathe. His throat was tight, and it took entirely too much effort to focus on anything past the hum in his body.

“And I know you wrote that letter to protect me. I. Know. That. I never second-guessed that for a moment. But I didn’t want to move on without you. The only reason I was able to move forward is because I imagined you there, with me. Every single step of the way. I never, for a single second, lost hope that you would be out of there. I guess…I guess I didn’t think you’d…” Drayton hesitated then cursed under his breath. He released Vann’s face and his throat worked as he swallowed heavily. “Did…you stop loving me back?”

Vann couldn’t think clearly enough to string together the thoughts struggling in his brain. Drayton still loved him? Drayton. Still. Loved. Him. “I…I couldn’t see the moon anymore.”

Drayton’s eyebrows drew together in confusion.

I feel so fucking stupid. Inside, there wasn’t much to hold on to, just random memories. It was amazing how the brain managed to grab onto the tiniest of things and make them the foundation for something grand. “You told me…‘whenever I look up and see the moon, you’ll know I’m looking up at that same moon thinking about how much I love you.’ I…I couldn’t see the moon from my cell,” he finished on a whisper, shocked he had been able to push the words through the knot that had lodged itself in his throat.

“You think that meant I stopped loving you?”

Vann shrugged. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he knew it was silly. But rational thought wasn’t always at the forefront when stuck in a small concrete square for so many years surrounded by a group of inmates classified as brutes and savages. “I haven’t seen the moon since I went in.” He finally looked up and made eye contact with Drayton. He had to look away again from the intensity in those gray eyes. “I figured there was no way you could ever see me differently after what I did, and I couldn’t stand that.” He swallowed heavily, trying to voice his thoughts. “But you were always the nice guy, trying to do what was right. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to come see me. You just didn’t fit in a place like that. And…I didn’t want you to see me in there. I knew you’d be sad and I couldn’t stand the thought of doing that to you. I made my decision that day. And I accepted the fact that I took a life and had to pay for that with mine in return. But I didn’t want you to trade in yours too and be forced to see me when there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d ever get out. That wasn’t fair to you. You were free to have a life and I didn’t want to hold you back from living it,” he finished, pushing the words through his now gravelly voice.

“So you made the decision for me?”

“I was trying to do the right thing for once in my fucked-up life.”

“Don’t ever make a decision for me without talking to me first. Do you understand?”

Vann nodded.

Drayton pulled him into a tight embrace, wrapping his arms around him. “After you’re settled in, we’re going to talk this out and we’re going to work through whatever we need to work through. I love you, Vann. I always have and always will. If you don’t love me, tell me right now, and I swear, I’ll stop.” He released Vann from the embrace but braced his arms as he searched his features.

Vann scowled. “You always saw through my bullshit. No sense lying to you now.”

A hint of a smile tugged at the corner of Drayton’s mouth and a sudden calmness washed over his expression.

“When the hell did you become so damn bossy?” Vann asked.

The smile finally broke free. “Damn I missed you.”

Vann reached out then hesitated. He had no right to ask anything more of Drayton after everything he had done for him already. Dray couldn’t possibly understand how important he was to him—being a part of the only happy moments in his life and how his letters helped him stay sane during the last ten years. His fingers itched to touch him. His soul craved the reconnection and begged for the contact. He pulled his hand away then glanced up at Drayton, hoping to hide the pain ripping through his body. He wanted to touch him again, to feel those arms wrapped around him, holding him close.

“It’s okay,” Drayton said, taking his hand and pulling him into an embrace.

Vann sighed, soaking in the warmth of Drayton’s body enveloping him. He eased into the hold, perfectly molding against Drayton’s lean-muscled frame. The pain of separation ebbed and a calming peace began to spread through his limbs. He had missed this more than he could ever explain—a feeling of wholeness and rightness he only ever felt in Drayton’s presence.

He groaned when a honking horn of a passerby burst their private bubble. “We need to get off this highway. It would really suck if we became roadkill.”

“Get in the car,” Drayton said, finally releasing him then turning away to walk around the car to the driver’s side.

Vann didn’t need to be told twice. He quickly opened the door and jumped back into the safety of the quiet cockpit-like cocoon. Drayton waited until a few cars passed then opened the driver side door and slid inside, closing the door, finally silencing the chaos around them.

“You’re fucking crazy, Dray.”

“Yeah, well. That’s what you’ve always done to me,” Drayton said, clipping his seat belt in place and ending the conversation.