Chapter 18- Jack
Two monumental things have happened over the last few weeks.
First and foremost, it turns out I can’t move on. I live for the moment I get to see Lela in the studio. I relish every moment we’re together. I go home, lock myself in my room, and live for the moment I get to see her again.
So that brings me to the second thing. I’m miserable.
Except for when I’m with her, I’ve been in a perpetual mad mood. In my mind, I try to hash a way I can be with her and fuck the consequences. Since my birthday party, I’ve been on the verge of an emotional meltdown too many times to count. I’ve turned into a romantic sap. Basically, I’ve turned into Hunter. Hunter came right out and asked me what my problem was. I made up a lame excuse, which I know he doesn’t buy.
He also noticed Leila’s been emotional lately and insinuated that it was my fault. I couldn’t even get angry with him. I simply told him that she has some family stuff she’s dealing with and he didn’t ask questions. I am worried about her. I feel like reaching out to Evan to make sure she is ok. I’m not convinced that she feels comfortable to talk to me about anything that is bothering her. For that I have no one to blame except for myself. I’m the ass that kissed her, twice.
Today is our July 4th barbeque. Honestly, I wish I could ditch the guys and just spend the day with Leila. I would love to take her out of the city, and drive to a quiet beach alone. Since bonding with her in her apartment, I now see us together doing couple things and not just having sex. My thoughts about Leila started with hot, mind-blowing sex yet have most definitely progressed. It’s really freaking me out even more than the sex dreams did. Sex I understand. Relationships I don’t.
I haven’t shared this with anyone. So it eats away at my confidence, and my ability to act like Jack Lair is supposed to act. Hunter has taken over my roof, and has been hanging out with Amanda a lot lately. She has a roommate, so he prefers that she come to our place. From the looks of Hunter’s face, they have finally turned a corner. I should be happy for him, but it pisses me off. He gets to be with someone he cares for openly, and I don’t. Every time I see them together in the apartment, I want to hit something.
Amanda spent the night again last night and I’m standing in my usual spot in the kitchen, consuming my third cup of coffee. They both emerge from his room and Amanda blushes the instant she sees me.
“Hey Jack, you’re up early.” Hunter comments while dragging her into the kitchen. She looks like she wants to run out the door.
“Hi, Jack.”
“Hey, Amanda.” I plaster on a saccharin smile. “You kids have fun last night?”
Amanda looks down and blushes even deeper, and Hunter turns to pull her into a hug. “We did. Lots of F.U.N.”
“Hunt.”
“What?” He kisses her cheek. Ugh, they are making me sick.
I tell them as much, “Ok then, you two lovebirds are sickening.” I turn and make my way into my room. “Bye, Amanda.”
As I shut my door, I hear Hunter saying to her, “Don’t be mad.”
Robotically, I work out, shower, dress and wait in my room. I feel like a prisoner, until I hear the apartment door close. I’m guessing Amanda took off and I can finally emerge again without feeling like a third wheel.
Hunter is busy in the kitchen pulling crap out for our barbeque. He looks up and without beating around the bush he asks, “What the hell is going on with you lately?” My gut instinct is to tell him to fuck off.
“Nothing, why?” I try to act indifferently. I don’t really want to tell him the truth, but this charade I have going is exhausting.
“You’re full of shit and you know it. You haven’t had a chick here in weeks. You haven’t been with Trini. What the fuck is going on?”
He looks completely pissed off. Why does he car so much about my social life?
“Why does it matter to you if I haven’t picked up a chick?”
“Because it can affect the band.” He thunders arrogantly.
“Why do my fucking habits affect my band?”
“It’s happened already. You haven’t written a song in weeks. You are completely impassive during rehearsals. The old Jack would argue for hours over d sharp versus f sharp. The old Jack wouldn’t let us stop to take a piss. So I’ll ask you again, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Jack, cut the shit. Just tell me what’s going on.”
We stare each other down until I crack. “I’m fucked up.”
“What do you mean you’re fucked up? Are you on something?”
“Jesus, Hunter…no, I’m not on something.” Walking towards the couch, I sit heavily while pondering how much I should admit to Hunter. He watches and waits for me to speak. After waiting several minutes, his patience wears thin.
“Damn it Jack…what the fuck is going on?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose while squeezing my eyes shut and murmur very quietly. “I think I fell in love.”
Hunter starts laughing his ass off. He just loses it, cracking himself up. It takes every fiber of my being to not pummel him through a wall.
“Fuck you.” I stalk towards the apartment door. I’m going to kill him if I don’t get away from him.
“Wait, you’re shitting me right?” He says trying to get me to stop. Ignoring him, I slam the door behind me.
I’m on the roof all of three minutes when he shows up. “Leave me the fuck alone.” I say, wanting nothing to do with him. I really don’t want to be here at all. Maybe I’ll borrow Scott’s van and take off for a day or two. I need to get away from everyone and everything.
He pulls up a chair and sits facing me. “You aren’t kidding?”
I feel my blood boiling over, and instinctually clench my fists. “No…I’m not fucking kidding.” I say with my jaw clenched so tightly, I feel like I can crack a tooth.
Hunter watches my body language and smirks, “You gonna hit me?”
“Shut up.”
He sits back and scratches the back of his head. “Hey man, I’m sorry. I really thought you were fucking with me.” He tries to sound contrite, but the smirk on his face is giving him away.
“Yeah, well I wish I were.”
“Shit. How did this happen?”
“I have no idea. I can’t stop thinking about her. Hell, is this even love? How the fuck should I know?”
“When did this happen?”
“I don’t know, the last few weeks? I think I realized it the night of my party.”
He looks confused and is trying to process in his head who I was with that night. “Trini?” he asks with disbelief.
“No.”
“Do I know her?”
“Yeah, you do.”
“Who?”
I can’t say it.
After a few minutes, he barks, “WHO!?”
“Leila.” My heart is pounding from admitting it out loud.
He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. Then realizes it and reins it in. As he leans forward with his elbows on his knees, he stares at the ground.
“Leila?”
I nod my head and mimic his posture. We sit like this for the longest time, until Hunter finally speaks. “Did you two hook up?”
“No. I kissed her, twice. That’s it.”
“And you fell in love?” He sounds incredulous.
“I know, it doesn’t make sense.”
“Damn man, I don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah, thanks.” Sitting back against the couch, I suddenly feel exhausted. “I really would appreciate it if you kept this to yourself.”
“I’m not telling anyone. How is this going to work Jack?” he asks calling me out on all the issues I have been dealing with myself.
I want to say, “I’m going to tell her.”
Instead, I say, “I’ve been ignoring it.”
Hunter lets out a single belly laugh.
Great.
“Come on Jack, ignore it? Because that’s worked out so well for you so far.”
Sighing my concession, he continues. “There is no way you can continue being celibate. How long has it been since you fucked someone?”
No, there is definitely no way I can continue being celibate.
“Rachel.” Yep, that wacko was my last fuck. So fitting.
“You haven’t even been with Trini since then?”
“Nope.”
“Damn. Are you sure it hasn’t shriveled up and fell off?”
“Screw you.”