One day before Papa comes home I arrange a meeting with Mama. We meet in our usual place — the ladies toilet in Harrods. A long time ago we decided that it was perfect for us. It is very clean and beautiful. It’s more like the fine dressing room of a rich Russian or Arab woman. The staff never bother us, leaving us alone to chat quietly. When it is time for us to leave, usually thirty or forty minutes later, I slip a fifty pound note into their tip saucer. I don’t know what Vadim must be thinking about my time in the toilet, but so far he has pretended it is normal for me to disappear into the toilet and come out nearly an hour later.

To avoid Vadim ever seeing my mother, she is already waiting in the toilet. I hug and kiss her and we sit down.

‘You look wonderful. Have you been on the sunbed?’ she asks.

‘I’ve been to Nice,’ I tell her.

She shakes her head. ‘You didn’t tell me you were going on holiday.’

‘It was a surprise visit,’ I tell her, smiling broadly.

Her face changes. ‘What’s going on, Tasha?’

I tell her about Noah. The whole time she frowns and looks more and more disturbed.

‘Where is all of this going, Tasha?’ she asks when I have told her everything.

‘I love him, and I’m going to tell Papa when he gets back that I’m not going to marry Oliver.’

Her whole face contorts with fear. ‘What?’

‘I plan to tell Papa that I don’t want to marry Oliver. I found out that Oliver is not what he has been pretending to be.’

‘Oh, darling. That’s not going to work with your father.’

‘Why not?’

She shakes her head, her brow creased with anxiety. ‘You don’t know him like I do. He will not agree. His pride is at stake.’

‘He will, Mama. I know he wants me to be happy. He thought I could be happy with Oliver, but once I tell him that I could never be happy he won’t force me. Papa has never hurt me before.’

She looks at me pityingly. ‘Oh, darling. You can never know your father. Until now you’ve never disobeyed him so you haven’t seen anything but the face of a man who has everything going exactly the way he wants it. Have you ever wondered why he let you watch me being thrown out? Why should a child witness such a cruel and ugly scene?’

Yes, it bothered me for many years. I could never understand why he let me see it. To punish my mother? To show he was boss? ‘Why?’ I whisper.

‘It was a warning to you. Disobey me and this is what I’m capable of.’

I feel her words like a chill on my skin, but I don’t allow myself to absorb that idea. It is too frightening. I don’t want to be dissuaded from my purpose.

‘It’ll be fine, Mama, you’ll see. I’ll convince Papa.’

Mama bows her head for a few seconds. When she raises her head, her eyes are troubled. ‘Whatever you do, do not tell him about Noah.’

‘I wasn’t planning to,’ I say quickly.

‘Good. Just tell him you don’t love Oliver and don’t want to marry him because he is a pervert who will make you unhappy. Don’t give him a focus for his anger, and do not be careless. After you tell your father, whatever method you are using to meet Noah, it would be wise to discard it and wait for the coast to completely clear before you attempt to see him again. Your father will immediately suspect that it is another man that has made you change your mind and he will be watching you closely.’

She looks sad.

‘In fact,’ she adds, ‘I believe it may already be too late. You have most probably done something to alert him. Look at your face. You are glowing. I knew the moment I saw you that you were different.’

I lean forward, my heart beating fast. ‘Do you really think he knows?’

‘If I know him as well as I think I do, then, yes. He can read people like a book. He is waiting for you to make your next move so he can make his. He already knows his move.’

I feel a shiver of fear go through me. ‘He loves me,’ I insist stubbornly, because it is too painful for me to believe that my father could be such a bitter enemy of mine.

‘Darling, darling Tasha. There is no other way to say this. Your father is a psychopath. Asking him to love you is like asking a plate or a table to love you. In fact, it would be unfair even to ask it of him because he can’t do it. He is incapable of love. There is no one he truly loves other than himself. You and your Baba are around only because it suits him. If it didn’t he would have no hesitation to get rid of either of you.’

I gasp.

‘If you look deep into his eyes you will see nothing. There is nothing at his core. There is only a naked, all-consuming, aggressive, grotesque obsession for more and more and more material gain and glorification.’

That afternoon I go to see Baba. She is sitting in the garden with her coat and hat on, and her eyes are closed as she soaks in the last rays of the sun. She opens one eye when my shadow falls on her, before closing it back.

‘Sit, Sergei,’ I say as I sink into the chair next to hers. He lies down next to me.

‘Baba,’ I say, gently tickling Sergei behind his ear, and keeping my voice neutral and casual. ‘Do you think that Papa loves me?’

She does a strange thing. She doesn’t immediately look at me and say, of course, he does. She takes a deep breath and doesn’t turn to look at me. ‘Why do you ask this?’

‘I don’t know. I just wondered.’

‘The honest answer is I don’t know. Let’s hope we never have to test his love for you.’

I chew at my bottom lip. ‘Do you think this great alliance he has planned with Oliver is more important to him than my happiness?’

She sighs softly. ‘I have always told you the truth, and no matter how much it hurts I will not lie to you. Your happiness is not more important than this alliance he has planned.’

‘I see,’ I note quietly. ‘What will he do if I refuse to marry Oliver?’

She turns to me then, her eyes urgent. ‘Do you really want your man?’

‘Yes,’ I say immediately.

‘If you really value your dream, then you’ll say nothing. You will give your father no warning, no opportunity to strike first. You will simply run away with your man. Take nothing that can be traced back to you. Leave every single person you know behind, and start again in South America, or Asia. Are you prepared to do that?’

‘I can’t leave you and Mama.’

‘Then you will not have your dream,’ she says with such finality that I grow cold inside.

I lean forward restlessly. ‘But even if I could leave you and Mama, Noah will not consent to run and hide as if we have done something wrong, anyway. We’d be looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives. Noah is not afraid of Papa. He says he is ready to take on Papa.’

In the last rays of the sun, Baba suddenly looks old. ‘If what you say is true you must prepare for bloodshed. His or your father’s.’