Affecting indifference around Josh isn’t easy. Each time we’re near one another he chips away at my resistance until I want to catapult into his arms and declare my love for him. When his lips were on mine, I made the decision to throw caution to the wind. Consequences be damned; I wanted to give us a chance.

Then reality once again reminded me in the cruelest way possible I had lost my opportunity. Liberty. Great. I didn’t want to know her name. It was bad enough knowing she exists and means something to him. And, she’s even prettier than I remembered with her light blonde hair and blue eyes. She’s bright like sunshine and I’m dark like mud. It’s impossible to miss the contrast between us and seeing her was the perfect reminder of my place in Josh’s life. Or should I say lack of a place?

“Elle,” Kyle calls my name, interrupting my contemplation. “You can visit now.” He flashes me a smile. I rise to my feet, following, letting myself be encircled by the sheer happiness pouring out of him.

“Janny’s a little tired, but she’s doing great. Lily is sleeping like an angel.” We walk along one beige hallway, before turning down another. He stops mid-way in front of doorway. I notice the white board on the wall outside the room says McKenzie and I smile. My best friend is married and now a mother too. I never would have imagined this scenario. Not in a million years and yet it’s perfect. Janny is right where she belongs and I couldn’t be happier for her.

“Are you ready to meet your niece?”

“Are you kidding? I didn’t think this day would ever come.”

He ushers me into the room before him. I can’t hold in my smile when I see Janny holding baby Lily in her arms. She’s a natural at this.

Janny glances up as I approach, a smile ghosting her lips where they rest on the cluster of blonde hair on Lily’s head.

“Congratulations, mommy,” I say, my eyes filling with tears. “She’s gorgeous.” My hoarse voice reflects the awe I feel at seeing this tiny bit of perfection my two friends created.

“You want to hold her?” Janny asks.

“Give me. Give me. Lily needs to know how much auntie Elle loves her already.” Janny gently hands her to me as I lean over her bed. Sinking down onto the vacant recliner, I cradle Lily to my chest. She’s so tiny, each feature so minute and flawless. How does she breathe out of those tiny nostrils? Her dark eyebrows are barely more than fuzz on her fair face as they furrow in a frown while she continues to sleep. Her pink lips are shaped like Janny’s as they pucker adorably. Smiling, I wonder if she’s getting hungry. Cuddling her close, I press a kiss on the top of her soft hair and realize I want this for myself. I want to be holding a child of my own in my arms. I don’t know when or how, but...someday.

“Hey, I heard there’s a party in here,” Kenna says as she enters the room, followed by her husband Derek.

“You heard, right,” Janny replies with a smile as they both lean down to kiss her on the cheek. Kyle steps up to shake hands with Derek and then Kenna throws her arms around him, squeezing him tight. “I can’t believe you’re a daddy now. Actually, I can’t believe I’m an auntie.”

“Would you like to hold Lily?” I ask, wanting to be polite and give them a chance to officially meet their niece. I can’t keep her forever - as much as I’d like to.

“Yes,” Kenna squeals running away from me as I prepare to hand Lily to her.

“Where are you going? The baby’s this way,” I joke.

Kenna holds her hand under the hand sanitizer dispenser on the wall and then rubs her hands together. “Foam in - foam out. Gotta keep our little angel free of germs.”

“Derek, you better not hold her then,” Kyle says, with a grin.

Remaining at the hospital for as long as possible, I was hoping Josh would come back. If he really wanted to see me, wouldn’t he have made the effort? Then again, he has Liberty so why would he need me?

Fingers gripping the smooth wheel of my Mercedes Benz GLS, I peer through the wet windshield as the wipers move side to side. The weather is the perfect companion for my depressed state. Sitting at home alone will only make me feel worse. I need to get out and stay busy. Who can I call that will make me forget about Josh for a few hours?

* * *

“I have to say, hearing from you was a pleasant surprise,” Johnny raises his bottle of beer in my direction with a wink, before taking a deep pull.

“Good, I’m glad you think so.” Sipping on my glass of red wine, I peer at him in the dim bar lighting. He’s tall, dark and hot. There’s no denying it. He’s exactly my type - if this was nine months ago. These days my perfect guy is an artistic, sexy, caring, well-mannered blonde with green eyes...named Josh. Thinking about him makes me panic.

How did this happen?

How did we go from friends to all this sexual tension?

My small sips turn into gulps and the glass is drained in no time. Placing it on the table, I avoid looking at Johnny. Instead raising my hand for the waitress.

“How’ve you been, Elle?” he asks, his eyebrow quirked.

I’m sure, his cop eyes see right through me. My fingers spin the cardboard drink coaster on the wooden tabletop. “I’ve been better, but I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? You don’t seem like you’re okay.”

I shrug. “I’m not sure it’s worth talking about. I was hoping you could make me forget my problems, not dredge them all up.”

“When you say forget, what do you have in mind?” He leans forward, resting his muscular forearms on the table.

“Whatever it takes.”

* * *

“Oh god,” I moan, sweat running down my bare back.

“Easy,” Johnny coaxes from behind me, my hair clasped in his hand. His hand on my hip steadies me. “Breathe,” he whispers soothingly. His bare chest is a solid wall behind me.

“How can I have anything left to throw up?” I run a hand over my damp brow.

“Breathe slowly. It will help to settle your stomach.”

“You know this how?”

“It’s common sense.”

“I hope you’re right.” My legs tremble beneath me; both my hands grip the toilet seat. “If not, I won’t survive the rest of this night.”

“I’m always right.”

“I hope so for my sake. Remind me to never drink again.”

“I took you at your word when you said you wanted to forget.”

“I don’t think shots were what I had in mind.”

He sinks down to the floor and pulls me onto his lap. His arm wraps around my waist. “Lean back on me.” His voice is a deep rumble. “I know what you think you wanted to happen tonight and as fucking fantastic as sex between us would be, you’d have hated yourself in the morning.”

“I’m hating myself right now. I might be hating you even more since you’re the one who kept buying shots for me.”

He chuckles. “This is for the best. If we fucked, it would scratch the itch momentarily, but I’m not the one who’s making you itchy in the first place.”

I snort. “Interesting logic.”

“My logic is perfect. Don’t act like it doesn’t make sense.” He runs a hand over my hair. “Friends look out for each other. I’m glad you called me and not some other guy you know or this night could have gone much differently for you.”

Knowing he’s right, I nod. “Me too,” I sigh. “Thanks for looking out for me.”

After I’ve showered and brushed my teeth, I climb into Johnny’s king-sized bed. Propping the pillows beneath my head, I listen to the soothing sound of the shower coming from his bathroom. Surprisingly, my thoughts don’t wander to what Johnny’s hard, naked body would look like under the spray. Instead, my mind is immersed in thoughts of Josh’s warm lips on mine, his hand holding my head in place, controlling me. He instinctively knows what I like. He’s alpha without being over the top. Commanding in his own way, it’s something I’ve never experienced before. I don’t need to be ordered around like I’m incapable of thinking for myself. There’s a fine line between an alpha male and a guy who comes off as a dickhead. Until Josh, no one has been able to find the right balance.

My eyes slowly open, taking in the vacant space next to me. Breathing a sigh of relief, I’m thankful this doesn’t have to be an awkward morning after situation. Climbing out of bed, I pull the sheet and comforter neatly up, before heading into the bathroom. After working the knots out of my hair and brushing my teeth, I feel a little better. I find my shorts on top of his nightstand and slip them up over my hips. The t-shirt he gave me to sleep in will have to suffice for now. I remember him stripping mine off in the bathroom last night after I got vomit on it and there’s no sign of it anywhere.

Slipping on my sandals, I follow the delicious aroma of breakfast cooking until I’m standing on the other side of the island that separates his kitchen from his living room. Climbing up on one of the vacant stools, I lean my elbows on the granite counter and rest my chin in my palms as I observe Johnny.

“Good morning. How are you feeling?” he asks with his back to me and then peers over his shoulder.

“I’m feeling better than I expected to be. Thank you for looking out for me last night.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be thanking me. I did help you get banged up in the first place.”

I’m not only thanking him for holding my hair while I threw up. “Yeah, but you were right. If we had done anything together I’d have regretted it, now.”

“Ouch.” He grabs his chest and laughs.

“You know what I mean. You don’t need me to say how hot you are. I’m sure your...ego gets stroked plenty.”

He barks out a laugh. “Not as much as you’d think. I work long hours and I’m getting too old for the bar scene shit.”

“Well, old man or not, if I wasn’t having strong feelings for someone else I’d be all over you.”

“If things don’t work out with this dude you let me know. I’m sure I can take your mind off him.” He reaches in the upper cabinet next to the sink, removing plates. The muscles in his arms bunch as he moves. He makes a wife beater look better than it has any right to.

As gorgeous as I find him, I’m not even remotely tempted to have sex with him. This is a new situation for me. Typically, if I’m attracted to someone and they express interest, I go for it. I’m not uptight about my sexuality. I enjoy sex; why shouldn’t I have it? Sex is one of the best things in life. Everyone needs to have more of it. Except for Josh. I don’t want him having it with anyone - unless it’s me. And that can’t happen again. He’s already involved with someone else and even if he wasn’t I doubt we’d be together.

He’s all I want and everything I can’t have.