Closing the door to the hotel room behind me, I squeeze my eyes shut and lean back against the cool metal surface. My legs are shaking and I feel like I’m going to vomit. Wrapping an arm around my stomach, I take a deep breath to calm myself. I can feel the sting of tears in my nose and I don’t want to give in to the urge to cry. Once I start, I might never stop.

Walking away from Josh was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Every cell in my body cried out to remain with him. I wanted nothing more than for him to make love to me again. I knew if I stayed in his room for a second longer, I might never leave. Josh is a forever kind of guy and I’m not the person he’s meant to be with. He deserves the best - which will never be me.

Pushing off the door, I make my way toward the elevator resolute in the decision I made. I know we spoke about spending time together, but after tonight, I’ll be lucky if Josh ever speaks to me again. My actions hurt him, but I’m doing what’s best for him. Only he doesn’t realize it yet.

I could tell by the muscle ticking in his cheek and the way his fists clenched, he was incredibly angry with me. I only hope with time he can move past the anger and understand I walked out with his best interests at heart. I care about Josh, more than anyone knows. More than I like to think about. In another world, I’d have stayed - but it’s not another world.

Climbing inside the empty elevator, I push the button for my floor and smooth a hand over my forehead. I’m getting a killer tension headache from the stress of the past twenty-four hours.

I never should have gone to Josh’s room in the first place. I knew what would happen, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. As soon as he held the last shot glass to my lips, his beautiful green gaze locked on mine and I knew my fate was sealed. His eyes flashed so much desire. A hunger like I’d never seen was aimed in my direction. It was too tempting not to grab on and enjoy the ride. As soon as his lips slammed down on mine I was lost.

In all honesty, when Josh kissed me four months ago when we were in Vegas for Derek and Kenna’s wedding, he stirred up emotions I didn’t want or expect. Until that moment, I’d always been able to convince myself we’d have no chemistry - or he’d be too vanilla for me. Boy, was I wrong.

Since then I’ve been consumed with desire for him, reliving our passionate encounter in my mind repeatedly. Now, we’ve shared the best sex of my life and I’ve had a fair amount of sex to compare it to. Which I’m not ashamed to admit. I enjoy sex and the way being with a man makes me feel. I’m sure there are some who’d assume I lack self-esteem and I’m looking to gain it through my liaisons. Maybe. Life happens and leaves its mark on you in many ways. Although, I’m no psychologist, I have enough insight to realize I’m damaged goods.

After being with Josh, I’m not sure I can move on so quickly this time. I’ll never forget how phenomenal we were together. Having another man’s hands on me won’t erase what we shared.

Once I’m inside my hotel room, I hastily pack all my things. I can’t stay here a second longer or I’ll end up knocking on his door. And since that’s not something I can allow to happen, immediate distance between us is needed.

* * *

Working in finance requires a lot of overtime hours and I willingly put them in. I refuse to give myself time to think about my night with Josh. I eat, work, sleep and repeat until it’s been three weeks since Kyle and Janny’s wedding. I haven’t seen anyone since then, haven’t spoken with my best friend, even though I’m sure she’s back from her honeymoon. I’ve been living in a self-imposed exile, avoiding any reminders of Josh. Unfortunately, this also means I’ve been ignoring calls from my closest friends. I’m not ready to face the consequences of my actions, but I can’t avoid it any longer.

It’s Memorial Day weekend and I already agreed over a month ago to attend a cookout at Kyle and Janny’s. As much as I’d like to continue living in denial, I’m prepared that reality is about to slam into me like a freight train. There’s no way Josh won’t be there. He would never disappoint Janny and he’s not the kind of person to avoid facing problems. That’s more my speed.

* * *

Pausing with my hand on the doorknob of Kyle and Janny’s house, I run a hand over my ponytail and take a deep breath. I’m not ready to walk inside and see Josh. I noticed his vehicle parked along the street and knowing with absolute certainty he’s here, makes it so much worse. Leaning my forehead against the door, I roll it from side to side. The cool metal feels soothing on my heated brow. Straightening up, I take one more breath and push the door open.

Stepping inside, I notice the quiet and sigh in relief. Everyone is outside in the backyard. I place the container with the peanut butter cookies I stayed up late baking on the beige granite counter. They’re Josh’s favorite and as much as I tell myself this isn’t why I chose to make them instead of the chocolate chip ones I prefer, I’m lying. This is my way of doing something nice for him, without him realizing.

How ridiculously warped is that?

Moving across the spacious kitchen, I peek through the glass door scoping out the lay of the land. Making sure there’s no sign of Josh before I join the party isn’t being cowardly, it’s a matter of self-preservation. I’m aware the bomb’s about to drop on me, but I’m trying to avoid it as long as possible.

Opening the door, I step onto the deck as unobtrusively as possible. Gripping the handle of the bag holding my towel and a change of clothes, my fingers nervously squeeze the canvas material.

“Hey, you made it,” Kyle’s deep voice booms from beside me.

I jerk with surprise, placing a hand on my pounding heart and smile in his direction. “I’m here. I wouldn’t miss it.”

He leans over and we share a hug. I take in his killer tan and relaxed appearance. “Married life looks good on you. You look more laid back than I’ve ever seen you.”

He laughs. “Yeah, the last three weeks have been the best of my life. I’m a lucky man.”

“The luckiest.” I smile.

“Elle,” Janny yells as she approaches. Shit. I’m trying to be inconspicuous here. “I’m so happy to see you.” She throws her arms around me and I lightly squeeze her. I’ve missed her so much. Drawing back, I hold her at arm’s length, studying her noticeably pregnant form. My lips stretch with a large smile. “You’re even more gorgeous than usual.” My eyes skim over her, taking in her sun streaked braided blonde hair and golden tan. She looks well rested and happy. “Married life agrees with you too.”

Her eyes flick to Kyle and she smiles. “It’s been awesome so far.”

“I can tell,” I say and I can’t help but smile as I glance back and forth between them. It’s amazing to see good things happening for them. There’s no one who deserves it more.

Josh comes barreling up the deck stairs his hands full of grocery bags. “Janny, where do you want me to put…” His words stop when he notices me. His eyes move back to her, effectively dismissing me and I blink back the tears wanting to escape. “These?” he finishes.

“Let’s put it all on the table and figure it out from there,” Janny suggests. The two of them begin emptying the bags, spreading out the packages of paper plates, cups and plastic ware. Normally, I’d step in and help out, but I’m feeling too self-conscious. Our night together effectively ended any friendship he and I had. Now, I’m the odd man out and I’m not used to feeling this way. I don’t like it.

“Janny, I’m going to say hi to everyone. I’ll catch up with you in a bit.” I force the words out. My voice is tight and I don’t even sound like myself.

“Okay, sounds good. I’m really glad you came.” She steps toward me and we hug once more. Glancing at Josh over her shoulder, I wait for him to look in my direction. He doesn’t. Instead, keeping his focus on opening the packages of paper products as if they’re the most interesting things he’s ever seen. It hurts to be ignored by him, but it’s for the best. He’s only doing what I’ve forced him to and what I’m not strong enough to do on my own.

When Janny steps back, I spin around, hurrying down the stairs. Once I get some distance between us, I inhale deeply. It’s the first full breath I’ve been able to take since I saw Josh.

Moving across the yard, I continue toward the large inground pool. Kenna and Derek are in the water horsing around with some of Kyle and Janny’s other friends. Placing my bag on one of the chairs situated on the patio, I peel my tank over my head and carefully adjust the top of my red bikini.

Is Josh watching me?

Kicking my flip flops off, I wiggle my favorite pair of cut off shorts down my hips, imagining his gaze is on me. Neatly folding them, I place them on the blue seat cushion along with my top. As much as keeping distance between us is necessary, I still want him to find me attractive.

As I step down into the clear pool water, I’m greeted by a wolf whistle from Johnny Ruiz, one of Kyle and Derek’s friends from the Boston Police Department. Rolling my eyes, I smile and then shake my head. “How are you, Johnny?” I push off the bottom and glide through the water toward him.

He swims in my direction and then waits in the chest high water for me to reach him. Once I’m standing in front of him he picks me up, squeezing tight. A quick, sharp squeal of surprise escapes me. I certainly wasn’t expecting his actions and being half naked in a pool with everyone watching us isn’t ideal. My breasts press against his hard chest as the heat of his body surrounds me.

“How have you been, gorgeous?” he asks, setting me back on my feet. He doesn’t release me from his arms. He stares down at me with those knowing eyes. They’re an unexpected flash of bright blue in his handsome face. With his dark hair and golden-brown skin, it’s a nice contrast and he’s undeniably attractive. I’ve always felt as though he can see all my secrets. Not because he’s a cop. There’s something about him I can’t put my finger on, but it makes him more likeable and relatable.

“I’m good,” I say, with a small grin.

“That’s not a very convincing answer.” He raises a black eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

I push on his chest. “I just got here, Johnny. Let’s save the therapy session for another time.”

He leans down, lips next to my ear, “does this mean you want there to be another time? I’d like to take you out some night.” His breath is warm on my skin and I’m not unaffected by his touch, but he’s not Josh. My heart and head are both tangled up with him right now. Becoming involved with Johnny would only add to my relationship mess. He’s a great guy and someone I could see myself developing feelings for. Any other girl would be lucky to have him, but he’s not for me.

Shaking my head, I smile. “You need to stay far away from my crazy. Run while you can.”

“You saying that isn’t really a deterrent. It only makes me want to unravel the mystery you are.”

“There’s no mystery here. I’ll give it to you straight. I’m in love with someone else.”

“Why do I sense there’s a but missing? He’s an idiot if he doesn’t want you. You’ve got beauty and brains. What more could this dude want?” He cups my cheeks with his hands, staring down with his arresting eyes. A month ago, I would have taken him up on his offer, but now I can’t even think about it.

“It’s not like he doesn’t want me. He does. We would never work out and he’s someone I care too much about to put him through hell.” I grab onto his wrists and raise my shoulders in a quick shrug. “We can’t help who we fall in love with, right?”

“Nope, unfortunately this is true. But we can make sure you have such a good time you forget all about this dude,” he says, dropping his hands from my face to slip behind me and sweep me off my feet.

“Johnny,” I nervously say his name.

He winks at me, before he tosses me through the air. Holding my breath at the last minute, I land with a splash and quickly sink underwater. I rise through the wall of bubbles prepared to get retribution. As soon as my head clears the surface, I laugh and immediately begin splashing water in his direction.