“I’m so ecstatic for Josh. I can’t believe he didn’t tell us what he’s been doing,” Janny says excitedly as I sit across from her at our favorite coffee shop. It’s the place we used to hang out between our Boston University classes and it’s also where Kyle first asked her out.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen Josh in two months, not since the Memorial Day cookout at your house.”

“You haven’t talked to him either?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Nope.” I shake my head, worried she’s going to dig for details.

“How come?”

Shrugging my shoulders, I try to keep my expression even. “I’m not sure.”

Janny cocks her head, studying me. “Why do I feel like there’s more to this story than you’re letting on?” She leans forward, resting her elbows on the table between us. “You know you can tell me anything. Even that you and Josh had sex.”

“How did you…?” my words trail off when I realize she’s tricked me.

She smiles, mischievously. “Did you honestly think I wouldn’t know my two best friends are attracted to each other?”

“Attracted to each other - yes, but no, I didn’t think you’d realize we had sex. Is this too weird? Am I a horrible person for sleeping with my best friend’s ex-boyfriend?” God, please don’t let her hate me.

“I can’t believe you have to ask me. All I want is for the two of you to be as happy as I am with Kyle.” She absentmindedly rubs her hand over her ever expanding stomach. “If that means you guys being a couple; even better. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have you end up with than Josh.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not going to happen. He hates me, now.” I stare down at my chipped pink nail polish. Why do I still think about him all the time? There’s never been a time when a guy has gotten inside my head like this. Why is he different? What is it about him that has me replaying every moment of our night together over and over in my mind?

“What makes you think so?”

Staring down at the table, I chew on my lip. I’m still ashamed of the way I treated Josh. I never should have walked out like what we did meant nothing to me. Less than nothing. He must have been so hurt by my actions. “I walked out the next morning.”

Janny’s lips form the shape of the letter O, but no sound comes out.

“Oh, is right. When I saw him at your cookout he wouldn’t even look at me. It was horrible. But his behavior was justified.” Wrapping my lips around the straw, I sip on my ice coffee. My mouth is dry from stirring up all this emotion. Making me feel things I’d rather not is what Josh does best. The cool beverage soothes the gritty feeling in my throat and breathing deep helps me to stop the tears wanting to come. “You never told me what Josh has going on that had you so excited.”

“Did you know he’s been apprenticing under a tattoo artist for three years now?”

“No, I had no idea.”

She smiles. “He’s opening his own shop and the grand opening is tomorrow.”

“Joshua Dawson?” I question incredulously.

“The one and only. Awesome, right?”

“Yeah, it’s great.” I force myself to smile. I can’t wrap my head around this new and unknown side of Josh. I’m not sure how I feel about it. How do you keep a secret of this magnitude for years? Dumb question. I’ve got secrets I’ve been keeping for longer. “So, where’s his shop located?”

“It’s right down the street from here. Do you want to swing by there with me after we finish up?”

“No,” I answer quickly. “I don’t think it would be a good idea.”

“The doors open for business tomorrow, at noon. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’d want to be his first customer.”

“How do you think big, bad Kyle would feel about that?” I smirk.

“Kyle would be fine with it. He knows he has nothing to worry about.”

* * *

Wiping my damp palms on my black shorts, I walk down the busy Boston sidewalk. I slow my breathing as I approach Josh’s new shop. I must have lost my mind to be doing this. My feet freeze when I’m about twenty feet from the entrance. I’m paralyzed with fear at the thought of being rejected by him or even worse, ignored. If he looks right through me as if I’m not even there, it will break my heart.

My eyes take in the hand carved sign in front of the brick building - Canvas Tattoo Studio. It’s a great name and it encompasses his love of painting. Taking a final deep breath, I force myself to move forward, walking up the stairs and through the open front door. My eyes grow large as I take in the interior of the shop. It’s absolutely gorgeous and I can spot so much of Josh’s touch in this space. He likes original things that add character and I see plenty of both. The wooden boards that run horizontal along the wall behind the receptionist are a great touch. My gaze continues to roam, skipping over the large crowd of attendees to pick out the details I can tell he was instrumental in choosing, like the old wine crates stacked and utilized as side tables. They’re situated on either side of the black armless leather couch, adding a nice rustic touch to the urban location. I smile when I notice a scale model of the Battlestar Galactica on one of the glass shelves hung with large black iron brackets. Josh is a massive Sci-fi geek. When he dated Janny, he got me binge watching Firefly with him. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I miss those days.

Three Years Ago

“Turn up the volume. I can’t hear what Captain Mal has to say over your loud mouth,” I say with a giggle.

Josh throws a piece of popcorn at me, hitting me on the nose. It lands on my lap and I snatch it up, popping it in my mouth. “Yum. Thanks.”

“I’m at your service,” he says throwing another piece. This one lands securely between my breasts, tucked into my cleavage.

“Nice shot,” I say, plucking it out of there and pushing it between my lips. “Who do you think is hotter? Captain Mal or Castle?”

“I don’t think about it at all.”

“Just humor me. These are the kinds of things running through my mind when you make me watch Sci-fi shows.”

“Captain Mal is younger than Castle. Younger Nathan Fillion would kick his older self’s ass,” Josh says.

“Yeah, but Castle is cheesy and you know how much I love cheese.”

“So you’re saying you’d pick Castle?”

“No, I’m saying I love cheese. Do you have any?” I question, trying to keep a straight face.

“Are you fucking kidding?”

“No, I…” I stop speaking and start laughing. By the time I’m done, my stomach is in pain and Josh is looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.

“I’m not even going to ask,” he tells me, shaking his head.

“Hand over the bowl of popcorn. I’m starving.”

* * *

We would sit side by side on the couch with no awkwardness between us and watch episode after episode. I’m not sure when things changed between us they just did. Over the past year the ease of our friendship has disappeared and has been replaced with deeper feelings. There’s a part of me, wishing we could return to the simplicity of those days. I’d rather have Josh in my life as only a friend than to not have him at all - like now.

Slowly moving through the space and maneuvering around people, I try to absorb all I’m seeing. I can’t believe this is all Josh’s. I’m so proud of him and he doesn’t even know it. I wish he had confided in me about the tattoo apprenticeship. Now all his recent tattoos make sense. I wrongly assumed he was getting them to make him seem like less of a nice guy. He’s always joked about how women prefer to date the bad boys. It’s another thing to add to my ever-growing list of things I thought I knew about Josh, but couldn’t have been more wrong about.

I hear his deep voice, before I see him. My knees get wobbly and my heart races. Calm down. It’s only Josh. Telling myself this doesn’t help at all. I haven’t set eyes on him in over two months, not since he fingered me against my apartment door and then walked away. Now that he’s close I can’t stop my body’s natural reaction. I find myself standing in a line of people waiting to speak to him without realizing it. The closer I move in his direction the more my heart pounds and the more labored my breathing becomes. By the time I’m standing in front of him, I wonder if I might pass out.

We stare at each other. I’m lost in awkward silence and Josh is stunned by my presence. No doubt, I’m probably the last person he expected to see.

“Elle. Hi. What a surprise. I didn’t expect to see you here,” he says, echoing my thoughts.

I swallow over the lump in my throat and manage a small smile. “Hi. Congratulations. This place looks incredible.” I gesture with my hand at the room around us. “I had no idea you were into any of this until Janny told me about the grand opening.”

He rubs a hand over the weeks’ worth of growth on his jaw - another new and unexpected thing about Josh. “Yeah, I didn’t really tell anyone.”

“How have you been? I mean, you’ve obviously been busy, but how is everything? Are you still painting?” I can’t stop the purge of words, flowing from my lips. I’ve made this painfully awkward for both of us.

He chuckles relieving some of the tension and I smile in relief. “I’ve been good and yes extremely busy between getting this place ready and painting.”

“Good, I’m glad you’re not giving up on your artwork. You’re too talented to do that.”

“That’s nice of you to say, Elle. I never realized you were such a connoisseur of art.” His voice is laced with sarcasm.

I roll my eyes at him. “I’m sorry I never told you how wonderful I think your paintings are. I didn’t realize my opinion meant so much to you.”

“I’m glad you like them and your opinion matters...mattered to me.”

I grimace at his choice of words. How he feels about me is pretty clear now. He’s over me. Why can’t I get over him as easily?

“Josh,” a platinum blonde in a tight blue dress sidles up to his side, hooking her arm through his. The picture is becoming crystal clear now. This is how he’s moved on. “When do you want me to put out more appetizers?” She stares up at him with an expression of adoration and I’m afraid to look at Josh to see if he’s returning it. Once I see he is, I’ll never be able to forget.

“Whenever they’re running out. Use your best judgement.” He pats her hand and smiles. She bats her eyelashes at him and then pouts. “Are you teasing me?” she questions.

“No, I’m serious. Replace them when they need to be. I trust you to take care of it on your own.”

“I’m glad you trust me,” she says, beaming a smile at him.

Is this girl for real? How fucking hard is it to replace an empty tray?

He winks at her before she walks off and I can’t stop myself from rolling my eyes. All that’s missing is some baby talk and ridiculous pet names to make being around them even more painful.

I press my lips tightly together to keep myself from saying what I really want to. I’ll seem catty and he’s already seen enough of my bad side. I don’t need to add to it.

“Well, I guess I better let you get back to your guests. I just wanted to come by and see it for myself - show my support for a friend.”

He leans toward me. “Are we friends, Elle?” His voice is soft and deep. I have to watch his lips to be sure of what he said.

“I think we are. Whether we see each other every day or every two months, I’m always going to care and want the best for you.”

“I want the best for you, also.”

I nod my head. “I know you do.” We both stare at one another, lost in our thoughts - mine are regretful.

As the silence stretches out between us, I struggle to find words. “Uhm, I uh, I should get going. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime.”

“Sure, take care. Thanks for coming. I appreciate it.”

We’re like two fucking strangers fumbling for conversation. I never imagined we’d end up in this uncomfortable space. I thought we’d always be the best of friends, but there’s nothing like sex to fuck things up beyond repair. Stepping forward, I awkwardly wrap my arms around him. He goes stiff as a board before sighing and wrapping his arms around me. He pulls me close and I can feel his warm lips brush the top of my head. My heart pounds. Squeezing my eyes shut, I savor the scent of him and the sensation of being in his arms. His muscular chest pressed to my softer one, his large creative hand caressing down the back of my head. He draws back first and my eyes abruptly flick open. I don’t want him to know how much I enjoyed being held by him once more.

My lips lift in a small smile, but my eyes are filled with sadness. Not knowing when I’ll see him again guts me. “I’ll see you later. Good luck with everything.” I take a step backward, bumping into someone. The force jars me, knocking me off balance. Strong hands grip my arms to steady me. “I’m sorry,” I say turning around. When I see who I crashed into I can’t help the squeal of happiness from leaving me. “Sean. What are you doing here?”

“Elle, Oh my god. I didn’t expect to see you here today.”

“What are you doing back in Boston?”

“Josh called me when this place was in the works and I decided to move here. A change of scenery is good.”

“We should get together sometime. You still have my number?” I question.

“Yeah, I’m sure I do, but if not, I’ll grab it from Josh. I’ll call you soon.” He smiles and I can’t help but notice how handsome he is.

“Sounds good.” I flash him a quick smile and wiggle my fingers in a wave. My eyes move to Josh and find his angrily locked on me. He looks pissed Sean and I were talking. I’m not sure why he would be. He’s got a girl and what I do shouldn’t concern him. “See you, Josh.”

“Take care, Elle.”