Chagrin (n.) – A feeling of mental unease; annoyance; embarrassment caused by failure
‘What the …?’ Marie was standing open-mouthed at the mess of her usually pristine front room, her smallest child screaming (I’m sure she notched up the volume just for extra effect), her oldest smearing chocolate spread on the sofa, and sticky orange juice puddling at her feet.
‘Uh oh,’ Cole whispered.
‘Cole! Get off that sofa this instant. What on earth are you doing with this?’ Marie pulled him to stand in front of her so she could scold him.
‘You’re back! How did it go?’ I asked, hoping to divert her attention from what a terrible job I’d done both here and in my professional life. Ben and Kelli were going to be crushed when I told them about the bank’s decision.
‘Fine. I didn’t get it,’ she mumbled, and grabbed the jar of Nutella from her son.
‘What? Oh, I’m sorry. I was sure you had it in the bag.’
Marie shrugged dejectedly. ‘Nope. Apparently not. It’s fine, it was silly of me to go in the first place. I’m obviously not what they were looking for, what any casting director appears to be looking for.’ She tugged at her hair, pulling it out of its previously neat style and messily piling it on her head.
‘Well, there’ll be other auditions—’
‘Cole!’ Marie barked, ignoring me. ‘What have I told you about eating between meals? You know that this is not for you.’
‘I’m so sorry. I hadn’t realised he’d picked it up or even knew how to open it. I don’t know how you do it, Marie!’ I laughed weakly, hurrying to chuck toys into a large wicker basket as she went to pick up Lily in one smooth and effortless move. She had thankfully stopped crying, but, judging by her wavering bottom lip, a repeat of the waterworks could happen at any second. Marie continued to berate Cole as she marched him out of the bombsite to wash his hands. I hastily cleaned up as much of the debris from our play fight as I could and straightened up the seat cushions, hoping that a quick flash of cleaning spray would get those jam and Nutella stains off, before my shoulders sank once more.
‘Oh my God. What’s happened in here!’ I heard her cry from the kitchen.
I winced. I’d had the bright idea of making cupcakes, but it turned out neither of the children had the patience to calmly bake a surprise for Mummy. Instead, I’d burnt the mixture, as Lily had done an explosive poo in her nappy that had needed urgent attention; I’d had to wrestle an egg whisk from Cole and spilled icing sugar on every visible work surface as the bag burst in my hands. Judging from the noises Marie was making, I hadn’t done the best job in cleaning them all up.
‘Oh, we did some baking, didn’t we?’ I said, still in that irritating sing-a-long style as I rushed into the kitchen. She was right to have a face like thunder. It looked like the place had been ransacked and dusted with cocaine.
‘Has Lily been eating this?’ Marie asked, shaking an empty packet of sweets at me. I nodded, feeling my cheeks flame exactly like Cole’s did. I’d intended to use them for the cupcake decoration, but they’d vanished before I’d managed to save any. ‘Georgia, she’s way too young for this!’
She gave me such a horrified look, as if I’d told her we had all been dancing with flaming knives. I felt Cole flick his head between the two of us; Lily was swiping her hand over the icing sugar and sticking her powdered fingers into her open mouth.
‘Oh. Sorry. I, erm, I didn’t know,’ I sheepishly admitted.
‘Mummy, she made Liwy cry too!’ Cole piped up. It was my turn to deliver the death stare. He poked his tongue out and ran behind his mum’s legs.
‘Well, no, I … it was a game—’ I made a mental note to give Cole a shite birthday present for being such a tattle tale.
‘Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!’ Cole sang, in between banging one of the kitchen cupboard doors, the noise making Lily giggle.
Marie flew her head to her boisterous son. ‘What did you say?’
Oh balls.
‘Crap, crap, crap,’ he continued to sing, banging more doors, making Lily laugh louder. The noise was giving me the mother of all headaches.
‘Shit! I’m sorry,’ I apologised, then clasped my hand over my mouth. What was wrong with me? ‘It’s not been the best of days, to be honest.’
Marie let out a deep sigh. ‘Cole, stop that.’ Cole nodded solemnly and slammed the door for one last time before receiving a look from his mum. ‘Now, go and pick up your toys from the lounge before Daddy comes home.’
‘I’m so sorry for the mess and my inability to censor myself. I honestly have no idea how you cope looking after them Every. Single. Bloody. Day.’ I shook my head in amazement, only now noticing her painted lips and flick of eyeliner. It was a surprise to see her wearing make-up again. My once constantly glam best friend had slowly morphed into more of a wash-and-go girl. I’d forgotten how well she scrubbed up. Her fiery, long, red hair was freshly washed and glossy and the patterned top she was wearing accentuated her slim waist and toned arms. Probably from hours of carrying her baby girl around.
‘Don’t worry, it’s my fault. I should have told you that he’s at the stage where everything and anything you say will be repeated. Last week he thought it was hilarious to shout out “wee wee farty bum” numerous times in the freezer section of Aldi.’ Marie rubbed her face, smearing her make-up. ‘Hopefully he’ll forget about it soon.’
Cole hesitated for a moment then pottered off, making truck noises and running a wooden bus over the walls as he went, loudly shouting, ‘NO,’ with every heavy step he took.
‘He’s more and more like you every day,’ I mused, catching Marie roll her eyes.
‘Don’t. I may be stubborn, but he takes it to a whole new level. He’s a terror, but you can’t help but love him.’ She followed her surly son with a look of fondness that dispelled how irritated she had been a second ago. She gently lowered Lily into her high chair, strapped her in and handed her a rusk to eat. ‘Cole’s going through a stage; well, that’s what everyone keeps telling me. I didn’t realise how hard it would be with two of them though. Luckily, Mike is amazing and pulls his weight, unlike a lot of the partners of the NCT mums I know.’
I nodded and made what I hoped were the right sort of noises, as if I had the faintest idea what NCT stood for.
‘They can be a handful but it’s all worth it.’ She smiled adoringly at her daughter. ‘Thank you so much for looking after them. Don’t worry about the mess; it’s part and parcel of parenting.’
I got up to fix us mugs of tea. ‘Any time,’ I replied, crossing my fingers that the next time would be when they were in their teens.
‘What did you mean when you said it had been a bad day?’
I shook my head, focusing on a crusty piece of cake mixture that had made its way onto the kettle.
‘Georgia? You all right?’
‘Yep.’ I plastered on a smile. ‘Well, not really.’ I sighed and plopped squashed tea bags into the bin. ‘I just found out that we’ve lost out on this really important business deal. A deal that I was in charge of and had been so sure we’d get.’ I picked up one of Lily’s baby toys, running my fingers between the soft ears of the pink, stuffed rabbit. ‘We’d worked so hard on the presentation and they seemed to love what we do, but apparently it wasn’t enough.’ I felt a bubble of sick rise in my throat thinking of how I was going to break the news to the team.
‘That makes two of us not doing a great job today.’
‘There’ll be other auditions, hun.’
‘It’s over, Georgia. I shouldn’t have gone in the first place. Who do I think I am, chasing some dream that’s so far out of my reach? I need to realise that this is my job now.’ She nodded at her baby girl, who had somehow managed to get the lurid orange paste Marie was feeding her all over her face and in her soft, downy hair. ‘You’ve seen what it’s like looking after them; it’s hard work but I do love it, and I love them. I mean, just look at how far we’ve both come! You with your super-fantastic business, me with these two little rascals. Why can’t I be happy with what I’ve got? Why do I have to chase some pipe dream?’
‘You can’t just give up though!’ I turned around, not buying what she was saying. ‘You’re an excellent actress!’
‘I can and I am, at least until they are a little older.’ She nodded determinedly. ‘But, thanks for watching them anyway. Waiting in the audition room with girls a lot slimmer, younger and hungrier than I am for the role, helped me to see that I’m tired of the auditions and the disappointments. I should be focused on my real job here.’
‘I promise I’ll be here to watch them for the next audition,’ I said firmly, ignoring her change of heart. She was too good to give up. ‘Just with less baking and less Nutella.’
‘We’ll see; anyway, try not to be too down-hearted about your deal. You’ll find something bigger and better than that. I’m sure of it.’ She gently patted my arm before Lily noisily filled her nappy. ‘She doesn’t seem to be having any trouble digesting those biscuits you gave her!’ Marie laughed and scooped her daughter up.
*
By the time I arrived home I felt wrung out. My hands were sticky, my head was banging, and melted chocolate buttons were smeared over my new top, which I’d worn thinking my day would be spent celebrating our win, not playing referee between two under-fours.
‘Hey, babe, how was your day?’ Ben called from the bedroom. I wandered in to see him sitting on the floor, surrounded by boxes and the contents of his chest of drawers. Clothes were strewn everywhere.
‘Hey,’ I said, brushing off icing sugar from my jacket and picking at a dubious crusty stain on my black trousers.
‘Jeezus, what’s happened to you?’ He flicked his head up and pulled a face at the smell of sweat and defeat clouding around me.
‘Toddlers and babies is what happened.’ I tried to make my way over to him without breaking my ankle on the stacks of books or the leaning tower of video-game boxes that blocked my path.
‘You what?’
‘Marie had a babysitting crisis so I said I’d watch Cole and Lily for her.’ I saw Ben raise an eyebrow from the corner of my eye.
‘So, you weren’t at the office for the debrief call?’
I purposely ignored him. ‘Seriously, it was like a war zone.’ I shivered as flashbacks of nappy bags and tepid tea came rushing back. ‘I honestly don’t know how she does it. Although Cole was pretty cute just as I was leaving; he’d drawn this picture of us on an aeroplane. Future artist in the making, that one.’ I let out a yawn and grumbled at the state of our room. Flopping on the bed would have to wait. ‘I’ll make a start on dinner.’
I padded to the kitchen and opened the fridge, then pulled out a chilled bottle of white wine.
‘You want one?’ I asked Ben, as he wandered in behind me.
‘I’ll pass, thanks. Seeing how traumatised you’re acting, neither do you!’
‘What?’ I looked up, confused. ‘I meant wine; do you want a glass of wine?’
‘Oh, erm yeah,’ he mumbled sheepishly. ‘Go on then.’
I poured large slugs of Sauvignon Blanc into two glasses, trying not to spill a drop, and took a long sip, feeling it relaxing me as soon as the tang of grapes hit my throat.
‘So, apart from watching those two, how was your day?’
I turned and opened up a cupboard, pretending to be searching for something to cook for dinner. ‘Oh, fine.’
‘I’ve been waiting for your call. The final decision on the investment was today, wasn’t it?’ I could sense the excitement in his voice. ‘You nailed it, didn’t you? I knew you would!’
I swallowed down the acidic bubble of bile that had leapt up my throat. I’d been so full of confidence that we had it in the bag when I’d left the meeting. Why did I have to jump the gun like that?
‘Georgia?’ He pushed, waiting for my answer, his face growing more concerned as he took in my expression.
I shook my head slowly, hoping the words would form. They didn’t.
‘What? We didn’t get it?’
‘No,’ I squeaked, as a bag of pasta shells tumbled from the shelf and burst over the floor. ‘Crap.’
He slapped his palm against the kitchen counter, making me jump. ‘Sorry. It’s just … it’s just you sounded so sure, that it was a done deal. Our presentation was watertight. I don’t understand what went wrong? Did they give you any explanation when they called?’
Looks like it wasn’t just me who’d been spending the investment cash in our head before we’d got our hands on it. I bent down and started scooping up dried pasta from the floor.
‘They just chose to go with someone else.’ I didn’t want to say that I’d had a toddler clambering on my leg at the time of the important business call, or that my head wasn’t in the game in the pitch thanks to Shelley’s confusing and panicked text. I didn’t want him to blame Shelley or Marie for the distractions. I needed to take the blame; I should have had my phone on silent; I should have let their call go to voicemail; I should have said no to Marie. Who did I think I was, expecting to be a professional businesswoman whilst playing mum to two small children? I should have done all of this, but I didn’t. I got to my feet and dejectedly tipped the broken pasta into the bin.
‘Don’t worry, there’ll be something else. Something bigger that we can get on board with,’ I said, hoping I sounded confident, ignoring the fact that this meant a huge loss both personally and to the business. We’d stupidly been counting on that money.
Ben closed his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temples, letting out a deep sigh. ‘I hope you’re right, Georgia.’