Tepid (adj.) – Showing little enthusiasm
I woke up feeling like someone had performed a lobotomy on me as I slept. My mouth was dry and gummy, my brain felt like it had been replaced with scratchy wire wool, and my neck was too weak to hold up my head. My stomach rumbled even though I’d probably overdone it on the in-flight meals – I always got carried away with the excitement of what was hiding under each shiny foil lid. I also loved how transatlantic airlines seemed to be competing to have a mile-high Michelin star. Some of the fanciest meals I’ve ever eaten were on long-haul flights. Now I just felt bloated and gross.
I rubbed my tight, gritty eyes, ignored the noisy dance-off my stomach was having, and prepared to force myself to jump into the shower in the small budget hotel I’d checked into after I’d arrived. My body screeched in resistance to any movements. I felt like I had that fuzzy stage of the flu, as if my joints had been replaced with metal poles, and every single muscle ached. I hurriedly turned off the television that I’d only flicked on to check the time. I couldn’t take in one thing the beaming morning television presenters were saying. Their bright and cheery smiles, along with their drawling Aussie accents, were not helping this pounding in my skull. This was not the time to get sick. I hobbled to the bathroom and hoped that a hot shower would wake me up and sort me out, except that it took all the effort in the world to stand up properly or raise my arms above my head to wash the suds from my hair. What was going on with me? I had to snap out of it as I needed to go and meet Shelley and her cousin pronto.
Trailing past the hotel’s dining room full of tourists and business people filling up their breakfast plates made my stomach contract painfully in protest. Maybe that was what this feeling was? Maybe I’d got food poisoning from the in-flight meals? It probably was too fancy for my own good. I mean, how fresh can glazed avocado, a bed of kale, pork loins with a red wine jus, and chocolate mousse served with pomegranate and raspberry foam be at thirty-five thousand feet? Whatever it was that was causing this out-of-body experience, I had no time to analyse it as I hurriedly checked out so I wouldn’t be late.
Lugging my bag through the streets of Melbourne, I felt a pang of sadness that I wouldn’t have time to properly discover this city. It was going to take superwoman strength to get through the day. I had to keep stopping every couple of feet to catch my breath, blink back the autumnal, crisp air blowing at my cheeks, and crane my neck at the signs on the tall buildings around me for a hint of a street name leading me in the right direction. This arduous trip was full of hazards from trying to avoid cute, old-style trams chugging across the lines criss-crossing the busy streets, and scurrying past hip coffee shops where bearded men gripping takeaway cups spilled out onto the pavement. I narrowly avoided receiving a flat white down my front as I pushed past and weaved my way around queues of trendy people hanging around graffiti-scrawled art galleries.
‘Well, look who’s made it down under!’ The shrill shrieks of my best friend Shelley rang across the busy bus station concourse, making me jump.
I flicked my head up from the tourist map that I’d picked up earlier and grinned at her. I couldn’t shake the heavy cloud of tiredness that had settled into my bones, but I felt my spirits lift seeing her infectious smile, bright blonde pixie-cropped hair, and creased-up, freckled, button nose as she manically waved at me.
‘Hello!’ I sang.
‘It’s so good to see you, chick.’ She pulled me into a warm embrace, filling my nose with her floral scent and making tears prick at my tired eyes. I’d forgotten just how much I’d missed her. We’d made sure we had regular FaceTime chats since she’d returned to live in her home country, but there was nothing that compared to being able to hold her and feel that familiar warmth.
‘How was your journey? How did you sleep? What do you think of ’Straya so far?’ She pulled back and held me at arm’s length as questions rolled off her tongue.
‘I got here fine, but, honestly, I feel like death warmed up.’
‘Ah, jet lag. You’ll get used to it and I promise it will only last a few days,’ she said with a flick of her hand. Conrad’s I told you so face suddenly loomed into my mind.
‘Hmm, I hope you’re right. It’s like a lingering hangover but without the fun memories of a night out.’
‘Yeah, it sucks. But we’ve got so much to see and do that you’ll kick its ass in no time. I promise you.’
I stepped back to say hello to the girl standing on her right. She had the same blonde-coloured hair as Shelley, but hers was pulled into an uber-high and uber-tight bun. The severe look continued to the rest of her angular body. Her black, skinny, ripped jeans looked expensive, her long fingers were iced with rose-gold rings and her mint-green jumper skimmed her toned frame. I couldn’t take my eyes off her shoes as she towered over both of us. She was tall enough even without the extra few inches that the pair of heeled black boots gave her. I felt instantly dowdy and unfashionable in my baggy travelling outfit and scuffed trainers.
‘Gawd, sorry, where are my manners? I’m just so excited to see you!’ Shelley said. ‘Georgia, this is Cara, my cousin, and second in charge of the wedding!’
‘Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you.’ I smiled at the girl with impeccable pores and protruding collarbone.
Cara was a model-slash-fashion entrepreneur, had a thing for sugar daddies, and wore very few clothes for a living. I glanced at her slim frame and darted a look down at my pudgy tummy. With a figure like hers, I’d be going out in my birthday suit as much as I could too. I went to go and give Cara a friendly, if a little bony, hug, which she was either not expecting or not enjoying as, with a cursory one-second pat on the back, she pulled away and looked me up and down.
‘Hey, yeah, you too,’ she said in an unenthusiastic Aussie drawl. ‘So, we going soon? I need to be away from these fucking buses.’
Shell nodded and turned to me. ‘You ready to go? We’ve just endured an eleven-hour journey to get here and, as much as I love travel, there’s little joy in taking the overnight Greyhound.’ She shuddered. ‘Poor Cara was bent in half for the whole trip.’
‘Apparently extra leg room didn’t occur to them to be an essential design feature.’ Cara pursed her lips, which were slicked with deep berry lipstick. ‘If it wasn’t the lack of personal space, then it was the screaming children. Who the hell thinks it’s okay to take a toddler on such a long trip? Seriously, I was so glad I’d packed a sleeping tablet and my headphones, otherwise I’d never have managed any sleep.’
I nodded as Cara strode off; with her long legs every one of her steps was three of ours. When she was out of earshot, Shelley turned to me.
‘I’m sorry if she seems in a bit of a mood. Usually she’s a lot chattier.’ She winced. ‘It’s because I told her we were coming to Melbourne by bus; she presumed we’d be flying here from Sydney.’
‘Ah. I gathered she wasn’t enamoured with the mode of transport.’
‘She hasn’t really travelled before, well, not in the backpacking sense anyway, and I thought it would be fun for her, and us, to relive it a little!’
I was about to ask what exactly was planned for this trip, but I was cut off by Cara shouting at us to get a move on as she’d never needed caffeine more in her life than she did right now.
‘I’m sure after a coffee or two she’ll lighten up!’ Shelley linked my arm and shouted back at Cara to slow down so us mere mortals could catch her up.
We’d only been walking for a few minutes before Cara stopped at an achingly cool coffee shop where Melbourne hipsters seemingly went to breed. Soothing smells of ground beans wafted in the decidedly autumnal air, tinged with pretentiousness and smugness.
‘I knew Melburnians liked their coffee, but this place is ridic,’ Shelley whispered, as a man with a pruned-to-perfection moustache wandered past, flashing a glimpse of hairy ankle in his loafers.
‘It’s artisan.’ Cara sniffed, sipping her room-temperature, soya-milk, extra-foam, organic latte. I was struggling to get the cup of basic Americana down me as my stomach gurgled loudly.
‘You say tomato, I say tomato,’ Shelley laughed, finding us seats on rustic wooden benches and upturned oil barrels with floral cushions plonked on top.
‘Oh come on, it’s totally on trend.’ Cara pulled her iPhone out of her handbag and took a photo of the chalkboard next to us. ‘I’m so Instagramming this!’ She pointed at the twee saying about how coffee drinkers make better thinkers, or some bollocks like that. ‘I found this place via this new app that tells you all the hidden gems and the hottest places to go before they get too mainstream. Last week I found this café in Sydney called Midnight Munchies that’s only open from midnight to 2 a.m. So freakin’ cool.’
‘Well, whatever it is, we can’t be too long. I said I’d pick up the hire car by now.’ Shelley glanced at her watch then turned to me. ‘I told you that Cara can’t drive so it’ll be us two at the wheel, didn’t I?’
‘Oh, erm, no, you didn’t,’ I said, trying to breathe through my nose as the nauseating smells in here were making my stomach clench.
‘Ah, sorry, must be this wedding brain. I’m getting so forgetful. But it’s fine because we can take it in turns.’
‘I just hope it all comes back to me.’
I hadn’t driven for years. Living in a city meant I’d got used to public transport. I’d expected that these two would take the wheel so I could sit back and soak up the scenery. It was only now, as we eventually left the coffee shop and wandered down the streets, that I felt a sense of unease at getting behind the wheel again.
Shelley must have read my mind. ‘Don’t sweat it. We drive on the same side as you and, once we get out of the city, the roads will be pretty quiet. You’ll see.’
A nasally employee at the car-hire place, with slicked-back hair, cement-coloured skin and sleep crusted in the corners of his dull brown eyes, led us to our car. His name tag read ‘Mitch: Happy to help’, but he’d kept us waiting for ages, muttering that we were the ones who were late, then forgot to print off some form as he was too busy ogling Cara’s backside.
‘Right, follow me, ladies.’ He winked, taking us down a dingy dark corridor to get to the garage.
‘Eurgh, what is that smell?’ Cara asked, pulling a face. I felt like I was about to retch my coffee back up.
‘Oh, sorry, I had a Mexican for dinner last night,’ Mitch mumbled, nodding at the employee bathroom we hurried past. ‘Anyway, here we go, here’s your car.’
I’d hoped that he’d redeem himself with some easy-on-the-eye motor, but instead of a nippy runaround, we were standing in front of a beast of a vehicle. It was a four-wheel drive, but not like the classy, gleaming Range Rovers that I’d seen waiting outside the posh restaurants in Manchester. This one looked like it had had about thirteen different paint jobs over the years, and was probably as old as my dad.
‘Shell, you reserved this one?’ I gasped.
‘What’s wrong with it?’ Mitch grunted.
‘Errrm … it’s a little on the large side!’
‘She’s a cracker, plus, we don’t have anything else, well, not in your budget.’ Mitch snivelled and adjusted his grubby, stripy tie. ‘There’s been a rush on, you see, and this is all we have left.’ I couldn’t tell if he was bullshitting us or not. ‘Unless you want to come back in a few days when some of our fleet should have been returned, then this is all we’ve got.’ He shrugged, trying but failing to keep down a small burp that smelt disgustingly of jalapeño peppers.
I plastered on a smile that belied my irritation at not being the one in charge of the car-hire process. This was a real test of the lessons I’d learnt on my trip to India on how to let go of the stress and the need to control everything. Easier said than done, of course.
‘Thank God I failed my test after all.’ Cara snorted with laughter.
‘I’m wishing that I had,’ I muttered under my breath.
‘You’ll be fine. I used to drive my dad’s truck when I was younger and this isn’t that different.’ Shelley brushed off my apprehensions. ‘Remember, Car?’
Cara nodded. ‘Yeah, I thought we’d escaped the country-bumpkin life though.’
‘Really? You used to drive a thing like this?’ I shook my head in disbelief. The front of the truck dwarfed her, making her appear smaller than she was, even making statuesque Cara seem petite.
‘Yeah, I mean it was a couple of years ago now, but they say you never forget.’
‘Maybe it’s not that bad. Just a little bigger than I’d been expecting.’ I slapped on a fake smile. The fact we would need a hoist up to get in said it all.
Mitch had crouched to his knees, pretending he was looking at something in the undercarriage. ‘What’s this?’ I asked him, pointing at the intimidating, rusty, steel bars welded horizontally to the front of this beast. I was sure there was a collection of bloodied feathers caught in the left headlight, which was almost hanging off.
‘A bull bar,’ Mitch replied, matter-of-factly, leering at Cara who was climbing up to get into the back seat.
‘A what now?’ How many bulls were we going to come across in Melbourne?
‘It stops the car getting mangled up if you hit a ’roo on your travels.’ He shrugged, as if any part of that sentence was perfectly normal. ‘You’ll be glad of it when it happens. Sorry, if it happens. You girls heading down the Great Ocean Road, yeah?’ I nodded. ‘Well, you’re gonna see some kangaroos and cattle on your route then. Over sixty per cent of collisions involve wildlife, so you need to be as protected as you can. Well, the vehicle does.’ He wafted at his mouth as he let out another chilli-scented belch.
Stop being such a worrier, Georgia. It was going to be an experience to tell the grandkids at least, I thought. I just needed to cross everything that we wouldn’t be making our own kangaroo roadkill burgers any time soon.
Shelley picked up the pen he was offering to sign off on this deal.
‘You’ll soon get the hang, love. You Poms are all the same, feeling nervous at first, but I’ve had many happy customers returning their cars saying they wished they could do it all over again,’ Mitch said cheerfully. ‘Just remember to drop her off in Adelaide with a full tank. Here’s your paperwork and there’s a logbook in the dash that explains all the features.’ He slapped a meaty hand against the driver’s door, making it shudder. ‘Well, safe travels!’
‘Great. Thanks,’ Shelley called out, as he wandered back to the front of the shop, itching his bum cheeks as he went.
We managed to successfully get ‘The Beast’ started and, with a heavy wheeze, a couple of worrying clunks and a few Hail Marys, we were off. Road-trip time!