The first thing Nick did when he got out of the operating room was turn his phone on. He always had a fear of something happening with Emma and him not knowing. He felt good about Shepard taking care of her, though. Usually, whenever he turned his phone back on, the only notifications that popped up were some emails from Banana Republic along with pop-ups reminding him he had pending Candy Crush invitations.

I didn’t even know people still played that.

His phone screen lit alive with more notifications than Nick was expecting, and none of the new alerts had anything to do with deeply discounted and well fitting khaki pants. They were all missed calls. He had two from Anna, two from Chris, and one from Shepard. Another three were from his lawyer. Only one of those callers had left a voicemail, and it was his lawyer. His hands immediately clammed up. This couldn’t be good.

Nick felt his hands take on a small tremble. He wanted to drop his phone down on the floor. It felt hot in his hands. Like it was overheating. He knew it was all in his head, but he couldn’t shake it. His entire body felt like it was catching fire. He took a deep breath, steadied his nerves, and pulled up Shepard’s number. He didn’t even think about listening to the voicemail first. He just wanted to talk to make sure Emma was ok.

“Hey, Nick.”

“Shepard, is Emma alright?”

“Yeah, of course, she’s sleeping. Why? What made you think she wasn’t?”

Nick checked his watch. It was eleven-thirty. He had been in the operating room for five hours. What the hell could have happened in those five hours that had everyone calling him?

“I’m not exactly sure,” Nick said, gathering his stuff from the lockers next to the OR.

“Something weird did happen. Emma’s uncle, Chris, showed up. He didn’t really make it clear why he was here, though.”

“What does he want?” Nick was sinking deeper into a pit of confusion. “Alright, I’m going to call my lawyer. I’m headed home. Should be there in fifteen.”

“See you soon,” Shepard said.

Nick was already at his car when he called his lawyer, Sherry Hammer. “Hi, Nick.” She sounded upset. It was always obvious whenever Sherry was angry. Her entire demeanor changed. Nick thought that sometimes it was even intimidating. He had liked that passion about her. He thought it would come in handy if they ever had to go into court.

“What’s going on, Sherry? I’ve got Anna and you trying to call me.”

“We’ve got bad news, Nick.” He could hear the shuffling of papers in the background, past Sherry’s voice. Someone else was speaking. It was probably Ben, Sherry’s sharp assistant who was never far from his boss. “Ok, get me the judge, right now.” Sherry was talking but it was clear she covered the phone with her palm, her words coming in muted. When she came back, Nick was on edge.

“We got a notice, Nick. It’s from the judge. She’s denying you any custody and visitation rights, citing proof of your hazardous lifestyle. Effective immediately.”

“My what?” Nick leaned on his car’s open door. “What does she mean ‘hazardous lifestyle’?! I’m a fucking doctor, I’ve never done any drugs in my life, I’m a responsible adult, what the fuck is she talking about? Hazardous?” The heat Nick was feeling earlier started to grow in intensity. He felt like the flames were licking at his chin now.

“That’s what I’m trying to find out now, Nick. Something is going on but I’m not exactly sure yet.”

“Fuck,” Nick said. He was feeling sick. That had to be why Chris showed up at his place. He was probably there to pick Emma up from him. As if they were scared he would run off with her as soon as he found out.

I should. I fucking should. Me, her, and Shepard. We’ll run. Far.

Nick knew it was a stupid indulgence, but he let himself think it. He got into his car and couldn’t even will himself to press the ignition button.

“You’ll need to bring Emma to Anna’s right away. I tried everything I could to get them to hold it, but the judge wasn’t budging. I’ve never seen someone so aggressive about it, too. He was insistent that Emma go back to Anna’s as soon as you were notified.”

Nick felt weak. His limbs didn’t really work. He was moving them, but things felt off.

“What can we do?” Nick said. The full weight of it was hitting him. He would be driving home only to say goodbye to his baby girl. Only minutes ago, he was excited to get home so he could see her sleeping face. Now, he would need to wake her up so that he could deliver her back to her monster of a mother. Nick felt his eyes grow wet. He looked in the rearview mirror. Tears already streaked down his cheeks. He hadn’t even realized he had been crying.

“I’m doing everything I can, Nick. I’ve got witness testimony about your character along with all of the documentation you’ve kept over your care for Emma. I’ve got pictures upon pictures of you and her, and I’ve got hope that this won’t be permanent. But, for right now, we need to follow the court orders. We can’t get into any hot water. Don’t worry, Nick. I promise you, you’ll have Emma back in your arms soon.”

Nick wanted to believe her, but all he could do was sink deeper into the darkness. He could feel inky black tentacles wrapping around his ankles, pulling him down further and further. He wasn’t sure how he would make it back up to the surface.

* * *

Nick managed to compose himself long enough for the fifteen-minute drive back home. He sat in his driveway, his forehead on the steering wheel, his face contorted as cries lashed through him like whips, coming in waves. He was devastated. He felt helpless. How could this be happening? When everything felt so damn right. When he was feeling more alive than ever. Now, he felt like a husk. He hadn’t even said goodbye to her yet and he already felt like a member of the walking dead.

Finally, the cries subsided. He looked at himself in the rearview mirror. His eyes were puffy and red, his lashes dark and heavy with tears. He rubbed his eyes, wiped his cheeks, and steeled himself for the moments to come.

“Nick,” Shepard said, jumping up from the couch as soon as the door opened. He ran over to Nick. “What happened?” He must have figured something was up from Nick’s slumped shoulders and quivering upper lip. He was trying so hard to hold it all back, but every step made it more real.

“Anna did it,” Nick managed to say without breaking down, “She got sole custody.”

“No,” Shepard said, his hand coming up to cover his mouth. “How? That’s impossible. There has to be a mistake.”

“Judge cited my hazardous lifestyle.”

“Then for sure this is a mistake. Hazardous? What are they thinking?”

Nick shook his head, his hand massaging his forehead. “My lawyer’s trying to get more information. The judge wants Emma to go to Anna tonight.”

Shepard face cracked. He took a step back, his hand dropping from his mouth but his expression still looking just as shocked. “Nick… no, there has to be something we can do. Someone we can call.”

“Nothing. Not for tonight, at least.” Nick wanted to put up a fight, but Sherry was right, the last thing he needed was to get in trouble for not following court orders. Now wasn’t the time. And it was already the middle of the night. If there was anyone that could help them, they wouldn’t be able to contact them anyway, everything was closed. No, Nick had to give up Emma for now. He needed to keep his record as clean as possible, because he was going to fight, and he was going to get her back.

For now, though, he let himself fall into Shepard’s open arms, his head buried in Shepard’s shoulder. He allowed himself a moment of weakness before he had to put up a strong front for his daughter.