Nick couldn’t shake Shepard Kensworth. He was standing by the nurses’ station, looking over some charts and wondering why the hell he was being such a dick, especially toward the man who had captivated him from the start. He hated himself for it.

But he also knew there was no other option, especially not right now. Nick’s life had gotten infinitely more complicated a year ago, when he had opened up the floodgates for Shepard and was then told he would soon be a father (depending on the DNA test), all on the same day. His life was completely uprooted and thrashed around a bit. He didn’t see himself with a daughter at thirty-two, but life had ways of twisting even the surest of plans.

The birth of his daughter, Emma, was a twist that changed Nick to the very core. He didn’t think he was capable of such a sincere, powerful, deep-rooted love, but when he looked into his daughter’s eyes for the first time, felt her tiny fingers wrap around his, his entire world shifted and he found an endless depth to the love. The lead-up to her birth wasn’t as magical, with Anna fighting and Nick becoming overwhelmed. His frustrations were leaking out into the hospital halls. It was affecting the way he treated nurses, other doctors. He felt like he just wanted to do his job and get home, where he could be alone. He found a solace in the solitude. He wanted nothing to do with people for those nine months.

And then Emma came into his world and suddenly the thick gray clouds were shoved aside by bright beams of light, all held in her smile. He wished he could call it a day and rush home so he could hold her, smell her, feel her breathing against his chest. She was his little miracle and Nick wanted to do nothing else but hold her.

Anna was making that extremely difficult to do, and that was leading Nick back into his shell of frustration. Anna had denied the fifty-fifty custody split and went for an agreement that had Nick seeing Emma only two days a week. She argued that she would be a better fit to raise Emma for the majority of the time because Nick’s schedule could get hectic. It was bullshit. As an emergency doctor, Nick knew the times he would need to be in the hospital, with only the rare moments when he would be called in if they were short on hands. That only happened if there was some kind of catastrophic disaster which involved a lot of victims. And if that were to ever happen, he had three sitters he could call at the last minute, and if that didn’t work, there was a day care center in Sierra View.

Nick wanted to fight for more time with her. He was tempted to challenge the custody ruling, but it was a risk. Custody came down to the judge and he could have landed with one who just flat out didn’t like him. There was even the possibility of a judge removing the two days he had already and granting sole custody to Anna. The court always leaned in the mother’s favor to begin with, so he already felt like he was facing an uphill battle. Then there was the fear that Anna would get even crazier and demand that sole custody. He wouldn’t put it past her to come up with more lies, or find a way to influence the judge somehow. It would completely wreck Nick. It created a huge well of frustration inside him, one that was constantly overflowing. He felt it in how he lashed out at Shepard for no reason other than that he knew Shepard could handle it. He asked him that question because he was angry he couldn’t just go home, with Shepard holding his hand, where Emma would be waiting for them with that big sunshine smile of hers. That was all Nick wanted, and he was getting none of it.

Fuck.

He checked his watch. He was set to finish in ten minutes. Nick couldn’t picture himself going home and doing nothing. He felt too amped up for that. He remembered he had brought his gym clothes with him and figured hitting the gym would be the best thing he could do with the feelings that were boiling inside him, creating a pent-up energy that had to be released. He wasn’t a gym rat by any stretch of the imagination, but he had signed up recently, inspired by Emma’s birth. The first few weeks were rough, but he was getting into it more and more as the days passed. He couldn’t find time to go every day, but managed about three times a week. More than enough for now.

“Here you go, Norma.” Nick closed the folder and handed it over to the nurse. She reached up and grabbed it, her bright pink scrubs engineered to put a smile on anyone’s face. “Thank you, I’m going to head out. If Ms. Wilson’s blood pressure drops any lower, give me a call, ok?”

“You got it, Dr. White.” She opened the folder and looked over the chart. When Nick saw she didn’t have any questions, he wrapped his knuckles on the counter and waved a goodbye to the other nurses. He started down the hallway toward his office. He was on the west wing of the hospital, where the hallway walls were made up of large windows that looked out at the breathtaking mountain range that surrounded Sierra View. It was already getting dark out, the sun moving down past the tall hills that cut across the sky, sending off its dying tendrils of light past the jagged cuts of the hill tops, lighting them an intense orange.

Nick had reached the end of the row of windows, about to turn when he bumped into Dean Silver, another doctor at Sierra View and one of the only ones Nick could say he considered a friend. Not that the other doctors were shit, but something about Dean really clicked with Nick. Maybe it was his crazy good lasagna or his smart humor that always put a smile on Nick’s face. He wasn’t always close with Dean, but after he had severed his relationship with Aaron and was constantly arguing with Anna, he found that Dean’s friendship was badly needed and greatly welcomed. It took him a few weeks to open up and stop being a bit of an asshole, but Dean had managed to crack him open over a game of pool and a couple of beers.

“Hey, Nick, where you headed?” Dean was wearing a gray button-up shirt tucked into slim-fitting khakis, his white coat folded over his left arm. “Off tonight?”

“Yeah, thinking of heading to the gym for a bit. Blow some steam off.”

“You look a little stressed, everything ok?”

“It’s been a long day.”

And week for that matter.

Dean nodded. “I get it. I had back-to-back patients all day today. I feel terrible when the appointments have to be twenty minutes, but what else are we going to do? This system, man, what a mess.” Dean shook his head and ran a hand through his tangle of dark hair. It was clear he had a long day, too. “How’s little Emma?”

Nick reflexively smiled at Emma’s name. “She’s doing great. You need to see her. She’s got this mop of brunette hair that always smells like strawberries and vanilla for some reason. And that smile of hers, Dean. It’s crazy.” Nick grit his jaw, realizing he wouldn’t be seeing her smile that night. “Anna has her for the next four days and she’s not letting me see her.”

“Fuck, man,” Dean said. He rarely cursed. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” Dean leaned a shoulder on the wall separating two of the wide windows, his arms crossed against his chest.

Dean was one of the only people he found himself opening up to over the past year. They had become very close friends as the days passed, which surprised Nick because he knew he was ready to close himself off and push everyone away. He had suffered a huge betrayal and wasn’t sure if he even knew how to trust people since. Finding out his best friend was fucking his then-wife in Nick’s own house was enough to have him say he was pretty much done with the human race. He thought he’d go into work, try saving a few lives, then head home and forget about the cruel world.

Nick couldn’t do that, though. He loved people too much. It was one of the reasons he had become a physician. He wanted to help people. He wanted to interact and create connections again. Especially since Emma had been on the way and he needed to make sure he was a relatively functional father for her, with friends and everything. He had put a hold on the boyfriend scenario, since that situation was infinitely more complicated, but Nick could allow Dean in. It absolutely didn’t hurt that Dean was one of the kindest, most genuine people Nick had ever come across.

“Damn it, Nick. I really wish there was something I could do for you.”

“It’s ok.” Nick said. He wished the same thing, but understood there wasn’t much anyone could do for him. “I’m thinking of taking the custody case back to court. Hoping to get a fifty-fifty split, at least.” Nick didn’t want to say much else about Anna or his daughter. He already felt the emotions bubbling up his chest, threatening to unload right there in the hospital hallway. He couldn’t do that. He had to put on a strong face. He could break down in private, holding a picture of his daughter, desperately wanting more than just a photo.

“Hey, listen, I know this might not be the time, but… it also might be the perfect time for it. Noah and I are having a little get-together tonight and our friend, Sean, is going to be there. You guys seemed to click really well at our last Game of Thrones night, maybe you can share some mulled wine with him tonight?” Dean nudged Nick’s ribs playfully with an elbow, winking the entire time.

Nick managed a smile. Dean was also one of the first people Nick had officially come out to. It helped that he knew Dean was gay so there would be absolutely zero negative reactions. He had told him and his husband, Noah, over a dinner they were having before heading to a concert. He didn’t know what had pushed him into telling them he was bi at the dinner… no, he did know. It was the spitting image of Shepard who had been sitting at a table across from them that had inspired Nick to come out. He had left out the part about him hooking up with a resident, but he told them that there was one man in particular who had captured his attention. He told them it would be too complicated of a situation and that he had to find a way to move on. Since then, Dean had been pretty persistent about setting Nick up with their close friend Sean. He seemed like an overall nice guy and everything about Sean was technically right, but he didn’t spark a flame in the same way Shepard had. There was no comparison.

“Thanks, Dean, I really appreciate it, but I think I’m going to hit the gym and call it a night. I’ll have to catch up on Westoros tomorrow.”

“Alright, just be careful out there.” Dean motioned down the hall with one arm arcing wide, like a prophet speaking about the entire world ahead of them. “There are spoilers everywhere.”

Nick cracked up at the over dramatics, although Dean was right. “I’ll make sure to have a social media blackout and warn any patients that come in. I can’t have anyone ruining it.”

“Ok, good. As long as you’re aware of the perils.” Dean reached out and patted Nick’s arm. “See you tomorrow, then. And remember: everything is going to work out. You’ll have Emma in your arms soon.”

“Thanks, Dean, really. Have a great night,” Nick said, feeling a little better after his chat. There was still a pain that hit him square in the chest when he remembered he wasn’t seeing his daughter as soon as he would have hoped, but he knew he would see her, and he was going to fight for the right to hold on to her whenever he wanted. For now, though, all he could do was try and work out his frustrations at the gym. That way he would avoid working them out on the residents.

On Shepard Kensworth, specifically.