At five minutes past noon, I pulled up to the curb in front of my parents’ quiet house and cut the engine. I sat in silence, trying to gather my wits, which I was pretty sure I’d lost somewhere around six o’clock last night. Right where I’d left them at Christopher’s feet.
No doubt, I’d been grinning like a fool the entire drive over, all this happiness bubbling up and over.
I flipped down the sunshade to peek at myself in the mirror. Bright, wide eyes stared back at me, brimming with excitement and an overwhelming joy there was no chance of bottling up, my cheeks rosy and flushed. I rummaged through my purse in the passenger seat and pulled out my shiny clear gloss and lathered it across my lips that were all puffy and swollen and just about as sore as I was between my thighs.
God, how obvious was I? I was pretty sure the second I walked through the door my mom would see straight through the casual facade I was trying to front.
Right to the expression hidden underneath.
You know the one.
The one that screamed, Your daughter’s just been thoroughly sexed up by the baddest boy you never wanted to meet. And oh, by the way, she’s madly in love with him, too. And yep, you guessed it, she’s just about to throw away that seven-year relationship you were all too keen to tie her to.
Yeah, that one.
Thank God it’d be just her and Stewart. Dad would still be over at the church, chatting and mingling with his congregation after Sunday services.
Truth was, I really didn’t want to have to hide it. I wanted to shout it. But I wasn’t about to let any of them in on this until I’d ended things with Ben. Not until I could bring Christopher here, stand at his side, and proclaim it all.
Would they be angry and disappointed?
Definitely.
Would they try to talk me out of my ignorance?
No doubt.
But it made no difference at all.
Because this time, I wasn’t letting Christopher go.
Shaking my head, I forced myself out of my car and into the warmth of the balmy day. I headed up the sidewalk, truly anxious to see Stewart. I warred with the sadness that engulfed me when the picture of his face hit my mind. He’d progressively gotten sicker. Weaker. Thinner.
I hated it, but I pinned a smile on my face, unwilling to put any sort of damper on our visit.
With a quick tap on the wooden door, I twisted the knob and stepped inside. “Mom?” I called. I eased into the silent house, walking through the foyer and stepping into the family room.
“Congratulations!”
I stumbled back in shock when a chorus of cheers rang against the walls. Stunned, I stood at the edge of the room, my mouth gaping as I took in all the faces smiling back at me. My mom and dad, and Sean and Stephanie were there, too. Stewart was on the couch, surrounded by a mound of pillows, tucked under a blanket.
My gaze glided back around the room to take in the balloons and streamers, the place decked out for a celebration. It trailed over to my aunt and uncle, who had my younger cousins in tow.
“What is this?” I asked, my chest feeling all light and fluttery, and my mom stepped forward.
“Oh, sweetheart, today we’re celebrating you,” she said.
Gratitude filled me to the brim, pressing full at my ribs, and tears welled in my eyes. I hadn’t wanted to admit it, but it’d hurt when I’d received little recognition when I told my parents about the job. I’d felt it a brush-off, a dismissal of something that had been so important to me.
Still, with everything they were dealing with, I completely understood.
But this?
This was so much more than I expected.
“Sam.” The deep voice assaulted me from off to the right, behind me, just out of view. Chills skated across the nape of my neck, lifting the delicate hairs. My stomach lurched when Ben approached from where he’d been hidden in the back corner. His mother and father stood behind him. Profuse, exuberant smiles on their faces.
Ben was so sure as he rounded me, as he dropped to his knee and pulled a black velvet box from his pocket.
Oh God.
Realization sunk like a rock into my consciousness.
No.
I couldn’t deal with this.
Not today.
Not ever.
I could feel my head shaking, my entire body vibrating with the sentiment.
No. No. No.
This could not be happening.
My body leaned away, repelling the situation, desperate for a way to be saved from this humiliation.
But I was stuck, a soundless scream locked somewhere in my throat as Ben took my hand, our enthusiastic, expectant audience urging him on. Breaths bated, hands clasped at their chins, as they awaited the most romantic of gestures.
There was nothing romantic about this.
This was coercion.
Brown eyes flashed up to mine and he clutched my trembling hand, and he and I both knew it. I saw possession flare in his eyes, the zealous violence in the clench of his jaw.
Subtly, I tried to pull my hand away, silently begging him not to do this. Almost painfully, he squeezed my wrist.
And I stood there feeling like the most foolish little girl. Like the pitiful pool of despair that he’d found on that bathroom floor years ago because I had no idea how to make my mouth work as he slid the huge ring on my finger.
He didn’t ask me.
And I never said yes.
Because I wouldn’t.
And I was sure there was some part of him that knew it.
Part of him that knew everything even though he had no idea at all.
“There,” he said, his mouth screwing up into a smug smile, his voice dropping low enough that only I could hear him. “All mine.”
Hot, angry tears broke free. Tears my family misinterpreted as happiness. They broke out in applause.
I couldn’t believe he was doing this, right here, in front of our families, but another piece of me wasn’t surprised at all. I wanted to scream, No! Never!
But that guilt flared. What I’d been doing was wrong. Immoral. And despite where my heart lay, Ben had been my rock for a lot of years. There when no one else had been. It would be cruel to humiliate him in front of our families, and I needed to give him the time he deserved and end this the right way, if there ever could be a right way to end things.
But one thing I knew was I needed to do it without an audience. Without the disappointment and questions such a scene would be sure to inspire.
As excruciating as faking my way through this afternoon was going to be.
My mother rushed forward and pulled me into her arms, her words low at my ear. “Oh, sweetheart, I am so happy for you.” She met my eyes, respect reflected in hers. “I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become.” She turned and reached down, softly cupping Ben’s cheek. “Thank you for allowing us to be a part of this moment.”
She looked back at me, admiration steeped in her tone. “When Ben called me late Wednesday night and asked for my help putting this together, I was ecstatic. We even got your sister out here from California in time.”
I wanted to puke.
Wednesday.
After our dinner.
Numbly, I stood there while our families filed forward. People who only loved me and cared and had no clue of the real nature of the man who pushed up from his knee to stand at my side, a self-righteous expression embedded deep on his face.
God, I really was a fool.
The only one who didn’t come up to offer congratulations was Stewart. He remained on the couch, watching us, disappointment and disgust spread out over his pale, pale face.
I spent the rest of the day pretending.
Now I was sitting through the most torturous meal I had ever experienced, one that seemed to go on forever, one I was sure both my mother and Ben’s had slaved over for hours, hoping to provide us with a perfect yet simple engagement party. Everyone tried to involve me in wedding plans, talk of dates and budgets and cake.
The bile wouldn’t recede from my throat.
The entire time, Ben held my hand shackled in his on the top of the table, as if he’d won a prize.
While I had the most unladylike urge to spit in his face.
He’d orchestrated this just like he’d maneuvered me into the house he’d rented. Bending me to his will. Breaking the broken little girl just a little more. Molding me into who he wanted me to be.
But I no longer fit.
Could no longer conform.
Over my shoulder, I watched the movement from the couch. Stewart climbed to his unsteady feet, braced himself on the arm of the couch. “Hey, Ma, I’m going to go lie down on my bed. I’m not feeling so great.”
Heavy emotion washed over her, but she forced a smile. “Sure, sweetheart. I’ll come check on you in a bit.”
He shot me a meaningful glance before he shuffled down the hall.
Pushing back my chair to stand, I finally reclaimed my hand from Ben’s overbearing grasp. “I’m going to go spend a little time with him.” Apologetically, I let my gaze bounce around the faces at the table. “Sunday afternoons are usually ours. I want to make sure I get to spend some time with him. Thank you all so much for coming today.”
Nods from everyone, a scowl from Ben, confusion from my mom.
I rubbed at my forehead as I turned away.
God, Ben just had to pick today. He had to go and make it a hundred times worse. Make me break another oath that I’d not even given. Make the explanations even harder than they would have been.
I tapped at Stewart’s door in the same second I pushed it open, casting him a soft smile as he pulled his covers up to his chin.
“Hey,” I said.
A half smile flitted around his mouth, stark blue eyes bugging out at me. “Well, if it isn’t the soon-to-be Mrs. Ben Carrington.”
I cringed and crossed his room to brush a kiss to his forehead.
When I pulled back an inch, those blue eyes rolled and he smiled a playful smile. “You look thrilled, by the way. Just your typical, ecstatic blushing bride.”
That was the thing with my little brother. It was he who could see right through me. He who knew me best. Facing away, I sat down on the edge of his bed. “That obvious, huh?”
“Uh… yeah. Horror was written all over your face. So why don’t you go ahead and clue me in to who has your panties all wet, because I know it’s not Ben.”
Mouth gaping, I jerked my attention over my shoulder. “What is wrong with you, Stewart? You’re so gross,” I hissed, feeling all that redness I’d worn the last twenty-four hours flood right back to my face.
And how the heck did he know?
Chuckling, he shrugged innocently. “What? If I die without having sex, at least I get to make fun of you about it.”
“Don’t say that.” God, he was always so morbid.
“Hey, you always say you want me to be completely honest with you. Think it’s about time you were honest with yourself.”
His words were pointed, like a double-edged sword driven straight into my heart, all the truths I needed to accept in my life, ones I wanted to welcome and those I wanted to reject.
Words muted to a whisper, Stewart leaned forward. “Now, tell me about this guy who has my sister all spun up. I want to know who had your eyes smiling before that asshole out there stepped in and stole it all away.”
In shock, I stared back at this gentle boy, who held more insight than he should.
My phone took that opportune time to buzz. I had it clutched in my hand, and I discreetly glanced down to catch the message that lit up the screen. Christopher’s name flashed across the top.
My heart did that erratic thing again, but this time I recognized it. An extra beat that accelerated toward perfection. A blip of a moment that spanned farther and farther, stretching to reach that place where I ultimately belonged.
“Who is it?” Stewart asked, trying to peek.
“No one.”
The one.
I could feel the mischief ooze from my little brother, and he shoved his hand out, eyes teasing as he watched my expression. “Give it to me.”
“No.”
He grabbed it and tried to yank it from my hand.
“What in the world is wrong with you, Stewart? I told you it was nothing.”
It was everything.
But would Stewart understand if he knew?
He didn’t back down. “You wouldn’t wrestle a cancer patient, would you?”
“Today I just might,” I shot back, everything between us both light and heavy.
His expression shifted from playful to serious, sympathy and understanding filling up the well of his vivid blue eyes. “Please, Samantha. Let me see.”
Hesitantly, I lessened my hold, nodding, giving it up, knowing Stewart was asking me to trust him. I gulped around the knot in my throat as he slid his finger across the plate. Stunned silence took him whole as he remained fixated on the message for the longest time.
Finally he looked up to find my anxious, unsure gaze. Stewart blinked through a million questions. “Christopher?” he finally asked, quiet and cautious, looking back down at the text Christopher had sent.
How is Stewart today? God, wish I could be there. This is torture, missing you. Feels like this is the longest day of my life.
I nodded again, this time fighting tears. “Yes.”
It’d always been Christopher.
A soft smile edged his mouth. “You know the greatest wish in my life?”
The tears I was fighting won. They broke free and streaked down my face.
Stewart continued. “That you’d find happiness in yours.”
He reached out and touched the side of my face, and I had the intense urge to hug him, to beg him to promise me he’d never leave me, to demand that he find the same for his own.
So I did.
He held me tight while I mumbled my pleas all over him, and I could feel his tears wetting my temple, mingling in my hair. His voice was rough and low. “Love you so much, Samantha. More than I think you could ever know. Thank you for always putting me first, for loving me and sacrificing for me. Now it’s time for you to do that for yourself. Don’t settle. Not now. Not ever.”
“You’re my happy place,” I whispered, my hands in fists where they were twisted in his shirt.
His voice was still raw, but he chuckled, his response woven with suggestion. “Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea about your happy place.”
“Ew.” I smacked him lightly.
He laughed more, hugged me as tight as he could, even though he felt weak and feeble below me.
“Love you, Stew.”
“Love you more.”
“Not even possible,” I said.
The door swung open. “What’s going on in here?”
All that anxiety came barreling back, and I straightened myself to look back at Ben standing in the doorway.
“Oh, you know, just bonding with the big sis,” Stewart said and he lifted a sarcastic brow. “Giving her all the congrats in the world for finding the love of her life.”
I bit back laughter, but a short shot of it escaped and I clapped my hand over my mouth.
Stewart cast me a knowing smirk, while Ben just frowned. Then he set his focus on me. “It’s getting late. We should get out of here. Head home.”
Yeah. It was time. As loath as I was to do it. But somehow I didn’t feel quite as guilty as I had this morning.
“Sure. Give me a second.”
He lifted his chin and shut the door.
I stood and leaned over Stewart, a good-bye kiss to his forehead, squeezed his hand. “Get better, Stewart. I need you well.”
He cast me a somber smile. “Good-bye, Samantha.”
I left his room and went around and told our families good-bye, giving thanks that I would just have to turn around and throw in their faces. I promised Stephanie we’d spend the rest of the day together tomorrow after I got off work before she had to return to California, and left my mother with an apologetic glance that she couldn’t yet understand.
Then I got in my car and followed Ben home.
Ben pulled into the garage. He didn’t spare me a glance when he climbed from his car. He just left the garage door open and went inside.
I parked my SUV behind him on the driveway. I wouldn’t be staying, so there was no point in pulling into my spot.
In an attempt to gather my courage, I sat in the car, battling with the guilt that churned in my stomach. Resentment and bitterness only agitated it. All of it was mixed up with the joy that Christopher’s touch had brought back into my life.
It was difficult to put my finger on any one emotion, this distorted loyalty at odds with what every part of me wanted to claim as my own.
I hated hurting Ben. But it was clear I’d come to the crossroads. So yeah, maybe I’d already taken a sharp right-hand turn, and there was no doubt I should have handled things differently. Even then, I was one hundred percent certain that no matter if Christopher had come back to me or not, I still would be in this exact same spot getting ready to do the exact same thing.
It was time to put an end to what never had been there in the first place.
Night had fallen, the sky dark and quiet when I climbed from my car and headed inside. At the edge of the front room, I came to a stop when I found Ben standing in the middle of it, facing away while he held on to the back of his neck with both hands.
I knew he knew I was there, no words spoken, but somehow the silence said it all. Hostility ate up all the air in the room, leaving us flailing in this limbo that pushed against my resolve.
“Ben,” I chanced, taking a step forward, his name sliding off my tongue like an apology.
He whipped his head around, brown eyes hardened with anger. “Are you trying to make me out to be a fool?”
Caught off guard, I stumbled back. “I…”
What could I say?
“I’m sorry.” It held a finality Ben clearly didn’t want to hear.
He spun all the way around, his head cocked to the side as he slowly approached.
My heart rate ratcheted up by a hundred knots when he released a maniacal laugh. “You’re sorry? That’s it? You’re sorry?” He laughed again, this time incredulous. “All these years, I’ve protected you. Taken care of you. And this is the thanks I get? You making me look like an idiot in front of our families? You think they couldn’t tell you were acting like an ungrateful bitch?”
Anger ate up my insides, and I flung my hand in his direction. The cut of the diamond glinted off the lights. “Is that what you think this is? Protecting me?” Fisting my hand at my side, I shook my head. “This isn’t love or protection, Ben. This is you trying to force me into what you want. Did you forget our dinner last week? I told you I wasn’t ready.” I blinked across at him, hoping he’d understand I’d never be ready, and I lowered my voice. “I don’t want this. I’m sorry, but I don’t want this.”
But my softened tone did nothing to calm him.
“You mean you don’t want me.” He scoffed, his hands propped on his hips as he swore toward the floor. Then he redirected his disgust back to me. “What is it you think you want to move on to, Samantha? Someone who doesn’t give a shit about you? Are you so ignorant that you don’t see what else is out there waiting for you?”
I squeezed my eyes shut against the assault.
Wow. So I knew he could be a jerk. This might have been the first time I realized he was a straight-up asshole.
He didn’t stop or hesitate, just spat more of his contempt at me. He sneered. “Ever since you ran into that Moore bitch, you’ve been acting crazy. Did you let her fill your head with lies? With stupid, foolish ideas?” He inched closer, tilting his head with each step. “Did you see him? Is that what this is about?”
He stood up taller, intimidating, with the intention of making me feel small. “All these years, I’ve protected you. Do you know what from? From assholes like him. You want to know what the real world is like, Samantha? You want to know what guys like Christopher Moore do when you’re not watching?”
Ben almost smiled. “He wasn’t just sleeping with Jasmine behind your back. I could never bring myself to tell you before, but I think it’s time you knew. Every party, Samantha… every party and he was fucking someone else. Long before your parents even found out about the two of you, back when you had some little girl’s fantasy that you’d found your soul mate. He had you so unsuspecting you never even picked up on what was right under your nose.”
A flood of insecurities came pouring in, and I shook my head. “No.”
“Yes.” He took another step forward, backing me into the wall. “You belong here. With me. Don’t think for a second you’ll ever find anyone better, because you won’t. No one could care about you the way I do. No one will love you like me. Definitely not someone like Christopher Moore.”
Confusion billowed through me, and I was shaking, unwilling to accept his words, but unable to erase them all the same. They blistered beneath my skin, a sickness that ambushed my heart and mind. I forced them aside.
“No,” I said again, but it was an anguished whisper. And I hated Ben, hated his words, hated his voice. I didn’t want to hear. I just wanted to escape.
The ring on my finger felt like it weighed a million pounds. So incredibly wrong. I was a rattled mess when I grappled for it, fumbling as I tried to work it over my knuckle. The gold band was too tight. A strangling noose I had to rid myself of before it snuffed out my last bit of hope.
I refused to honor Ben with the truthful explanation I had planned to give, couldn’t even look at him as I shoved the ring I had clenched in my hand against his chest. “I don’t want this,” I said again. The last word cracked.
He squeezed my hand in a crushing grip, the diamond cutting painfully into my palm. “Doesn’t matter if you take that ring off, Samantha, you know you belong to me. Pull yourself together and get over this childishness. You’re just embarrassing yourself.”
My breath left me on an exhale filled with all my disbelief.
Arrogant prick.
I jerked my hand from his grasp and opened it out between us. The ring dropped to the floor. “That’s where you’re wrong. I never belonged to you.”
I held my tears until I made it to my car. I didn’t mean to cry, didn’t want to, but I couldn’t hold them back. I drove to Christopher’s house, clutching the steering wheel the entire time, trying to see through all the bleary anger and hurt Ben had spewed my way. A flicker of that old, nagging distrust was trying to reassert itself, the one that was born the night I’d found Christopher with Jasmine. I didn’t want those fears to rule me, but they wouldn’t be silenced quite so easily.
I just needed to see Christopher and everything would be okay.
I skidded to a stop at the curb, yanked at my keys in the same second I threw it in park. I ran up the sidewalk. I just needed to see him. Feel him. Be reassured that all of that was in the past.
Because I already knew. I already had the burden of carrying the most vile of memories. Christopher fucking the one girl whose life’s goal had been making mine a living hell. Closing my eyes to see the image that had been forever ingrained in my mind was torture. But I’d forgiven him. Accepted the past for what it was, anticipated the future for all I expected it to hold.
Believed in Christopher for who he was today.
Impatience had me hammering on his front door, and it flew open with all the intensity I’d pounded into it. Relief gushed from me when I saw him standing there, and it only made the tears pour faster down my face.
That was all quickly replaced by Christopher’s panic. “Samantha… baby… what’s wrong?” He grabbed me by the outside of my shoulders, dragging me in the door. He kicked it shut, his hands running all over me as if he were searching to find out if I was hurt. “What did he do… what the fuck did that asshole do? I swear to God, I will kill him, Samantha. What did he do?”
“He… he was at my mom’s. H-h-he had a ring.” I could barely speak, the words tumbling out in a mess of embarrassment and shame. “He didn’t even ask… he didn’t even ask. Everyone was there, Christopher.”
“What?” Christopher’s hold tightened. “He didn’t even ask you what?”
“To marry him. In front of everyone he got on his knee and put it on my finger.”
His attention flashed to my finger, barren of the evidence of Ben’s coercion. Frantic, Christopher pushed me up against the wall, half-crazed, half-demanding. “I won’t let him have you, Samantha. He can’t have you. You’re mine. You’ve always been.”
By the waist, he lifted me, pinning me to the wall with the hard planes of his body. I could do nothing but wrap my legs around his hips. He rocked against me, the friction of his jeans igniting that fire, the threat of Ben fueling those flames. He buried his face in my neck as if he didn’t want to see, his bite aggressive as he turned to nip at my jaw, at my chin, moving to my lips. “Told you I wouldn’t let you go. Not ever again.”
His frenzied voice ached with regret.
“Never,” I told him, grinding myself on his erection that was pressed tight between my thighs. I felt desperate to erase the distance Ben had tried to wedge between us.
Christopher seemed even more fractured over it, unable to fathom the idea of what Ben had tried to force on me.
“I just got you back and he’s trying to take you away.”
“I’m here… I’m here.”
“Here,” he said as if a demand, tearing at my clothes, overwrought as he rushed to palm every inch of exposed skin. My shoulders were pressed to the wall, my chest heaving with harsh breaths. He pushed up my shirt and dragged off the cups of my bra. My breasts felt heavy and full as he looked on them with a stuttered groan. He splayed his hands across my back, dragging me forward, and his hot mouth was there, drawing my nipple into its warmth, sucking hard before he turned to the other.
I bucked, my hands fists in his hair.
He wrapped an arm low around my waist, his body leaving mine for a fraction of a second, and without setting me down, he dragged my shorts and panties from my legs. Fumbling, he pushed his jeans and underwear down around his thighs.
Without warning, he thrust into me.
I cried out from the perfect invasion.
No condom.
No heed.
Christopher took me completely.
Recklessly.
I clutched his shoulders while he drove into me, every pitch and roll of his hips possessive and demanding. My back slammed into the wall with every relentless, earth-shattering drag of his body.
And I knew he was fucking me like he’d promised all those months ago. Marking me. Ensuring I would never forget.
Emotions strangled me, my love endless and overflowing. Without question. At the same time, some piece of Christopher’s love seemed just out of my reach, doubt Ben had spurred infiltrating the space that had seemed so solid when I walked out the door this morning.
Jumbled words left me as Christopher pounded harder and faster. Declarations of love and need and an inkling of the fear that Ben’s words held an ounce of truth that had chased me back here to his doorstep.
My fingers dug deeper into the muscles that bowed and flexed on his shoulders as he devoured me. Taking me whole.
I refused to let go.
Christopher gripped my hips, and his hands slipped around to my bottom. He spread me wide, burying himself so deep I was blinded. No longer could I discern what was light or dark. What was inside or out. What was right or wrong.
Because he was everywhere.
I was fractured by the orgasm that tore through me, a cutting bliss that sliced open every last insecurity that had been bred in me, every doubt and uncertainty I’d ever harbored ripping free.
Christopher jerked and cried out, his body going rigid as he pulsed inside me. Every barrier down. Every wall destroyed.
He gasped for air, clutching my sides. He pressed his mouth against mine, the words ragged. “I love you. I love you so fucking much.” His forehead dropped to mine. “So fucking much.” The last sounded like an apology.
And I was stripped bare, overwhelmed and exposed in all my vulnerability. It all overflowed, the emotion that had sent tears streaking down my face gathering as a knot in the center of my chest. A sob raked up my throat.
“Did you want her more than me?” It killed me to ask, but I had to know. “All the time you were with me, did you want her?”
Christopher stilled and pulled his head back an inch. Confusion clouded his expression. “Who?”
“Jasmine.” God, it hurt just to say her name. And I knew how much more it was going to hurt to hear him say it. But we had to get it out in the open. Confront that past, or, just like I’d told him that morning, I could never fully move on.
Her name seemed to jar him, striking him like a physical blow. He jerked back, his hands moving to the outsides of my thighs. “No. Never,” he swore. “Damn it, Samantha, I’d never touch that bitch. Not ever.”
But his voice cracked, and the admission of deceit passed so vividly across his face. Those green eyes flashed with some kind of morbid dishonesty, something terrible hidden there that he didn’t want me to see.
My eyes slammed closed to shield myself from it, and the pain inside became physical, so heavy I was sure it would crush me. I struggled to wring myself out of his powerful hold.
He held on tighter. “Samantha… baby, look at me.”
Violently, I shook my head, refusing his call. With another smothered sob, I pushed against his chest, and he finally yielded, allowing me to slide down his body and onto my feet. But they were weak, just as weak as my knees and my heart, and I swayed with a rush of dizziness. I bent over at the middle, trying to hold the pieces together before I crumbled at his feet.
“Samantha,” he whispered, his voice urgent and raw.
Nausea swirled through my stomach, and I bent down to gather my shorts and underwear from the ground. Humiliation burned up my insides, lashes of unbearable shame that licked at my skin when I fumbled and tried to pull them up my wobbly legs.
God, I must look pathetic.
I kept my face downturned, unable to look at the man I’d chosen to trust.
Foolish, foolish girl.
I should have known. I should have known.
When I heard him zipping up his pants, I winced, mortified by the fact that I’d just let him come undone inside me when I really didn’t know him at all.
I gulped over the reality.
Because I did.
All along, I’d known him. When I’d first seen Aly, every self-preserving bone in my body had screamed at me to run. To stay away. To protect myself from the one who had the power to destroy me.
The one who had gladly watched me burn to ashes.
That malicious boy who’d just grown into an evil man.
“Fuck, Samantha, would you look at me?”
Finally I lifted my chin, meeting his gaze that jumped all over my face, but somehow didn’t want to meet my eye. I choked over the disbelieving laughter that bubbled up. The sound was wet with regret and shame and all the hurt he continued to pile on me.
“What do you want me to see, Christopher? Do you want me to see the lies written all over your face? Or is it that you really just want to see the pain written on mine?”
“What the hell are you talking about? Of course I don’t want to see you in pain.”
“You know, Ben tried to stop me from going in the room that night. After I heard about what happened to Jared… I…” I couldn’t hold any of this in any longer, even knowing it made me more vulnerable than I already was to tell him everything. “I was heartbroken for you, Christopher, heartbroken for Jared, and I thought I understood what happened the night that you came to my window. I went looking for you. I had some stupid fantasy that we’d run away together.”
Christopher took a step back, his face warping with confusion.
That old anguish shook my head. “I was stupid enough to think you needed me. I believed you were just desperate and never intended on hurting me. But you had every intention of it, didn’t you? You just stared right at me while you fucked that slut who hated me. Did you like it? Seeing me humiliated and broken? Do you like it now?”
All the color drained from his face. It only accentuated the lies he’d tried to hide. I watched the bob of his throat as he swallowed down my words, and his hands went to his hair. “No, Samantha… never… I never meant to hurt you. That was… I was out of my mind. You broke up with me. That night I gave up and gave in.”
He ran his palm over his forehead, his attention toward the floor. “Shit.” He looked back at me. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t even know you were there, and I swear I never did it to hurt you. I couldn’t see straight… couldn’t feel anything but the misery that was eating me alive. Fuck, baby, I didn’t know you were there. Please… you can’t believe I would do that to you.”
Never.
There was that word again.
Never.
The lie had slipped from him so easily.
I’d never touch that bitch. Not ever.
But he lied.
He lied.
Because he had.
He took a pleading step forward, dipping his head down to try to catch my face. “I’ve never felt worse than after that night. I never touched Jasmine before or after that night. Never. And I most definitely didn’t know you were there. I would never do that to you. I thought I’d lost you.”
Never. Never. Never.
The bile that had been lodged in my throat all day throbbed.
“Liar.” The word oozed from my mouth. “Ben told me everything that night… when he had to pick me up and carry me out of that party. All those months I was missing you, holding on to the belief that we would find some way to work it out, all that time I prayed for a way for us to be together, you were with her. Tonight he told me about the rest of them, too. I know everything.”
My own disappointment and sorrow wrapped around the words. “And here I was, naive enough to forget all of it if you really loved me now. Because I never stopped loving you, Christopher. Even after knowing you cheated on me all those months, I never stopped loving you.”
Never.
There it was again.
But this time it was my truth.
I began to back away, trying to put space between me and what I wanted most, while Christopher seemed rooted to the floor, his expression shifting through a million dark shadows.
At the door, I stopped. “Laugh all you want, because you win. You finally broke me.”
Just a pawn in his sick, twisted game.
I turned the knob. The sound of metal scraping pinged around the room.
“Motherfucker.” Christopher was suddenly there, pulling at my arm. “He lied. He fucking lied, Samantha. He always wanted you. I knew it. I fucking knew it.”
I yanked my arm away. “Don’t touch me. You don’t get to do that anymore. Not ever again. You lied to me… looked me in the eyes just now and swore you had never touched Jasmine. Not ever. How quickly your story changed when you knew you were caught. I’m done with it. I’m done with you.”
“No… fuck, Samantha… would you just listen? You said we needed to talk. Talk to me.”
“How can I talk to you when I can’t believe a single word you say? I asked one thing of you, Christopher. One thing. I just wanted you to be honest with me. I was willing to forgive you for everything else.”
I turned and flew out the door.
He was right behind me, fingers trying to touch, words trying to penetrate. I ran faster, pushing farther.
Desperate for space. Desperate for breath.
“There weren’t any more. I swear to you. And I swear it was just once. I lied. Yes, I lied. I’m an idiot, Samantha, but I couldn’t bear for you to know what I’d done. I’ve hated myself for doing it for so long. I’m so sorry. I was just trying to protect you.”
I was sick of men trying to protect me.
I clicked the locks to my car, a rash, wild need urging me to get away.
“Samantha, baby, don’t do this. Listen to me. Please, give me a chance.”
I flung the driver’s door open, rushing to get inside. “I already gave you a chance.”
I slammed the door shut, fingers fumbling to lock it. Christopher pounded a flat palm against the window, yelling my name. My hands shook as I tried to get the key in the ignition. I gasped out in relief when I finally found the slot. I turned the engine over, threw it in gear.
And I left Christopher screaming for me in the middle of the street.
I refused to look in the rearview mirror, not that I could see through my tears anyway.
Refused to hear, even though I wanted to listen.
Refused to stop, because I knew the only choice I had was to go.
Loud sobs broke free, and I wept as I was struck with this consuming grief. Frantic, I tried to clear my vision with the back of my hand.
Sad thing? I had nowhere to go.
Nowhere I belonged.
Not when every piece of me belonged to him.