Nine Months Later
The sun held high in the sky, Phoenix in the fierce grip of the long, hot summer. Heat waves pressed down, infiltrating everything, saturating the air, radiating from the ground. I lifted my face to it, basking in its warmth as I stretched out on the pool lounger in my backyard.
Contentment swamped me.
Yeah.
My backyard.
Or rather, our backyard, and I had to be honest. I liked that description the best.
That night nine months ago when I asked Christopher to take me home, he’d automatically brought me here, without question, without hesitation.
And I’d never left.
Even through our separation, something inside me had always known it was with him where I belonged, just like Christopher had known the same with me. I understood it now, how when I first reconnected with Aly, when I held her baby girl, when Jared had welcomed me into their home, I’d felt an immediate bond. The demands of this need never allowed me to shut them out, as if I was being drawn in their direction, that vacant place in me vibrating with the longing to be filled.
Something inside me knew they would fit perfectly.
Because they were an extension of Christopher. And in turn, that made them an extension of me.
I’d just never known how important they would become, how all these people would change the landscape of my life, how they’d lift me and fill me and adore me in the same way I adored them.
God, I guess I’d just never known how good life could be until I’d finally allowed Christopher to love me.
One of those perfect pieces came tottering toward me after her dad hoisted her out of the pool, Aly right there to help their daughter safely to her feet. Black hair soaked, the tips of her cute little pigtails dripping, big blue eyes filled with all that childlike innocence.
My heart pressed so full it almost hurt. The tiny girl wore a pink bathing suit covered in butterflies, her little legs chubby, almost as chubby as her adorable cheeks. Distracted by the puddle her body made, she stopped to jump in it, giggling wildly when she splashed droplets of water everywhere.
“Look at you, big girl,” I cooed. “Did you go swimming with your uncles and your daddy?”
She nodded emphatically, then hopped the rest of the way over to the edge of my lounger. I was all too happy to scoop her up. Her cool body met with my sun-soaked skin, and she curled her arms between us, snuggling closer to get warmed up. She burrowed her face at my chest.
“Tee-tee,” she attempted as she peeked up at me, her grin spreading wide, four tiny teeth visible in her heart-wrenching smile.
She couldn’t say auntie, but the erratic beat of my heart knew exactly what she meant.
Joy lit Aly’s face, and she bit at her bottom lip. Obviously she couldn’t stand just how adorable her daughter was, either. She ran a gentle hand over Ella’s head. “Yes, you did, didn’t you, princess?”
Aly cast me a soft smile and sat down on the lounger beside me. She squeezed the water from her ponytail. “Pool feels amazing. You should put your feet in,” she suggested.
I cuddled Ella. “This sweet little thing is keeping me cool enough, aren’t you, love bug?” I said, hugging her tight.
She squealed and wiggled out of my hold. “Daddy… pool?” With the question, she pointed to him with her tiny finger, intent eyes going to her mommy.
We were just beginning to understand the words she struggled to form, and her little voice was about the most precious thing I’d ever heard.
“Yep… your daddy is in the pool acting like a big ol’ kid, isn’t he?” Aly teased, tossing her husband a flirty grin.
Jared splashed her and she squeaked, and Ella burst out laughing like it was the funniest thing she’d ever seen.
“Oh, you want daddy to splash you, too?” Jared turned his playful warning to Ella, sidling up to the edge of the pool, his smile so consuming and full of love as he looked at his daughter that I couldn’t help but feel it right in the center of my chest.
My gaze automatically slid to Christopher, where it seemed to be endlessly drawn, and my heart stuttered when I found him watching me with an expression akin to Jared’s, all this adoration and affection blazing just for me, like seeing me with his niece undid something inside of him.
Those flames licked and danced in my belly, anticipation and need.
Augustyn jumped on Christopher’s back, and Christopher laughed a boisterous laugh as he flung him off, diving down to tackle his younger brother. Jared jumped in, the three of them uncontainable. Loving life. Living it. Enjoying every second of their days.
My mom appeared at my side and handed me a glass of ice water. “Here you go, sweetheart.”
I accepted it. “Thanks, Mom.”
“No problem.” She turned to Aly. “Can I get you anything?”
Aly relaxed back on the lounger. “I’m perfect, but thank you, Sally.”
This was how we spent most Sunday afternoons, hanging out with our families, slowly merging them together.
My and Christopher’s dads were over at the grill, none too interested in getting trapped up in the dangers of the pool, where the younger guys were a bit on the rowdy side. Conversation between them consisted of few words, but they seemed to get along just fine. Christopher’s mom had her legs submerged in the water, sitting at the side of the pool, watching her boys play while my mom cautiously eased over to sit beside her, their friendship at first tenuous and questioning, but blossoming into one my mother had needed long before she realized it.
She’d needed an outlet, a place without criticism or judgment.
That was something my mother and I had in common that I’d never understood before. She had also always felt as if she had to live up to everyone’s expectations just like I had, I the pastor’s daughter and she the pastor’s wife. That mutual confession had gone a long way in helping us understand each other, and it definitely had brought us closer.
Above that, she needed a reprieve, someone to laugh with, to cry with, to help her whittle away the effects of a life spent in a self-imposed solitude, tormented with her worry for Stewart.
Bottom line, she needed a friend.
Of course, it was no surprise it’d taken some time for my parents to warm up to the idea of me and Christopher, although they hadn’t been entirely surprised, either. Mom had opened up and told me her greatest worry when I was a teenager had been the intense connection she witnessed between Christopher and me. She said all those afternoons when he’d waltz into our house and we’d pretend like we were only friends, she’d so easily seen through those pretenses, right to the powerful attraction that was palpable underneath.
She’d worried about my age. About the clear differences in our beliefs. What had scared her most was the way Christopher looked at me and the way I looked at him.
She’d been shocked and concerned to learn of the way Christopher had once again worked his way into my heart and life, how for months I’d snuck around behind Ben’s back so I could spend time with Christopher. Because in hindsight? I knew the entire time where it would lead.
But our devotion had risen above all of that, Christopher’s love for me a testament, the care he took of me a cure. It wasn’t long before I felt the shift in my parents, in their belief, in their support of me, which in turn had ushered in their support of Christopher.
I glanced down at the ring on my finger. Inconspicuously, I waved the diamond through the rays of light, watching as the bevels glinted and shined.
Christopher had proposed to me on my twenty-fourth birthday. He’d said we missed that milestone on my sixteenth and it was high time he rectified the situation. He no longer wanted to remember the date of my birth as something he’d missed but instead something he had gained.
It didn’t even take a beat for me to agree.
My gorgeous dress was hanging in my mother’s closet, right next to all my bridesmaids’, Aly, Stephanie, and Megan set to wear the beautiful gray silk. Ella would walk the aisle, that sweet little one standing up as our flower girl next month. Or probably more accurately playing on the stairs of my father’s church, stealing all the attention, but we were okay with that, too.
Stewart would be there, too. His spirit living on. Strong and beating in our hearts. Just like Christopher’s prayer, I knew Stewart had to be out there, watching over us. Shining more of his beauty and positivity into our lives.
“All right, time to eat,” David Moore called, holding a platter of food he’d pulled from the grill.
“’Bout time, old man,” Christopher shouted, shooting a wink at his dad.
Dave Moore pulled up half a grin. “Watch yourself there, son. You don’t want me to have to jump in there to teach you kids a lesson.”
Aug laughed, swiped the dripping water from his face. “Better listen, man,” he warned his brother, nudging him. “Dude took my ass out when we were playing football the other day. Dad’s no joke.”
“That’s ’cause you’re a pussy.” Christopher smiled wide, messing with his little brother.
“Ass,” Aug returned, punching Christopher in the arm.
Their dad waved his spatula. “Need I remind you two that we have little ears here? The lot of you are bad influences.” And there their dad was again, the moderator, keeping his boys in line.
I giggled toward Christopher, and he cut me a sly smile.
Everyone climbed out of the pool, gathered to eat at the outdoor tables, the afternoon passing in that easy, content way. When everyone jumped back in the pool to cool off, I hung out at the edge, every once in a while getting brave enough to dip my toes in, that childhood fear still chasing me into adulthood.
But as I dragged my toe across the water, setting it in a tranquil sway of ripples, I no longer felt the slither of fear travel down my spine, but rather that anticipation of what was to come.
That my life was on the cusp of change.
But that anxiety was no longer one of dread, and it no longer instilled me with worries and questions, instead wrapping me in a fresh blanket of security.
Just as the sun was setting, our families bid us good-bye. Hugs were given and well wishes for the week. Certainly, I’d see Aly and her family, the three of them as constant in our home as we were in theirs. It was a rare day when I didn’t see them or at least talk to Aly on the phone.
The rest of them I might not see until the next week, when we’d all gather again, coming together to share in this life.
I snapped the side gate shut behind them and turned to face Christopher, who was still in the pool, his head bobbing just above the water at the deep end.
Slowly, I crossed the yard, coming to stand at the shallow end, just at the start of the steps. A soft smile pulled at his mouth, and he swam forward to the middle of the pool and settled on his feet. Water lapped at his chest, his hair wet and gleaming. He flicked it back, and the little drips slid off the locks of his midnight hair and onto his shoulders, trailing down his dark, toned skin.
God, he was a vision, and looking at him still knotted me tight with desire, our love thick and unending.
I drew in a gulp of air, held it in my tightened lungs, and dipped my toes in above the top step.
A flash of a frown dented Christopher’s forehead when I propelled myself forward, crossed that line that had always held me back. Fear pounded for a frantic beat, but I pushed it aside and focused on the man who I knew would guard me with his life, and I instantly found myself wrapped up in the comfort that washed through his eyes.
“What are you doing, beautiful?” he asked, edging forward. Ripples skated across the top of the pool as he came near, his body slowly exposed as he eased into shallower waters, his body that made me dizzy and his smile that made me weak. He stopped before he hit the bottom step, and I took another brave step, submerging both my feet to my ankles.
I shook, standing on the top step. Chills skidded across my flesh, and I breathed in, breathed out, found my voice. “You came back to me when I was filled with fear. When I was riddled with bitterness and hurt. One glimpse of you and I was thrown into a terror. One made up of everything you stood for. I knew how easily you could break me, how you’d wrecked me and destroyed me, and I was terrified that you still affected me the exact same way you did when I was a fifteen-year-old girl.”
I took one step deeper, and the cool water crawled up my calf and landed just below the well of my knee. “But that fear owned me only because I gave it power… but it was a power that couldn’t hold.” My other foot came down to rest beside the first, and Christopher just watched my actions, silently coaxing me near, the man in tune with my goal.
“Letting go of those fears was so difficult, but when I finally did, the greatest joy was unearthed” – I touched my chest – “and my broken heart was repaired at your touch.” I let the sole of my foot slide over the sharp curve of the step, and I sucked in a steeling breath as I sank to the third step. Water swallowed up my thigh. “I don’t want to hang on to false fears anymore, Christopher, and this one… it’s been hounding me for a long, long time. I want to face it with you.” My left leg followed, and I stood in front of Christopher, submerged to midthigh, my eyes a head above his.
He tipped his head back and his hands came up to embrace me at my hips. “Samantha,” he murmured, his expression cautious, his movements even more so. I so clearly saw the understanding flicker in his eyes, the warmth contained there, and I knew he knew this was about so much more than what most would consider a silly childhood fear. Because for most of my life, it hadn’t felt silly in the slightest.
It had been crippling.
Debilitating.
But now? Now I wanted to run.
To fly.
To do it with this man.
Gentle hands slid further around my back, encircling me in a show of support, all the strength and security I needed to face this fear.
To face this life.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
“More than you could imagine.”
He lifted me off my feet, bringing me flush to him, skin to skin, and I wrapped my arms around his neck as he allowed me to slip farther down, until we were face-to-face. Slowly he edged us back, sinking us deeper into the waters, the sun sliding away, diving toward the horizon, as Christopher took me deeper.
Past all those places where I was afraid.
Because with him I was free.
Free to love.
Free to dream.
Free to be me.
Out in the middle of the pool, he stopped his descent, and he pulled me close as he spun us in a slow circle, never insinuating the possibility that he’d even consider letting me go.
He was with me to the end.
“You’re swimming,” he whispered, dancing with me in the cool waters, my feet nowhere close to touching the bottom, my shoulders dipping down in sync with his.
I choked over the emotion. “And I’m not afraid.”
One hand threaded through my hair, holding me at the back of the head. He caressed his thumb just under my jaw. “You have nothing to be afraid of, baby. Always gonna be right here for you. Whatever you need, I’m here.”
I held him closer, breathing him deep into the well of my lungs. Contentment seeped back out on my sigh. My mouth was near his ear as he continued to sway me, hold me.
“I have something to tell you,” I whispered, so low I knew he more felt the words than heard them, the same way I could feel the spike in his heart rate.
“Yeah?” he asked, hugging me closer, both hands splayed wide across my back.
“Yeah. And it’s big, and I know our lives together have just begun and now everything’s going to change again, but I want to dive headfirst into this with you.”
I could feel his smile emerge where he rested his face on the side of my head, the man catching on. “Yeah?” he asked again, prodding for more.
“Yeah,” I repeated, pulling back to look at him, releasing my hold enough so I could reach out and flutter my fingertips down the side of his face. “I didn’t think I’d be scared, but I am.”
But this wasn’t a debilitating fear.
This fear was liberating.
This fear spoke of the future.
Of every hope.
Of a life filled with even more love.
I’d thought loving any more than I already did would be impossible. The love I had for him. For my family and for his.
I’d thought I’d been full.
Little did I know I had so much more to give.
I’d stopped taking the pill two months before.
We were supposed to use condoms.
We didn’t.
Somewhere inside I think we both knew we were ready, the way Christopher had looked at me, asking me for silent permission to fill me whole, to take me skin to skin, knowing full well where we were likely to land.
“You got my baby?”
Clutching him, I nodded, feeling the force of a soggy smile break through the heavy emotion gripping my face. The way he said it with so much yearning just about annihilated me, burning through me, but how quickly I’d learned those flames supplied my breath.
“Are you happy?” I murmured against his neck.
He exhaled into my hair, brushing his fingers through it, before his big hand moved to hold my head in a firm embrace, his mouth at my ear as he murmured tender words. “Nothing in this world could make me happier, Samantha. Watching your belly grow with my baby. Claiming you as my wife. Having someone call me Daddy. It’s all I want, baby… to spend this life with you.”
I burrowed deeper, inhaling his warmth, the tears welling in my eyes slipping free. “I love you, my crazy boy.”
Christopher captured my mouth in a kiss that rocked through me with its intensity, the man loving me in the middle of a pool, holding me up in my fears. He pulled back, green eyes staring right at me. “Completely, crazy in love with you.”