Chapter 16
Trix
I woke with a silent gasp and lay completely still as I took inventory of the room I was in.
Sunlight was pouring through the long, narrow window near the ceiling, and the sound of Cam’s snores filled the room.
We were at the clubhouse. My body relaxed against the scratchy green army blanket we were lying on and I turned my head slowly to look at Cam. His mouth was open slightly, his face completely relaxed beneath a scruffy beard.
There was a smear of blood on his neck and a few more down the arm that was wrapped around my torso.
I swallowed hard at the nausea that threatened, looking toward the water-damaged ceiling.
Oh, God.
Everything from the day before came back to me in a flash, the scenes in my head bombarding me, one after another. I could barely breathe.
I’d gone screaming to my pop, babbling incoherently instead of telling him there were people at the house.
I’d never forgive myself for that.
What if I’d told him instantly that there were men in the front yard? What if I’d warned them?
Shame burned so hot in my belly that my body curled inward.
I gingerly grasped Cam’s arm and moved it off me. I needed to get out of there. I needed to hide. I didn’t want anyone to see me. I couldn’t bear to look at anyone, knowing what I’d done.
I was scooting down the bed so I could crawl away when Cam’s hand shot out, stopping my movements.
“Bea?” he asked roughly, his eyes still closed.
Then they opened widely, and he was frantically jerking me back up the bed.
“You okay?” he asked, ripping my shirt over my head before I could protest.
His hands ran over my torso, sliding up my belly and down each arm. Then his fingers were at my shorts, dragging them and my panties down my legs. My flip-flops had fallen to the edge of the bed at some point and he brushed them off with an impatient swipe.
“Oh, God,” he mumbled, his fingers anxiously searching for any injuries. “Oh, God.”
His voice was so agonized, my entire body locked up. I couldn’t even respond to his words or reassure him as he rolled me to my side so he could check my back.
“Bellatrix,” he groaned, burying his face between my breasts. His hands hurriedly tore at my bra straps, pulling my bra down my chest so he could feel the skin of my breasts against his face.
Tears ran down my face as I timidly raised my hands, wrapping them around the back of his head.
“You’re okay,” he breathed against my skin, one hand smoothing down my belly to right below my belly button. “Oh, God.”
A broken sob tore out of my throat as he shuddered.
“You’re okay,” he repeated over and over, keeping his face against me as he tore off his cut and threw it off the bed.
He raised his head and his pupils were so huge they almost eclipsed the blue of his eyes.
With a moan, his lips met mine. He kissed me harshly, pushing his tongue into my mouth in desperation, his hands coming up to frame my face tenderly.
“I love you,” he mumbled against my lips, “I love you.”
His lips never left me as he dragged them down my cheek to the hollow place beneath my jaw. He moved to my shoulder, my collarbone, my breasts, my sternum, and the place beneath my bellybutton, before tracing his way back up again. His fingers pushed and pulled, squeezing my ribs between his hands before moving to grip my hips.
“Cam,” I wheezed, trying to drag breath into my lungs as I pulled him upward so I could press my mouth against his again.
Then it was me pulling and pressing my hands against him frantically, tracing his ribs and belly and back with my fingers. I ripped at the button on his jeans, and he reached one hand down to help me shove them down his hips.
Then in one swift move, he was inside me.
Our first time without anything between us.
“Jesus,” he sobbed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
My chest heaved as he slid back and forth, his arms coming up to wrap around the sides of my head.
Cam’s left hand smoothed down my side to my thigh and he froze.
“Cam?” My voice wobbled.
His forehead hit my shoulder and I felt warm, wet liquid drip into the hollow of my collarbone.
Then he was up, pulling out of me and flipping my body facedown on the bed.
His entire body wrapped around me as he tilted my hips up and slid back inside.
“You’re okay,” he murmured against my shoulder, my hair catching in the scruff on his face. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”
His thighs bracketed mine, his chest pressed to my back as one arm wrapped across my chest and the other settled on the bed, bracing him above me.
I reached back and gripped his head, holding his face against me as he thrust hard, over and over again. Tears leaked unchecked from my eyes as my body wound tighter and tighter, finally falling into a long, rolling orgasm as his body protected mine from the outside world.
“I love you,” I whispered, making his entire body heave with a sob.
* * *
“Your brother’s comin’ home,” Cam told me quietly as I sat on one of the couches in the main room of the clubhouse a few days later. “You wanna go see him?”
“No,” I replied, not looking up from the book I was reading. My nan had brought it to me the day before when she’d caught me staring off into space.
We were all staying at the clubhouse for the time being. Some of the members had chosen to send their families out of town, so shit wasn’t as crowded as it could have been, but it still sucked big time.
I hadn’t been back to the hospital. I refused to leave the clubhouse, even to go outside. I didn’t want to see anyone, and if most of the families hadn’t been outside at the moment, I would have been barricaded inside Cam’s room.
“He wants to see you,” Cam said patiently, pulling the book from my hands.
“I’ll go over tonight,” I snapped, reaching for my book.
“You can’t be there to welcome him home?” he argued, tossing the book across the room. “The fuck is wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit. You walk around like a fuckin’ ghost all day. Only time I get a reaction outta ya is when I’m fuckin’ nailin’ ya.”
My head snapped back at his coarse words.
“Fuck you.”
He looked down at his bare wrist then back to me. “Nah, couple more hours before that happens again.”
Tears burned the backs of my eyes.
He was right, but I’d never say that. I was having a hard time, such a hard fucking time. Every morning, I woke up desperate and sweating from nightmares that seemed never ending. They were a mix of memories I’d either blocked out or forgotten from when I was little, and scenes from the attack only a few days ago. They got so mixed up in my mind that at times, my stepdad’s face was multiplied on each of the shooters. I couldn’t cope.
I’d immediately reach for Cam, anxious for him to make me think of something else. He always complied, sometimes pulling me to him and sliding inside of me when he wasn’t even fully awake yet. It happened over and over again, sometimes more than once in the middle of the night.
We’d begun sleeping with a fan in our room to air-dry our sweaty bodies, and by the time I crawled out of the bed each morning, I was sticky and smelly from the night before.
“I need to go out to my parents’ place today,” Cam finally said quietly. “They can’t keep sleepin’ at a hotel now that they’re lettin’ Lily head home.”
“They’re discharging her?” I asked in surprise.
“Yeah.” He scratched at his face, then dropped his hands. “Can’t find nothin’ wrong with her. Can’t keep her there.”
“She can’t see. That’s what’s wrong with her!”
“Physically, she’s fine,” he snapped back. “It’s all in her fuckin’ head.”
He shot to his feet and twined his fingers together behind his neck as he began to pace.
“That can’t be right,” I murmured, shaking my head. “She can’t fucking see.”
“I gotta get goin’,” Cam said abruptly. “Gonna try and clean up out there.”
I wanted so badly to tell him I’d help him. I knew he wouldn’t ask anyone else because he wouldn’t want them to see his reactions to the destruction the attack had left behind. But I couldn’t make myself go back to Casper and Farrah’s.
I couldn’t go there ever again.
“I’ll be here when you get back,” I said finally as his eyes searched my face.
I wasn’t sure what he was looking for—what he was trying to find—but after a few seconds, he nodded and leaned down to kiss me. I was passive as his lips pulled at mine.
“Be back later,” he said gruffly, then strode out of the room.
I glanced down at the book on the floor a few feet away, but I couldn’t find the ambition to get off the couch and grab it. Instead, I stared at the side of the pool table and let my mind drift.
“Hi, I’m Bellatrix Colleen,” I announced, coming to a stop in front of the old lady sitting in my backyard.
“Nice to meet you, Bellatrix Colleen,” she said, reaching out to shake my hand, like I was a big person.
“You can call me Trix if you want.” I shook her hand as hard as I could.
“Alright, then.” She gave my hand a gentle squeeze before letting go. “My name is Rose, but you can call me Gram.”
“Gram?”
“Yep.”
I thought about that for a moment.
“Okay. I have a Gramps, but I don’t have a Gram.”
“You do now.” Her face lit up in a bright smile, the corners of her eyes crinkling in the best way, and I felt an answering smile pull at my cheeks. I liked her already.
I shuddered and snapped out of my memory as someone sat down next to me.
“Hey, sweetheart,” my nan said gently, reaching out to wrap her arm around my shoulders. “How you doing?”
“Fine.”
“Don’t bullshit me.”
I tensed for a second and then relaxed against her, dropping my head against her shoulder.
“Shitty,” I answered again.
“Yeah, you and me both,” Nan replied.
“How’s Gramps?”
“Pissy as hell and threatening to discharge himself from the hospital.”
“How long are they going to keep him?”
“Just a few more days, I think,” she said with a sigh, running her hand up and down my arm as she rested her head on top of mine. “They’ll send him back here and then I’ll have to fight to keep him off his leg.”
“Sounds like Gramps.”
“Could be worse,” Nan said, her voice hitching. “He’s still here, so I’ve got no room to complain.”
“I think there’s plenty of room,” I argued, staring across the room at a broken bottle that had rolled under one of the tables. “How’s Callie?”
“Why haven’t you been to see for yourself?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to explain myself. Not then.
“She’s getting better. In a lot of pain, though.”
I nodded.
“Nix has been working his way around the hospital, staying with Will mostly, since Callie’s needed Grease. Can’t imagine being Grease right now, one child gone, his wife and oldest in the hospital and his other children bein’ passed around to family. He must feel pulled in a thousand different directions.”
My eyes welled and I closed them tight, causing tears to roll down my face.
All of our families had been targeted, but the Hawthorne family had been hit hardest of all.
“I keep picking up the phone to call Vera,” Nan said with a sad laugh. “At least they went together. Not sure she could have made it if he didn’t.”
“Bubby’s coming home today,” I told her, using the nickname I’d given my brother when he was born.
“Think he’s already there,” she replied.
“Oh.”
“You gonna go see him?”
“Maybe later.”
“Trix,” she scolded gently. “He’s been asking for you.”
“I don’t know if—”
“I know you’ve seen him,” she cut me off, her voice growing more forceful. “But he hasn’t seen you. He’s been asking for you for days, getting frantic every time someone tells him that you’re not there.”
“What?” I shot up on the couch, turning to face her straight on. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
“You’ve been locked up in here, not talking to anyone. Don’t think your parents wanted to make things worse for you.”
“Jesus, that’s stupid,” I snapped, sliding my flip-flops on. “You coming with me?”
“I’ll be over in a little while,” she said, climbing to her feet. “I want to clean up your Gramps’ room a bit before he comes home.”
I raced outside, shielding my eyes with my hands as sunlight hit them for the first time in way too long. There were brothers and their families hanging out at the picnic benches and kids running around in the grass, but I didn’t acknowledge anyone as I jogged past them.
My eyesight went fuzzy for a second as I reached the long grass between my parents’ house and the club, but I shook it off and kept moving. My legs itched as I jogged the distance to the house, but I didn’t let that stop me, either. I’d walked through that long grass a thousand times, and I knew the itch would fade once I was out of it.
Tommy was sitting on the front porch when I reached it, and he came to his feet when he saw me. “Trix—”
I reached out and squeezed his arm, but didn’t slow as I pushed my way into the house.
The living room was full of people, but I only had eyes for one person. Leo’s back was to me, but I could tell by the set of his shoulders that he was wound up—practically vibrating with tension.
“Bubby?” I called, coming to a stop.
His head turned slowly toward me, and a strangled sound left my mouth as his face came into view.
My vision faltered, his swollen and stitched face replaced by my mom’s for a split second, her cheek puffy and both eyes black.
“Sissy?” his voice slurred and his face changed back. I stumbled forward.
When I reached him, I fell to my knees, staring into his eyes.
How could I have left him alone so long when he needed me? I reached a new level of self-loathing as his nostrils flared and his eyes flashed back and forth over my face.
He reached out shakily and gripped my shoulder, raising his hand to my hair, his callused palms catching in the strands.
“Out!” he garbled, raising his eyes from mine. “Ev’rbody OUT.”
The house went silent.
“Leo,” my mom called softly.
“Out!” he screamed, his hand tightening in my hair painfully.
My pop came in from the kitchen and took in the scene, then started ushering the brothers and their old ladies out of the house.
As soon as we were alone, Leo loosened his grip on my hair and ran his hand down the side of my head.
“Okay?” he asked, his eyes boring into mine.
“I’m okay,” I rasped.
“Tried t’get to ya,” he garbled. “Couldn’t.”
My lips trembled as I nodded.
“Okay?” he asked again.
“I’m okay, I promise.”
He nodded slightly and his eyes closed, tears leaking out of the corners. He flinched as the tears hit the stitches along his face.
“Don’t cry,” I whispered, gripping his knees with my fingers.
“Couldn’t get ya,” he mumbled, taking a shuddering breath.
I climbed onto the couch next to him, sitting on my knees so I could put my arm softly around his shoulders. Without hesitation, he leaned into me, laying the right side of his body against my chest, his head resting on my collarbone.
“M’face,” he choked out.
“It’ll heal,” I whispered into the top of his head, kissing it over and over. “I promise.”
He cried silently, his body jerking slightly until he finally fell asleep against me. I leaned backward slowly, pulling my legs out from underneath me gingerly so I didn’t jostle him. I was finally able to rest against the arm of the couch, my legs on either side of him, as he jerked and shuddered in his sleep.
Twenty minutes later, that was how our parents found us.
“Don’t move him,” I ground out, my arms tightening around his chest.
My pop inhaled sharply as my mom stepped forward.
“We won’t,” Pop said roughly.
He stepped over to the front door and slid the deadbolt home, then moved around the couch, meeting my mom in front of us. He sat at the far end of the couch, pulling my mom down onto his lap sideways facing us, before tenderly pulling my and Leo’s legs onto their thighs.
I met my mom’s watery eyes as she rested her head on my pop’s shoulder and gave me a small smile.
“First fucker that knocks on the door is gettin’ my foot in his ass,” Pop growled softly, leaning his head on the back of the couch.
My mom’s smile grew a little and I felt my lips twitch.
Then I closed my eyes, gripping my baby brother’s t-shirt as my pop’s hand came up to grasp my ankle gently, connecting us.
It was the first time I slept without nightmares.