Chapter 18
Trix
I finished cleaning up after lunch and sat down at my parents’ kitchen table with a sigh. I wanted coffee. Badly.
I was trying not to drink any, but I’d already decided that morning that a little cup wouldn’t hurt anything. I couldn’t have another. The blessed caffeine almost wasn’t worth the guilt I’d felt as I drank it.
Cameron would have been pissed if he’d caught me.
I rubbed my hands over my face and tried not to cry.
Everything was so messed up. We were all so preoccupied with taking care of the living that none of us had been given the chance to mourn yet. My mom was walking around like a zombie, her usually happy face drawn tight, Pop’s eyes had dark circles under them and he was talking even less than usual, which pretty much meant he was completely silent, and Leo was sleeping most of the time and not because he needed the rest.
And I was, well, just trying to keep my shit together and avoiding Cam.
I knew he was hurting, and I knew it was fucked up—but I didn’t want to be around him. It was as if he’d forgotten everything that had happened before our families were attacked. I couldn’t. Every single night, I laid down in bed and ran over and over the fight we’d had that week. The way he’d looked at me in disgust. The way he’d spoken to me.
The way he’d ignored how I’d been falling apart at the seams.
If I’d been afraid then, it was nothing compared to how I felt after I began remembering bits and pieces of the years my mom and I had lived with her first husband. The fights. The crying. The things she’d thought I didn’t hear, but I hadn’t been able to escape from.
I knew my mom thought she’d shielded me from the abuse she’d suffered, but she was wrong. I’d noticed every time she had to move slowly and carefully, the way she’d go quiet when her husband, Tony, was in the house, the way she’d taught me to protect myself.
I remembered it all.
And with those memories came a fear that was so overpowering, it was almost debilitating.
She’d married him. She hadn’t loved him. She’d been pregnant and scared and young, and she’d made what she thought was the best decision at the time.
Later, she’d known it was wrong and we’d escaped, but that didn’t erase the bad choices she’d made.
Not for her, or for me.
I couldn’t let that happen to me.
Someone knocked at the door and I startled. Leo was asleep on the couch and my mom and pop had gone to see Callie in the hospital, so I stood from my chair and made my way to the front of the house.
“Hey, Will,” I said in surprise as I swung open the door.
“Hey, beautiful.” He stepped inside and gave me a kiss on the top of my head before moving around me. “Leo here?”
“Yeah,” I tilted my head toward the couch. “He’s sleeping.”
Will nodded and moved forward, circling the couch before kicking it hard.
Leo jerked awake. “What the hell?” he slurred.
“Wake up, fucker,” Will ordered, smacking Leo’s legs off the couch.
My baby brother’s eyes went wide and then he scrambled into a sitting position. “Will!”
I turned away and left them alone as Will chuckled. They didn’t need me hovering, even though I wanted to.
“Hey, Trix,” Will called to my back as I entered the kitchen. “Might wanna go check on Cam.”
“Okay, thanks,” I called back.
I went out the back door and sat down on the concrete stairs leading into the yard. I wasn’t going to go check on Cam. Hopefully, I wouldn’t even see him for the rest of the day.
My hand went instinctively to my belly and I left it there as I looked out over the large field behind our house.
I was so glad Will had come to visit, though I didn’t know if he should be moving around so much. A part of me wished he had stayed home, though. Leo’s face had become familiar, a problem to be solved, but seeing Will had brought the terror of the attack right back to me.
The screams. The sounds of the guns and bullets hitting bodies and other things around the yard. The way Leo had looked at me, then began to run toward me before he was completely knocked off his feet. The way Gramps had jolted when the bullet hit his thigh, but he stayed upright, firing back like he was at the fucking OK Corral or something.
The way Cam had thrown me toward the wall to keep me safe, and Farrah had wrapped herself around me to keep me still.
I closed my eyes and let tears roll down my face. I missed my aunt and uncle. I missed Gram. I missed Mick and his awkward attempts at conversation.
I was scared that Lily would never be able to see again. I was afraid something would go wrong with Callie.
I was afraid that it wasn’t over and something else would happen.
Someone else would die.
I was terrified to leave my parents’ house, even for the club. It was the first place I’d felt comfortable since I’d found out I was pregnant. Not even Cam could console me anymore.
I no longer trusted him to be my safe place when I fell.
It probably wasn’t fair that I’d expected him to catch me when I was falling. He had his own concerns, his own worries to deal with. I knew that. But I couldn’t help but resent him for pulling away when I’d needed him.
And I guess a small part of me felt like letting him deal with his grief alone was a sick form of justice. I’d needed him and he’d been either too blind or too stubborn to see it, and now when he needed me, I couldn’t find it in me to help him.
I ached with loss, my mind and body weary—but I wouldn’t lean on him. I wouldn’t go to him and tell him that I was scared. I wouldn’t cry to him in my grief.
I’d tried that before. I’d tried to burrow in close to him like he could shield me from my fears, but he’d literally turned his back to me.
He hadn’t left me, but he hadn’t seen me, either.
So I no longer had anything to give him.
It was becoming clearer and clearer to me that I could have the baby, or I could have Cameron. My nightmares were only growing worse, my fears multiplying. I wasn’t strong enough to have both.
“What’re you doin’ out here?” my pop asked, opening the door slightly so he could follow me outside.
“Hey, when did you get home?” I asked, looking at him out of the corner of my eye.
“Just now. Will and Leo are both passed out on my couch,” he grumbled, making me grin.
“It’s like old times,” I said softly, leaning into him as he sat down and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
“You okay, Little Warrior?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Don’t seem okay.”
“I’m getting there. Pop—” my words stuttered for a moment, then came out strong but soft. “Pop, do you think I could have my old room for a while?”
His body stiffened beside me and I swallowed hard.
“Why?” he asked bluntly.
“I don’t want to keep my apartment. I was hoping I could stay here until I—before the—while I’m pregnant.”
“You don’t think Hulk’s gonna have somethin’ to say about that? The fuck is going on, Bellatrix?”
I pulled away from his arm and stood from the steps, walking into the yard a little before turning to face him.
“I’m sure he’ll be pissed, but he’ll get over it,” I told him tonelessly.
“You’re sure,” he scoffed, shaking his head.
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“What fuckin’ planet you livin’ on?”
“We’re not good, okay? We haven’t been good in a while. This’ll be a relief.”
“You’re havin’ his baby, Trix. I’m a man. I’ve been there. Ain’t no way he’s lettin’ you go if he can stop it.”
“He can’t stop it,” I snapped in frustration.
We both went silent for a long moment, staring at each other.
“You want me to step in,” he said softly, looking me over like he was trying to figure me out. “You’re askin’ me to live here so you don’t have to fight him on it. You’ll just leave it to me.”
“No—” I tried to argue as my pop’s jaw clenched in frustration.
“You’re always welcome here, Bellatrix,” he cut me off, getting to his feet. “Love havin’ ya. But this ain’t my fight unless you tell me he did somethin’ to you and I need to take care of it. That the case?”
“No,” I whispered, tucking my thumbs into my palms so I wouldn’t fidget.
“You tell Cam you’re movin’ in here—then you can.” He stepped forward and kissed the top of my head. “Your mother is havin’ a tough time as it is, girl—no way I’m havin’ your man showin’ up and causin’ drama, makin’ things worse for her. Understand?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Sounds like your mom’s makin’ dinner early.” Pop nodded to the window behind us. “You stayin’?”
“Yeah, I’ll stay.”
I watched him pull open the screen and reach for the door handle before he paused.
“I’ll always look out for you, Little Warrior,” he said softly, not turning to look at me. “Always. But don’t do somethin’ you can’t come back from. That boy loves you—no matter what you’re thinkin’ right now, or whatever the fuck is goin’ on. He’s loved you since he was a kid, and that ain’t gonna change.”
“It’s not enough.”
“Sometimes it is.”
He left me outside without another word.
* * *
We were sitting down to dinner that evening after Will had left for home when Pop’s phone started ringing.
“Yeah?” he answered gruffly, his mouth full of food. He paused for a minute, stuffing food into his mouth while he listened to whoever was on the other end of the phone. “Fuckin’ idiot. Sit tight, I’m on my way.”
He stuffed the phone back in his shirt pocket and took another huge bite before rising from the table and leaning over to kiss my mom. She smiled fondly at him when he was finished, and wiped a little bit of sauce from his beard.
“Your pop’s checked himself out of the damn hospital,” he said quietly to her, their noses just inches apart. “Gotta go help Amy.”
Mom sighed. “Goddammit.”
“I’ll take care of it, baby,” he assured her, leaning forward to softly kiss her lips again.
“I know you will.”
“Wait for me in bed.”
“Always do.”
“Naked.”
“We’re sitting right here,” I snapped, my face scrunched up in disgust. I’d been watching them, because my parents were sweet as hell. My pop didn’t show his soft side to anyone but Mom, and she soaked it up like a sponge. But I was seriously close to vomiting after their conversation went from sweet to sexual.
“You’re an adult. You’re livin’ here, you get used to it,” Pop said seriously, tapping the table twice before walking around the edge to kiss the top of Leo’s head, then the top of mine.
He left without another word and I felt my mom’s stare on the side of my face as I tried to finish eating my dinner.
“Bellatrix,” she said warningly. “Explain.”
I lifted my head and met Leo’s eyes, but he made no move to help me. He was wondering what the hell was going on, too.
“I’m going to live here for a bit,” I mumbled, my fork scratching along my plate as I moved my food around. “I asked Pop earlier and he said it was okay.”
“Just like that?”
I thought back to my pop’s words, then nodded. “Just like that.”
“Cam know?” Leo asked in disbelief.
“Not yet.” I shook my head. “I’ll tell him tonight.”
“What’s going on with you, Trix?” my mom asked in frustration. “You love Cam.”
“I’m fine.” I set my fork down forcefully on the table and it bounced onto my plate, making a loud clanging noise. “It’s just not working out.”
“Then you probably shouldn’t have got pregnant,” Leo said derisively, dropping his eyes back to his plate.
My chair screeched across the floor as I stood up quickly and I felt tears build in my eyes as I watched my brother’s once handsome face scowl.
“You think I wanted this?” I hissed. “We were fucking careful.”
“Pun intended,” he mumbled meanly.
“Leo,” Mom snapped.
“You know what? Fuck you, Leo.”
“Trix!” Mom turned her glare to me.
“No. He doesn’t get to be a dick because he’s hurt.”
“The fuck do you know?” Leo yelled, rising to his feet. “Cam hid you on the porch. You were fuckin’ safe and sound. Watched from a distance while the rest of us got shot down like dogs.”
I stumbled back a little, staring at my baby brother in confusion.
“Enough.” Cam’s voice rumbled through the kitchen and my palms grew sweaty. “You talk to her like that again, I’m gonna fuck up the pretty side of your face.”
“Cameron,” Mom warned.
Cam came up behind me, and his hand slid around to rest low on my belly. “You ready, Sweetbea?”
I glanced at Leo, then at my mom, who was still calmly sitting with a fork in her hand.
“Yeah. I’m ready,” I said finally, pushing my chair in carefully.
“You gonna tell—” Leo began, only to be cut off by my mom.
“If you say one more goddamn word, Leo,” she hissed, slamming her hand down on the table.
“Let’s go, Bea,” Cam murmured, leading me out the back door.
“I love you, Bubby,” I called softly, looking back over my shoulder.
“Yeah,” Leo mumbled back, making my entire chest tighten.
That wasn’t my brother. My brother would never have said those things to me. He loved me. Unconditionally. He was always on my side, no matter whether I was wrong or right.
That angry man in there was not my baby brother.
I stumbled as we reached the tall grass between my parents’ house and the clubhouse and glanced down at my bare feet. I hadn’t even remembered to slide my shoes on.
Without a word, Cam lifted me up bridal style and kept moving.
“He’s dealin’ with a lot,” Cam ground out softly as I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked away from him. “Give him some time.”
I nodded. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to discuss how badly Leo had hurt me, how disillusioned I’d become with everyone I’d ever cared about. It seemed like I couldn’t do anything right. My mom had argued with me at dinner, Leo was perpetually pissed, and even my dad hadn’t welcomed me back without conditions.
I stayed silent as we reached the clubhouse, even as Grease’s drawn face popped out of the meeting room and his eyes focused on Cam.
“Hulk, church,” he ordered.
Cam nodded, but carried me all the way into his bedroom before setting me down.
“Don’t go out there barefoot,” he ordered as he let me go. “That floor’s fuckin’ disgustin’.”
He left the room, shutting the door softly behind him and I dropped down onto the bed.
I was exhausted, but I was too afraid to sleep. Sleep meant nightmares, and after my argument with Leo, I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
I took off my t-shirt, bra and shorts without getting up, and snagged one of Cam’s t-shirts off the end of the bed, pulling it over my head. I’d just lay down for a little bit.
Before I knew it, I was fast asleep and stuck in a nightmare.