Chapter 22
Trix
“I love you,” my mom said a few days after my pop had escorted Cam out of the house. “But what you did was so fucking wrong, I don’t even know what to say to you.”
My mouth dropped open in surprise and I glanced over at my nan, who was calmly sipping her tea. We were having a “girl’s lunch” before my first appointment that afternoon with my obstetrician. Mom had gotten the name of Farrah’s doctor and had called for me the day before, making an appointment before she’d even informed me.
It was probably good that she’d taken the initiative, because I was still putting off anything and everything to do with the baby. I hadn’t had a nightmare since I’d moved back into my parents’ house, and I was afraid they’d come back if I thought of anything beyond eating and sleeping.
“Ouch,” I finally murmured in disbelief.
“Truth hurts,” Nan mumbled, looking at me over her mug.
“Seriously? Because I didn’t want to be with Cam, I’m the bad guy?”
“Don’t act like an idiot—you’ve never been stupid,” my mom snapped. “You used your pop. Asked him to do your dirty work, because you knew he would, because you knew he’d do anything for you. You know the trust and respect that those men have to have for each other? Huh? When shit goes down, they have to be able to count on each other, Trix, and you shit all over that. Embarrassed Cam and ruined his relationship with your pop.”
“Whatever.” I pushed myself to my feet.
“Sit back down,” Nan ordered, her tone making me drop right back into my seat.
The table went quiet for a long moment before my mom finally spoke up. “I’m not sure what’s going on with you, Trix. Honest to God, I have no idea what’s going through your head. But if you try to tell me one more time that you don’t want to be with Cam, I won’t be held responsible for my actions.” She looked at me expectantly, but I didn’t say a word.
I missed Cam like crazy. God, that first day when he’d stormed out of the house, I’d felt like I was dying. I’d curled up on the couch with Leo, and even though his disapproval was clear, he’d still pulled me into his side as we watched shitty television. I ached for Cam, but the thought of going back was too scary to fully contemplate. I was safe with my parents.
“What’s really going on, Trix?” Nan asked softly.
“I can’t—” I stuttered to a stop and tried again. “What if—”
“What, Trix?” my mom asked in exasperation. “Spit it out.”
“What if he hurts me?” I said in one breath. “What if I stay and have the baby and then I’m stuck. What if I never get a job, and I have no way to support us? I’d never be able to leave. I’d be a single mother with no job and I—”
“That’s your worry?” Nan asked in confusion. “Has Cam ever hurt you?”
“No!” The word came out louder than I’d intended. “No, but he could. He could, and by then I’d have a baby and I wouldn’t be able to leave. You should’ve seen him when I—” My voice began to grow thick and I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat.
“What complete bullshit,” Nan mumbled, shaking her head.
“You don’t know!” I snapped, jerking to my feet. “You have no idea what—”
“No, but I do,” my mom cut in softly.
I turned and met my mom’s gaze and my heart sank into my stomach at the sorrow there.
“Sit back down, baby,” she said, leaning toward me.
As soon as my ass hit the chair, she sighed and ran her hands over her face.
“I want to apologize to you,” Mom said, her voice wobbling as tears filled her eyes. “First, that I didn’t get away before I did, and second, because I thought you’d forgotten it all, so I haven’t talked to you about it.”
“Don’t cry, Mom,” I pleaded, her tears bringing forth my own. “You did the best you could. You didn’t know—”
“I did,” she cut me off, squeezing her eyes tightly closed as she shook her head. “I had that gut feeling, you know? I had it from the first. But I was so fucking stubborn back then, Trix. So sure that I was doing the right thing.”
“I think we were all like that when we were young,” Nan told my mom kindly, reaching out to pat her hand.
Mom scoffed, and wiped at her face. “I knew something wasn’t right, but it wasn’t until after we were married that I saw Tony clearly. But Trix, I knew something wasn’t right, baby. Okay? I knew it. Deep in my gut, I knew I was making the wrong decision, and I made it anyway.”
“You said it yourself,” I replied hoarsely. “You didn’t see things clearly until after you were married.”
Mom sighed. “This is coming out all wrong.”
“Oh, I don’t know. Sounds right to me,” Nan put in dryly.
“I didn’t love Tony. I was scared and pregnant and he offered me a way out. I knew it was weird that he was okay with marrying me, even knowing that I didn’t love him and I was already pregnant with another man’s children, but I let the idea of him speak louder than my common sense.”
“I didn’t remember him before,” I said when my mom paused. “But I remember it now.”
“I’m so sorry, Trix,” Mom rasped. “I knew I should get away from him, but I thought if I could just wait a little longer for you to go to school it—you know what? It doesn’t matter. My reasons were ridiculous, and I’ve hated myself for them for years.”
“I can’t take the chance of that,” I whispered, looking down at the table in front of me.
“What if Cam died tomorrow? What if the club got raided?” Nan paused to knock on the wood kitchen table. “What if you fell out of love with Cam? What if you weren’t actually pregnant? What if the goddamn sky was falling? You can’t live your life on what-ifs, Trix.”
“I can’t live my life regretting my decisions, either,” I snapped back.
Nan scoffed. “You think you won’t regret this decision? You love him. You’ve loved Cam since you were five years old!” Her voice dropped and went hoarse. “I used to lie in bed at night when Nix was a kid, wishing like hell that Patrick was lying next to me. I wanted to tell him about the trouble Nix had gotten himself into—to listen to Patrick’s voice telling me that we’d figure it out. Every time something great happened, from a successful season of Little League to the day Nix lost his first tooth, I’d mourn the fact that I couldn’t tell Patrick.”
I closed my eyes at the pain in her voice. I wanted that, too. I wanted to be able to roll over and tell Cam that it was his turn to wake up with the baby, or that our little one had done something fantastic that day. But what if he didn’t care? What if, for some reason, he started to hate me? What then?
“I can’t,” I said as I opened my eyes. “I haven’t had nightmares since I came home. I’m getting better.”
Nan scoffed as my mom looked at me sadly.
“Just because your body was so worn down that you’ve slept without nightmares for a couple nights, doesn’t mean they’re gone,” Nan said flatly, meeting my eyes. “I still have nightmares from something that happened when I was younger than you. Those don’t just go away, Trix.”
“I just want to feel like myself again,” I yelled, jumping up from the table. “I feel normal when I’m here!”
“Oh, baloney,” my mom argued, rising to her feet so we were face to face again. “You’re not yourself! You can’t be—not after all that’s happened. Hell, Trix. I don’t know that any of us will ever be the same. Add your hormones to that, and right now you’re teetering on the ledge of a very high cliff.”
“But what if—”
“No,” Mom snapped, cutting me off. “No more ‘what-ifs.’ Do you love Cam?”
I closed my eyes and braced my hands on the table in front of me. I did. I loved him more than anything in the world. I was just so scared.
“Yes,” I finally rasped.
“He’s a good man, Bellatrix.” Mom’s voice was low and serious. “I know that you’re afraid. I even understand it, baby. But you’re throwing away something good—really good. And for what? Fear? I didn’t raise you to be a coward.”
I lifted my hands and buried my face in my palms as the first sob was torn from my throat, and once I’d started crying, I couldn’t stop. I curled forward as I sucked in a desperate breath of air, and my body sagged as my mom’s thin arms wrapped around my frame.
“I don’t know what to do,” I cried. “I messed up so bad, Mama.”
“It’ll be okay, baby. Shhh,” she soothed.
“What if he doesn’t forgive me? I’m so scared. What if everything’s different now? What if he turns into a monster?”
“If any of that was going to happen, you wouldn’t have already loved him for so long,” Nan said, standing up to swipe a hand down the back of my hair. “But right now, you need to get it together, because we were supposed to leave for your doctor’s appointment ten minutes ago.”
“Shit!” Mom yelped, pulling away from me and hastily wiping her face with her hands.
* * *
“Shall we take a look?” the ultrasound tech asked, lubing up a huge dildo-looking thing.
My eyes widened and my mom giggled behind my head.
“This isn’t funny,” I growled, glancing over to where Nan was sitting in a chair.
“Oh, yeah it is,” Nan mumbled.
After a few very uncomfortable minutes, suddenly the coolest sound poured into the room.
“Is that the heartbeat?” I asked in wonder. It sounded different than I’d thought it would.
“Hold on one second,” the tech replied, a look of concentration on her face. She laughed a little under her breath, and then the recognizable sound of a heartbeat reached my ears. “There you go.”
Then she moved the wand, making me extremely uncomfortable. “And there you go again.”
It took me about thirty seconds for her words to penetrate.
“What?” I snapped, trying to look closer at the little screen near the foot of the bed.
“There’s Baby A,” she used the mouse on her computer to point at one little flashing blob. “And there’s Baby B.” She moved just a fraction and pointed out a second blob.
“Holy shit,” I murmured, staring at the screen. “Two.”
“Twins,” my mom said, squeezing my shoulders as Nan stood up from her chair and crossed the room to get a better look.
“Two for the price of one,” Nan murmured, leaning forward over my chest so she could look at the computer screen. “Well, you’ve never done shit halfway.”
I laughed a little, my eyes glued to the screen. I couldn’t believe there were two of them in there. Cam was going to shit.
My eyes clouded with tears.
He should have been there.
“I wish Cam was here,” I whispered, making my mom squeeze my shoulders again.
The rest of the appointment passed in a blur, and before I knew it, I was in the back seat of my mom’s SUV and pulling inside the clubhouse gates. We’d stopped by the pharmacy to get some prenatal vitamins and my prescription for medicine to help me sleep. I hadn’t wanted to say anything to the doctor, but my mom had spoken up when he’d asked me if I had any other concerns. The doctor said the sleep medicine was pretty mild and wouldn’t hurt the babies, but I was skeptical.
I wasn’t putting anything in my body that I didn’t have to. If I started having trouble again, I’d think about the medicine, but until then, I wasn’t taking anything.
The doctor had also said that she’d get me a referral to a psychologist she’d worked in tandem with before. I wasn’t sure if that was the route to go, but I was grateful that I had options.
Nan had mentioned maybe going with her to yoga—she said that helped her when the memories got really bad. I wasn’t sure how that could possibly help, but I was willing to try. If nothing else, maybe it would wear me out enough to sleep.
We pulled up to the house and climbed out of the car just as Leo was coming down the steps. His face was already looking so much better than it had a week before.
“Hey, Bubby. Where you going?” I asked, moving toward him.
“Club.” He lifted his chin toward the clubhouse. “Big party tonight.”
“Really?” I asked skeptically, glancing sideways at the big gray building. “For what?”
“Think they’re letting Callie out tomorrow, so the boys are celebrating.”
“Oh.” I wondered if Cam would be there, then shook my head. He would be, of course he would be. “Do you want to see the ultrasound picture first?” I asked, digging into my purse.
“Sure.”
I passed the photos to Leo and watched as he shuffled through them, his face blank. I knew that he couldn’t tell what the hell he was looking at and I forced myself not to chuckle as he finally reached the last picture and his eyes got huge.
“Holy shit!” he blurted, looking up at me and then back down at the photo that was labeled with little arrows pointing to both babies.
“I know, right?” I laughed, my voice a little hoarse. “There’s two in there.”
“Holy shit, sissy.” He lifted his eyes again and looked at me seriously. “But everything’s good, right?”
“Yep. Everything’s fine.”
“Congratulations.” Leo’s face pulled up in a crooked smile, and even though my heart hurt to see it, I smiled back. His face wasn’t completely paralyzed on the left side, but there was definitely some nerve damage, and the doctors didn’t think it would ever get better. His smile would always be slightly uneven.
“Thanks, Bubby,” I said as he pulled me into a hug. “Don’t say anything yet, okay? I need to tell Cam first.”
“All right. I won’t.”
He squeezed me tight before pulling away and heading toward the clubhouse.
“You’re going to get huge, fast,” my mom called from the front porch where she was waiting for me. “We should probably go shopping soon.”
I laughed happily and glanced down at the pictures in my hand. I was having two babies. Holy shit.
* * *
“You going over there?” my mom asked quietly as we sat in lawn chairs in her backyard. The clubhouse was loud with music and laughter and I couldn’t help but glance that way every few minutes.
“I told him I wanted an abortion,” I replied softly, keeping my eyes on the gray building as I rested a hand on my belly, rubbing my thumb back and forth across my thin t-shirt. “When I found out I was pregnant, I freaked out and I told Cam I wanted an abortion.”
“Oh, Trix,” my mom sighed.
“I don’t think I meant it,” I continued, leaning my head back against my chair. “I was just so freaked out. Cam and I had just gotten together and I was graduating, but I didn’t have job yet—I was terrified.”
“I’m sorry, honey.”
“I just—I needed him to reassure me, but then when he did, it only made me angry. So I lashed out. I was so overwhelmed.”
“Is that when you started having problems?” Mom asked softly.
“Yeah. I told him that I wouldn’t do it, and he was so relieved.” My voice hitched as I thought about that day. “But he was still so angry with me. It was like he couldn’t see how badly it was tearing me apart.”
“Baby girl, I’m going to tell you something that I wish a woman had told me when I was young.” Mom reached out and grabbed my hand, lacing her fingers through mine. “When it comes to men—the right men—they are just as ferocious in the protection of their children as women. We always hear about mama bears, and the way a mother would fight for her kids—but we rarely hear the same for fathers. When it comes to you kids, there is nothing your father wouldn’t do to protect you—and that’s a blessing. I wouldn’t love him the way I do if that wasn’t the case.”
“Yeah,” I sighed.
“But there’s a catch with that,” she said softly, rubbing her fingers over mine. “What if the person threatening his child is its mother? What then?”
“I just needed—”
“I know what you needed, Bellatrix,” Mom cut me off. “But you need to see it from his point of view. You were threatening to have an abortion. You’re lucky he ever spoke to you again.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I spat, my neck heating. “It’s my decision—”
“Bellatrix Colleen, what would you have done if you went to Cam telling him you were pregnant, and he told you he wanted you to get an abortion?”
My mouth snapped shut as my stomach rolled.
What would I have done? I imagined telling Cam and him not wanting the baby. I thought of the moment I told him I wanted to get rid of it and imagined if he would have agreed with me.
Vomit shot up the back of my throat and I swallowed convulsively, trying to keep it down.
I would have hated him. I would have walked away and never looked back.
“Cam’s lost everything before, Trix,” my mom said quietly.
“What?” The word came out as a croak.
“He lost his entire family when you two were kids, every single person. Casper and Farrah did a good job with him, they love him like their own and he loves them, too—but these babies are the only blood tie that Cam has, the family that he’s always wanted… and you threatened to take that from him.”
Her words hit me like a sledgehammer.
“Oh, God,” I whimpered, leaning forward to brace my elbows on my knees. “Oh, God. I was so scared, Mom. I knew that he’d never let me do it—that’s why I said it. I knew that he’d talk me out of it.” I turned my head to look at my mom’s shadowed face. “What if he never forgives me?”
“He will,” she replied softly.
“I’ve been so horrible to him.” My eyes watered and tears fell down my face into the short grass. “I felt so guilty, for so many things. I hated the way he’d looked at me, so I focused on that. I focused on how hurt I was that he’d been angry with me.”
“Your hormones are seriously messed up right now, Trix.”
“That doesn’t excuse it,” I sobbed, pulling my hand from hers so I could cover my face. “God, I didn’t want to be stuck with him. I wanted to be with him more than anything else, but I didn’t want to be trapped there.”
“You’re not making a whole lot of sense, baby.”
“I know!” I spat hysterically, surging to my feet as I pushed my hair away from my face. “Why am I so messed up? The nightmares just keep coming, and during the day, I’m afraid of my own fucking shadow! I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of all of it.”
“So fix it,” my mom said, climbing to her feet.
“I don’t know how!”
“You could start with Cameron. Once that’s taken care of, we’ll do yoga or get you an appointment with that shrink.”
“But what if—”
“Don’t start with the what-ifs again, Trix.”
I nodded, looking toward the clubhouse again. She was right. I couldn’t deal in what-ifs anymore. I had two babies that needed me to get my shit together.
* * *
I didn’t dress up to go to the party, but I did fix my hair and put on some makeup. It felt foreign on my face, thick and annoying, but I knew if I didn’t try and cover up the evidence of my tears, people would ask questions. I hoped that they would mostly ignore me when I got there, but I wasn’t counting on it.
I’d barely spoken to anyone since the attack, so they’d kept their distance, but if I walked into a party, they’d automatically assume I was there to visit.
I walked quickly through the tall grass, clutching my envelope of ultrasound photographs in my hand. I couldn’t wait to show Cam our babies, even though my stomach was in one giant knot about the looming confrontation.
Would he ignore me? What if—no. No what-ifs. I needed to see him. He deserved that after the way I’d behaved. He deserved me going to him.
I waved at the brothers and their old ladies sitting at the picnic tables outside, and averted my eyes quickly from someone nailing a woman against the wall near the garage bays. I didn’t need to see that shit, especially if it was one of the men I’d viewed as an indulgent uncle growing up.
I caught my pop’s eyes as I entered the rowdy clubhouse, and his eyebrows rose in surprise. I shook my head at him, then glanced around the room, searching for Cam. I quickly found him, a pool stick in hand as he laughed with one of the younger guys. I think his name was Mack, though I’d never really talked to him.
I moved steadily through the room, giving small smiles to people who said hello. I didn’t want to stop and take the chance of Cam seeing me and leaving.
When I finally got to the pool tables, I froze, waiting for Cam to notice me.
“Trix,” he said roughly as he met my eyes. He looked away before I could reply, and leaned over the table to take his shot, as if I wasn’t standing just two feet away.
“Can we talk?” My voice trembled and I wanted to curse.
“No,” he replied emotionlessly as his pool stick hit the cue ball and knocked a striped ball into the pocket.
“Please,” I said over the noise as he moved around the table, lining up his next shot. “I went to the—”
“Got nothin’ to say to you,” Cam interrupted, standing up straight. “Go home.”
“No.” People began to stare as I held my ground, and my face burned in mortification.
“You have that abortion yet?” Cam’s statement whipped through the room, and my hand went straight to my belly in horror at his callous words.
Everyone knew now. Everyone knew why he hated me. I clenched my jaw against the pain saturating my chest. He hated me.
“Of course not,” I ground out, tears blurring my eyes.
“Well, you still got time.”
I inhaled sharply as my resolve started to waver. He was hurting me on purpose. Lashing out in the only way he could. He couldn’t hit me like he would have anyone else—he’d never physically hurt me, but he could use his words—and he was. He was breaking me on purpose, and it was worse than any blow he could have delivered.
“I just want to talk,” I pleaded, searching his face for anything that would tell me to keep trying. I just needed a small indication—anything that would prove that I wasn’t making a fool out of myself for nothing.
“Think my prez might have somethin’ to say about that,” Cam said with a harsh laugh. “I’m stayin’ away like you wanted. Now get the fuck away from me.”
I nodded, closing my eyes for a second as I tried to settle my shaking hands. “Okay,” I whispered. “Okay.”
I uncurled my fist from the envelope I was gripping, and took my time smoothing out the wrinkles in the paper. Then I set the entire envelope on the edge of the pool table.
“I thought you might want to see these.” My voice wobbled and I swallowed hard, still looking at the white envelope. “I went to the doctor today and they, uh, they did an ultrasound and sent home some pictures.”
I looked up and met his eyes as he gave me a short nod.
“I’m so sorry, Cam,” I whispered, my voice barely audible. “I love you.”
He didn’t respond.
There was nothing left to say, nothing that he wanted to hear from me.
The clubhouse was oddly silent as I turned away, but I didn’t meet anyone’s eyes as I walked steadily back toward the front door. Every single part of me wanted to drop to my knees in agony, but I didn’t. I wouldn’t make things harder for him, I wouldn’t cause more drama than I already had.
I reached the cool night air with an overwhelming sense of relief. I’d made it outside without breaking. I’d tried to speak to Cameron, and my “what if” had come to pass, but I was still standing. I was still breathing, even if those breaths were desperate and agonizing.
“Little Warrior,” my pop murmured from the darkness beside the door, giving me permission to lose it.
“Papa,” I whimpered, my legs suddenly turning to rubber. The sob that tore out of my throat was so ragged that it physically hurt.
Just before I went down, my pop was there, scooping me into his arms and striding toward our house.
“You did good, baby girl,” he whispered against my head as ragged cries poured out of my throat. “I know it hurts, Little Warrior, but you did real good.”