CHASTITY

After a fitful night of near zero sleep, I came out to turn the key in the ignition of the Corolla. But any luck I had left offically ran out this morning, because the ole girl clicked and that was it.  Swallowing my pride, I found the same clerk in the office and asked if there was anyone that could jump my car battery.  Without looking up from his dog-eared issue of Barely Legal, he pointed to a corkboard on which there was a local bus schedule posted.

Great.  Thanks for the help.

The bus stop is only two blocks down from the motel, which I guess you could say was a stroke of luck, but it sure doesn’t feel like it.  I got to the new store in time, but the day has had its own ups and downs. 

Like I said, I like the job itself.   But it’s not my dream.  I do it for the paycheck, and the bigger paycheck of an assistant manager is sorely needed right now.  But I’m also sad because I can feel my dream of being a dog trainer or having my own shelter slipping further and further away.  Animals have always made more sense to me than people, but growing that kind of business takes time and savings, neither of which I will have for a very long time.  Probably never.

Eddie was already here when I arrived at nine and before long, we’d settled into the list of things on which he wants me trained.  I’ve done most of the assistant manager duties from time to time back at the other shop, but Eddie insists on going over every minute detail and rubbing up on me every chance he gets.  Just when I’m about to run for the hills, he steps away, letting me fill my lungs with a cleansing breath.  We’ve been working for a few hours but it feels like a week already.  I’m so tense around him.

“Finish up the schedule for next week, then come and show it to me.  I’ll be in the office.”  He licks his lips and leans close enough I can smell the cigarette he’d just smoked outside, as strong as if he still had it in his mouth.

His lips are cracked and I have to fight back the urge to gag.  Another lip lick and then he’s gone.

I let out an audible breath.  It’s just us here at the moment.  The store doesn’t officially open for another few days and the thought of being here, alone, with Eddie... it’s raising the hairs on my arms.

When I’ve got the employee schedule set, I grudgingly trudge back toward the office.  It’s near the back employee entrance and I can smell tobacco as I approach.  Eddie’s outside again, smoking another cigarette.  Figures.  We’ve left the door propped open a few inches with a brick because the safety keeps locking us in. He called the door guys, because it should be locked from the outside, but instead it seems to be locking from the inside.  So, for not, it’s the brick and the scent of his cigarette breaks.

I sit down in the seat in front of the desk and stare at the second hand on the wall clock until Eddie steps in a minute later, knocking the office door closed behind him.  There is no one else here, so I’m not sure why we would need a closed door but my heart immediately sets to racing.

The inside of my lip is raw where I’ve been biting into it all morning.  When he steps by me, brushing my knee as he goes, I try to sound confident.  “Here, I think I’ve got it all covered.  Even added a couple extra staff for the day before and day after we open, just in case.”  I hand him the iPad, showing him the electronic scheduling program all filled out.

Instead of taking a seat behind the desk, he steps to the front and half sits on the edge front of me, crossing his arms and spreading his legs farther apart than would seem comfortable.

He smacks his lips and gives me a grin that only crowds my breath in my throat.  When he stares at me without another word, I set the iPad down on the edge of the desk, next to where he’s leaning, and cross my ankles, pulling my knees tight.

“So...”  I just want him to start talking and move us along to whatever is next.

“So.  I saved your ass the other day, didn’t I?”  He nods down at me.

The cut of his words and the way his nostrils flare does nothing to settle my nerves. Being in such a closed space with him isn’t my idea of a good time.

“Sorry?”  I squeak, the confidence I’d mustered a second ago evaporates.

“With Julie.  Covering for you.  You could be more gracious you know.”  He brings one hand to his mouth and circles his lips with two fingers.

“Thank you.  I was in a bad situation; I didn’t think it through.  I appreciate you not telling her.”  I want to say fuck off and die because I’d already thanked him like a hundred times that day, but I keep it to myself.

“I’d think you would show me how grateful you were.”

I don’t want to know, but I know what he’s saying.  Everything slows down.  My body feels like stone, frozen in place.  I can’t move.  Then his hands go to his belt buckle and the bile in my throat is threatening to spill all over him.

“Uh...”  I still can’t believe this is real.  This doesn’t really happen, does it?

“You have a choice, honey.  Keep your job, or I’ll get those pictures I took while you were sleeping over to Julie.  I’ll admit that I tried to help you, that I didn’t want you to get in trouble, but I just couldn’t in good conscience let it go.  Not when I found you here in the office on the computer downloading some highly inappropriate material.  Naughty girl.”  He smiles, and my stomach turns on itself.

I hear the click of the metal buckle, the rasp of the zipper.

“You’ve sucked a cock before, right?  Of course you have, sweet face like yours.”  His lips fall open and I see his tongue dance around in his wet mouth.

My power of speech leaves me and I desperately try to force the words to come out but they are stuck in my closing throat. 

“No?  Well, well, this will be fun for both of us.  I’ll show you what to do, teach you how this works, because this is your new job security.  When you’re done, maybe I’ll buy you lunch.” 

Eddie wipes his tongue over his teeth with a sucking sound.   I can’t feel my hands but I see they’re shaking, clutched in my lap.  Sweat breaks on my forehead and under my arms. I can’t understand why I can’t move.

The image of my mother’s face comes to me.  My father coming home drunk and needy.  How she fought him off more times than a little girl should remember.

Then, for some crazy reason, I think of Magnus. 

Eddie’s words smash around inside my head. 

You’ve sucked a cock before.

No, I’ve never done anything like this before.  I’ve never been touched by a man before.  The only person that ever made me think I wanted to was Magnus, and in that second as I think of him and my mom, I shoot out of the chair, my back ram-rod straight.  Not away from Eddie but toward him, the heels of both my palms smashing him in the center of his chest with all my might.

It’s exactly the opposite of anything he’d been expecting, and it catches him off guard.  He’s stunned, off balance, his hands still down at the front of his pants. He struggles to right himself but the force of my unexpected assault topples him flat back onto the desk.

“Fucking bitch.”  He spits as his arms flail around to re-gain his balance, spilling his coffee mug and the iPad onto the floor.

“You’re a jerk!”  I scream, stomping my foot as hard as I can on top of his black loafer.  “Suck your own stupid self!”

Even as the words come out, I realize I’m bad at this.  I can’t even insult someone properly. 

I throw myself at the door of the office tugging it open and break into a half run down the short hallway toward the back door, my eyes burning as the first angry, desperate tear burns its way down my cheek.  I hate feeling so alone.  Being an adult sucks more and more as time goes on. 

Outside the back door a cold gust catches me.  My skirt flies up, my hair tangles in my face spinning it into my gaping mouth.  I scratch at it, trying open it in front of my eyes.  I need to see where to go, and then it dawns on me I have nowhere to go.

Nowhere to go. 

I start to laugh and cry at the same time, my body shaking with cold and fear and desperation.  This is my life; this is all I have left.  Eddie knows he can screw me any way he wants and there isn’t a thing I can do about it.

I can’t even get a bus back to the roach motel.  My purse is still inside and I have no money on me.  Not that there is much more in my purse anyway.  Seven dollars and sixteen cents, and that’s only if you count the penny I found outside the motel this morning.

“Somebody help me.”  I choke out the words as I stand in the back parking lot, spitting my hair out of my mouth while my brain spins inside my head.  “I have no job, nowhere to live, no car, no family.  Nothing.”  I scream toward the sky no longer caring if anyone is watching or listening. 

I’m still pinching the hair out of my eyes and off my wet cheeks when I hear the hum of a car engine moving closer.  I’m standing, looking stupid in the middle of the parking lot. Whoever it is can go around me and leave me to my misery.

When I finally get my hair under control, the car engine is right behind me, it’s more a rumble than a hum now and I’m ready to spit nails and tell whomever happened across my path they picked the wrong gosh darn day to mess with me.  I’ve got nothing to lose.

I’ve got nothing.

I flip my head around to see a black, vintage Charger, no more than a foot from me. The engine is vibrating the asphalt under my feet and I the heat is billowing from the chrome grill. 

“You’ve got the whole parking lot!”  I wave my hands around in an arc like a mad woman.  “Go around me!”  I yell and stomp, indicating all the empty space as I square my shoulders, my hands turning to fists at my sides.  I know I look ridiculous, my righteous fury offset by my pink sweater and ruffled skirt not to mention the lime green ribbon that, until a minute ago, was tied neatly on top of my hair.

Any second I expect to hear Eddie’s voice as he comes out of the back door to taunt me. I know that somehow I have to get back in there to retrieve my purse if I want to ever leave this parking lot.

My madness turns inward and I spin away from the automobile, my right shoulder tightening up to meet my ear, my throat closing. The silent tears that stained my cheeks take a turn.

Biting my tongue, I do what I can to hold back the sobs that start somewhere in my toes and wrack my body until I can no longer fight them.  The sounds that burst out of me here in the open air sound like every painful moment in my life balled into a fist and punched into my gut, the sound of it all coming out of me like a trapped animal.

I’m at the mercy of the clutching sobs and my vision is so blurred I put my hands out in front of me as I walk back toward the rear entrance of the store.  Somehow I have to get my purse; I have to be strong enough to at least walk back in there.

If I have to fight him off again, so be it.