Brinna

MY FINGERS ARE SOAKED.

Snot and tears and I don’t care.

“I’m so sorry.”  Michaela’s voice sounds far away and echoey like it’s coming from another dimension.

Somewhere I wish I was instead of right here, right now.

“If I knew how you felt before, I would have told you before.  I had no idea. I mean, he’s sorta like your dad.  It’s not right.”

She’s trying to be supportive, but even in my devastation, my first instinct is to defend him.

To defend us.  What we had.

Even if it was for less than twenty-four hours.

It was the best twenty-four hours of my life.

And now it’s over.

“It’s okay,” I grind out through choked back sobs.

“No, it’s not.  I saw them the first day I moved in.  So, it’s been four weeks I’ve been here?” 

I spread my fingers just enough to see her rest her arms on her knees and lower her head, then look back at me with pity in her eyes.

“Maybe I should just talk to him.  Maybe it’s not...” 

Michaela shakes her head, disapproval clear in her eyes, and humiliation covers me.  Such a dumb girl.  I waited for the man of my dreams, only to end up here with his cum still coating my panties and the knowledge that I am what I had feared.

Nothing special. 

When I got into the car with Michaela, I was already bursting to tell someone about what had happened. The joy I was keeping inside.  I grinned and started to talk, but soon fell silent.

I could tell from the look on her face something was wrong.  She had seen the kiss, and she was struggling to find the best way to tell me what was on her mind.

When I couldn’t stop crying, she said we’d ditch going to the park.  Instead, she drove me back here, to her new place, and told me more about the woman she’s seen with Ace a couple times a week here by her new apartment. 

She just assumed I knew because they were clearly a couple, smiling and laughing, him opening doors for her, meeting for coffee first before disappearing off together, no doubt to somewhere more private.  When I pushed her, Michaela couldn’t specifically confirm that she’d seen them kiss or anything, but she said she didn’t pay that much attention. 

They just seemed loved up.  That word hit me like a runaway train in an old silent movie.  Cut to black.  Love.  Something I would never have. 

“He’s never seen me watching them, I guess,” Michaela says, trying to explain why he wouldn’t be more discreet.  “I can see everything from this window, all the comings and goings, and I’m so high up that nobody ever notices.  She’s got a kid she sometimes brings, too.”  She adds, and my stomach turns over on itself. 

I look up at her, and there must be horror on my face because she quickly tries to backpedal.

“I’m not saying it’s his kid, of course.  I have no idea.  But he does seem friendly with the little boy.  Picks him up and whatever.  I don’t know, I don’t know kids.  I’m just saying...”  The frustration in her voice isn’t about the kid.  I know she’s trying to be a friend and give me the information she thinks I need without tearing my heart out.

Too late.

When she started to tell me, I didn’t want to know.  I was in denial, trying to pick up the pieces of my heart without breaking them anymore.  Like an accident on the side of the road, I couldn’t look away.  I just kept asking questions, and reluctantly she answered.

“What do I do?”  I flop back on her worn sofa and press the heels of my palms into my burning eye sockets.  I feel like I’m going to vomit.

“Well, you can stay here of course, but...”

“But what?  Don’t look at me like that, just tell me.  If there’s more, I need to know.”

“It’s not really my place to say, Bri.”

“Michaela, please.  I’m not going to break any more than I have already.”

She nods.  “Okay, it’s just, he’s your guardian, Brinna.  He’s supposed to take care of you, to look after you.  Loco parentis and all that.  Only, what he’s done is seriously fucked up.  To seduce you like that—” I try to interrupt, to tell her that it was consensual, that he didn’t seduce me but I just gave myself to him, but she shoots me a look, and I fall silent.  She’s heard it already, and it didn’t convince her then.  “He did, Bri.  You didn’t recognize it because you’re so infatuated, he has a position of power over you, but from what you told me he knew exactly what he was doing.  He seduced you, all I’m saying is he’s been pretty consistent with this blonde, and you did say you sort of...you pushed yourself.  He’s a man. A man of opportunity like they all are.  It’s wrong, Brinna.”

“Even if that’s true, what can I do about it?”

“Go to the police.”

“And say what?  We’re both adults, and we’re not related by blood.  The police will laugh in my face. I’m not a minor anymore.”

She thinks for a moment, then draws in a breath.  “Truth is, he’s always given me a weird vibe, I told you that. A man like him, you know I have more experience with men, and you’ve seen how it’s turned out for me.  Cheaters.  Liars.  Users.  And yes, I’ve taken a couple hits as well.  More than a couple.  You’ve been sheltered by him Brinna.  I know.  I know what it’s like out here in the real world with guys.  You don’t.”

“Ace wouldn’t hurt me.”

“Wouldn’t he?  How much do you really know about him?  About his time before he met you?  His military time, sure, but he also left.  You’ve tried to ask him about the injuries, but he never answers, not properly.  Just hints and insinuations.  You don’t know the cause.  Brinna, you don’t know him at all, not really.  When you confront him with this, you don’t know what he’ll do, how his temper might flare.  He became your guardian when you were sixteen.  Sixteen, Brinna.  He won’t know what you might do, what you might say to people.  Okay, so he didn’t act on his feelings until now, but he doesn’t know that’s what you’ll tell people.  You could go around saying he’d been screwing you since you met, and if that’s something he’s sensitive about, he might lose it.  Maybe he did once before, and that’s really why he had to leave the army.”

“No, he’s not like that, Michaela.  You know him, he’s not.”  The tears are flowing again, but I need to defend Ace. He’s looked after me for so long, and I’ve loved him for so much of that time.

“Maybe you’re right.  I thought I knew him, I really did.  I thought he was just your guardian.  I get it, you’ve been crushing on him for so long, and that’s fine, but he was supposed to just see you as like a daughter.  And maybe it would be fine that other feelings developed since you’re not really blood-related and all, if only he weren’t already involved with someone else. But the way this looks...I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you, but I just don’t know what to believe anymore and I’m scared of what might happen.  Men can be dangerous. He could be a sociopath for all you know.”

I want to tell her she’s wrong, that this isn’t what Ace is like, but a part of me is starting to wonder.  What if she’s right?  What if getting me into bed has been what he wanted for a while, and I was just too dumb to see it?  What if I’m still too dumb?  I might go back there and say the wrong thing and end up a statistic.

“What do I do?  I feel like I can’t trust myself.  Am I so stupid?”

“Well, is there anywhere else you can go?  Somewhere he can’t find you, where you can think this through and make sure you’re safe?  Like I said, you can stay here, but he’ll know where to look.  And if he gets to you, he can manipulate you.  You’re not in the right head space right now.  An explanation here, a lie there and he could wheedle his way back in.”

“I don’t have anywhere to go.  This is my home.  I’m trapped.”

“A motel then.  You just need to disappear for a while, pretend it didn’t happen until you’re thinking straight.  Then you can confront him, and don’t forget that house was given to him in trust.  Emily’s money was there for him to look after you.  A judge might see it as legally yours.  Until then, I can lend you the money.”

Suddenly, I feel my spine straighten just a little.  She’s right.  I need to just go.  Anywhere but here.  As for the money, I get an allowance every week from Ace and barely spend any of it.  I’ve got about seven thousand dollars in my savings account.  Not much, but enough to get me by until I can figure something out.  The paperwork is back at the house in the desk.  I just need to get a copy of the signed documents and the account information. 

I know how to disappear.  No one else that’s still alive knows this, but my Gran left her abusive husband when she was a young mother to my mom.  She’d disappeared into the world, changed her name and started over.  I know it is harder to do now, with the internet and electronic information everywhere, but I remember listening to her stories about how she managed to become someone completely new, and I can do the same. 

I’ve always lived this small, sheltered life, so maybe this is the universe kicking me in the rear end and pushing me out into the world to find my destiny.  Gran always said chaos and trauma are sometimes the jumping off point for people to catapult themselves into great things.  Maybe this is my moment, I can take this pain and turn it into something else.

Even if my heart is telling me otherwise.

“No.”  I shake my head.  “Thank you, but I’ve got enough to get me by for a bit.  Just let’s go.  I just need to go.  First the cell phone place on Midfield Ave, then drop me at the house.  From there, I’ll call for Uber or whatever.  I don’t want you to know where I’ve gone.”  Grandmother’s stories are all swimming around in my head; things she said about leaving everything behind, tying up loose ends and not making a trail.  “He might come ask you, and I don’t want to put you in the middle.”  For the first time, I wish I had pushed myself to learn to drive.  Ace offered several times for me to go to driver’s ed, but ever since Gran and Emily were killed by that drunk driver I’ve been terrified to drive.

Besides, there was something about having Ace take me wherever I wanted to go that felt so right. So safe.

“Cell phone?”  Michaela is up and following me to the door.

“Yep. I’m going old school, throw away phone from here on out.  I’ll keep you in the loop after I get somewhere.  But I want to not have any ties.  Anything that can be tracked.”

“Alright sister, I’ve got your back if this is what you want.  I’m all for adventure.  I always thought there was something with him.  The way he never talked, always kept you under his thumb.  Total power-trip-control-freak.  Just took advantage of you—”

“Let’s go.”  I break her supportive tirade, unable to fathom the truth that might be there. I know when friends feel like you’ve been wronged by a guy, the first instinct is to trash him.

I’ve taken care of him for all these years.  Willingly, I admit; cooking and cleaning.  Laundry.  Everything.  I was so useful, but in my heart, I thought he appreciated it and never felt he expected it from me.  I loved folding his clothes and remember all the stolen looks he would give me which made my heart flutter.  Then there was the additional money.  I never considered it before. 

Emily left an additional monthly payment to Ace for each month I was in his care.  I mean, he’s never struck me as motivated by money and the entire inheritance was substantial I am sure.  There is a financial gain for him to keep me around as well.  I hate that all the pieces in the puzzle are just now coming together. 

I was free labor and another boost to his bottom line.  Then, add in whatever happened last night which gave him another perk of having me around.  Why he never acted on it before is the mystery.  A moment of weakness.  A kink he just needed to itch?  Who knows, all I know is the arrows pointing me out the door and finally to a life outside of Ace Cooper are flashing, and I’m going to follow them this time.

I look down at my phone and see the time and figure I’ve got four hours before Ace is back at the house.  His usual Friday meeting has him arriving back home like clockwork around four-thirty, so I hope to be long on the road before he even knows I’m gone.  I grab my bag and am out the door with Michaela behind me, feeling the shards of my heart stabbing into my chest.

On the drive to the house, we are quiet. Michaela asks me a few times if I’m sure this is what I want to do and I force confidence into my affirmative answers, all the while feeling like half of me has already died and I honestly don’t care where I end up right now.

I just want to be away.  I don’t want to face him. The humiliation of being taken advantage of by Ace is more than my heart can take.

“Okay.  I love you.”  Michaela gives me a hug outside the car.  “You have your new phone, and I don’t have your number.  So, if you need me, you’re going to have to call me first because I won’t know.  And you have to call if you need anything because I fucking love you.  I’m going to head over to Alpine and grab a coffee.  I’ll hang there for a bit, just in case you change your mind or want me to come back...”

“Thanks.  I’ll be okay,” I lie as I give her one last squeeze and head into the house to gather those bits of my life I’ll need to start over.