As soon as I pulled up, I remembered why it had been so long since I’d been there. I fucking hated cemeteries. I hated everything about them. I looked out at all the graves, some with old, dilapidated headstones, some gleaming with new granite, and I knew the same thing lay beneath each of them—our loved ones. The people that once walked close by our side, supporting us and guiding us through time, only to leave us behind. Losing someone you love isn’t the hard part. It’s learning to keep living without them. It’s accepting that they will never walk back through the door. It’s knowing you’ll never hear the sweet sound of their voice again, never feel the comfort of their embrace, and never have the security of knowing they would always catch you when you fall. It’s realizing that the emptiness you feel in the pit of your stomach isn’t going anywhere. It’s forever a part of you. That’s the hard part.
It was my father’s birthday, but there was no party, no grand celebration of his fifty years of life. It was just me placing a floral spray on top of his headstone. I looked down at his name engraved in the granite, and it seemed so ordinary, nothing like my old man. He was big and boisterous, full of life, and he never met a stranger. There was no way for a simple tombstone to show what kind of man he was to me. I missed his laugh, his hugs, and even the awful scent of his cheap cigars. I wished I could see him and talk to him just one more time. I wanted to tell him what he’d meant to me, but that chance would never come. When my chest became too tight to bear, I turned and started back to my car. I glanced over my shoulder, knowing Lainey was just a few feet away, but that day, I just kept walking. There’d been a time when I’d gone to see her every day. I’d talked to her and told her about whatever was on my mind, but over time, those visits happened less and less. I’d tried, but the guilt got to be too much. I was out living life, while she and my daughter were stuck in that damn hole. It should’ve been me lying in that grave, not her.
I got in my car and started the engine. My heart was heavy as I drove over to my mother’s. I knew she was looking forward to having Colton home, but I didn’t share her enthusiasm. Over the years, we’d grown distant, mainly because of my resentment towards him. Where I was determined to keep Dad’s business going, he spent his time looking down on me for even trying. He’d always thought he was too good for it, even though it was the family’s money that sent him to his fancy fucking college and paid for the penthouse apartment he’d been living in for the past ten years.
When I pulled up to Mom’s apartment, Colton’s Mercedes was right up front. It wasn’t the best way to start things off, but I swallowed my annoyance and headed inside. As usual, Mom was bustling around the kitchen getting things ready. She looked up at me and smiled.
“There you are!” She shuffled over and gave me a big hug. While my mother had survived the attack, she hadn’t come out of it completely unscathed. The bullet had nicked her spine and caused slight paralysis in her left leg. It was one of the reasons she’d decided to sell the house. The thought of adding ramps and widening the doors just hadn’t appealed to her. As soon as she was able, we’d put the house on the market and started looking for a new place for her to live. She’d decided on one of the upscale assisted living communities on the edge of town. It was quiet, and the apartment she’d liked was on the ground floor. It was just right for her, and she was happy. That was all that mattered to me.
She was still hugging me when she asked, “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Got Dad taken care of.”
“That’s good. Thank you, sweetheart.” She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “I know it would mean a lot to him.”
Feeling the need to change the subject, I stepped back and smiled. “It smells great in here.”
“I hope you’re hungry. I made fried chicken.”
“With mashed potatoes?”
“Of course. I know how you love them. It’s almost ready. Why don’t you go say hello to your brother? He and Angela are in the living room.”
“Angela?” It seemed like every time Colton came over, he brought a different chick with him. “Is she a new girl?”
She shook her head and said, “No, Nate. She’s the same young lady he brought home a few months ago. He seems to really like her.”
I leaned forward and peered through the doorway, trying to get a look at her. “Yeah, I remember her.” She was cute with her red hair and emerald green eyes, but she wasn’t the kind of girl he usually dated. She actually seemed to have a little character about her. “She’s a teacher or something, right?”
“No, that was Tina. Angela is a nurse practitioner.”
“Stepping up his game, huh?” I teased as I reached for a chicken leg and took a bite. “Damn. These are even better than last time.”
“You’re going to ruin your lunch.” She batted me away as she said, “Now, go say hi to your brother.”
“Yes, boss.” With the chicken leg still in my hand, I started for the living room. Colton was sprawled out on the sofa watching the news, while Angela was staring down at her phone.
Colton glanced up at me and gave me one of his phony smiles. “Hey there, little bro. Good to see ya.”
“You, too,” I said as I sat down in the recliner.
“Mom said you went by the cemetery this morning.”
“I did.”
“It had to be tough to go today of all days.”
“Yeah. Wasn’t easy,” I grumbled. “You ever think about going out there?”
“Nah, man. You know how I feel about all that. I hate to think of him like that.”
“And I don’t?” I muttered under my breath. I was starting to get frustrated, so I turned to Angela. “Good to see you again, Angela.”
Her green eyes seemed to sparkle as she looked up to me and smiled. “It’s really good to see you again, Nathan. I’m so sorry about your loss. Did the police ever catch the men who did it?”
“No.” The cops weren’t any help in finding the DeMarco brothers, but I’d never expected them to be. Knowing there would be blowback for killing my father, they had skipped town. Leaving was the only smart thing they’d done. Murray and I had continued to hunt for them. We’d started with Drake Martin, since he had been helping them expand their business. When he hadn’t given us the information we needed, we ended him, sending a message to all the assholes tied to the DeMarco brothers. We went through every single connection they had and dealt with them accordingly, but none of them had panned out. Over the years, there had been several DeMarco sightings, but they’d always managed to slip through the cracks. Eventually the trail had gone cold, but I had never given up searching. In time, I knew they’d slip up, and when they did, I’d be there waiting.
“I hate to hear that. I’m sure he meant a lot to you.”
“He did.”
Colton sat up on the sofa as he reached for the remote and lowered the volume on the TV. “Did you see the game last week?”
There was a time when my brother and I were fairly close. We could actually talk without thinking about what we were saying, but since my father’s death, every word was forced, and it was difficult for us to have a simple conversation. “I missed it.”
“It was a hell of game. Kershaw was on fire.”
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d watched the Dodgers play. I didn’t have the time… or the interest. Even though I couldn’t have cared less, I told him, “Hate I missed it.”
“We should try to meet up for a game sometime.”
Knowing that would never happen, I nodded. “Yeah, we could do that.”
“I’ll look into getting us some tickets.” He looked over to Angela and gave her a wink. “Maybe we could go before the wedding.”
“Wedding?”
“Angela and I are going to get married next month.”
“Well, how about that? Colton James is getting married. Never thought I’d see the day.”
“What about you? You have anyone special these days?”
Tristen’s face came flashing into my thoughts. She gave me peace just by thinking about her smile, the scent of her hair, and the softness of her touch, and I almost considered telling him about her. Then, I realized he’d have questions, and my mother would, too. I wasn’t ready to answer them. I wasn’t sure I would ever be ready, so I decided against it. “No one worth mentioning.”
“You should do something about that. You aren’t getting any younger,” he chuckled.
Before I had a chance to respond to his douchebag comment, Mom called out from the kitchen. “It’s ready when you are.”
Wasting no time, I stood up and headed into the kitchen. She’d made one hell of a spread: fried chicken, mashed potatoes, homemade biscuits, greens, and a pie waiting on the stove. Colton came up behind me and leaned over the table. “Damn, Mom. You outdid yourself.”
“Well, we’re celebrating. I’m so excited for you both.” She gave him a hug and then reached for Angela, giving her a hug as well. “I wish your father was here to see this.”
“Me, too. I think he’d like her.”
“Oh, I know he would.”
He reached for Angela’s hand, leading her over to the table. Once she was seated, he sat down beside her. “I haven’t told you about the house we’re thinking of buying. I think you’ll like it. It has four big bedrooms, and it’s right on the lake. We’ll even have our own dock. I can’t wait for you to see it.”
“I’m sure it’s beautiful, Colton.”
“Hmmm… A house by the lake… Sounds expensive.” Colton didn’t miss that my tone was filled with sarcasm. He gave me a scathing look as he reached for the bowl of potatoes.
“We’ve been putting money back for months.”
“So, you won’t be needing any helping buying it then?” I pushed. I knew I was being an asshole, but I didn’t fucking care. There was no way he could cover it all, not with his job. In time, his degree in accounting would pay off, but he hadn’t been working long enough yet to make a name for himself.
“Not exactly.”
Mom gave me a warning look as she handed me the plate of chicken. “You know we’ll be glad to help any way we can. You just let us know what you need us to do, sweetheart.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I could almost see the dollar signs flashing through his mind as he filled his plate with food. “We’d appreciate that.”
Angela placed her hand on Colton’s as she looked over at me. “It really is something…. It needs a little work, but we’re hoping to have everything done before the baby comes.”
The room quickly fell silent as Colton and Mom waited for my reaction. If I’d found out the news a few weeks ago, I might’ve felt differently. I wasn’t exactly thrilled, but I didn’t wish him ill. Everyone deserved their chance at a family. I’d had mine, but I blew it. Hopefully, he wouldn’t make the same mistake. “You’ve got a kid on the way?”
“We do. It’s still early yet.” He placed his hand on her belly. “She isn’t due for another six months or so.”
“Well, congratulations to you both.”
“Thanks, Nathan. I appreciate that.” He looked over to Mom. “Maybe you could come stay with us for a little while when the baby comes.”
Mom smiled as she answered, “I would love that.”
Once the door was open, Colton couldn’t stop talking about their plans for the wedding, the baby, and the house. He really was settling down, and he seemed happy about it. Just as we were finishing up the last of the pie, he turned his attention back to me. “What about you? Are you doing okay?”
“Couldn’t be better.” I slid my chair back from the table and stood. Before he had a chance to push for more, I took my dishes over to the sink. “Mom, lunch was great, but I’ve gotta get back to work.”
“Are you sure you can’t stay a little longer?” she pleaded.
“I wish I could, but Murray’s waiting on me back at the office.” I gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, then turned to Colton and Angela. “Congratulations to you both. I’m really happy for you.”
“Thanks, Nathan,” Angela smiled.
Colton stood up and walked over to me, wrapping his arms tightly around me as he gave me a hug. “Keep in touch, okay? And think about coming to one of those games with me.”
“We’ll see.”
I said my final goodbyes, then I headed out to my truck. I closed the door and sat there for a moment, enjoying the complete and utter silence. I needed a moment to calm the storm that was raging inside my head. I tried to shake it, but the longer I sat there, the louder the thoughts became. I was already on edge, trying to fight the feelings brewing inside of me, when my cell started to ring. Knowing how Mom felt about cell phones, I’d left it in the car, so I had no idea that Tony had been trying to reach me.
“What’s up?”
“It’s Tristen.”
“What about her?”
He cleared his throat before he answered. “I’m sure everything’s fine and all, but….”
“Spit it out, Tony.”
“She left.”
“Okay. And?”
“She was alone.”
“Come again?” I growled. The day just kept getting better and better.
“I didn’t even know she was leaving, Nitro. One of the girls came up to me after she’d already gone. She said Tristen had something to take care of.”
“And she didn’t call Max.”
“No. She went out the back.”
“Fuck!” My grip tightened on the phone as I asked, “Did something happen?”
“Hell, I don’t know. You know how these women can be. There’s no telling what rattled her.”
“Any idea where she was headed?”
“One of the girls said they saw her heading over towards the coffee shop, but she’s not there now. You want me to call Max?”
“No. I’ll take care of it.”