Murray and Mom had tried a thousand times to get me to talk about it, but I’d never opened up to anyone about what had happened that night. I didn’t see the point. I knew there was no way they could even begin to comprehend what it felt like to lose the girl that held my heart in her hand, to have my little daughter ripped away from me before I’d even had a chance to hold her in my arms, and to have my father taken from me when I needed him the most. In one fell swoop, they were all taken from me. No one could know the guilt that weighed on me, so I carried the pain on my own. I kept it locked away, hoping that one day I might be able to forget, but deep down, I knew it would never happen. It had become part of me, rooted deep down in my bones. It had changed me, making me hard and bitter. I’d hurt the people that cared about me the most. I’d shut them out and refused to let them get close. I was broken, but I was still standing. The demons of my past hadn’t won yet. Each moment I spent with Tristen, the stronger I became. She made me feel like I could move forward, beyond the heartache and guilt. I could have a second chance, an opportunity for redemption, and I wanted it. I wanted it with her.
She hadn’t spoken to me since we’d left my mother’s. As soon as we got home, she changed and got into bed, turning away from my side as she curled into her pillow. When I lay down next to her, she didn’t budge. She was upset with me, and I couldn’t say that I blamed her. I wasn’t sure how long we lay there in silence, but I could tell from the heavy rhythm of her breathing that she wasn’t asleep. I rolled towards her, spooning into her back with my mouth close to her ear. “I was twenty-two when it happened.”
I slipped my arm around her waist as I continued, “I was just a stupid kid. I thought I had it all figured out, that nothing could stand in my way, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.”
Her back stiffened as I said, “Lainey meant everything to me. We were high school sweethearts of all things, but what we had wasn’t your typical teenage romance. It was real, and it was good. She was pregnant, about eight months along. We were having a little girl… Lila Grace.” My voice strained as I said her name. It felt like a lifetime since I’d said it aloud. I wanted Tristen to know how much my unborn child meant to me, but there was no way I could put it into words. “I remember the day we went for the ultrasound. I can still see the profile of her little face with her thumb in her mouth. It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen. We’d planned our future together: marriage, a house in the mountains, and two or three kids… but we never got the chance.”
Trying to ground myself, I toyed with the ends of her hair, reminding myself that she was right there, and I took a deep, cleansing breath. I didn’t want to say the words. I’d kept it bottled up for so long, and saying it out loud made it all seem too real. “There was nothing really special about that night. We’d gone to eat at my parents’. It was just like many times before. Mom had fixed one of her big dinners, but she needed something from the store, so I offered to go for her. I was only gone for a few minutes….”
Sensing that I was struggling, she rolled over to face me, placing her hand on my chest. “Just breathe.”
I paused for a moment, collecting my thoughts before I continued. “The second I walked through the door I knew something was wrong. I felt it. When I walked into the living room, I saw them there. It didn’t seem real, like it was just some awful fucking dream.”
“What happened?”
“While I was gone, someone broke into the house. Lainey… my little Lila Grace… my father, someone had shot them all. They’d left them to die like they were nothing more than garbage. Mom was the only one that survived, but it took her months to recover.”
“Oh my god, Nathan,” she cried, tears streaming down her face. “Oh my god. That’s so awful. It’s too horrible to imagine.”
“They meant everything to me.”
She ran the tips of her fingers across my chest and down my arm as she whispered, “I’m so, so sorry, Nathan.”
“I lost everything that day, and it’s all my fault. I should’ve been there. I should’ve done something. I was supposed to protect them, but I wasn’t there when they needed me.”
“But you can’t blame yourself. There’s no way you could’ve known what was going to happen.”
“I’d overheard my father talking to the men. I knew in my gut something wasn’t right, but….”
“It’s not your fault, Nathan. I think deep down you know that.” She rested her hand on my shoulder as she told me, “When my parents died, I was so angry. I couldn’t understand why I had to be the one who lost my family. I kept trying to think of what I’d done to deserve something so horrible to happen to me. Over time, the anger started to fade, and the guilt crept in. I didn’t think it was fair for me to still be alive when they were dead.”
“It’s not fair. I shouldn’t be here living when they’re stuck in that fucking grave. It should’ve been me.”
“No, Nathan. You’re wrong. It took a long time, but I finally realized....” She raised up, her hand on my chest and her face just inches from mine as she said, “No amount of guilt is going to change the past, Nathan.”
With that, she lowered herself into the crook of my arm and rested her head on my chest. I let her words sink in, letting them roll around in my mind as the warmth of her skin next to mine calmed the storm of emotions raging inside me. We lay there quietly for several minutes before I kissed her on her forehead and said, “I should’ve told you sooner.”
“Yes, but I understand why you didn’t. I wish there was something I could do.”
“Don’t you know? You already have.”
After several moments of silence, she looked up at me and said, “Will you tell me something about her?”
Her question caught me off guard. I hadn’t really talked about Lainey in years. It was just too hard, but thinking about her then, I smiled. “She was the funniest person I’d ever met. She could make you laugh without even trying.” Tristen rested the palm of her hand on my chest as her body relaxed next to mine. “There was something about her smile that could make you forget everything around you… but she was also strong and determined as hell. When she set her mind to something, there was nothing that could stop her, especially when it came to me. She never let me get away with any of my bullshit.”
“I bet that wasn’t easy.”
“You have no idea.” I laughed. “I thought I knew it all, but she managed to keep me grounded the best she could. She was beautiful… even more so when she was pregnant. I’ve never seen anyone so excited about having a kid. She had the nursery decked out and all these baby clothes.... She had everything you could imagine.” My chest tightened, and my voice became strained as I said, “She would’ve been an amazing mother.”
Several minutes passed, and neither of us spoke. Realizing that I’d probably said too much, I looked down at her and said, “I’m sorry for laying all that on you.”
“Don’t be. I’m glad you loved her that deeply, Nathan. It means you’re capable of a love like that… so maybe there’s hope for me yet.”
There was no more talking, no making love—just us lying next to one another as we let the silence of the night envelope us. The tightness in my chest started to fade, and with her tucked at my side, I finally drifted off to sleep. The next morning, I woke up with Tristen draped over me. She had one leg over mine, and her head plastered against my chest. She looked absolutely stunning, and I hated to disturb her, but my bladder wasn’t going to let me lie there another minute. I tried to ease out of the bed without waking her. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. As soon as I tried to move her onto the pillow, her eyes popped open. She looked up at me and smiled. “Hey.”
“Morning, Angel.” I kissed her gently on the lips before getting out of bed.
She raised up on her elbow and watched as I walked into the bathroom. “Did you sleep okay?”
“I did. You?”
“Like a rock.” She’d gotten out of bed and was looking at her phone when I walked back into the room. “You have any plans for this afternoon?”
“I’ve got a little work to take care of, but it shouldn’t take long. Do you have something in mind?”
“I’m going over to check on Josie for a little while. You want to hang out after? Maybe grab some dinner or something? I mean… if you have time.”
I walked over and kissed her on the temple. “I’ll make time.”
“Great.”
“If you want, I’ll drop you off on my way to the office.”
“That would be perfect. I’ve got to take a quick shower.” She started for the door but stopped in her tracks. She turned to face me with sincerity in her eyes. “I’m glad we talked last night.”
“Me, too.”
Her lips curled into a smile as she turned to leave. “Okay, I’ll be back in a few.” Half an hour later, she came into the kitchen looking beautiful with her jeans and pullover V-neck shirt. Her hair was down around her shoulders, wavy and dark, and she’d put on just a touch of makeup and silver earrings. “Ready when you are.”
We got in the car and headed over to Big’s. It had been a while since the last time I’d been out to his place, but the minute I pulled up in the driveway, I could tell that Josie was making her mark. From the bright colored flowers lining the walkway to the pansies in the window boxes, she had turned his house into a home. I stopped the car and turned to Tristen. “Call Max and let him know when you’re ready to come home.”
“I can get Josie to run me back.” I gave her a stern look, and she shook her head. “Okay. Okay. I’ll call him.”
“Have fun, and tell Josie I said hello.”
She got out and smiled. “You know I will.”
I was about to pull out of the driveway, when Big came out onto the front porch. He was a big guy, not at all what you’d think a computer hacker might look like, but he was the best around. We’d formed an unlikely friendship during our stint in prison. I’d gotten word that Lenny DeMarco had been locked up, and I’d thought it was my chance to finally get my hands on him. To most people it probably seemed like an asinine thing to do, but back then, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by going to prison. I’d figured that while I was there I could expand my father’s business. I could make some new connections and build trust among the inmates. It was the best way I knew to get my name out there and prove that I could follow in my father’s footsteps. When I’d crossed paths with Big, I knew from the start that he’d be an asset, and I couldn’t have been more right. Over the years, he’d saved my ass on more than one occasion, and I owed him my life for always having my back. Until it was gone, I hadn’t realized how valuable my ties with him had really been.
I watched as he slowly made his way to my SUV. It’d been several weeks since I’d come face to face with him at the clubhouse, and I wasn’t sure how things would play out as I opened my door and stepped out. “How’s it going?”
“Good. You know how it is. Never a dull moment.”
I motioned my head towards the flowers on the front steps. “Looks like Josie is settling in.”
“She is.” He turned back towards the house as he said, “Tristen looks better. Much better.”
“That was the plan all along.”
“Guess things worked out after all. See ya around, Nitro,” he clipped as he started towards his bike.
“Hey, Big.”
“Yeah?” He stopped and glared at me.
“I’m not a man who likes to admit when he’s wrong.”
Big scoffed, “No news flash there, brother.”
“I should’ve handled things differently. I owed you more than that.”
“Yeah, well the club…” he started.
“I’m not talking about the club, brother. Just you.” Big was a good man. He may not have agreed with the way I handled things with the club, but I knew in time he’d see that I’d done it for Tristen.
“Appreciate that.” He looked over his shoulder towards the house. “You know… Josie is going to wanna see Tristen. A lot. You know how sisters can be.”
“I do.”
“Guess I’ll be seeing you around.”
I smiled. “I guess you will.”
He didn’t have to say the words. I knew what he was saying. I gave him a quick nod as I slipped back inside my SUV and pulled out of the driveway. When I got to the office, Murray and Ryder were there waiting for me. Ryder was leaned back in the chair smoking a cigarette, while Murray was talking on the phone. He was just hanging up when I sat down at my desk. “What’s the latest?”
Ryder sat up in his seat as he explained, “The load was dropped. Thirty-two thousand tons of timber and the shipment were lost at sea, but no issues with the Coast Guard.”
“Good to hear.”
Murray looked over to me and said, “We’re going to have to move some things around to get these orders out on time.”
“I talked to Tate. He’s bringing his delivery in early.”
“I’ll put a call into Reedy and see if he can do the same.” I turned to Ryder and told him, “Gonna need you tomorrow. I’ve got a meet in California, and I’m going to need you to tag along.”
“You got it, boss,” Ryder answered as he stood up to leave.
Just as he walked out, my phone chimed with a text message.
Tristen:
Hey
Me:
Everything okay?
Tristen:
Yeah. Just wanted to say hi.
Me:
Missing me already?
Tristen:
Maybe a little.
Me:
A little?
Tristen:
Okay. More than a little.
Me:
Good to hear. See you soon, Angel.
“What the hell was that all about?” Murray mocked.
“What?”
“You’re fucking smiling.”
“And?”
“It’s good to see it. Just wondering why.”
“I guess you could say that things are looking up.”
“Well, it’s about fucking time.”
Things were looking up. For the first time in years, I felt lighter, like the world wasn’t weighing down on my shoulders. Without even realizing she was doing it, Tristen had taken some of the load off, and I found myself wanting to do something special for her. I remembered Max telling me that Tristen had asked him to take her to the mall. I’d cut the trip short when I told him to bring her over to Mom’s. I sent Max a message, telling him to get in touch with a lady friend of his. Tristen deserved the very best, and I was going to make damn well sure she got it.