Chapter Twenty
Olivia
Tuesday
“Are you sure you feel okay, sweetie?” I asked Meghan for what felt like the hundredth time. I pressed my hand against her forehead but there didn’t seem to be any sign of fever there. “You don’t feel sick at all?”
It was reckless of me to have Meg around Zack when he was so sick. I didn’t think about it at the time, it was only now that I feared the possible consequences of such a stupid action. This was just the sort of thing that would have my father shaking his head in a disappointed way at me – and he’d be right. This was the sort of things that mothers were supposed to just know not to do. Sometimes I felt like I was just guessing at this whole parenting thing, and it was safe to say that I didn’t always get it right.
“I told you, I’m fine, Mommy.” Meghan rolled her eyes at me. “Me and Drea are going to the park today, I’ll be fine.”
“You’re not just saying that you’re well because you want to go to the park, are you? Because you could always go another day. I don’t want you to think…”
“Mom, I’m fine,” she whined. “Get off me.”
In the end, I forced myself to pull back, but that was only because I heard Drea knocking on the door. If I hadn’t just had a day off work, I would take this one to be sure, but I didn’t want to push too far where Ms. Simms was concerned. She had done more than enough for me.
“Hi, Drea,” I said wearily as I opened the door. “I hope you’re okay?”
“Are you?” She gave me a concerned look. “You don’t look so good?”
At first that sent me into a tailspin. Had I been so concerned about Meghan that I hadn’t noticed myself getting sick? But no, as I pressed my hand against my head there wasn’t any sign of a temperature there at all. “I’m fine, just worried about Meghan. She’s been around someone ill...”
“Zack!” she piped up rapidly, making me cringe inside. “He had the flu.”
“Yes, and I’m just worried that she might have caught it it.” I said that last part so fast I almost tripped over my words. All to avoid a few awkward questions about Zack. It was silly, really. I just couldn’t help needing to keep him all to myself for the time being. “Could you just keep an extra eye on her today and give me a call if she starts to look ill?”
“Of course I will.” Drea didn’t look worried by my remarks at all. “I always keep a strict eye on her, but if there are any signs at all, I’ll let you know right away.”
“Thank you.” I bit down on my bottom lip as if I was trying to keep something inside. There wasn’t really anything that I needed to say, I just didn’t like the idea of leaving Meg like that. “Well, I suppose I better go. I don’t want to be late for my first appointment.”
“Have a good day!” Drea smiled.
“Bye, Mommy. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I snuck my arms around Meghan and kissed her forehead in what seemed like a loving gesture, but was also for me to check her temperature once more. Still no sign.
As I forced myself out the front door, I glanced towards Zack’s door with more ice cold guilt racing through my system.
He was doing much better now, and he still had Lark for company, but I felt bad leaving him, too. I had tried to warn him that it might take his body slightly longer to recover than anyone else because it was already dealing with so much pain from the injury in his leg, but he didn’t really acknowledge that. I guess he was still stuck on not wanting to appear weak, even now after all that we’d been through together.
Anyway, much as I wanted to, I couldn’t loiter around the apartment all day long. I had to get to work. There were people depending on me and I wanted to help them, too. Tiana was due to see me today, and I really wanted to see how she was getting on. It was nice to start becoming important to these people and I didn’t want to let them down.
***
What is wrong with me? I tapped my fingers on my desk as frustration coursed through my veins. I was supposed to be reading through the file of a brand new patient that was about to come my way, but I kept drifting off. I continued to daydream about Zack all the time, driving my crazy. All I wanted was to work, but his unexpected words circled my brain.
“We might as well already be dating. You keep turning up in my bedroom, so why not?”
Yes, he was clearly out of it when he – very unromantically – asked me out on a date, but the words kept replaying in my mind anyway. Shockingly, it seemed like he really wanted to take things to the next level. Sneaking into a man’s apartment for sex on occasion didn’t usually turn into a relationship…as far as I knew anyway. I wasn’t sure why this time should be any different.
Okay, so Zack wasn’t really like other men. He had layers and layers that needed to be peeled away in time, but that didn’t make him so much better.
This was the exact reason I was supposed to be staying away from men: to avoid confusion and distraction like this.
When I first fell pregnant with Meghan, all I cared about was Ben. He was the only man that I’d ever loved, and I couldn’t see anyone but him. When it became obvious that he wasn’t going to help, I couldn’t shake off the obsession with him. Rationally, I knew that he wasn’t worth my time or effort, but that didn’t do anything to switch my emotions off. Finally, I started to emerge from the heartache and I actually began to feel better about myself…just for him to have another child with someone else. Of course by that point, the hurt was more for Meghan than myself, but still he caused me pain.
When I moved to New York for my fresh start, I wanted to do it by myself. I didn’t want to get entangled with anyone… Yet here I was, doing just that. Getting myself all tied up in knots about a man whose feelings I didn’t understand one bit.
It’s all because of Meghan, I tried my best to convince myself. I just don’t want her to get hurt, that’s all.
I was going to have to distance myself from Zack, to be just a friend to him. I knew I kept saying it to him, but I really would have to make the last time we were together the last time ever. Even if I would miss his tongue, his lips, his chest…all of him, actually. I just had to – it was the right thing to do.
“Are you okay, Olivia?” Ms. Simms’ voice suddenly shook me from my reverie. “You look a little lost.”
“Erm, yes, just reading.” I bristled as I felt a heat creeping up my neck. “Learning more about Pippa Smart, who will be coming to me next week.”
I wasn’t sure if she brought it, but she didn’t question me any further. “Okay. Well, we’re having a staff party on Friday night. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it sooner it completely slipped my mind. It’s something that we do every year, just as a bit of team building. Working alone with patients most of the time means that sometimes it’s hard to get to know other members of staff.”
She was right about that one – I hadn’t really met any of the other therapists. “It would be great if you could come? The company higher ups will be there, and there may even be some patients invited.” She knotted her eyebrows together, looking very confused. “I’m not totally sure, I haven’t checked the guest list. Anyway, do you think you’ll be there?”
“Of course.” I felt touched by the invite. Hopefully Drea would be alright for an extra shift with Meghan… “That sounds great, thank you so much for inviting me.”
“You’re doing well here,” Ms. Simms reassured me kindly. “It’s good to have you around. I hope you’re here for a long time to come.”
She was a good person to have on my side, I decided as she walked away, and if she wanted me at her party I would find a way to be there. After all, I wanted to be at the company for a long time to come, too. There was nothing better to a single mom than having a reliable income.
***
I let out a deep sigh as I flicked my eyes over all the clothing in my wardrobe. Nothing looked right! What the hell was I going to wear to some office party when I didn’t have anything nice? Should I look fancy, should I go casually? I hated that I felt out of my depth with this and it was only made worse by the fact that I didn’t really have anyone to ask for advice. This was why I needed work friends; this was why I needed this damn party to be a success.
What the…
All of a sudden my eyes fell on something at the back of the wardrobe, something that I must have stuffed there in a hurry when I was trying my hardest to get everything unpacked for the move. It was shiny enough to catch my eye. As I pulled it closer, a bright smile played on my lips.
Of course! How could I have forgotten?
In high school, before I gained the freedom of college, before I even laid eyes on Ben, before my happy little accident started to grow in my stomach, I had a whole other life. One that now felt very distant, but now it had all come screaming back. I fell back into the teenage version of myself for just a moment while I recalled what my life once looked like.
I used to be such a good volleyball player that I actually won awards for it, medals and even a trophy which had to be about somewhere. My skills made me really popular with the jocks, and I was even voted the most likely to succeed in sports at school. People actually assumed that I was so good at the game that I would actually make a career out of it.
How crazy, considering how my life had turned out now. It was the total opposite. I was a single mother with a career that helped sports injuries. A very unglamorous life indeed.
I pulled out the selection of medals that I had and I took them into the kitchen to lay them out on the table. Not only was I enjoying the moment of reminiscing about the person I could be without my broken heart, I also felt excited to show Meghan that her mother once had some worth. She would probably use the medals for dress up or something, but I’d like to tell her all the same.
See? I did well by myself, I don’t need a man! I certainly didn’t need to be obsessing over some guy from across the hall that I didn’t really know. I just needed to focus on me.